It is now 3:38 in the morning.
I should be sleeping but instead
Find myself traversing
The recesses of old notebooks
Trying to remember the me
Who filled them.
The dreamer that I was feels
Long gone sometimes.
The love I believed in washed away
With the seasons.
The imagined field that I would
Someday run through
Like a finish line seems lost.
Sometimes I can't remember
Why I started writing.
But here I am at the cusp
Of a new beginning,
Finding new reasons to hope
That tomorrow when I flip
Through these pages I will
Remember the me that wrote them.

I keep trying to
express my thoughts on paper,
but all I'm finding is your name
at the bottom of every page.

I am ******.
Beyond comparison because this,
was never my intention.

If I imagined seeing
your smile in the sunrise,
or your eyes and every shade of blue,
I never would have opened my mouth.

Optimism means looking at the dark
And seeing a brighter side.
Looking for a better outcome
From the waste that has been my life.

When I woke up that day
And told myself that I had
Had enough of the dark,
That I would venture into
The light with dignity.
I did so under false pretense.

Much like I do with everything.
I thought that I could shed this outer layer
Of filth and decay and become new.
But that is not the nature of dark things.
All I did was burn every *******
Bridge I had ever built.

But hey, it gets better right?

It's been a year since it happened.
When it did, I told myself
that every action I made from then on
would be for the better.
But clearly hindsight is 20/20.
I keep letting your horrible decisions
control my life, and even though
the pain is gone,
You still manage to ruin my life.
One of these days though...

I promised myself
That after the last girl
I would not fall in love again.
I never wanted to see her
Face in my favorite things
And breathe them in
Everyday.

I didnt want to feel
Thunder in my soul
When she smiles
At my rambling nature.

I didnt want to see you
-wait I mean her-
Liven the room
With only a laugh.

I didn't want to smell you
- Her. ******* it -
On my pillow cases
When you leave.

You.

I keep saying it
Because I am endlessly
And hopelessly in
Love with you.

So tonight when you sleep
Know that you are
Loved deeply.

My first words to you
Were about a card game:
I called you a loser.
Had I known you would
Become more than family
To me, I would have worded
Things differently.

You came into my life
Right after the exodus of
Masquerade excuses
I considered friends.
When I felt like nobody
Could ever fulfill that bond.

But you opened me up to
New ways of thinking and
Guided me along my journey.
You shaped me into the person
I am today.

I can never repay that kindness
But hopefully after another
Ten years I can figure it out.
You taught me that soul mates
Could be my brother.

And I know that when I go dark.
Or stray from my path;
You'll always be there where the roads
Rejoin.
I couldn't thank you enough for that.

Broken statues.
Crumbling remnants of past lives.
The bodies of the fallen,
With pain behind their eyes.

False facades.
The plaster over skin,
Humanity tries to cover up
and hide from the hurt within.

Beautiful masonry.
The statues we create,
around the world, around ourselves
desperate to escape our fate.

Simply breathless.
Stone and plaster strangle,
Fighting to break the bonds
Against the devils angle.

Listless sleep.
Death has surely come,
Reaping forgotten souls
Humanity falters, until his deed is done.

The value of a rope
Can be measured in memories.

The tire swing, hung from an
Unmoving oak tree.

The ripchord from your
First parachuting experience.

The rope bound around your
Lovers hands on your wedding day.

Or the one around your neck
As you take your final breath.

I never said all memories
Would be good.

I have said it before.
Walking through my mind is deadly;
With an ever widening
Crevice that describes my
Pshycological state better now
Than it would have the last time.

The burden I carry pulling me
Closer to an ending to a book
I had no hand in writing.
It's as if the pages guiding me
Were written with only a sense
Of self hatred.

The world is dark sometimes.
And there are more than a few battle scars
Across my face, they are there
For a purpose.
A reminder that I made it
When I didn't think I wanted to.

You ignite something in me-
Like a car bomb-
The message is clear:
The battle is over.
It's time to lick my wounds
And carry on.

I only hope that you see what
I go through to be the light
You see in me.
I hope you understand that I won't
Always be the light
You need me to be.

But regardless of what
The future holds.
You need to know that I will always
Carry on.
Even when the road widens
Past it's breaking point-

And my psyche feels like
An expanse that even I couldn't travel
You will be beside me.
Which is the first bit of comfort
I have found in another human
In a long time.

The principle that
Everything has a cause -

If I have a purpose:
A cause worth believing
In every day when I wake
I haven't discovered it yet.

