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I remember the times we never had.
The moments we never shared.
The long nights of conversations composed of the sweet echoing of nothingness.
The days where we did nothing but we did everything.
I remember it all.
I remember the first date that never happened.
We went out to see a movie and eventually went for a walk around the block.
A walk that lasted **** near 3 hours.
I remember how sore your legs never were after that walk.
The moonlit sky, no clouds to hide the empty darkness, the sounds of emptiness echoed from every missing star.
The first kiss that never occurred happened under that sky.
Those “memories” keep playing back to me on days like this.
I take in every moment that never happened as if it was a dream sewn to the edges of my heart, I don't want to let go... But it never happened.
What's there to let go of?
I remember months passing, I treasured every moment I got to hear your voice.
The sweet honey of your words reverberating at the edges of my subconscious, slipping into reality.
I remember memories of dreams of hallucinations dipped in the wishing well of my heart.
And then I remember the bad times that never happened.
The arguments about things that would be forgotten.
The fights over things that never existed.
I remember how we made up.
I don't think I would have meant anything as much as I would have when I told you I was sorry.
I remember it all.
The “I love you's” in the middle of the night.
No reason to say it, we just wanted to..
But then I remember something that I should never have forgotten.
We never had memories of what love was.
 Dec 2013 Jackie Andary
Redshift
superstar of the lowest level of the food chain
they marvel at my wondrous acts
i am enticing, raucous, too loud
the prima donna of the freakshow ballet
they would pay
to be seen with me
the perpetrator of chaos

hoodies with spikes on them
batman tshirts
and too tight
skinny jeans
tired pink sneaks
from my wandering days
i am the queen of misfits
i've graduated
 Dec 2013 Jackie Andary
brooke
let me
take my
hair down
for you.
(c) Brooke Otto 2013
Your flaws are like stars to me
because I see them in your darkest moments,
I see them when the sun has set
and the night starts to whisper the truths
that you refuse to hear,
and I see them when the sky is clear
from thundering rain clouds.
But you hate the stars at night
and the only star that you learned to love is the sun,
as if its rays are going to love you
for the whole day,
when only it can meet you halfway.
Believe me when I say that,
like luminous bodies in space,
your flaws look beautiful to me.
And I don't want them to go away
because then the sky would be dark,
empty,
honestly boring,
and I wouldn't be able to write this love poem,
trying to appreciate the perfect manner
of your imperfections
by comparing them to something
that is literally out-worldly.

I love the stars
and I love you.
 Dec 2013 Jackie Andary
samasati
I look behind me
& you vanished all too soon,
leaving me to find the proper branch
to spin up a cocoon
& wait
for something
magnificent
to happen
I think you are magnificent
but I know I shouldn’t so I’d better not
& I’m sorry the sun burns your skin
but your hands burn mine
& every time I look behind me
you’re always gone
& if I look beside me
you’re holding someone’s hand
but it’s never mine
& though I understand love dies
sometimes it goes on, hopelessly inside
someone like me
broken and battered and sanguine still
someone who anticipates her empty heart
to be filled
& I keep looking behind me
as if you’ve just slowed down to tie your shoe
but I never pay attention to what’s coming ahead
& crash into cars and walls instead
Today our bell ringer was
¨What makes you happy?¨
I stared at my blank paper,
sighed,
and turned it in.
Are we not perfect strangers

A chill that's on the wind
The icicle that tickles
As we breath each other in

Are we not perfect strangers

A question that begs to ask
Standing on the fault line of time
A slight memory of the past

Are we not perfect strangers

A stolen glimpse from across the room
Raising glasses high in a toast to life
Perfect strangers me and you
 Dec 2013 Jackie Andary
moonlit
i miss you more than you think.
(deleted)

i haven't smiled in a while, but when i think about you i do.
(deleted)

you left your sweater here. i wear it to bed sometimes. do you want it back? [it still smells like you.]
(deleted)

i still remember how your favorite color was the sky right before sunset.
(deleted)

you said you loved me, what happened?
(deleted)

i'm still so sorry. i didn't mean to push you away.
(deleted)

please just hear me out. let me explain.
(deleted)

i left my beanie at your house. i know it was your favorite. can i come get it?
(deleted)

i wish you knew how i still felt about you.
(deleted)

i hope you haven't moved on, because i sure haven't.
(deleted)

i listened to real friends today, i remember when you made me listen to them. all i could think of was you.
(deleted)

do i still mean anything to you?
(deleted)

god i wish you knew how often i think about your eyes. i still think they resemble forest trees.
(deleted)

it's been two months. i'm still torn up.
(deleted)

i have spent so many night cuddling up to my pillow wishing it was you.
(deleted)

i can't think straight because i keep thinking about what you're doing right now.
(deleted)

do you still think about me?
(deleted)

i didn't know my heart could shatter over and over until i met you.
(deleted)
we could've been in love. i'm so sorry.
(deleted)

is this still affecting you as much as it is me?
(deleted)
 Oct 2013 Jackie Andary
NitaAnn
I am
 Oct 2013 Jackie Andary
NitaAnn
I am a high-maintenance client.
I am a sad scared little girl.
I am an angry rebellious teenager.
I am a self-reliant woman with above average intelligence.
I am sad and small.
I am overbearing and demanding.
I am questioning and untrusting.
I am sarcastic and amusing.
I am outgoing and reserved.
I am determined and strong but also fearful and weak.
I am honest but withholding.
I am compassionate and giving and yet also hard and cold.
I am stubborn and willful.
I hide behind the facade of a woman I want to be.
I feel nothing and too much at the same time.
I am the life of the party but never really present.
I am beautiful crystal on the outside but shards of broken glass on the inside.
I will endure a hurricane to take away someone else’s pain and turmoil
and yet I cannot seem to do the same for myself.*
  
I am the product of a man who wanted me in controlling and abusive ways.
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