I am the running child.
Running. Always running far from love,
Far from emotion or attachment
Running till I could self-destruct.

Until I met you.

I never considered meeting you would save my soul.
That one moment with you could make me so euphoric,
That not even hell on earth could drag me down.

And believe me, I have come to know hell.
I stare at the devil in every empty bottle,
and at the end of every cigarette.

Its almost surrealism: Like a dream left unfulfilled for years,
Finally shown with focus and careful attention.
Like the aging of time pieces left in the sand
I patiently stare past the brass and tarnish
And see you as you really are.

All those years ago, I fell.
I defied my own heart that told me not to love -- and I did.
But fear got the better at the end and I lived up to my title of running child.
Always running from safety and stability
Into the cold abyss, leaving you stranded in my wake.

But you still waited.
Until I ran back to you.

And who could have guessed that you would bring rest
To my porcelain heart and calloused soles
Though sometimes I want to run;
Your love seems to do wonders, like an anchor.
Making me realize I should have come home to you
Long before now.

I finally got to see your smile again.
It was worn, and obviously tired,
with a little bit of lie touching the corners.
But it was there.
You asked me how I was doing,
"Fine, Better even" escaped before
I could tell you how I really felt.
This is really hard,
pretending like you aren't
the first and last thing I think about
before I close my eyes.
God woman, you **** me off sometimes.
AllI wanted to do was
close the distance and take you in my arms.
Even if it was the last time,
I wanted to feel the thunder in my chest
when I kissed you.
But all I said was, "Fine."
As time goes on, maybe things will change.
I hope you wander back onto my path
and we can look back at this
like a history book.
But for now I will continue on my own.

Are we really held accountable
For the sins or our fathers?

Can I, after all these years
Accept that I am only a face
In his mirror?

Fifteen years pass by
Like autumn winds without a word.
Not a single 'Hello' or 'I love you'
Escaping your lips.

For fifteen years
You were the monster under my bed.
Waiting to drag me into your hell,
Torture me as you did so viciously
To my mother.

After fifteen years..
I meet you at deaths door.
Withered and broken
For never saying those cherished words.

To learn that you changed
After my departure
Devastated me.

A love lost over fifteen years,
Is as much my sin, as my fathers.

I look at the four walls
That surround me.
Day in and day out.
They are all the same
Shade of tin.
Kind of like a box,
Where you buried your
Dreams for the future
And told yourself you
Would dig it up
Ten years later and see
How close you are.
The big difference between
That box and the one I currently
Reside in however, is the window.
A metaphorical one to be clear;
In that box buried in the ages
Was a window to a world
Where I meant something.
To myself mostly.
The important thing to take away
From this is that of all the dreams
You will ever have will never
Amount to anything
If you never step out of the box.

My light came so close to being extinguished
That I didn't remember what
It looked like.
Some mornings it seems like a distant reminder
That the world has always and will
Forever be dark.

When I met you,
For the first time in forever,
I burned bright enough to let it all go.
Now everyday in your presence
Is like bathing in the Sun's rays
and you remind me to live.
Even when the darkness is touching
The deepest recess in me,
You become a lantern home.

I'm sorry that I get this way,
I know you feel it too and all I want to do
is give back some of the light
You give so selflessly.

Never in a million years
would I have considered someone like you
could love me.
And before you say it,
I know what you think and I just need to remind you
that we are all capable of dark deeds,
and nothing can ever change my perspective of you.

Love of mine, you are just that:
the embodiment of the love this dark world
doesnt deserve.
Whatever the case may be,
If the dark swallows both of us,
my light for you
will burn well past the candle wax and butane
into the oncoming night.
So hold fast.
We have both seen the other side
of the tunnel.

It gets better.

I have unfortunately been broken,
Though I am certain that
has been an over played card;
It still happened.
Over and over again.

Love became a myth.
Family became war.
Friends broke my heart,
and even though the fire
in my heart almost went out:
It didn't.

That was two years ago,
when I was only an after image
of life experience that belonged
to everyone but me.
So I decided to live.

Maybe not the right way at first.
Maybe the fear and loathing in my own heart
led me away from everything that ever mattered
so that I could remember why they mattered
in the first place.

I remember walking across
the bridge with my best friend.
Sending cryptic messages
that change was coming.
I don't think he understood what I meant
that cool evening.

I started my journey into myself alone.
Many times down the path I thought I wouldn't make it.
But at the end of everything, I have come to understand
Myself and my existence. I even made friends.
Though the journey is far from over,
The miles ahead will be on new soles.
Maybe even a new soul.

Because it's only after you lose everything
that you begin to appreciate what is given.
This is progress.

