I used to do
a little bit
of drugs,
and even though
they didn't wreck me
too bad,
I gave them up,
but I like
to get high,
so I have invented
the imaginary drug experience,
and what you do
is to say the name
of the drug, inside,
as you breathe out,
and then,
holding your nostrils open,
you forcefully inhale, fast,
in other words,
snort,
the air,
and my notion is
that the body/mind
will understand
that you want this drug
and it will produce
an endorphine,
(brain chemical),
which is like a mild form
of that drug,
and then,
you get a little bit high,
but it's awfully subtle,
so you have to be aware,
and there
you have it,
safe dope,
and you can't
get busted.

I said that I would wait.
I put it down in words.
Even though the distance was slowly and painfully beginning to settle in,
I said I would wait.

I promised that regardless of what happened,
I’d wait,
Because somewhere, deep inside me, I knew we were worthy of it.

I returned,
Heavy bag in hand, tired eyes, heart full of hope,
But you weren’t waiting.

You stopped waiting.
You didn’t even have the courage to tell me about her.
After all our history, the years, the growing, the learning, the tears,
I thought you’d maybe wait.

But you didn’t.
You were gone before I could even touch you, smell you,
Hold you.

You didn’t wait.
And now, I sit here.  
I sit and wait,
I wait…
And wait…
But I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.

Because you were gone before I could even whisper “wait”.

I gave you my last piece of gum after you left
After we spent an hour alone in my room.
I never threw away the empty pack and now it is sitting on my desk.
On my desk is a few notes from you. Things you love about me. There are 10 I think.
There is a bible that seems to open to the same page
God is love.
I do not know love
So do I not know God?
There is also a broken pencil sharpener.
It was brand new, given in an art kit.
I smashed it with a hammer
Grabbed the piece I wanted
And created two red railroad tracks on my right hip
I hope those tracks lead me to a better place
While you are at the concert
Plans made with my friend
So he can tell you to leave me alone.

I miss you
I love you
You broke my heart over again
and I can't recover this time
It hurt so much I can't
replace that feeling of trust
I gave you my all
and you gave it away
you gave it to him
in a bed of lies
lies told to me
and her
you didn't cheat
you just slept with him
while I
was in your arms
not in your heart
never in your heart
he slept with you
while he held her heart in his hands
it was an accident right?
just a mistake?
how could it be
just happenstance
only a misjudged position that led to pleasure
you hurt me
so badly
but
i miss you
i love you