Many times in my life
I have questioned
If my existence is
Worth its weight
In gold.

Most often, the answer
I come to is no;
But that might be the self loathing
Part of my soul
Reminding me to keep
My feet on the ground.

I think about all the words
Left unspoken at dinner parties.
Or the birthdays I
Intentionally avoided
So that I didnt have to
Half smile at loved ones.

I think about my tongue
Tied end over end,
Instead of standing my ground.
I think of all the nieces and nephews
Who would remember me only
In pictures.

Other times however,
I think about what
It means when I take my
Thoughts and put them on paper;
Either as a poem or
A suicide note.

There are choices to be made
At every turn,
I could choose to end
This existence
But I wont.

When you think of weddings
You should smile
Because its the pairing
Of two souls destined for each other.

When you think of the ceremony
You imagine her smiling as
She walks toward her lover
Ready to start a new life.

But her lips were tight today.
She walked like a toy soldier
On the front lines of a losing war
She knew was pointless.

Her usual smile that starts
From the outside in was a taught line.
Her eyes were pale grey
Instead of the usual shade of Atlantic.

There are no smiles here.
This isnt a happy ending
Where we get what we want
But a horror story.

I can't help but
hit the bottle tonight,
And think of a love
I let slip through my fingers.

With every drink
I wander further and further
Down the rabbit hole.
Till I'm gone.

The demons whisper to me:
Telling me how much
I don't deserve her
And that I'll never be happy.

I feel like the white rabbit.
Running too fast
To realize what
I've given up.

Now I'm sitting
Gazing at the red queens court
And watching some prince
Take my lovers hand.

The one I love is dancing
Across my eyelids.
Red satin flowing like
Rivers of my blood.

But she isn't dancing with me..

I can recall many moments
In life where point B
Was so far from the beginning
That it felt like whiplash.

Because a moment in your eyes
Is the guard rail
Holding me from the edge
But I crave the momentum
From the other side like an addiction.

Because over there
I can play your body like a bass drum.
I can play ecstacy
On your heartstrings if we only
Crashed tonight.

Darling I promise if you let
Your darkness out for only a second
It would meet me at the guardrail
For a moment in paradise.

I would sink my teeth into your soul
And tear your insecurities loose.
I would show you the dangers
In asking for this depravity.

Nothing good will come of this.
Yet you will never feel satisfaction
Like that again without me.

I never talk much about
The good things from my
Childhood. Not because
They never existed,
But because the bad
Just outweighed it.
I remember the trips
Home when we would
Stop at that roadside diner
Somewhere in Indiana.
Not that it was important for any
Reason other than their pancakes.
I remember having to share
With my siblings because
You only ever kept 50 dollars
On you for emergencies.
That memory stays with me
Because it's the only time
I remember you smiling.

Oh baby,
Bring on that fire
I see in your eyes
When you talk about
Your passions.

Let me feel the thunder
In your chest with my
Fingertips.

Quake under the weight
Of my presence.

Darling,
When I press my lips
To your shoulders,
Its like shattering glass
On my nerve endings.

Its like symmetry;
When our bodies are
Playing bass drums
And creating a tune
For eternity.

Because when Im with you,
Time is only the
Instance in which
We forget ourselves.

Sweetheart,
You leave something
Unobtainable inside of me
When you go home
For the night.

I have never longed
For contact before.
For the embrace of anything
But exsistence.
But *******.

When you bring the fire,
There is nothing that
Quite sums up how desolate
I am when you're gone.

I count the miles
Between us like seconds.
Because every minute away
From you feels like
Days passing by
In a haze.
And though I never meant
To love you
I count it as a blessing.

The idea that love exists
For people like me
Is down right unfortunate.
I'm sorry. I won't try again.

Today
I
Feel
Like
I'm
Falling
Into
An
Empty
Bottomless
Pit.

The thrill of free fall
Into the cavernous expanse
Of inner thoughts
Could only be met by
The shock of rock bottom.

I see the cracks in
your porcelain skin.
You're frail figure
Swaying under the weight
Of things.

I remember when
We were younger
And the only worry we had
Was our curfews.
What happened?

Sadness should not equal
Blood.
Or loss of life,
Because the gravity in that
Is enough to **** us both.

Consider me your sentinel.
Silently watching and loving
From a distance in order to keep you
Safe.

Always remember my love,
I'm always here
When you need me.

We would stay up for hours
Fingers and lips intertwined,
Dancing to our own rythym.

Talking of church bells and diamonds
Like the one on your finger.