Sometimes,
When you least expect
The universe to show you
Any kindness-

Something wonderful comes along
Like fireworks, or your food
Tasting exactly like what's in front of you.
Instead of potatoes.

And I know you understand
The reference because everyone
Has those days where the dark
Only seems short of
Unbearable.

But today is the first day
That the sun didn't blister when
I walked in its presence.

Today is the first day
I didn't wake up tired
Of breathing to the rhythm
Of depressions broken drum.

The music of a new start
Is the only thing beating
Against my ear drums
As the light passes my surface.

I know that nothing in life is forever.
And like the earth on its axis,
The darkness will return.
But until then - I will live
And revel in the sun.

Your name will be
An incurable stain on my soul
Forever.

Regardless of the strides
I take to move past it.
You always happened.

I will never escape you.
One day I will accept that.

If I could apologize
For seeing the sunlight
In your eyes
I would.

Walking through my own mind is deadly
like accidentally ingesting cyanide
in the preachers kool aid.

Or maybe its just the tiger from my past,
still stalking the recesses of thought
and presents itself only in times
of my own weakness.

I **** the day I fell for your stripes
and became ensnared in your claws
raking at the depths of my souls and despair.

Its been over a year and the flesh still stings,
no matter how hard I try
to run and outlive the past
the mauling I received will never heal.

My name is Nathan.
I have never aspired for much,
Only that my existence have an impact
On those who chose the burden
Of my friendship.

I'm only kidding though,
I act as though only darkness
Remains inside me but in actuality:
I have just been cultivating
A brighter light.

My path turned to gravel
For a while there,
By rocky, I really mean
The jagged, fractured stone
Gave way to open space-

- But it looks like I caught myself
Just in time.
I am reminded in this moment,
With the slow beating of my heart
That I exist on my own.

The recognition doesn't matter
Because one day you'll all see.
The warrior time has made me.
One day I'll help to change things
For all of us.

My name will one day be a symbol
Of strength.
Because the true measure isn't
About what you can lift.
But the weight that you can carry.

I am the literal definition
Of a complete and total disatser.
I stop breathing when
My books are out of place
On the shelves, or if I
Describe the wrong green
In a story.

I like to imagine the world
As a board game. Each decision
Leading me a space closer to when
My soul can rest and the past
No longer echoes in my ears.

Sometimes I trip over
Words and fall on my own
Tongue when I try to express
Myself as if I were the corner
Of the carpet in a dark room.

Other times Im manic.
And I will laugh like I belong
In an asylum because the words
On my heart will be too hard
To encompass with just a few sentences.

You my dear;
You bring all the chaos
In my head to a standstill.
You bear witness to the dark
And offer whatever light
You can to see a smile pressed into
My lips.

My mind never stops.
Always tossing me with the tide
Hoping somewhere I will
Find a direction worth following
All the way to the
End game.
Maybe I have finally figured out
How to get there.

It's been a long time
Since we talked.
And even though I am certain
This will never fall upon
Your porcelain ears,
I need to say this anyway.

I have never loved anyone
The way my heart burst
From my chest at only
The mention of your name.
And sometimes I feel like
There isn't another name
I could love.

You knew the battlefield
I was raised on.
You saw first hand the
Wasteland and chose to love me
When I couldn't even love myself.

The nights when the darkness
Swelled inside me and I shattered
Like glass against pavement.
You held me tight and made
Me feel like I could lay roots
In your arms.

Had I realized sooner that you
Were a porcelain painted hatchet
With only the intention of tearing MY
Roots from MY sanity,
I could have grown harder bark.

You decided to chase another
Man's affection while still holding
So tightly to mine.
I wish you could have been honest
And let me free the right way.

You made me into a villain instead.
A nuclear wasteland of your bad
Decisions and scorned my name
In your history books as 'a toxic tragedy'

I no longer ache
When your name comes up
In conversation.
I even talk to your best friends
Regularly.

This will be the last time I write to you.
And I hope from the bottom of my heart
That you find whatever you need
To be happy.

I only wish you would have known
My heart well enough to know that
I would have let you go if you only asked.

Roses defend themselves
With razor tipped thorns.
Keeping anyone who wishes
To hold them close at bay.
What a perfect metaphor.
I thought maybe I could handle
A little blood if it meant I could
Keep this beauty for myself.
But maybe I shouldn't
Have dived head first into the bush.
Roses are meant to be
Cherished at a distance.
I only wish I had
This epiphany sooner.

I saw my tiger tonight.
Talk about a worst case
Scenario..

Her stripes will always
Hold a special place
In my heart,

But the power is gone.
She can no longer
Rake at me

From the shadows
Thanks to you.

