The mess around me
Isn’t even a sliver
Of the mess inside my head

Sometimes I just go into a daydream
And never want to come back to reality

I would give anything and everything
If I could just tell you one more time
That I loved you for laps
Around the galaxy

I can still hear his voice
Telling me how worthless I am
I can still feel his hands
Over my throat
choking me
I can still see the blood
Dripping to the floor
From where he cut me
I can still smell the beer
On his slurred tongue
I can still taste the iron in my mouth
from where he would punch me repeatedly

I can still remember everything my brain allows me too

Purple and green
I’ve always wondered why
These two colors look appealing to me
Must be because
The colors look so nice on my skin
So very nice

the blood running through my veins
cold as ice
as I test my luck
with a role of the dice
except
instead of money
my life
is on the line

My emotions and thoughts are just like an ocean
And I’m drowning on the last bits of the boat of insecurities
And I’m barely surviving on the lifeboat of being “fine”

I
Can’t
Breathe
With
All
The
Pressure
Put
On
Me

Most people have something to show
Something to be proud of
Awards
Medals
Certificates
Scholarships
Jobs
People they’ve met
Fame
Fortune
Love

The only things I have under my belt are
Scars
Hospital visits
Knowledge on how to hide blades and matches
Knowing my way around rules at “facilities”
Random facts about suicide rates
Knowing hundreds of painful and sad quotes off the top of my head
Heartbreak
Being overly knowledgeable on things like PTSD, depression and anxiety
ME teaching the professionals on mental health’s tricks and coping skills
Already knowing every single ******* thing THEY teach
Being able to get around the cops questions without any trouble
Being able to convince my friends and therapists I’m “fine” in a matter of minutes
Being able to cry without anyone noticing
Being able to change to subject so **** easily
Pain
Anxiety
And being able to recite every little ******* thing people have been trying to drill in my head my whole ******* life without a second thought

I forgive others so easily
My abusers
Forgiven
My bullies
I don’t blame them at all
My demons
It’s not their fault I’m suicidal
The people who have left me
I would leave myself too if I could

But when it comes to forgiving myself
I just can’t


Why is that?