You're not depressed
You smile and laugh too much

when I feel numb and empty
Or like there's nothing left for me
I laugh at your terrible joke
And smile at your obscene happiness
Because I'm glad you're ok

You're not anxious
You don't look it, you talk too much

When I'm jittery
I hide my nervous ticks
Like scratching my hands under the table
I talk to stop the thoughts controlling
Because i don't want to worry you with them

I'm not sure my questions are rhetorical anymore
I wish you'd give me an answer

Look at my YouTube for you page.
You'll see short flims, spoken word poetry and information videos.
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word sad in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing.
To make sure I'm not insane.

Look at my recent Google searches.
You'll find articles, quizzes and wiki pages
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word depressed in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing
To make sure I'm not crazy

Look at my search history.
Can you see the am I gay quiz?
can you see the do you have depression video?
can you see the how do I know my gender article?
I don't think that's normal...can I see yours?
Do you do research aswell?
Are we both unstable?

Weeks then month and years so far
Eventually decades might also pass
With a golden light shining above my head
When perhaps red horns would be a better fit

How could you ever possibly know me
You question my haircut but then all you see
Is a good girl who's had a wee blip in the system
Because you won't see the volcano beneath

The lava some times flows through a crack
When I yell or I curse or I stab you in the back
But still it's only a bump in the road
Because you won't see I'm ready to explode

The heat some times escapes from a gyser
That's when I break down, crumble and cry
That's when you see how I feel everyday
But you just comfort me and tell me its gonna be okay

It can never be okay, it just wouldn't work
I've discovered secrets you hid from me. First
How is this growing up, who invented this,
Were they mad like **** this ****

Secondly why does it depend on my schooling
Who gives a **** if I can do trig or if I'm failing
What if I want to write songs or play in a band
Or travel around the world and live in a van

Thirdly why do you care so much, it's only my life
How much could it possibly be worth
What is one person, i.e me, going to change in this world
Of conflict and war, why can't people just learn

Lastly, if you want to help me do well
Stop caring about my beliefs just accept I'm going to hell
Maybe then I'll learn something in your place
And my volcano won't spontaneously combust in your face.

I sit by your side and I am faintly aware of how much noise I am making

I try to catch my breath without you hearing

I can feel the dirt and particles dance across my hands and I feel disgusting

I look at you, you are how life should be
You are clean without trying . Your body isn’t demanding of space.

This skin of mine is an ill fitting outfit and I want it off .

Every night i see the darkness or stars
Every night i hear the sound of the night birds
Every night i listen to my family sleep while
Every night i lie awake and alone
Every night i look at the stars instead of my lids
Every night i hear birds instead of dreaming
Every night i wish to escape
Every night i dread the next day
Every night that I don't sleep
Every night followed by a day of faking it
Every night trying to cover the dark circles
Every night trying to stay awake
Every night trying not to close my eyes
Every night dreading my subconscious mind
Every night watching my dad die
Every night though I never saw him alive
Every night watching my friends go down
Every night shot after shot
Every night i wish I could reopen my eyes