This ones about the other men
I’m reserved but I still look at them
With intrigue about who they are
And I wonder if I would have enjoyed them
Or if I would have tried to see more
If I was without my gentleman
I used to search for someone
Now I look inwards and find life easier
As I don’t have that emptiness about
Being by myself and holding my own
Attractive people stand around
But none are as spectacular as my man

You’ve got me good I'll admit
You’ve got me thinking that
With your superb intentions
And your feelings directing me
Taking my soul this way and that way
You’ve got me always walking past
Those unlucky drains and pavement cracks
You've got me thinking it's all planned out
You’ve got me aligning my universe
Each time I mind my steps carefully
My boyfriend notices and joins in too
All this time you got me thinking I own you
Superstition you’ve got a hold on me
You got me trained to look for the number 3
In everything I see and do do do
There's no harm in touching things equally
Superstition you've been moulding me
But I don't believe I deserve misery
After experiencing happiness anymore
I won't disown you completely
But I'll be walking under the next ladder I see

He said as we were lying in bed
Don't think you are alone
You're never alone with me
And we were saying goodbye
Not forever but in some way
He's not mine and I'm not his
But he said to me you are never
Alone with me so I lay in my bed
And I thought of his words
You are never alone with me
He's not mine any longer
He's not mine no more
I let him go and I went my way
But he's still with me
Like he said he would be
I'm not alone no longer
I don't feel alone no more
He's not either he's got me

Does it make you feel good?
Does your soul have a secret velvet lining
And your head hold an invisible crown?
Do you feel precious? Irreplaceable?
Do you dream of who you are and aspire for more?
Do you feel like growing? Do you feel proud?
Does it make you question?
Does it make you feel like the world is on your side?
Hand in hand with humanity?
Does it make you feel like a space of complete euphoria
Without a face without a body or a style or a shape
Or a mind or a thought but a soul on fire
Flying free above the fields of gold?
You are a higher being deserving of peace

My grace and childhood joy
She holds the crown of memory
Without realising she creates
The greatness that lives within
A whirlwind of hidden honesty
We are yet to differentiate from another
Or watch our paths go the opposite way
She stands on one side I stand on the other
We always stand together

Makes you not
Wanna stop

Find what makes
You feel the need
To escape and fill
The well with hope

Because addiction
Makes you not
Wanna stop

It was like a dream
They came to my door
To welcome me out
With thoughtful questions
And a sense of unity
At first I wondered
Why are they being so nice
I had no time to question
My day at work went okay
I've not been doing much
Yes I am close to my dad
I met with my manager
Yesterday to talk about
My body and my mind
I didn't expect to see them
Again for a long time
After I had read my poem
Out so nervously the night
Before I had wanted to hide
They came into my bedroom
And we went for waffles
Then next thing we are
On the train to York and
Stood on the castle walls
It was too special to explain
They cheered me up again
Even if with everyone else
I had clocked out

I want to be more like you
You hold the power like I do
But you are strong and consistent
Well sometimes you act different
But you understand the parts
That aren't perfect all the time
So you don't get disappointed
And you put health before love
And then wealth even if I put
Love and then health and wealth
What I'm trying to say is you
Respect me any time even if
Sometimes I don't act the same
And for that I really appreciate you

How often do you love them
Do you stare until they notice
He makes me want to remember
To fill the kettle for when I wake
So I can pour myself tea quicker
He makes me feel like celebrating
All those things I've overcome and
Go over how proud I have become
He makes me imagine all there is
How often do you meet someone
With such soft beautiful skin
And eyes that look like worlds
And hair that hugs your hand
He makes me want to feel like
Home because he makes sense
And for how often he loves me

Undercover and in pain
Let my secrets out again
I know when to rest my mind
My one man band conclusion
Is always that Gloria is saying
I will survive this round
Yet my heroic strides
Only wake to meet me
When I am alone
The quiet truth is
My strength evaporates
Around the space
That is around you
It's the in between bits
That just won't do
You step carefully up to my door
And arrive with the flowers
Your smile brightens the room
You make me feel like an heirloom
Discovered treasure in the ocean
Or a loved national anthem
Just when I feel the right balance
You step playfully off the see-saw
You walk back out into the world
With your smile as your crutch
I look at you one last time
And I feel I am a forgotten stone
I feel more alone than when you were
Never coming back
There's always going to be time
For separation
But when you go I go too
Mentally
I want to be the paths you walk upon
I long to be your uber driver
Even for the briefest encounter
I would love to be a street onlooker
Admiring your face from a distance
I long to be everyone you are yet to meet
The person who sells you lunch
The people who complain at work
I'm jealous of the silly jokes
I'm a bit reluctant to admit
I want to be able to say goodbye
And still hold delight in my day
But my time without you
Feels like life is going back to school
Like I feel when I am to read a book
Like the time used to practice the piano
To prepare for the next big event
But without cheers, big crowds
Or admiring eyes around
The undercover pain
That I am speaking of
Is not written about enough
That my strength as I know it
Vanishes when I know
I am only intermittently
Going to be without you

