I have unfortunately been broken,
Though I am certain that
has been an over played card;
It still happened.
Over and over again.

Love became a myth.
Family became war.
Friends broke my heart,
and even though the fire
in my heart almost went out:
It didn't.

That was two years ago,
when I was only an after image
of life experience that belonged
to everyone but me.
So I decided to live.

Maybe not the right way at first.
Maybe the fear and loathing in my own heart
led me away from everything that ever mattered
so that I could remember why they mattered
in the first place.

I remember walking across
the bridge with my best friend.
Sending cryptic messages
that change was coming.
I don't think he understood what I meant
that cool evening.

I started my journey into myself alone.
Many times down the path I thought I wouldn't make it.
But at the end of everything, I have come to understand
Myself and my existence. I even made friends.
Though the journey is far from over,
The miles ahead will be on new soles.
Maybe even a new soul.

Because it's only after you lose everything
that you begin to appreciate what is given.
This is progress.

Today
I
Feel
Like
I'm
Falling
Into
An
Empty
Bottomless
Pit.

The thrill of free fall
Into the cavernous expanse
Of inner thoughts
Could only be met by
The shock of rock bottom.

Tonight was a farewell.
And it breaks my heart
To feel this way,
But you proved to me
That our bond was broken.
Maybe one day we will
Talk about it and laugh.
But I really don't think so.

"Why are you like this?"

I remember the exact moment
I cut our fate string and stepped
Off the path.
I remember the talk on the bridge,
Feet from where our future
Almost ended and lied to you.

I wanted to take on all the hatred
I could. I wanted the world to hate
Us the way I did
As a form of punishment.
Because what had we ever done
With my life to deserve any of them.

I put out the light all on my own.
We have no one to blame but ourselves
For this non-existence.

"If you could go back, would you do it again?"

If time travel were possible,
I would go back and push you
Off that bridge just so that I never hurt
The people who make all of this suffering
Worthwhile.

"If all this suffering was worthwhile, then why push everyone who has ever loved you past arms length? Why the hell would you choose this type of suffering over the love that could have been? What kind of person does that?"

Sometimes you have to become a villain. The light we carried was almost out
And I acted in what I thoughts our best interest.
Had I known that at the end of the day
It would be just us watching the ruins
Of our world smolder in the wake
Of my mistakes,
I would have chose differently.

Hopefully this spark isn't so easily extinguished.

It is now 3:38 in the morning.
I should be sleeping but instead
Find myself traversing
The recesses of old notebooks
Trying to remember the me
Who filled them.
The dreamer that I was feels
Long gone sometimes.
The love I believed in washed away
With the seasons.
The imagined field that I would
Someday run through
Like a finish line seems lost.
Sometimes I can't remember
Why I started writing.
But here I am at the cusp
Of a new beginning,
Finding new reasons to hope
That tomorrow when I flip
Through these pages I will
Remember the me that wrote them.

My name is Nathan.
I have never aspired for much,
Only that my existence have an impact
On those who chose the burden
Of my friendship.

I'm only kidding though,
I act as though only darkness
Remains inside me but in actuality:
I have just been cultivating
A brighter light.

My path turned to gravel
For a while there,
By rocky, I really mean
The jagged, fractured stone
Gave way to open space-

- But it looks like I caught myself
Just in time.
I am reminded in this moment,
With the slow beating of my heart
That I exist on my own.

The recognition doesn't matter
Because one day you'll all see.
The warrior time has made me.
One day I'll help to change things
For all of us.

My name will one day be a symbol
Of strength.
Because the true measure isn't
About what you can lift.
But the weight that you can carry.

2016 sure turned a lot of us into warriors didn't it?

I finally got to see your smile again.
It was worn, and obviously tired,
with a little bit of lie touching the corners.
But it was there.
You asked me how I was doing,
"Fine, Better even" escaped before
I could tell you how I really felt.
This is really hard,
pretending like you aren't
the first and last thing I think about
before I close my eyes.
God woman, you **** me off sometimes.
AllI wanted to do was
close the distance and take you in my arms.
Even if it was the last time,
I wanted to feel the thunder in my chest
when I kissed you.
But all I said was, "Fine."
As time goes on, maybe things will change.
I hope you wander back onto my path
and we can look back at this
like a history book.
But for now I will continue on my own.

I can't pretend like I don't miss you.
Not really.

It's been a year since it happened.
When it did, I told myself
that every action I made from then on
would be for the better.
But clearly hindsight is 20/20.
I keep letting your horrible decisions
control my life, and even though
the pain is gone,
You still manage to ruin my life.
One of these days though...

