You're up in your head
Thinking about him thinking about you thinking about all the things you could have said
Second guessing
Over and over
All the decisions you made
Questioning if this is all worth the struggle
Maybe you should just give in and call him over

But he ain’t thinking about you like that
He’s driving to work, calling his friends, and making sure he’s got the best **** football stats
You’re twirling inside your own head
Reminiscing all of those memories
So hard to forget all those long long nights
But at the end of the day just remember
Losing time over him is just another mistake

Up till 11 PM tossing and turning
Wondering what he’s doing now
Getting mad at your self
It’s been so long why does he keep creeping back in
When the loneliness keeps you up like that
And all you want to do is curl on up
Tell yourself

He ain’t think about you like that
He’s talking to his mama, shooting hoops, and wondering if his lunch break is coming round soon
You’re twirling inside your own head
Reminiscing all of those memories
So hard to forget all those long long nights
But at the end of the day just remember
Losing time over him is just another mistake

But what’s worse
Whatcha can’t get out of your head
What if all those memories that you can’t undo that just creep on up in the middle of the afternoon
What if the kisses, the smiles, the tears, and the sweet helloes are all gone to waste
What keeps me up and up and up
What if he’s thinking about someone else

Cause he ain’t think about me like that
He’s ain’t talking to me about his mama, his friends, or his long *** day
He's twirling inside my head
Reminiscing all of those memories
So hard to forget all those long long nights
But at the end of the day just remember
Losing time over him is just another mistake

It’s ok to miss it
At first, it just made me cry to think of us
I wanted so badly to go back
Turn around, forget the last month and be us
The two idiots who somehow turned amazing *** into a relationship
The person who I could *** in the shower with
The person who wrestled with me until I gave in
I tried to forget those people
Who became best friends

But, it’s ok to miss it
It’s ok because it is something that has changed me for the better
Something that instead of seeeing as over can be a standard for everyone else
A standard of love, of freienship, that I will hold everyone to
A love that gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself
To see my worth through my strength

So, I sit here
Still able to cry about our memories
But learning to cherish
Cherish the love that can be built
The connection that makes you crazy
It’s ok to miss it
It shows you how far you’ve come

"Only five minutes," she said
Go.

Remember the first time you made me breakfast?
Easy mac with ground beef
"******* disgusting," is what my friends said
I didn't mind, only made you a little more intriguing
Most guys didn't even make me breakfast
You brought it to the little table of your friend's apartment
We sat in silence
A lot of silence
"**** it, I thought he was cool"
But, then something amazing happened
You spoke
Ever so slowly, you spoke
About work, about california, about everything
I slowly joined in
Steadily making jokes
Testing the waters
That's when it started
Opening up over powdered cheese

Fast foward.
Six months of ******* and we are eating tacos
You brought flowers
That made me happier than you could ever imagine
We went to dinner at some overpriced place
Even though I would have been happy at Wendy's with you
It was raining
Like it is today
We ran out of the restaurant
I was covering my hair wanting to look pretty for you
We decided on dancing
I was so bad
So bad
My awkward body couldn't keep a beat
You didn't seem to mind
We drank, we danced, we laughed
Then, we kissed
And when we kissed it was us
Those two kids eating easing mac awkwardly talking
No music, no stupid heels, no silence
Us, moving in sync

Then, we got out of sync
I don't completely know what it was
But, it was as if reality hit you right in the face
Dancing and kissing wasn't enough
It couldn't hold us together anymore
Doubt and uncertainty creeped in
You weren't the same
I wish I could have noticed
I was just so enthralled with you
I craved that spark we created
It was all I ever needed with you
I wish you could still be dancing with me
Making me unhealthy, amazing breakfasts
But, its over and those are the memories of the past

I guess that's all the time I get

We are on a rollecoaster
I’m in one car and you are in another
Separated by wooden tracks
You are almost at the top of the drop
So excited to go over the bump
You have this smile, ready to scream and let the air smack against your face

I just started
I’m slowly climbing up
Clicking my way to you
Smiling because I can see the joy on your face
You look back at me, patiently watching
Your face drops as you realize I’m farther back
I start getting anxious
Not being up there with you
Frantically trying to speed up in my cart
Wanting to zoom down the ride with you

But that’s just it.
I so badily wanted to be on that exhilarating ride with you
To see the rush in your eyes and fly through the air
But, in all the thrill of you, I never got to be in my cart
To see the uphill view off of that rollercoaster
Slowly ride my way to the top
To experience the slow, cool breeze
The jaw clenching anticipation
I wanted to skip the line
Go past all the excitement and crash down that ***** with you

So now, I stay in my cart
I ride up that daunting hill while watching you go down it
I can’t speed up the ride
Although I wanted to go faster I realized that no matter what I did, I couldn’t change the pace
I wasn’t ready for the top
I was ready for you, for us
But that made no difference as we went along in our own carts
So now, I hold on tight
All alone, but eager to see what the ride has to offer
Learning to be at the bottom of the ride
All the while, hoping your ride is amazing
On the inclined track I look up, accepting the pull of the ride

I just hope I see you at the end

Good enough
Words to die by
Good enough
Fears best friend
Good enough
Governed by insecurity
I deserve more
The truth.

