Look in the mirror

Who is this girl?

She has my muddy hazel eyes

Only hers hide many lies

Falling around her shoulder

Is my rust colored waves

Hers a little less tame

Freckles sprinkled just like mine

Skin so pale as if the sun never shines

She has to practice my smile

Pretending like she’s fine

Locked away in self-denial

She’s stolen my clothes

Taken my name

I was lost

Beneath all this pain

It’s hard when you’re always around

Every time you say my name

It’s the most beautiful sound

I try to forget the things we could have had

I attempt to move on, not be sad

After all

I have a new guy

I’m as happy as can be

Then you do the most unexpected thing

You gently hold my hands

Bend down and kiss my lips

I can hardly register what just happened

Until I push you away with tears in my eyes

I shake my head and look to the sky

Hoping you can’t see the tears

I choke out “I can’t”

While my heart screams in protest

I just wish relationships could be less complicated

Nothing would have stopped the old me

From kissing you back

However,

The new me has something I’ve never had before

Happiness and love

I can’t give that up

Now I just have to face you

Knowing what you did

Wishing I could turn back the clock

To the time when I did want you

The time when we could have been

I wish this had happened back then, not now

But even as these thoughts run in my head

I know I have an amazing guy

Who’s kiss is more loving even through the computer screen

Who’s hug is more giving

His voice more soothing

Then yours could EVER be.

Do I give up when

When my room is my only safe spot?

When that last friend turns and walks away?

When my eyes can’t see past the wall of tears?

When I just can’t feel anymore?

When I’m only laughing because I’m finally dying?

When no light shines into my life?

Somebody…Please tell me when I’m supposed to give up

You know that saying that everything happens for a reason?

What’s the reason….

I was born a beautiful daughter

Not knowing each day alive would be another struggle

Left at a babysitters longer than expected

Little tiny baby no longer protected

Bounced around from town to town

Biological parents no where to be found?

Sick with illness, shadowed by fear

Why is this poor child destined to be here?

Skip ahead a few years

Baby is now a toddler

Pat and Lisa are mother and father

Growing everyday

Her faith getting a little stronger

Don’t be fooled

Her past did scar her

She’ll find this out later

From toddler to teen

Slipping deeper into trouble

Pre-K all the way up through

Smart as hell

Yet, fall behind

Defiant, rebellious, stubborn

Outsiders say oh she’s a typical teen

They don’t know she’s out of control

So lost, no where to go

Ups and downs

Can’t believe the little she’s told

She won’t reach out for a hand to hold

What’s ahead?

Nobody knows

Teen to adult

Avoiding the cult

Will she make it?

What about her past

How will she take it?

Can she bury it fast?

Might the truth

Ultimately scar her?

I don’t know what to believe

Your words or my thoughts

Who’s right

In this vast sea of distrust

Words hurt

More then our wounds

I’ve forgotten who we wwere

In the mist of what we’ve done

How can we trust each other

If we’re both just waiting

For the other to walk over

To say another lie

Life a slap in the face

No more laughter

Not a trace

Angry words

Empty hearts

Turning away

Until we sort it out

Both hoping the lies would end

So we could go back

To how it was

It’s like being trapped

Behind glass

Both seeing each other

Yet, can’t see our own faces

So mixed up in what

We wish we could be

As if there’s something we could do

So we could be exactly who and what

The other wishes and hopes

One day we might be.

Not understanding

That on the other side of the glass

We’re each thinking the same thing

That we just want to tell the other

‘You’re ******* perfect’

Maybe someday…

Here I sit with bile in my throat and music fading in my ears.
Once again trying to find the right words to make it better
This time I'm afraid there's no way to make it better only to explain
I'm slipping away, becoming who I left behind years ago
It's like a drug, watching the world turn into blurry chaos.
Just this morning I'd ****** up beyond belief before six am.
Passing out drunk on my front porch, waking up to my keys in hand.
Wondering how I got from across town to here and how long it'd been.
Climbed into my bed and faded away to longing thoughts of you.
I wake up to a pounding in my head and fuzzy memories of the night before
I remember taking my first shot of fire water and the burn it left in my throat.
One shot turning into a couple, my four loko getting lighter and grabbing her *** outside
Doing more shots of fire water and jack daniels, eating nachos so I could drink a little more
She went to bed and he took me outside, he kissed me against the car
My protest falling silent against his slightly sweet lips, bittersweet lips
Stumbling out back, trying to clear my head and his hand hovering to catch me if I fell
Asking if he liked getting hit by her, if he liked the way she treated him, what made her so special
His answer hot and hungry against my lips, I remember wishing you had the same passion
The guys laughing from inside the garage, laughing at us, his sigh in my ear
Dropping the doobie, looking for it and finding myself face first in the dirt laughing
Walking off trying to get away before I drank anymore, walking down the street
His voice, calling me back to the house, his hand grabbing mine and telling me I was safe
Telling him I wasn't that I wanted to go to the park, that Daddy would meet me at the park
Him saying Daddy would meet me at my house on friday but that I had to come back inside
The last thing I remember is hearing her sobbing, saying that I'm her best friend, that I was too drunk
Then I woke up on my porch, cold and holding my keys for dear life, he must have dropped them off.
All I can remember now is how much I love you, how much I want us to work, how much you care
You are my rock, my drug, my sense to this world. Without you I just mess it up.

I just want to be what everybody wants me to be

That beautiful, smart, funny girl

They all say is me

Do they even see what lurks behind my smile

The lies I’ve told that stretch for miles

Never ending wishes that I could reach a little higher

Be the person you all wish like hell I could be

Yet, I keep ******* it all up

Just adding more depth to my scars

One more thing that reminds me I’m a failure

You can say it’s not true

That I’m perfect the way I am to you

I know the truth behind your protective words

I see the way my actions affect you

I know who I am

I hate who I’ve become

Whoever that beautiful, smart, funny girl you see is

I promise you she’s not me

Way too good to be true

I can’t lie to myself anymore

Pretend like I believe

That this girl people seem to see

Could ever be me