My distrust for others
was a learned trait.
I wish that it was easier for me
to accept the fact
that people will always surprise you;
even if the gift they give you is loneliness.
It's my own fault though.
I am constantly calculating
how each decision I make
will ripple in the lives of others.
Often I find myself alone
amidst my own thoughts and quiet reflections
in the dark.
The world is full of risk takers.
People willing to put their all
into the idea that happiness
exists in all of us.
Well, not in me.
I perceive the world in rainbows of grey.
I see the lines as a muddled mess,
reminiscent of a tangled ball of string.
If only I knew which thread would untangle
the frayed misery in my head.
But most days that task seems useless.

Our moment passed with the season.
With fall, came the cold distance
We feared would engulf
The ideas we had built together.

You were my life post nuclear.
That tongue bite smile that you
Only ever shared when
The sun came up is a distant memory.

After my recent brush with death
In the form of a tall blonde
Who instantly made me regret
Building a home in another,

I thought the ground work
We laid would have been solid
Enough to weather any storm
Life could throw at us.

But you can never prepare for the storm
That bellows in your soul.
Because when that one finally starts
It doesn't matter the ground work
If the walls aren't sturdy enough.

I loved you as I had only ever loved her.
More so in fact because
When I was with you
I smiled.

More importantly I meant it.

And should the day come where
You feel as though the walls
Can be reinforced against the future.
You know where to find me.

My light came so close to being extinguished
That I didn't remember what
It looked like.
Some mornings it seems like a distant reminder
That the world has always and will
Forever be dark.

When I met you,
For the first time in forever,
I burned bright enough to let it all go.
Now everyday in your presence
Is like bathing in the Sun's rays
and you remind me to live.
Even when the darkness is touching
The deepest recess in me,
You become a lantern home.

I'm sorry that I get this way,
I know you feel it too and all I want to do
is give back some of the light
You give so selflessly.

Never in a million years
would I have considered someone like you
could love me.
And before you say it,
I know what you think and I just need to remind you
that we are all capable of dark deeds,
and nothing can ever change my perspective of you.

Love of mine, you are just that:
the embodiment of the love this dark world
doesnt deserve.
Whatever the case may be,
If the dark swallows both of us,
my light for you
will burn well past the candle wax and butane
into the oncoming night.
So hold fast.
We have both seen the other side
of the tunnel.

It gets better.

I think it was the way
Your hair fell across my lap
As you slept.

Or maybe it was the way
I watched your eyes light the room
As you looked for me.

Or it could have been the smile
On your face the first time
I awkwardly kissed you.

Maybe it's the way your
Hands trace love notes into
My arm when you want my attention.

Whatever the moment,
I knew you were the one
From the beginning of it.

And even though I know
The exact moment that I had to
Choose you,

Every moment since has been
A subtle reminder
That it was a risk worth taking.

I have said it before.
Walking through my mind is deadly;
With an ever widening
Crevice that describes my
Pshycological state better now
Than it would have the last time.

The burden I carry pulling me
Closer to an ending to a book
I had no hand in writing.
It's as if the pages guiding me
Were written with only a sense
Of self hatred.

The world is dark sometimes.
And there are more than a few battle scars
Across my face, they are there
For a purpose.
A reminder that I made it
When I didn't think I wanted to.

You ignite something in me-
Like a car bomb-
The message is clear:
The battle is over.
It's time to lick my wounds
And carry on.

I only hope that you see what
I go through to be the light
You see in me.
I hope you understand that I won't
Always be the light
You need me to be.

But regardless of what
The future holds.
You need to know that I will always
Carry on.
Even when the road widens
Past it's breaking point-

And my psyche feels like
An expanse that even I couldn't travel
You will be beside me.
Which is the first bit of comfort
I have found in another human
In a long time.

I have had to learn
A few lessons to get here.
Suffered beyond my means
At the hands of people
Who never deserved to hold
My light in their hands.

And in the aftermath when
My Dark comes knocking,
I try to remember that
Greener grass is just ahead.

Had I known that greener
Meant the color of your eyes
When you smiled,
I would have run barefoot
Over broken glass to get here quicker.

Not that I know where here is,
Or if this is the final destination;
But you pick the words
From the tip of my tongue
And make them sound like music.

You are a warrior.
I saw it in the way you sized me up
While we talked away sunsets.
You wear your battle scars like
The beautiful banners they are.

Darling,
You leave me star eyed.

Every facet of your personality
A gentle reminder that
I am not alone.
That the Dark isn't a deity
Capable of swallowing me whole.
But something I can over come
With your words.

The grass looks greener
Where we are headed.
Even if we wander through a mine field
And end up walking away
Missing pieces ourselves
In each other,

I won't give up till we can touch
Every single blade of grass
With the tips of our toes
As we dance to each others war songs.

You are still the epitome of dark.
I know that I have watched you
Change into at least the image
Of your formal self.

