Vacuumed floors and
Organized dressers
This is relaxation

Cold baths with no bubbles
Blunt roaches swimming in ash
Wicks that drowned and died in the wax of over burned candles
plates with half eaten food
Sitting there for days
Clothes so big you could dive into them head first
Circles so deep you look almost as if you’ve been punched in the face
But you feel that way too so
What’s the difference?
When you no longer count the calories you just
Restrict everything you consume
I almost miss when I would feel the pain of my body consuming itself
But everything is a dull ache now
This is only flesh tightly stretched over tired bones

Our love smells like gasoline
And alcohol
On these honest talkative nights
You showed me how to spiral out of control
And fly off the edge like it meant nothing to me
You located the spots in which I had never known were there
Like a book you read me and a garden you watered me
Our love it was nuclear
It was mutant
It’s sad Radiohead songs on long drives late at night
It’s the cigarette smoke stains so pungent on the roof on your old rodeo you could smell it as much as you could see it
****** noses in the cold
Seeing your breath but not being able to distinguish it from the smoke
Broken bottles and empty pipes
Cashed bowls and vomiting out of car doors
This is what it felt like
To really truly fall in love  
Waking up the night after still fully dressed
And in your makeup
It’s a *****, grungy, stinky, sticky,messy, wreckless life I live
But I live it loving you because it’s the only thing I want to do