My hairs coming out in single extensions
but they're not that;
they were once rooted in my head.
This happens every year bringing a new fear of what could be and what isn't.
I've said goodbye too many times this year and losing my hair is just
another one to whisper.
They say hair holds value, whether its comfort, memories, or any sense of spirituality
and part of me is dying
but I think thats okay.
Ive been nothing but a phoenix all my life,
rising from ashes,
spreading my wings to fall again
but I always got back up
more of a warrior than the last time.
I run my hand through my hair and sprinkle the shed across the grass much like the ashes
I continue to rise from.
I know the truth is within me even if
it's hard to stomach.
The pit in it will soon sprout and root in my intestines and grow something new.
Im laying this year to rest with both my best friends and the yearning for what I cant have.

If you asked me 5 years ago what I wanted in life, I'd tell you it's exactly what I have now.

I woke up one day and had nothing but everything I ever dreamed and hoped for at the same time.

I realized that no matter what I had in the material, it meant nothing if I had no one to share it with. There was no one there to see me come out the other side of this fight so it felt like I never did.  

Now I am left with a graveyard of friends and lovers that I had lost along the way.
Those that I still lay flowers at and those that I speak of through clenched teeth.
Their names just taste a little bitter
and maybe I am too.
Bitter that you didn't see the vision or believe that id make anything more of my broken pieces
when I always carried yours through storms and watered your every thought
and god, I really tried to bring you with me.

I have all this land.
A foundation.
Built around tombstones of the past.
No one within 200 miles
but ghosts
and I struggle to say "I'm home".