Johnny Dust: Favorites

May 2022 Johnny Dust

waiting.

May 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

waiting.

stagnant-
some cinematic period of waiting
like i haven't been weighing
the value of my continued breathing
seething in uncertainty
and stationary helplessness

May 2022 Johnny Dust

A Patch of Grass 1915

May 2022 Johnny Dust

William J Donovan

A Patch of Grass 1915

Between the trenches of war among the
    shell holes and pieces of men strewn about
    there is a patch of grass untouched to
    remind us of good old days in pubs where
    we shared pints with one another and spoke
    of the excitement of war's engagement how
    we scatter the enemy and in a month plant
    our flag on a hill of their blood and bones.

They promised we would be home by Christmas.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

okay.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

okay.

I am okay
it's just extremely ambiguous

              A word that holds just as many different meanings as there are languages in the world

i've heard almost every tongue i've encountered use it
           it means the same thing to us all
           it means everything all at once

Am I okay?

I still claw through dense sadness
I still dwell on impenetrable pain
                   I still mask wells of fiery anxiety -- ripping the pit of my stomach
                 I question the validity of my own feelings
    I struggle desperately to heal
                                                                       I'm trying, truly
I'll keep trying.

Because I am okay, I really am.

                                               I'm just within several definitions of that dangerously ambiguous word.

everything is relative, but nothing is fixed.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

escape.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

escape.

days pass, and that never changes
until it does
then it's what you always wanted, right?

But by then you won't want it anymore

spend your life waiting passively for a reason
                                to slip away
in a way nobody can blame you for
so your memory brings warmth and love
                rather than selfish cruelty

but when the day of your craving finally comes,
it'll be from a life you no longer want to leave

and that's just the way it has to be

beg for it , until it's there

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Fathers and Sons

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

William J Donovan

Fathers and Sons

I could've been at his deathbed. Maybe offered
      some solace and comfort and sent him off
      with a proper "God's speed"!
      I Declined an Invitation to My Father's Death.
      I might've played right into his hands and now
      guilt plagues me as I listen to sad songs and
      write sad poetry and hope I remember to call my son
      tomorrow so that maybe he'll be at my death bed.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Drown

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

William J Donovan

Drown

Life's a carnival, a festival and
    a tragedy and comedy in one pie.
    It's a terrifying and wild roller coaster
    and that first time in the deep end
    when you thought you'd never find
    another breath but did. It is lost in
    time in the bumper car ride at Coney.
    It's kissing grandma's corpse goodbye.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

shattered.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

shattered.

I've been silent on paper
I've been loud in my head
the voices that chatter against my skull
              Reverberations of all my shortcomings, failures,
My narratives of unworthiness

                                  I am my own detriment
                                           my own destruction

I cling to pain and welcome heartache like an old friend

                                     I was born with a broken heart
fragile and shattered
                                  carefully pieces together
                                 bursting at the seams

crushed by the hands i chose to hold it.

i break my heart to make it bigger, why not crack my skull when my mind swells

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

trying.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

trying.

they ask me what my pain feels like,
i say not everything feels like something else

ow ow ow ow ow

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

jamocha almond fudge.

Apr 2022 Johnny Dust

Kelly

jamocha almond fudge.

i still have your favorite ice cream flavor in my notes
i don't want to forget it
just in case
I still linger on your laugh in the moments off guard, coming across your face on another's page
just in case
i remind myself of the curve of your voice, the tears on your cheeks, and the bulk of porta 800 in my pocket
just in case
i remember the smell of your skin, your ringless fingers laced in mine
just in case
I still hold the breath of our last "i love you"'s in the pit of my stomach
just in case
just in case you change your mind
just in case you come home.