My feet are muddy
From trudging through this rut.
Day in and day out
The same old things twisting in my guts.
It would be so easy
To just give in or give up.
But there is hope inside me,
A small spark and that's enough.
I'll clean off this dirt
And pull myself out of here.
Brand new, I want to live,
I will live.

My eyes betray me,
They follow the motion of his hands,
They trace the curve of his back.
They will me to send out my fingers,
Willing traitors, to touch his face.
I imagine what it would be like,
To rub my face into his beard,
To breathe in the scent of him.
My mind calls mutiny,
Searches for ways to escape him.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about....
The way his eyes betray him.
They search for me in the crowded room.
They trace the curve of my body,
And land softly on my lips.
His eyes are wanting,
Willing his hands to lay siege.
My mind is quiet, giving in,
There is no escape for me.
Like old lovers
Our eyes greet one another.

I can't bear this tearing, this pulling.
It's ripping me to pieces
As I stand helpless.
My mind is open in all directions,
But where do I go from here?
Where's my solace?

I thought once I held it in my hands,
Held on as tight as I could
Willed it to stay.
But just as it always has, it broke to pieces.
Ripping me wide open,
Tearing me away.

I stuck it back together with lies and tried
To keep it with me one more time,
One more day of peace.
It's cracking under the pressure of my fingers,
Threatening to snap once again.
Break me in its release.

It's racing through my blood,
Once a puddle, now a flood.
Lighting fire to my every limb,
You're so good as I breathe you in.

My fingers are ****** from clawing away
At this tomb that you built, my own grave.
You buried me in my own hatred, self doubt
And now I'm killing myself trying to get out.
"*****, ugly, worthless, nothing." You said
As you bashed me until I was all but dead.
Then you kicked me hard down into this hole,
And I mourned all the self worth that you stole.
But I'm almost to the surface now, so close,
What's left of me now more resembles a ghost.
I've come this far and I'm not giving in,
I'll regain what you tore from me with a ******* grin.

I can't remember why I held you up so high,
You've got nothing but a cold emptiness inside.
It spread like a virus and washed over me,
Into my strength you planted the weakest seeds.
I became what you wanted, broken to nothing,
When all I ever desired to be was your something.
You held me so low that I scraped on the ground,
With your virus inside I couldn't make a sound.
I just bled and I bled until nothing was left,
You kept all my pride for yourself, such a petty theft.
I held you so high that you couldn't see the floor,
But I see the error in my ways and say, "Nevermore."

How can it be?
His light upon my face,
Magnifying beauty, grace,
Has returned so easily?

Your memory is benign,
But it's spreading like cancer.
I'm searching for reasons
And can't find an answer.
Five years have passed away
Since we last said goodbye.
Our love took its final breath,
But now I wonder why.
Your face is a tumor
Growing in my thoughts.
I should cut it out, excise it,
Or so I was taught.
But these images are sweet,
So I will hold on.
Your memories won't **** me,
Only remind me you're gone.

Do you remember drawing pictures in the stars?
We once knew who we were, who we are.
But memories disappear; this much is true,
They will leave me behind, just like you.

Are we doomed to be nothing more
Than two paper airplanes adrift.
We live on separate gusts of wind,
Gently keeping our distance.

Who are you?
Masquerading as a boy,
Putting on masks of joy,
Playing me, your human toy.
Who are you?
Clenching hands into fists,
Thrashing out rage in your fits,
Pretending I don't really exist.
Who are you?
Turning all my love away,
Acting like everything's okay,
With nothing left to even say.
Who are you?
You used to be my one,
But you're off thinking you've won,
But, boy, this war has just begun.
Who have you become?
Who are you?

His smile is easy like the sun rising in the east,
It showers its plains and fields in radiating light.
Wild flowers rise from the ground to bask in his glow,
Turning their faces toward this magnificent sight.
His eyes glisten, windows to this wonderful place,
Through them the marvels of the world beam out.
Towering megaliths of strength exist within him,
Beauty in his world without a shadow of doubt.

You came for me at night,
Sharp teeth bared and glaring,
Dripping poison and snarling,
Eyes bloodshot and protruding.
You took me apart that night,
Soft flesh crumpled and bleeding,
Gaping wounds and bones cracking,
Screams growing faint and wheezing.
You became a monster that night,
Shredding my confidence and laughing,
Pushing hatred upon me and smiling,
Reaching out beyond the mirror and winning.

Why is it you?
When my mind can't unwind,
When I'm at my darkest
At my brightest.
Why is it you?
When my body sleeps
But my brain is awake,
Dreaming up memories.
Why is it you?
Whom I've not seen in years,
Left behind in a moment,
Haunting me.