White dresses and vows
In front of family and friends.
Promising eternity to one another.
Forever.

Forever sure is ******* short.

I have had to learn
A few lessons to get here.
Suffered beyond my means
At the hands of people
Who never deserved to hold
My light in their hands.

And in the aftermath when
My Dark comes knocking,
I try to remember that
Greener grass is just ahead.

Had I known that greener
Meant the color of your eyes
When you smiled,
I would have run barefoot
Over broken glass to get here quicker.

Not that I know where here is,
Or if this is the final destination;
But you pick the words
From the tip of my tongue
And make them sound like music.

You are a warrior.
I saw it in the way you sized me up
While we talked away sunsets.
You wear your battle scars like
The beautiful banners they are.

Darling,
You leave me star eyed.

Every facet of your personality
A gentle reminder that
I am not alone.
That the Dark isn't a deity
Capable of swallowing me whole.
But something I can over come
With your words.

The grass looks greener
Where we are headed.
Even if we wander through a mine field
And end up walking away
Missing pieces ourselves
In each other,

I won't give up till we can touch
Every single blade of grass
With the tips of our toes
As we dance to each others war songs.

These are the eyes
Of a hollow man;
They hold no luster
No precious stone.

Whatever soul they lead to,
Has gone away
With no hint
Of return.

Those eyes were
That of a child
Who couldn't wait
To grow up.

It is remembering
The love with alterior
Motives that changed
My perspective.

It is the loud moments
Of my parents
Replacing any good
In their souls

Hell is not a place
I go to when I die
But a way of life
I did not choose.

It is in her smile
From a thousand miles
Between us.

It is in the darkness
In my own head
That I will never
Escape.

I have come to know hell
In many ways,
It is a part of my past.

So I will bear it
Like a scar
Until I no longer
Feel the weight.

"Why are you like this?"

I remember the exact moment
I cut our fate string and stepped
Off the path.
I remember the talk on the bridge,
Feet from where our future
Almost ended and lied to you.

I wanted to take on all the hatred
I could. I wanted the world to hate
Us the way I did
As a form of punishment.
Because what had we ever done
With my life to deserve any of them.

I put out the light all on my own.
We have no one to blame but ourselves
For this non-existence.

"If you could go back, would you do it again?"

If time travel were possible,
I would go back and push you
Off that bridge just so that I never hurt
The people who make all of this suffering
Worthwhile.

"If all this suffering was worthwhile, then why push everyone who has ever loved you past arms length? Why the hell would you choose this type of suffering over the love that could have been? What kind of person does that?"

Sometimes you have to become a villain. The light we carried was almost out
And I acted in what I thoughts our best interest.
Had I known that at the end of the day
It would be just us watching the ruins
Of our world smolder in the wake
Of my mistakes,
I would have chose differently.

When asked of my worth,
My general response was usually
Something along the lines
Of a used napkin.

I was never taught the value
Of a human life, so you can
See why my opinion of myself
Is low regard.

When I looked in the mirror,
I didn't see someone worthy
To share the sidewalk with my friends
When we walked to the store.

I didn't see that under the
Broken surface was a beautiful
Ruin waiting to be discovered
And restored to its former glory.

I didn't watch my laugh
Echo across rooms so loud
That others had to turn and
See who was deafening the audience.

I didn't see that my thoughts
On paper in the form
Of written word were
Making a difference.

I didn't know that I was making a difference.

You left.
That should
have been expected
Because who has
Ever stayed for me.

I know that I
Can be difficult,
I wont use my bruises
As an excuse for myself
Because I have none.

But forgetting
Your name
Wont be easy.
It is on the lips
Of all my lovers,
It is the pressure
That makes diamonds,
It is the tectonic plates
Against my temples
Like a hangover.

You are in everything
That I am.
I hate that I cannot
Hate you.

Time will weather
Me away until
I am no longer rigid
At the mention of your name.

And I will forgive myself
For pushing you away.

I hope that wherever you are,
You are reading this and remembering
How it felt to be beside me.

Because I can barely remeber
The way your skin tensed under
My fingers. Or how when
The breeze from the open window
Blew through your hair
The aroma of your shampoo
Filled the room.

I dont remember what it was like
To wake up to your voice.
You know, the one I compared
To all the beautiful things
Ive ever known?
I cant remember what it felt like
To hear you tell me you loved
Me for the first time
At that show.

Its been a long time since you
Graced me
With a phone call.
But honestly I cant remember
What I would say if you did.