What you fail to realize however,
Is that growth doesn't always mean good.
Thistles for instance just grow more jagged.

I don't mean to chastise you.
Your efforts are not in vain.
I see you piecing your shattered
Psyche back together.

I still sleep with one eye open
Waiting for the door to swing.
Abuse is not a short term problem.
And I bare the scars to prove it.

It's been a long time
Since we talked.
And even though I am certain
This will never fall upon
Your porcelain ears,
I need to say this anyway.

I have never loved anyone
The way my heart burst
From my chest at only
The mention of your name.
And sometimes I feel like
There isn't another name
I could love.

You knew the battlefield
I was raised on.
You saw first hand the
Wasteland and chose to love me
When I couldn't even love myself.

The nights when the darkness
Swelled inside me and I shattered
Like glass against pavement.
You held me tight and made
Me feel like I could lay roots
In your arms.

Had I realized sooner that you
Were a porcelain painted hatchet
With only the intention of tearing MY
Roots from MY sanity,
I could have grown harder bark.

You decided to chase another
Man's affection while still holding
So tightly to mine.
I wish you could have been honest
And let me free the right way.

You made me into a villain instead.
A nuclear wasteland of your bad
Decisions and scorned my name
In your history books as 'a toxic tragedy'

I no longer ache
When your name comes up
In conversation.
I even talk to your best friends
Regularly.

This will be the last time I write to you.
And I hope from the bottom of my heart
That you find whatever you need
To be happy.

I only wish you would have known
My heart well enough to know that
I would have let you go if you only asked.

It's really hard to talk to you.
Like eggshell shaped razor blades
Against the bare soles of my shoes
Which are only worn from
Chasing your attention.

Sometimes,
When you least expect
The universe to show you
Any kindness-

Something wonderful comes along
Like fireworks, or your food
Tasting exactly like what's in front of you.
Instead of potatoes.

And I know you understand
The reference because everyone
Has those days where the dark
Only seems short of
Unbearable.

But today is the first day
That the sun didn't blister when
I walked in its presence.

Today is the first day
I didn't wake up tired
Of breathing to the rhythm
Of depressions broken drum.

The music of a new start
Is the only thing beating
Against my ear drums
As the light passes my surface.

I know that nothing in life is forever.
And like the earth on its axis,
The darkness will return.
But until then - I will live
And revel in the sun.

The idea that love exists
For people like me
Is down right unfortunate.
I'm sorry. I won't try again.

I am not cut from the same branch
But from a different tree entirely.

My tree is brittle and covered
With the tracks of termites
And dry rot.

I will never be able to hold up the collective or even your branch
Laying gently across mine.

I do not care that this is how we grew.
Naturally or by universal truth,
It does not matter.

I'm only here because I am.

My first words to you
Were about a card game:
I called you a loser.
Had I known you would
Become more than family
To me, I would have worded
Things differently.

You came into my life
Right after the exodus of
Masquerade excuses
I considered friends.
When I felt like nobody
Could ever fulfill that bond.

But you opened me up to
New ways of thinking and
Guided me along my journey.
You shaped me into the person
I am today.

I can never repay that kindness
But hopefully after another
Ten years I can figure it out.
You taught me that soul mates
Could be my brother.

And I know that when I go dark.
Or stray from my path;
You'll always be there where the roads
Rejoin.
I couldn't thank you enough for that.

This is the darkness
I have preached that no one
Wants to see.
This almost mirror image of
Myself scratching away at you.

I find myself wondering if
My warnings fell on deaf ears
When I spoke. Or did you even listen?
Well, you asked for it.

Bear witness because
Nothing anyone will ever do
Will make me happy.

Your name will be
An incurable stain on my soul
Forever.

Regardless of the strides
I take to move past it.
You always happened.

I will never escape you.
One day I will accept that.

Optimism means looking at the dark
And seeing a brighter side.
Looking for a better outcome
From the waste that has been my life.

When I woke up that day
And told myself that I had
Had enough of the dark,
That I would venture into
The light with dignity.
I did so under false pretense.

Much like I do with everything.
I thought that I could shed this outer layer
Of filth and decay and become new.
But that is not the nature of dark things.
All I did was burn every *******
Bridge I had ever built.

But hey, it gets better right?

I have always considered
Myelf a dead thing.
Or at least in some form,
Close to my expiration.

I don't feel this way to be
Edgy or draw attentions
To my sufferings,
I just feel it.

I feel a lot of things though,
Kind of like the washing
Machines in laundry mats:
Stagnant and worn but with purpose;

Used soley to cleanse other
People of their miseries
And add another layer of
Decay in my basin.

But meeting you was like,
The mechanic coming right before
The final stretch, before all
Of my insides finally gave out.