Why is it you
That I so desperately want
Beside me?

I've burned all my bridges,
Lit a match and nursed flames.
Now I'll rise from the ashes,
Make myself a brand new name.
I'm not who I used to be,
None of you knew me anyway.
So without any obstacles
I'll stand taller than ever today.
Sure I'll miss these bridges,
They held such potential.
But they were breaking,
Some condemned by the crumble.
This desolation will be my start,
My chance to move ahead.
Burning bridges for the better,
My past is better off dead.

The house is quiet,
But I'm awake.
The floors creak
The house sighs
And opens its eyes.

I look at you,
Little fingers,
Little toes.
You've got life,
My eyes,
My nose.
You have a future,
Bright days,
All sunshine.
You have family,
Just me,
That's fine.

My life is becoming empty,
I thought I had so many people,
I thought I had at least one,
But I'm finding myself alone.

All my ships have sailed,
Now the tides are rising
And I have no life vest.

I'm such a coward,
Using poetry as a means
To say my feelings
Without bursting the seams.
I could just talk,
Say hello and reconnect.
I could mend previous bridges,
Build over what I wrecked.
I can't get over my fears
It's there no matter what I do.
All I have is this hope
That it's getting to you.

Dear you,
I miss you badly.
I tell myself its silly,
I'm just reminiscing,
I'm just seeking escape,
I'm lonely.
But it's true,
I miss you.
What I wouldn't give
To turn back time.
What I wouldn't give
To just stay.
But its too late,
And I'm stuck.
I missed my opportunity
And the door shut,
It locked behind me
Mocking me.
I'll never have you,
I'll never have love
Like we had.
I'm such an idiot,
An idiot who misses you...
Badly.

Its in my head,
An ugly virus.
The memories won't stop,
Won't go away.
Spreading like a plague,
They're taking over.
All I see is your hands,
Turned to fists.
They haunt me now
I'm so vulnerable.
I have all this love,
I have all this fear.
When will I get over this?
Should I ever get over this...?

I miss the days that have passed,
Ones with so much potential,
Days full of happiness and grace.
I miss the people I have lost,
The poetic fluffy haired friend,
The long distance soft singer.
I miss not feeling so alone,
Counting days of the past,
Wishing they'd come back.

This bruise on my face,
The memory of fists,
I should have known
It would come to this.

Patching us together lightly,
We've become so fragile.
Ripped apart by the slightest breeze,
We're fighting the wind.
Hope is the only thread left
Holding us together.

Sorting feelings too big to understand,
Heavy like blankets yet light,
One by one, set free finally,
I'm set free...finally.

I've cracked my head against your walls,
Screamed into your silent void,
Stepped right into your fire,
For far too long now.

But then again,
I should have worn shoes around fire
I should have exited the void while I could.
I never should have hit my head on your walls

I am wild at heart,
I yearn to be free.
Not stuck in this cage,
Suppressed and controlled.

It's funny,
At night,
In the dark,
It's you.
I miss you,
The laughs,
The smiles,
The love.
He's wrong,
Not right
Like you,
Like us.
I can't tell,
Spill secrets,
About me
Needing you.
This poem will
Tell you
Without telling,
I miss you.

You're an abscess,
A cyst.
You make me wish
You didn't exist.

Nine years since you went away,
I still think of you,
I still love you.
I often wonder if I make you proud,
Do you think of me?
Do you love me?

Daggers on your breath,
You've stabbed me to death.
Injecting poison from your lungs
That danced on your tongue.

No mercy finds me here,
Cowering in secret fear
Of you who were once kind,
But you've left that far behind.

Your heartbeat's a flutter,
Leaves on the breeze.
Skipping along merrily,
Dodging the freeze.
It's fragile and sensitive,
Held in my hands.
For me to warm and foster,
And plant in the sands.
Your heartbeat will grow there,
Become something strong.
Thumping with life and love,
Right where you belong.

My past is a fading melody,
A long forgotten song.
The rhythm is nebulous
And the words no longer exist.
Decrepit and chaotic,
My past is symphonic.

I'm still here for you.
Though I seem so far away,
Think of you every day.

You are the flower,
I am the soil.
From seed to blossom
I raise you.

You are the masterpiece,
I am the artist.
From paint and canvas
I create you.

You are the poem,
I am the poet.
From thought to words
I write you.

You are the thought,
I am the thinker.
From moment to moment
I ponder you.

You are my world,
And I am yours.
From birth to death
I will love you.