I have always considered
Myelf a dead thing.
Or at least in some form,
Close to my expiration.

I don't feel this way to be
Edgy or draw attentions
To my sufferings,
I just feel it.

I feel a lot of things though,
Kind of like the washing
Machines in laundry mats:
Stagnant and worn but with purpose;

Used soley to cleanse other
People of their miseries
And add another layer of
Decay in my basin.

But meeting you was like,
The mechanic coming right before
The final stretch, before all
Of my insides finally gave out.

Mending the wires and veins
So frayed from use with only
Your softness, your fingers
Caressing away years of age

To see fresh metal underneath.
You cleaned the cogs and bones
Of their filth and reminded me
That I am not broken.

And though I could think
Of nothing better to equate
The effect you have on me
To anything other than a

Broken washing machine,
Know that you played a part
In keeping me going for
A little while longer.

I try to live my life
Like a eulogy.
Every action I make
A part of a well-oiled machine.

My words the cogs
Slowly turning over
Your tongue like a symphony
Of memories stained into
Your frontal lobe.

Because on the bad days,
Knowing that I mattered
To you makes it harder
To sink any deeper

And if one day,
I unzip my veins in the bathtub
Or fly from the ceiling
And explode into chaos
On the concrete,
Know that you mattered.

I count every step between
My past and the present.
Wondering if the road less travelled
Can finally bring me rest.

Rest--

If you could even
Call it that.
My tossing and turning
Borderline convulsions.

Bad decisions cant
Close the distance

So I dont turn to the bottle
In fears that Ill drown
In a silver *** sea

I guess it all comes down to
Sink or swim?
Can I hold myself a float
For another hundred steps?

If looks could ****,
I would have buried a hatchet
In your neck, and watched
As the life left your
Cold eyes, and your wretched
Heart stopped beating
And your abusive grasp went limp
And you crumpled
To the floor as lifeless
As you left me.

I think it was the way
Your hair fell across my lap
As you slept.

Or maybe it was the way
I watched your eyes light the room
As you looked for me.

Or it could have been the smile
On your face the first time
I awkwardly kissed you.

Maybe it's the way your
Hands trace love notes into
My arm when you want my attention.

Whatever the moment,
I knew you were the one
From the beginning of it.

And even though I know
The exact moment that I had to
Choose you,

Every moment since has been
A subtle reminder
That it was a risk worth taking.

Our moment passed with the season.
With fall, came the cold distance
We feared would engulf
The ideas we had built together.

You were my life post nuclear.
That tongue bite smile that you
Only ever shared when
The sun came up is a distant memory.

After my recent brush with death
In the form of a tall blonde
Who instantly made me regret
Building a home in another,

I thought the ground work
We laid would have been solid
Enough to weather any storm
Life could throw at us.

But you can never prepare for the storm
That bellows in your soul.
Because when that one finally starts
It doesn't matter the ground work
If the walls aren't sturdy enough.

I loved you as I had only ever loved her.
More so in fact because
When I was with you
I smiled.

More importantly I meant it.

And should the day come where
You feel as though the walls
Can be reinforced against the future.
You know where to find me.

Another drag on a cigarette --
Thats what days are to me.
Just another moment closer
To expiration.

I could hit the bottle,
But i know all too well
How hard the bottle
Hits back.

I am waiting
For my life to come into focus
But all it ever seems
Is ******* distorted.

Why am I alone
When everyone I love
Is here?
They are present

But i am an outsider.
I am standing on the side lines
While everyone else
Lives their lives.

I am a prisoner
To my own design.

At some point
I decided to unpack
That last box.
The one I told myself
To open only
When I found a place
To call home.

And I think that
It should have remained
Unopened because
Nowhere will ever really
Be my home.
This place was a saftey net
From my darkness.
But I guess Ill pack that box back up.

My distrust for others
was a learned trait.
I wish that it was easier for me
to accept the fact
that people will always surprise you;
even if the gift they give you is loneliness.
It's my own fault though.
I am constantly calculating
how each decision I make
will ripple in the lives of others.
Often I find myself alone
amidst my own thoughts and quiet reflections
in the dark.
The world is full of risk takers.
People willing to put their all
into the idea that happiness
exists in all of us.
Well, not in me.
I perceive the world in rainbows of grey.
I see the lines as a muddled mess,
reminiscent of a tangled ball of string.
If only I knew which thread would untangle
the frayed misery in my head.
But most days that task seems useless.

I remember going
To church on Sundays
With a hole in my stomach
Where god should be.