The pain rings
In me head
As you string
Me along
To bed

Their heartbeat
Against mine
In time
I hope I find
That this is where I’m meant to be
With them against me

Nothing in my brain
Just an empty head
Nothing in my heart
Just a hollow chest
Nothing in my eyes
Just a blank mess
Nothing is there
But stress

I heard our song on the radio today
I remembered how you used to sing it
With no rhythm and zero accuracy
And how I said I didn’t want to join you
But in actuality I wanted to every time
I still do
I still want to join you

Whenever I look in the mirror
The only thing I see
Is the monster that I am

The paintings in the night sky
The depth of the oceans blue
Couldn’t even begin
To compare to my rue
Of her crying eyes

Her lips like candy
Her eyes like the sea
And the way
Her cheeks turned rosy
When she looked at me

The yellow queen
Died within the stars
While her only love
Was buried below
The ground of Mars

two fallen birds
both broken in hearts and wings
brought together by a twist of fate
and with hope and grace
learned to fly once again

Everyone has flaws
It’s the people who admit to those flaws
That I truly admire

Dandelions upon your head in the shape of a crown with rose petals to match
The smell of strawberries and sweet citrus rolling through the grass
The taste of sour lemons going all the way through my mouth and down to my throat
Your smile as inviting and friendly as the summer breeze
A light sun shower prickling the top of my slightly warmed skin
Giggling quietly until we can’t contain our joy any longer
Feeling like I belong more than I ever have before

You know that the world seems so nice and the people seem to treat you so well and they all want to be your friend
That is until you let a little bit of your crazy show then they tell you how much of a freak you are and how your better off dead or how you don’t matter and that your worthless and stupid
Then when you end up trying to **** yourself or they accidentally see the bandages on your wrists or they by chance notice that your wearing a hoodie in a hundred degree heat
They do one of two options
1 they try to be your friend out of pity or
2 they throw you to the ground and bust your lip open then tell you ten times more often that your a freak and a thousand times more often that that overdose you tried last summer or those times you ran away from home and was so ******* to close to either walking into traffic or jumping of a cliff should’ve worked
To be honest where I come from it’s usually the latter

And quite frankly the more times they tell me all of this it makes it feel worse than death and it gets me thinking that those suicide attempts should’ve worked too

My mom always tells me that being positivity is a choice
But it’s not like I get up in the morning and want to hate myself
No one wants to wake up and immediately think of death
No one wants to go through the day with barely enough motivation to stand
No one wants to get home from school and cry for hours
It’s not like I want to be up all night having flashbacks and anxiety attacks
But guess what mom?
That just how my life is!
And there’s nothing you can do to help me
I’m a lost cause
So just let me give up
Please
Just please

“Living is a privilege”
Then please like you take all my other privileges away take this one away too

I know I’ll never be good enough
But that doesn’t mean you have to point it out to me everyday

I can’t bring myself to eat right now
Probably cause I know if I eat
nothing good will happen
I’ll still get heavier
I’ll still be insecure
I’ll still throw it up
So I’m just not going to eat
Because no positives will come out of it

Some people count calories
Or sodium and sugars
But I have nothing to count
Because I just
Don’t eat

I may not have been able to pick my blood family
But my chosen family
Is the most important thing to me in this world

I like the term warrior
Rather than survivor
Because I don’t feel like
That I was ever a victim
And survivor makes it
Sound like I was weak
At one point

just because i’m broken
does not
mean i’m weak
so don’t treat me
like i’m a victim

I feel like there’s a big dark red balloon welling up inside my chest
My blood is pumping in the wrong places
Fluids going into places where it hurts and stings like bees repeatedly stabbing me
I get sick to my stomach and throw up not even forcefully there’s just so much pressure on my organs that it feels like they’re being crushed
My throat getting tight and my tongue not being able to fit in my mouth
Pains in my rib cage that feel like they’re stabbing my lungs and it won’t stop
Being sweaty but shaking from being cold even though it’s 100 degrees outside
Feeling so tired that my vision gets blurry
It comes on so quick but too slow at the same time
It hurts so much
Yet if I complained I’d be told to **** it up and move on with my day
even though when my mom has an episode she gets help and has time to feel better
But I don’t get the same

I’m tired of feeling like my mind is an inescapable prison

I want for someone to hold me and love me
And I want to be able to feel safe in their arms

I ask myself everyday



Why am I so ****** up?



I still don’t have a valid answer

i don’t even know why I try to be fine anymore
who am I even trying to please?
I’ve already hit rock bottom
I’ve lost everyone
I’ve given up on everything
There’s no point in trying to be okay anymore

Being alive
Being happy
Being confident
Is something that I thought I could achieve at one point
Now I realize that was a stupid thought

They’re important
They can change someone
For better or for worse
So if they’re so special
Why don’t I have any?

I feel so
A imless
L ost
O bscured
N eglected
E xhausted