I haven't forgotten his name
Or the way his eyes look
But I've forgotten his sense
Of humour and the way he laughs
And his face when he sleeps
I'm not even sure if he weeps
I don't know his walk well
I've forgotten his natural smell
Maybe I just don't know what he
Brings apart from when he's
Gone and I notice that absence
I desire and long for in conversation
I know he makes me laugh
But I don't know why or when
Or if I've even really met him
I like how he is and how he looks
My way and how he turns me on
But it doesn't last long or
Make much sense if I can't
Properly remember his presence
He's like a film star I don't know
That you might imagine you know
I've fallen I retreat I am heading
Back to that time I didn't know
His kiss so I can try to forget
That time that stays in my mind
That time he disappeared without
Saying a word no reason has been
Given so I'm not prepared
To let go get hurt and let it be forgiven

Why do people criticise the television?
The television is on again
Why don't you go outside
And see the world instead
There's nothing in there
Are the same voices
That wish to see the
Amazon rainforest
And the deep blue sea -
Documentaries are on at 3

When you're blue you can feel a rock
And imagine a mountain
Watch a bruise form
And envision death
But if you hold the blue inside you
And turn it into every colour you have ever seen
You will see more than the depth of pain
There are doorways your mind has not yet reached
And ideas you have not yet thought
Take your eyes and see the light
Because tonight is a spec
In the deep blue sea

He said what do you think
It means to have ***?
Doesn’t matter what I said
He pulled my neck hard
Doesn’t matter what I did
He brought me tea in bed
Doesn’t matter what I thought
I was myself

Who's it for? This life?
Is it for me or for you?
I look back and see all the characters
I played for you
And I wonder what I would think
If I was you
Standing and looking back at me

We wrote our own
And signed them quickly
You couldn't have
Stopped me
Mine went to live
In one of his DVD cases
As if in his possession
It was safe forever
I thought that pen
Was my friend
Doing me a favour
That paper, that human
Long lost, long gone
His soul now lives
Beneath the boxes
Never spoken of
It wasn't dark at the time
We were children in love

Not got there yet
Not over that hill
Or through that tunnel
Haven't made it
The pain is always
Around to appear
Spontaneously
Maybe a little
Maybe a lot
It arrives to greet me
Without any invitation
Just when I think
I've gained control
And I say I'm fine now
Good night world
My body hurts again
I don't know why
The doctors don't know
No one does yet
So I lay and rest
And thank my blessings
Until it goes away

You're taught to ****
I'm taught to try not to
So when we met
Under the covers
Last night
You tried to ****
And I tried to not
You don't try that hard
To take me out
To wine and dine me
Or to figure me out
You've got a black
Heart baby
Pull out a key
Take the line
Feel my body
I'm just here for the ride
The poetry
Why you tryna
Waste my time
And forget my mind
It's more precious
Than what you're offering
My body's a temple
I don't know you well
But I went along
For the high
For the ride
Pull out the key
You don't know me
Try to take me
Try try try
Why why why

I’ve been a yes woman
A sad woman
A hopeful, naïve & reckless woman
A hard-working woman
A silly, giggly, late, clumsy woman
A here for one night only woman
A stupid, stubborn, weak woman
An affectionate, elegant, sophisticated woman
I’ve been a drug taking dancing queen
A drunken fool, heartbroken and screaming
I’ve been a silent soul on a route to nowhere woman
I’ve been a woman on the run
I’ve been a forever moving power woman
I’ve been a friendly and loving woman
I’ve been a bookshop and museum type woman
I’ve been a hello poetry woman
A depressed, lifeless, tainted woman
And a smiley, angelic, beautiful woman
I’ve been an adventure thrill seeker woman
A I’ll laugh at anything woman
And a miserable, grumpy, ungrateful woman
I’ve been a mad woman
But I’ve never been a man
I’ve only been a woman

I said what are you doing
It is your vessel to control
What passes through
This body of yours
I said who are you being
Why are so you angry
Why is your heart not happy
Why is your mind racing
I said what is wrong now
When will these moments end
Why does it build up and explode
When will I learn to be
To remember how to relax
At the most crucial times
I said why are you not relaxed
Why are you like this
I walked away with the tornado
Above creating imaginary
Chaos and rubble behind me
Words lingering on the objects
That peacefully surrounded
Memories created cannot be reversed

