I’m not going to obey you

I’m not a **** dog

This is MY life

Yeah I’ve ****** it up

I’m 1000 times more afraid of myself

Then you’ll ever be!

Don’t you see?

I can’t handle any more pain.

So no I will not be careful

No I will not go out of my way to be safe

I can't take any more pain

So let me feel one last pain

Then I can feel it all slip away

NOTE: I did not write this recently. I am not in danger of hurting myself.

Jump off a bridge

End my life

Save myself

From all these fights

Take a gun

Pull it out

Never even make a shout

Pop some pills

Fall asleep

Never awake

No….

No more…

No more mistakes…

I’m tired of being the reason

For everyone else end of this pitch bl’s sorrows

Lying down at night with the stars up high

I find it hard to close my eyes and sleep

When I know there’s no light

At the end of this pitch black tunnel

It’s as if somebody has taken away my sight

Locked deep inside this darkness

While I’m waiting for hope and forgiveness

What’s happened to me?

To my life?

NOTE: After reading this you might recognize some of it from a quote. I got my idea for this poem from that quote. HOWEVER, I did not steal it I just put my own experience to it and therefore, did not steal it. Thank you.

Life comes with no guarantees

No time outs

No second chances

So we tell ourselves…

Live life to the fullest

Tell somebody what they mean to you

Take too many pictures

Laugh too much

Forgive freely

Love like you’ve never been hurt

Dance in the pouring rain

Hold somebody’s hand

Comfort a friend

Fall asleep watching the sun come up

Stay up late

Be a flirt

Don’t be afraid to take chances

Smile until your face hurts

But it’s not that simple…

I can’t tell that one person what they mean to me

I can’t forgive myself, so how am I supposed to forgive anybody else?

I have been hurt so I can’t love like I haven’t

I’m afraid to take chances

So how does somebody like me live in this live where there are no guarantees, no time-outs and no second chances?

How could I ever tell you that I love you

When we’re so far apart

We’d never stand a change

Almost 400 miles apart

Not seeing you already breaks my heart

So for me to tell you what you mean to me

Means I’d have to think about just how far apart we are

How everyday past is a day I don’t see you

Saying that we’re just friends breaks me in two

Because I know that we could be more

Yet, I know somehow it wouldn’t work

I’m too afraid to lose you

Want to take a step or two

Living a day in my shoes?

I dare you to try to smile, not cry

Walking through my life is like balancing unstably on the tip of a knife

Swirling emotions, so out of control

It’s like your life is a highway toll booth

Each person drives by leaving some drama

Doesn’t stop…

No hello or goodbye

Just another trauma

By the time you’re back in your own shoes

You’ll feel hopeless and confused.

So take a step or two

Live just one day in my shoes

Listen

Learn

Feel

No way you can heal.

Just wonder how much pain I go through

I live 365 days a year, each year in these shoes.

I hear her enter the room
I watch his eyes flicker towards her
He tries not to smile but I see it tugging at his lips
"I'm sorry babygirl, she wanted to hang out"
He types quickly as if he's afraid she'll see
I hear her say "Hi hunny I'm home"
I know it's a joke
Her voice has that silky flirtyness to it though
I have to stay calm
I can trust him.....
"Now don't you two go have *** in the woods"
I try to laugh at my own joke
Hoping she didn't hear it crack
He says "I have to go now"
I sigh and say okay
I tell him I love him and that he means the world to me
It's my last ditch effort to stay on his mind

Days later I get a message
"He's cheating on you"
I know it's from her
I lay down and try not to cry
I know they had ***
I know he cheated
I just don't know
If he's going to leave me for him
How this is going to play out
He denies it.
Over and over.
"Babygirl I love you more then anything nothing happened I promise"
I watch as pain quickly flashes in his eyes
It's my signal that he's lying
That all my thoughts were true
I finally realize and tell myself
"He's never going to truly love you"