Its been a year since my character cracked
I locked away the pain
So I could keep myself sane
I remind myself that pain is temporary
But then the truth itches when I rub my scars in my heart.

No one just decides to be different
You can stand out so much from a crowd
But it ain’t so bad
You are meant to find your own place in the world
Sometimes without realizing it
You’re a wolf in a sheep herd

I always had these two sides of me.
One that everyone sees with a smile and positivity but for every battery there is always negativity.
I never show that side of me because I do not want people to worry nor see that person that is the lonely side of me.
The thoughts that i keep to myself, the secret wishes that I try to grant myself.
To be honest, I don't truly love myself.
I may be human and that's no fault of my own but I can't help but take jabs at myself for every flaw and mistake, I have and have done.
Maybe I can bob and weave every now and again because I find the strength to but it was not because of me.
I wrap myself with consistent positivity that i pretend that there is nothing wrong with me and hoping to god that someone does not see through my facade and start to unwrap me like a kid on Christmas morning.
Eventually they see a person who's scared of being alone and
depressed that it might actually be true.
Feelings that just sit on my soul, waiting for someone to claim them but for anyone who digs deep and take that huge leap for me, might not see a huge trophy saying victory but a small one for participation.

I cant keep it to myself
I love the way you smile and how your mouth curves
I love the way your hair flips elegantly every time your head turns
I feel like i cant have you but i have the strongest crush on you
Its definitely not what i planned or expected
The spread of love may have finally gotten me infected
Am i right to pursue these feelings or
Am i wrong because I’m too scared to share what i feel, it might not be enough for your heart that i want to steal.
Maybe its not the right time
But i feel like it will take a lifetime
At the end of the day when my thoughts have emptied
Its just pure feelings and it seems so right to me to just say....
I like you...

In a world where deep love
Becomes a deep cut
An emotionally draining scar
That gets to replay in your mind
In a world  where being perfect
Was never good enough
No matter the effort
Your heart breaks
Your head overthinks
Your soul getting crushed by the weight
In a world where you’re staying up late
Alone with the loneliest feeling in the world
Let me sleep forever

Why were you the first thing I saw in a crowd?
Maybe I subconsciously knew you were around.
Maybe I went toward the magnetic pull of your existence.
Nonetheless, my heart raced and i was ready to be amazed again.
When someone says “Your smile is brighter than the sun”.
Thats an understatement.
Because as soon as I turned that corner
I saw millions of stars inside one.

I bite my nails.
Just a bad habit.
Im too stubborn to admit I’m wrong most of the time.
Just a bad habit.
I easily fall in love with a girl even though every sign in life says...Don’t
Just a bad habit.
I over think about simple things, thinking i need a map with specific instructions when i can just do “the simple thing”.
Just a bad habit.
I unintentionally harm the people i love.
Why is that a bad habit?

You slipped under my insecurity cracks
Made me feel at peace but i had to turn my back
Unfortunately what I lack is common sense and empathy
And that **** led to a broken heart
I wish someone can paint me a picture, or make a chart
To how to live without regret and maybe ill forget the pain I’ve caused
I hate hurting someone because the realization doubles back
Striking me emotionally and it hits hard cause you hear an echoing smack
Im sorry that my judgement was blurry
Ill do better for everyone by remembering
Remembering the imprint of that pain

I think it was your eyes that got me excited
I saw a future with 60 years of marriage riding a golden carriage toward a path of peace
With a 14 karat gold ring around your finger and a key to your new house
I thought thats what I saw
Thats what I wanted to see

When I hear your name my heart ever so slightly breaks
Like standing on thin ice on a frozen lake
It takes only one step to crack
And that one crack deepens into a ravine
I just wanna know why you left me
Even when you made me feel like someone who’s worth it
You.    Left.     me.

When blue has the ocean and sky
Whats does black have?
When orange and red has the sunset
What does black have?
When yellow has the sun and white has the moon
What could black possibly have?
Well...if you look past it all.
Black has the stars that light up the night sky
The planets that surround our biggest star
And the galaxy that houses our home
Thats what black has...

Back in time, bullying me was a trend
Isolation was my friend
I was an alien in my home world
But the structure of the student embodiment made me wanna hurl
I was tired though
Tired of the hidden bruises
Tired of which one chooses whom to roast me next
Tired of being persecuted
One day i snapped and fought back
I didn’t care if the next ******* was skinny or fat
All i wanted to do was hear someones bones snap
The bad crowd became my friend
Me bullying became a trend
For some reason i thought i had something to prove
Looking towards the bullies to see if they approve
I could of just said *******
But it would just be back to square one too
I had a broken halo showing my morals
I had devilish decisions in most of my quarrels
One day i stood in front of someone
I thought it was just gonna be another one-on-one
But when he looked at me
All he could see was the monster inside of me
He got on his knees and cried
It was like looking at a mirror
What I’ve been doing never been clearer
I saw myself
What i thought kept me strong
Was just something morally wrong

My heart is in a jail cell
And my mind is the warden
Whenever my heart feels something
My mind says you cant afford it
As if the price was too high
But my heart says ill take a loan,**** it
you can keep me in debt till i die
Its worth the stress and regret
If it ends the way i want
ill take that bet
I rather be shackled by one lover
Than know so many women with an artificial cover
I will at least know its real
Rather, i get a paranoid thought saying its just too good of a deal
Its a constant battle honestly
It seems like my mind is always right
And i see myself walk away from my heart
Because i feel the betrayal and dishonesty
Is my heart delusion or is it a guide?