I thought today was going to be good
Get up and just be the old me
I sometimes forget her
She was so engrossed in herself
Always so lively and free

But, you changed her
You made her feel love
Something that was new and so addicting
The connection she had been searching for
She craved the way you looked at her
The way you touched her
She wanted those nights, those laughs
That lively girl dove head first into your comfort
Eyes shut and full force she dove
Arms spread and eyes closed tight
Freely, she blissfully fell into you
Let herself truly be completely open
No concern with the clouds or rain around her
Ignoring the alarming winds
But, cold nights soon creeped up on that flying girl
The days got darker
And the girl wasn't ready
She was so engulfed in her newfound sunlight
She wasn't prepared to crash
To hit the ground
Fall from what was seemed higher than she could ever imagine
When she hit, she was broken
What was left wasn't the same girl
Pain emerged from the cracks of the ground
Only to show her a feeling she couldn't imagine
Today, that same pain of yesterday greeted the girl
And tomorrow it will do the same
She thought another sleep would mend her flight

Days like today,
I wish I could go back to that girl

I’ve been trying to remember how easy and simple it all was
I let what may come to come
Now i find myself trying to force so many things, so many emotions
If I’m honest with myself I’ve been trying to find another you
Another one i can share my stories, my laughs
Someone who can fill the loneliness i feel on nights like this
I get clingy
I get tired
And at the end of the day, feel more lonely
I want that hole in my chest to go away
To be able to make myself feel whole
I don’t know how foolish that is
Whether i should pretend to be happy and it will eventually come
Or force myself to find a person to grow inside the dusty place
Can i ever be the girl before you
Or is this pain supposed to make feel this insecure and heartbroken
People keep telling me it’ll make you stronger
But how long has it been?
I still feel so weak
Pleasure does reside within me
I hope someone finds a way to bring it out

It's late I know
2 am but I can't seem to go to bed
Thought of you just roam around
Stalling my escape for the night
It takes over me and I'm never in control
I want to eat
Go down stairs and eat
Maybe drink those drinks we always had
We were good at that
getting drunk for days
Drunk off our *****
But what use is it now
I have no one
It's a joke to think I was special
Why could we only have fun when we were both unconscious
It's fun to think what could have been
Or maybe just torture
either way it's fake
Cause you will never be able to show me
What you truly want
Or if you truly care
Without a sip of that drink
Those drinks we always had

Let's start over
Just forget all the mistakes I've made
I messed up
Like I always do
I wish I could go back
God I would change everything
I wanna blame it on the music
Or the alcohol
Or the dancing
I just wanna forget that night
And start over with you
Just escape and forgive who I've become
But I can't
So, I'll continue to pretend like I don't see you
And that I don't see your eyes
Those circles that pierce with anger
And leave a sting of rejection
I'll pretend I don't hear the laughs
The mocking of that night
I won't deny anything
Because when I turn around and look Into those betrayed eyes
I can see a spark
That spark of sadness
That's become so familiar to me
Because behind those vengeful eyes There's the tears that I have cried
The pain that I have felt
And the guilt that I have to bear
So, for now I'll just believe that there's a chance for us
But, if one day, your eyes glance over to me
I beg you,
Don't look away.

It's okay not to miss it
I get it.
Not hard to be lonely
When I was only part of your story
It's okay to ignore me
Act like it was all so simple
The memories all ripped open but slowly fading
It's okay to move on while I'm still mourning
**** that.
I'm gonna tell you how you hurt me
Made me feel like nothing
As if you were some trophy
I cared more so don't give me those lies
It was obviously me and not you
Sorry I tried.

Remember how we use to be
Always laughing
We could never get enough
We stood in line that one day
Because you promised me ice cream
And I just had to have that waffle cone
Sorry I was a mess I guess it became too much
Because that first year was a start
To what I don't know
But a start that never seemed to finish
Because it was interrupted
Maybe it was me
Actually it probably was
Did I change or you, it's know use questioning
Because that winter, perhaps it was the cold, but you went with the season
Those laughs turned into fights and your eyes became a new shade of color
One that I had never seen
There wasn't anymore ice cream and you didn't care
But I watched as this mess grew to something that consumed me
What we became was someone I didn't recognize
Someone I couldn't be
So this is my apology
For leaving, for choosing myself
Maybe it didn't affect you and maybe you didn't notice.
But saving myself was the best **** thing I did
God and am I glad
But on nights like this when I feel lonely
I think of what could have been
If that snow didn't sweep you away
the memories of us laughing that first year. And I thank you for not chasing after me.