Mending the wires and veins
So frayed from use with only
Your softness, your fingers
Caressing away years of age

To see fresh metal underneath.
You cleaned the cogs and bones
Of their filth and reminded me
That I am not broken.

And though I could think
Of nothing better to equate
The effect you have on me
To anything other than a

Broken washing machine,
Know that you played a part
In keeping me going for
A little while longer.

Usually, waking up is
Like trying to crawl through
Razor wire while every
Bone in your body is screaming
At you to take a breather,
Because no matter what you do,
You will not be on time,
Ready to survive another day-
In five minutes.

I'm not sure if you understand
What it is like to have every
Single neuron in your brain
Speaking so loud you would think
You were at a show standing
In front of the speakers.

Living with depression and anxiety
Is difficult, my lack of motivation
Is only ******* by my fear
Of letting you down.
I am sorry that I can't
Show up smiling
Every morning.

I'm tired.

I do not like walls,
Too constricting.
I find myself scratching
At the raised corners
Of the wallpaper
Looking for a single crack
I can escape from.

I do however,
Love windows.

I am the literal definition
Of a complete and total disatser.
I stop breathing when
My books are out of place
On the shelves, or if I
Describe the wrong green
In a story.

I like to imagine the world
As a board game. Each decision
Leading me a space closer to when
My soul can rest and the past
No longer echoes in my ears.

Sometimes I trip over
Words and fall on my own
Tongue when I try to express
Myself as if I were the corner
Of the carpet in a dark room.

Other times Im manic.
And I will laugh like I belong
In an asylum because the words
On my heart will be too hard
To encompass with just a few sentences.

You my dear;
You bring all the chaos
In my head to a standstill.
You bear witness to the dark
And offer whatever light
You can to see a smile pressed into
My lips.

My mind never stops.
Always tossing me with the tide
Hoping somewhere I will
Find a direction worth following
All the way to the
End game.
Maybe I have finally figured out
How to get there.

When asked of my worth,
My general response was usually
Something along the lines
Of a used napkin.

I was never taught the value
Of a human life, so you can
See why my opinion of myself
Is low regard.

When I looked in the mirror,
I didn't see someone worthy
To share the sidewalk with my friends
When we walked to the store.

I didn't see that under the
Broken surface was a beautiful
Ruin waiting to be discovered
And restored to its former glory.

I didn't watch my laugh
Echo across rooms so loud
That others had to turn and
See who was deafening the audience.

I didn't see that my thoughts
On paper in the form
Of written word were
Making a difference.

I didn't know that I was making a difference.

I keep trying to
express my thoughts on paper,
but all I'm finding is your name
at the bottom of every page.

I am ******.
Beyond comparison because this,
was never my intention.

If I imagined seeing
your smile in the sunrise,
or your eyes and every shade of blue,
I never would have opened my mouth.

I can recall many moments
In life where point B
Was so far from the beginning
That it felt like whiplash.

Because a moment in your eyes
Is the guard rail
Holding me from the edge
But I crave the momentum
From the other side like an addiction.

Because over there
I can play your body like a bass drum.
I can play ecstacy
On your heartstrings if we only
Crashed tonight.

Darling I promise if you let
Your darkness out for only a second
It would meet me at the guardrail
For a moment in paradise.

I would sink my teeth into your soul
And tear your insecurities loose.
I would show you the dangers
In asking for this depravity.

Nothing good will come of this.
Yet you will never feel satisfaction
Like that again without me.

I never talk much about
The good things from my
Childhood. Not because
They never existed,
But because the bad
Just outweighed it.
I remember the trips
Home when we would
Stop at that roadside diner
Somewhere in Indiana.
Not that it was important for any
Reason other than their pancakes.
I remember having to share
With my siblings because
You only ever kept 50 dollars
On you for emergencies.
That memory stays with me
Because it's the only time
I remember you smiling.

The first thing I say to a woman
Is I love you. Not because I mean
It in the literal sense,
But because from that moment on
Its the stupidest thing
She will ever witness me do.

I have to be vigilant,
Never letting my darkness
Shine through so I don't appear
Broken. That I might be worth
A moment in her presence
If I am whole.

But Im not.
I brandish my darkness like a trophy.
Because wether or not I like it,
Is apart of me that will always
Be my defining feature.

Considsering I also
Look for love on tinder,
I wouldn't take my words
For more than face value.

"Your writing makes me want to die"
If you weren't aware,
-Mainly because it is impossible
For matter to occupy the same space-
You would understand the
Intention.

My writing is a port city.
A place where I come to trade
All the god ****** darkness
I struggle with into something
Beautiful.

I wont apologize for the words
I speak painting a grim picture
Your glassy eyes don't want to see.