With a broken smile she said,
“Why do you love me so much? I am just going to break your heart.”

He held her ever so tightly and replied,
“Then break it. Its not my heart that gets me to come back to you. It’s you”

Before my heart withers and dies
I want to feel
And thats just it
I want to feel
Like the world isn’t going to crash on me anymore
Like holding hands with someone who can make you feel like nothing else matters
Like emptying out the negative chatter that haunts in my mind
I want to find the right kind of person who makes me...feel

It was just one of those nights
The kind of night that was nauseating
The one where I want to go out for a long drive while listening to Drakes Thank Me Later album
The one where I wanna be numb to everything
Unfortunately I can’t, so I just sit there and pretend that everything in my head is...well... just in my head.

I tried so hard to be the perfect guy
I can't change her past and trauma
She was left with a hole in her heart
For god sake, I can't fill it
A familiar pain, my soul aches
She says she has to leave
No matter what I say
No matter what I do
I can't convince her to stay
I can't be mad
I can't be sad either
Its not her fault
Maybe Love is not for me anymore.

Its been a very long time
But i finally feel like I’m actually fine
A chapter of my life has finally ended
Though, it took longer than i expected
I can finally scream its over
My dreams have never been closer
My future has never been brighter
The weight i carried became so much lighter
Im finally free to see what life can offer me
I can be happy in my own mind
The amount of love that surrounds me is just too kind
The only thing i can say is thank you
If it wasn’t for you
i probably wouldn’t have changed my point of view

Love can be shaped in many ways
It can leave you blind, deaf and silent
You can fight with it, for it, or against it
It can be a weapon of mass resentment
It can be a key to contentment  
Its hard for me to decipher the differences
Who gets to decide what type of love goes the distances?
Who gets to decide how far that love can go?
Your mind starts to wonder what is morally right
life can be so f*ed up
The fact that everything isn’t always black and white.
You choose to use love anyway
You light the fire in a heart or you put it out on an ashtray
Whether good or bad
Whether it makes you happy or sad
When you take the time to find the love in you....
You realize love can be used right by a few...

Let your thoughts echo
On the pianos keys
Listen to the soft symphony
And take in the vibes
That puts your heart at ease

I like to listen to music when I sleep
I hear the lyrics cut deep into my dreams
I dance more in my dreams than our mainstream reality
Feeling the music through my brain drains the pain that streams through my soul
Revive my heart for the new day

Through your beautiful glass eyes
I see the night sky
The universe in my arms
Weeping comets
I hold her tighter to feel the sun in her chest
The warm feeling from her touch
Keeps me falling more into her love

Silently echoing sincerity through your heart
I stay near you,to hold you, when you fall apart
I know this is hard to believe
I wake up happy because I know I will see you later
And when you turn to me and that caramel smile leaks
Exposing those cute dimpled cheeks
You make me feel like nothing else matters
It feels like were meant for each other
If it were meant to be
Then somebody should’ve given me the key to your heart by now.

They say i walk among
The children of the devil
Just cause i listen to metal
But lets be frank, there’s a devil in all of us
Some hearts are darker than the black shirts i wear
Some voices speak the only parts of english that hurts
My music taste does not define me
I am my own being
I express my own thoughts, ideas, and feelings
I don’t mind being the outcast of the norm
Ill scream out of my soul and release a storm
Just to show you, no matter you say
I won’t change for your convenience
Have a nice day.

In the end and at the very least I wish you could understand me better
Maybe then our conversations wouldn’t start and end with anger, disappointment, sadness, and confusion
I’m sorry we don’t see everything in one picture frame
I see the opposite view from you
But it is not my fault
Thats just how my world raised me
Whether or not we come together and try to find common ground
I’ll still move forward with success ahead of me, regardless of how wrong you think it is
You did your best to be my father
I’ll love you regardless of the stress and pain we put each other through

Trying to grasp whats left of my reality
Speeding on my own highway
I just need it all to stop
Slamming on the brakes as hard as I can before I fall over the edge
Creeping over the ledge
I see my crippling end
If I fall
Hopefully it wont be long

I walk around this big empty room
That was once loud
I used to hear the sound of laughter
Now a deafening silence consumes it
I touch the walls
The soft touch of romantic intimacy
Gone
Numb to my fingertips
The shine from your perfectly curved smile
Diminished and I am then blind in the dark
As I walk out the room
I close the door behind me
I lock it and as I walk away
I turn around to look at the door one more time
“Heart” was written on it