You are still the epitome of dark.
I know that I have watched you
Change into at least the image
Of your formal self.

What you fail to realize however,
Is that growth doesn't always mean good.
Thistles for instance just grow more jagged.

I don't mean to chastise you.
Your efforts are not in vain.
I see you piecing your shattered
Psyche back together.

I still sleep with one eye open
Waiting for the door to swing.
Abuse is not a short term problem.
And I bare the scars to prove it.

I do not like walls,
Too constricting.
I find myself scratching
At the raised corners
Of the wallpaper
Looking for a single crack
I can escape from.

I do however,
Love windows.

Hopefully this spark isn't so easily extinguished.

Who knew lines across
Your skin could render me
So useless

My hands now bear
Your blood
And that will never wash away

I didnt know my words
Would be razors that
Sliced into your soul

Now however
Ill take that razor
To myself

And cut those words
From exsistence
Before I hurt anyone else

2016 sure turned a lot of us into warriors didn't it?

I can't pretend like I don't miss you.
Not really.

Tonight was a farewell.
And it breaks my heart
To feel this way,
But you proved to me
That our bond was broken.
Maybe one day we will
Talk about it and laugh.
But I really don't think so.

I am not cut from the same branch
But from a different tree entirely.

My tree is brittle and covered
With the tracks of termites
And dry rot.

I will never be able to hold up the collective or even your branch
Laying gently across mine.

I do not care that this is how we grew.
Naturally or by universal truth,
It does not matter.

I'm only here because I am.

This is the darkness
I have preached that no one
Wants to see.
This almost mirror image of
Myself scratching away at you.

I find myself wondering if
My warnings fell on deaf ears
When I spoke. Or did you even listen?
Well, you asked for it.

Bear witness because
Nothing anyone will ever do
Will make me happy.

I forgot what it
Could be like
To just lay next to
Someone and smile.

Or that the presence
Of another person
Wasn't always
A razor's edge;

But something comfortable
You can look forward to.

Usually, waking up is
Like trying to crawl through
Razor wire while every
Bone in your body is screaming
At you to take a breather,
Because no matter what you do,
You will not be on time,
Ready to survive another day-
In five minutes.

I'm not sure if you understand
What it is like to have every
Single neuron in your brain
Speaking so loud you would think
You were at a show standing
In front of the speakers.

Living with depression and anxiety
Is difficult, my lack of motivation
Is only ******* by my fear
Of letting you down.
I am sorry that I can't
Show up smiling
Every morning.

I'm tired.

The first thing I say to a woman
Is I love you. Not because I mean
It in the literal sense,
But because from that moment on
Its the stupidest thing
She will ever witness me do.

I have to be vigilant,
Never letting my darkness
Shine through so I don't appear
Broken. That I might be worth
A moment in her presence
If I am whole.

But Im not.
I brandish my darkness like a trophy.
Because wether or not I like it,
Is apart of me that will always
Be my defining feature.

Considsering I also
Look for love on tinder,
I wouldn't take my words
For more than face value.

This is not necessarily
A poem as much as it is
A love letter.
I cannot find the words
To express it.
The idea of you as
An individual piece
Of the puzzle,
And only miniscule
In the grand scheme of things
Seems unrealistic,
Because you came into
My life and became
The whole picture.

Darling,
Our story starts out rocky
Like the shore of the lake
I spent summers as a child,
-Which, I do promise to
Take you one day for the record-
And we may be hundreds of miles
Apart for the time being,
But you will always find home
By my side.

I think of all the horrible things
We went through
To get to this place
In our lives.
The death, the aches,
All the grandiose
Suffering we have endured
That led us to this moment.

When I find you again,
Know that I will cherish
Every second in agony
At the thought of it passing.
I will smile through every
Tear you may shed
Or every argument when
I leave the lights on
And our electric bill
Sky rockets.

I swear that when I finally
Have you in my arms,
It will be the last time either
Of us feel alone ever again.

I warned you when we met
That I was dangerous
And you shrugged it off
As macabre humor.
But you see now what I meant right?
When I said dangerous,
What I really meant
Is that I would love you
In ways you did not think
Possible.

I am forever yours
And I mean that
In the most literal of senses.

"Your writing makes me want to die"
If you weren't aware,
-Mainly because it is impossible
For matter to occupy the same space-
You would understand the
Intention.

My writing is a port city.
A place where I come to trade
All the god ****** darkness
I struggle with into something
Beautiful.

I wont apologize for the words
I speak painting a grim picture
Your glassy eyes don't want to see.

It's really hard to talk to you.
Like eggshell shaped razor blades
Against the bare soles of my shoes
Which are only worn from
Chasing your attention.