I found out I am in control
And I saw the light that
I deserve to be happy
And that I don’t deserve
To suffer uncontrollably
I used to hide behind my door
So this miracle is a quiet one
The best ones always are

I told you I will write about this
How we made peace by the river
We sat there and I was talking away
My thoughts to you out loud
I didn’t need a pen or paper
They were racing from the ground
Through me out into the open air
For the trees and your ears only
It felt like pure contentment
The talking led to the truth that I now
Don’t expect anything from you
And I said that’s what I used to do
Then I felt a sudden sense of relief
That I no longer ask from you for
What I need from myself in this life
But consequently as I no longer expect you
Nor do I dream of you or give myself hope
Like I so badly used to repeatedly do
When you arrive after being gone
There’s no suspense or conviction
Afterwards I laughed and said
I don’t know if I’ll see you again
But beneath the humour by the river
In my heart it didn't sound
Like a fun romantic comedy
More like a treacherous melody
With no real substance that sadly
I don't think I want to play

I'd take you by the hand
And bite my lip
If it ever came to it
I'd listen to you and
Remind the world
Of your grace
For you created
My better half
My slightly amazing
Very annoying
Favourite person
I ever knew

I wish I saved them all
I wish I could read them now
And laugh at the angle of my falling
And how I saw the next branch
Before I crashed into it and
The gradual development of each bruise
And how I just lay there and didn’t want
To move as I finally hit the floor and
I knew I knew deep down that the bottom
Was not as glorious as the fall
I wish I could redo it all and
Prolong it to avoid this part where I am sad

To you, guess what? Tomorrow is my party!
It's all happening here! My anniversary falls too!
It's all going on, I can tell you! I get my certificate
And all my other flight tickets will come too!
Oh, tomorrow, what I have to say about you!
But don’t worry, you aren’t missing too much.

Hate the sin but love the sinner
You don’t need to hate the whole person
But you can disagree with the action
Don’t blame and shame people inform and explain
Forgive them for they know not what they do
We reach people when we talk to them with understanding
Talk to them in the way you wish someone spoke to you
Before you knew what you now do
If a kind way resonates with you then spread that
The best way is to come from a peaceful place
Those who have the privilege to know have the duty to act
One person does make a difference and
Together we are changing the world

Today has come just like I said
In my previous letter it would
But unfortunately there was
A change of plans, no events
Or flights or celebratory dance
Mr narcissist paid a visit instead
He felt my thoughts and appeared
He said I'm going to delicately
Inject pieces of guilt into your skin
For trying to find happiness
Within your life without me
My birthday is worth more
Than your so called mental state
So you should have messaged
Even though we don't talk anymore
No hold on he didn't say that really
Well kind of but not exactly
He did send a wave of hate
Criticism and lack of self worth
All over my precious mind
I mean he didn't openly confess
He had planned to shatter me
To panic and to write about this
With desperate hopes of not
Losing my mind but after 10
Years as best friend and lovers
In the depths of my mind it's clear
He knows that his message is his reply
And the vicious intent and power
To hurt me is still alive inside it

You have clung to me
And I am in paradise

I said you are lovely
You replied you are more
I think the reason I love you so
Is because of who you are
And how you feel so much emotion
But you don't bare all
I respect your quiet heart
And love you for who you are
I truly think you are lovely
Because you really are

Why don't people like
To talk about the pain
I'm all ears to the truth
Pain doesn't mean
Life is deliberately cruel
Pain isn't here for the devil
It doesn't hide from a god
Pain just exists so why don't we
Acknowledge it a bit
It's always the troubled ones
That speak the truth
They know how to live with it

I laughed at the memory of Mitch saying
Well I think everyone around this circle
Has had a cup of tea made by him
Even if sometimes very questionable looking
I felt happy to be there remembering him
With those people, with those friends
With the memories he gave
He used to play songs even if they skipped
And he would ask me are you okay?
And I would say yes thank you Winston
He had just got some new red boots
I remember him meeting the priest
And asking him do you like my new boots
I will miss him and never forget to remember
Life takes you, it takes you by surprise, it takes you
I woke up today thinking we would be sat in church
Instead I watched the balloons fly away
In loving memory of a great man

