I think the reason
I search so hard for love
Is because I know I will never
Find some inside of me

Just for once, just one time
I want to be someone’s first choice

Nothing in my brain
Just an empty head
Nothing in my heart
Just a hollow chest
Nothing in my eyes
Just a blank mess
Nothing is there
But stress

I feel so
A imless
L ost
O bscured
N eglected
E xhausted

“Living is a privilege”
Then please like you take all my other privileges away take this one away too

Some people count calories
Or sodium and sugars
But I have nothing to count
Because I just
Don’t eat

I try to scream for help
But I can’t
It feels like claws are running up and down my throat
Suffocating me making me unable to even let out a sob
So I just sit there in silence
Not being able to breathe
Not moving a muscle

Whenever I look in the mirror
The only thing I see
Is the monster that I am

They say that staying quiet isn’t the answer
But I’m not looking for an answer

The paintings in the night sky
The depth of the oceans blue
Couldn’t even begin
To compare to my rue
Of her crying eyes

The yellow queen
Died within the stars
While her only love
Was buried below
The ground of Mars

The pain rings
In me head
As you string
Me along
To bed

I’m tired of feeling like my mind is an inescapable prison

Her lips like candy
Her eyes like the sea
And the way
Her cheeks turned rosy
When she looked at me

I may not have been able to pick my blood family
But my chosen family
Is the most important thing to me in this world

I can’t bring myself to eat right now
Probably cause I know if I eat
nothing good will happen
I’ll still get heavier
I’ll still be insecure
I’ll still throw it up
So I’m just not going to eat
Because no positives will come out of it

I’m trying to get away from them
My demons
My monsters
My insecurities
But no matter how much I run away
Or try to leave them behind
They find me
They always find me

I like the term warrior
Rather than survivor
Because I don’t feel like
That I was ever a victim
And survivor makes it
Sound like I was weak
At one point

My mom always tells me that being positivity is a choice
But it’s not like I get up in the morning and want to hate myself
No one wants to wake up and immediately think of death
No one wants to go through the day with barely enough motivation to stand
No one wants to get home from school and cry for hours
It’s not like I want to be up all night having flashbacks and anxiety attacks
But guess what mom?
That just how my life is!
And there’s nothing you can do to help me
I’m a lost cause
So just let me give up
Please
Just please

Their heartbeat
Against mine
In time
I hope I find
That this is where I’m meant to be
With them against me

I heard our song on the radio today
I remembered how you used to sing it
With no rhythm and zero accuracy
And how I said I didn’t want to join you
But in actuality I wanted to every time
I still do
I still want to join you