I sacrificed everything for you
And what do I get?
You're pulling away from me,
Putting me out like a cigarette.
Sure, it started out okay,
Just like anything does.
You were happy, affectionate,
I felt it, like a buzz.
But now the buzz is fading fast,
And I fight for your love.
Like a boxer, broken and defeated,
I'm putting down my gloves.

I have so much to say,
But my words are running away.
Chased by the fog cast over my brain,
Love just loves to play this game.
My contentment will be my downfall,
But what is love with out contentment, after all?

Outcast and rejected,
Your heart carved in stone.
Your words an infection,
Spilling poison on the bone.
Your lips play a melody of malice,
Your smile is like a grave.
The smell of death on your breath,
Like a stinking wave.

You
Sick
Sick
Sick,

You
Sick
Sick
Sick,

You
Sick
Man.

F­ingers like razors,
Extended from bloodied hands.
Your laughter stinks of cruel intent,
Spattering on the sand.
Your body is a temple,
Singing songs of premeditated ******.
Your tongue is weapon
Of deceit disguised as valor.

You
Sick
Sick
Sick.

You
Sick
Man.

Standing at the gates,
His eyes on his hands.
Virgil is waiting,
For Dante to take a stand.
The keeper with a key,
The the lock of this Hell.
Dante must break on through,
To catch his maiden that fell.

I'd give the world for a kiss
Like the one read about in books.
A small gift upon the lips,
Just as magical as it looks.
I'd give the world for a moment,
Held still in short film.
The world stopping for a second,
For that, a girl could ****.
I'd give the world for a smile,
Like the ones I've begun to miss.
I've been waiting quite a while
For just a smile and a simple kiss.

Her hand grows cold in mine,
Dad says it's time to say goodbye.

A soft smile still on her face,
Peace and serenity, she leaves this place.

Solemn faces blend into the crowd,
She falls in slow motion into the ground.

Air grows stale, the sky begins to cry,
I'm still waiting for the sun to shine.

My perception was clouded,
Muddy and clueless.
I thought you were jaded,
Foggy and foolish.

I've been shown your side of life,
Deep and poetic.
Something I dissected under a knife,
Stupid and hectic.

You cleared my perception,
Crystal, I can now see.
You're more than just an unread story,
At least to me.

His voice was quivering,
Emotion bubbling in his lungs,
It burst through his lips
And slipped on his tongue.
The melody traveled miles
Just to settle on my ears,
The motivation lay hidden
But the message was clear.
"Far away," he whispered
"So far from home."
My heartbeat echoed
As he sang of being alone.
The songs played on my heartstrings,
Each chord and every line,
From his lips came a song of love,
A love that could be mine.
His song drifted off with perfect pitch,
And he whispered so sincere,
"So far away from home," he said
"You're so far away from me, my Dear."

Dear Alice, my love
You came down from above,
But where are you now?

Do you remember me?
Or our parties with tea?
A raven like a writing desk, but how?

They call it Wonderland
But I'm doing all I can,
By myself it's hard not to cry.

I miss you in the worst way,
And it's more than I can bear to say,
You left me for the sky.

Don't get me wrong,
You don't know how I long
Just to see you make your way.

But I need your strength,
These years have endless length
And there's so much I need to say.

I'm mad with love for you,
Even though each other we hardly knew,
I'd die for your bliss.

So I'll wait for your face,
And for you to stumble upon this place,
My love, my dear Alice.

We pressed our memories into the sands of summer
Like fragile sand castles against the water.
As the leaves turned red, orange, yellow
The waves crashed and the towers tottered.

The good times faded into seas of amnesia,
Replaced by the shapeless remnants of their beauty.
The trees withered like old men by the shore,
Over broken castles as far as we could see.

Soon the waves began to fade into the water,
And the snow was once again on its way.
We started to rewrite the beautiful summer again
On the dreadful winter's gray.

Can you hear me screaming?
My heart inside is bleeding.
This trust is receding
As my lonely soul is grieving.

You taught me how to be
Then ripped it out from under me.
You never heard my pleas
As my faith in you seized.

You said you'd always be there,
You are some place, but where?
You said you'd always care,
But even that was more than you would spare.

My brother, my closest friend
Why did it end?
Is the truth so easy to bend?
Love so hard to lend?

No one here understands,
I'm left here with empty hands.
Can we wade back through time's sand?
Could you be a brother if you tried?
If you can?

Free falling in the wind
Like leaves on the breeze.
We twirl on in,
Safe and set free.
You and I blending in,
Like colors on a wheel.
Wild as sin,
We struggle to feel.

I lure you into conversation
To find your smile,
Illumination.

Can you find time for this soul,
To smile with me,
Make me whole?

If you're lonely I'll be a friend,
I'll fight for you
Til the bitter end.