There's something that is calling to me
Something just beyond my reach
Bigger, better, begging me to be my best
Maybe it's my writing, the blank pages that stare back at me
Or my drawing, the faded pastels stains on my old ripped up jeans
Even my stove seems to scream use me use me
Bigger, better, begging me and begging me
I feel the pull of this urgent need
I search constantly for the answer
In others words, drawings, creations and inspirations
But I know I'm looking in all the wrong places
I need to look inside myself and find who I truly am
Yet that's just the problem who the hell am I?
Am I a writer?
An artist?
A chef?
A photographer?
Am I meant to be a mother?
A wife?
Am I meant to spend my life at the will of somebody else?
Or am I supposed to struggle to find peace on my own?
I fight this need, this urge, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach
Yet like a clock ticking in the dead of night
I hear it like a whisper
Bigger....better....Begging.

*written Sept. 14th, 2013

You're kneeling on the ground
Picking up the pieces of your
Once again shattered heart
I'm finding it harder to sympathize
To tell you it's all going to be okay
When I'm not sure if they will be
They say you should never push a loyal person
To the point where they don't give a **** anymore
You've pushed me pretty **** close
How can I pick up your heart when I can't even find
Half of the pieces that belong to my own?
You talk about drinking to make yourself hate her
Not drinking to numb the pain of missing me
No it's to take away the heartbreak of being without her
Is it my cuddles, hugs and kisses you want
Or just the feeling of being loved?
Do you really need me or do you need the company?
Have I ever been anything other than a rebound?
I try not to let myself question it when you say you love me
But lately it's all that runs through my mind
How long can I be a second choice
When do I stop being an option to you?
You built me up so I could finally see my own beauty
Yet now I feel like you look right past it
What's the point of feeling beautiful when the man you love
Is finding all the beautiful things in another woman?
I still love you I always have and I always will
I just need to know if this time is for real
Or if it's just for another four to six months
Then she'll be back, you'll fall for her again
Maybe then I'll save myself the heartbreak
Settle for what's easy rather than what I have to fight for.
Easy over crazy.

one* I am a writer
two I am a submissive
three Life has handed me tons of lemons and I just don't know what the hell to do with them
four I do not know everything no matter how hard I try to seem like I do
five I hate yellow cheese, I don't know why but I hate it
six I love dogs. All dogs.
seven My relationship is more or less complicated as hell
eight I will never be a size 00 again.
nine My job *****.
ten I am not ready to be an adult.

There, those are ten things I know to be true. Do they make sense? Not really. Do they tell a story? No, I guess they don't. But are they all true? Yes.

click* Signed off facebook
double click signed off skype
right click signed out of my games
You don't want to talk?
Fine we won't talk
I will just do my own thing
I will do the minimal
Eat the minimal
Work the minimal
Be happy the minimal
I will only do enough to please you
Nothing more
Nothing less
I will be referred to as
Nothing but your Slave
I will not be your babygirl
She has been lost
You can not tell your babygirl
To never speak to you again
Then expect her to speak to you
She is hiding from you
Does that make you proud?
That you made your little girl hide?
You are a Sir and a Master
That is all.

You say it doesn't matter
That nothing will ever be okay
Things are doomed to be messed up
You know maybe you are right
Just maybe life is always gonna be this way
Honestly though I just take it day by day
I take your craziness, laughter, sadness
I filter it all through my brain
I offer my love, my support and my wisdom.
In return I only ask for a few things
Your love~ To hold me through the night
Your support~ To follow my dreams
Your guidance~ To help me realize my potential
Most of all though I really need your dominance
Because that's how I know my place in this world
That's how I know my role
I am yours
Yours only
So give me another stare
Give me another punishment
Go on about more insane thoughts
I'll love, support and hold you through it all
I promise.

My life's Mirror
It’s like she’s trapped in a fun house

360* mirror where ever she turns

Each showing a blurred reflection

A fake image thought to be her

Words scrawled across the glass

Telling her who she is

Words from both her present and past

*****, ****, *****

Stick to her pale freckled skin

Like tattoos that will never fade in

She pounds against the cold glass

Trying to see past the lies and confusion

While a loud mocking voice laughs

With every hit upon the glass

Another word is added to the pack

She finally falls, slumped against the mirror

Cool to her touch, her tears streak it

She stays down now, to weak to get back up

Her life built upon lies

Like a dream from which she can not wake

There on the floor she’ll stay

Until one day somebody may come

Clean the slate, pick her back up

Erase some of the pain

Help her start over with no lies and no walls

Just a good friend who was secretly there through it all

Chipping away at the outside of the glass trying to break through

Hoping each breath her friend takes won’t be her last