The man of my sunset sky's
We're all humans in disguise
I fall, I fly, I fail, I feel, I watch him
I watch him in the light
I feel him in the dark
There is no stardust in his hands
There is no magic within his eyes
There is a human stood before me
Tears down his cheeks and a fear
In his heart I felt scared and he did too
We're all humans in camouflage
No act, no play, no camera and action
Just the sound of him snoring
The way he drinks his tea
That is what stays with me
The human inside him is also inside me

Never as hot as summer
Never too cold to hide
Never waiting for winter
Never wanting to say
Goodbye

Don’t do it if you feel alone
Or is that when you should
Take the leap because well
What have you really got to lose?
If it goes you never had it in the first place
I heard you only lose what you cling to
So, tell me, what are you afraid of?
I don’t mean something that you
Feel distant from like death or war
Or some form of illness in the future
I mean right now in this very moment
I want to know about you, yes you
And I want you to know about me too
What makes you feel scared and nervous
What if you get caught out for that secret
That nobody even knows about?
I want to know what you worry about
Would you like to take a leap with me?

There is no right way
No do that or don't do that
Just make sure you eat
And get some rest
And speak what needs to be
Said if it's help you're after
Look after yourself
Until you're better

I want to write about you but
I don’t want you to know
How you inspire me
To run and walk in the rain
And do what I want to do
I don’t know how you do it
You make me want to
Live freely and cross the park
And avoid the path I’d usually stick to
You make me want to be an adventure

An old friend might not be wiser
They might not be brand new
But they are useful to you
And you can sit in silence
And they won't question your worth
Because they love you anyway
Whether you carry dirt or gold
An old friend will bring you back home
Down to the earth you grew up on
And they won't mind where you went
They just want to see you happy
They feel what mind you live and feel
And wish for you to see your light
How they do through their eyes
Because it's true that an old friend
Makes the world a better place for you

So I guess I'm attracted
To people like you
And the way you grabbed me
And pulled me in
You kissed me in bed
With the confidence
Of a boyfriend
In a three year relationship
Yet there was no sincerity
To your energy
And whatever I do next
It won't heal your inability
To respect me
You don't know I get anxiety
Because of people like you
So you barge in and break down
My walls without any thought
Of the consequence
And of course it comes down to you
Not knowing me
So why do you care
I want a man that makes me
Glad to be a woman not one
That makes me wish
I was born a man
You might hold me right
But you let my mind fall
With no consideration at all
I cannot offer you friendship
Not for what I'd lose to keep you

Between the legs of someone new
Beneath the secrets covered in blue
With every smile I give the world
Unknown to others and to you

Shouldn't it mean when you stay forever
For company in the dark
Even with how unwanted you may feel
Wandering around for attention
For acknowledgement somehow
Seeking some kind of approval
And chasing redemption
It is to be transparent and reflective
While spending decades regretting
Unsure of your purpose or meaning
No feeling of peace or control
But facing the truth despite it all
Lingering with unresolved memories
Wishing the time away like a guilty prisoner
Wanting to go back to good old yesterday
To not make the same mistakes
Surely punishing and repetitive
He is loving me like a ghost
From Christmas past
Showing me how good life can be
Instead of leaving me behind
Without saying a word
Nothing worth having comes easy
A ghost is just a human being
What is there left to be scared of
I hope he never stops haunting me

There’s a type of kiss in them all
When your head rests tired upon a pillow
When you depart from a friend
When you greet them again
The drunken fool that finds itself somewhere new
The overrated kind of many red carpet couples
The heat shared with water shared with sun
The unwelcome display like eyes in a mirror
The empty cold interaction of strangers lips meeting
The unfold of emotion like the opening of an envelope
The electric feeling with barely any movement
And the way I wish to kiss you
That requires no description

My men are my women
My women are my men
The more I think about
There is no difference
Between how I feel them

And when I think of you
I think of you again
And more thoughts of you appear
And then I think of you
My mind wonders
About you

It's between us
But from both sides
We have different
Human minds
I don't know
What it's like to be you
I can't imagine
I long to know
Without the barrier
How would I love you

How can
I
Redeem
Myself
When
I
Can't see
What
I've
Done
If not
Everything
Wrong

The church bells stay silent
The walls nearest to them sit still
As if waiting for something to move them
And the people in the world
Carry on moving like the ants that they are
When lovers meet
The beauty of the moment is that no one knows
That there marks a shift in their lives
That will change the course of their thoughts
And their outlook on the world forever
Never to be altered back to how it once was
And never to be explained to the naked eye
Of the walls, the people and the world outside them

I kissed his lips a thousand times
With minor uncertainty
Until the last kiss I knew
Above hell I flew
Past my faults and angels too
Into the arms of mysterious eyes
How could it be
My heart said it knew
Wrong again the church bells sang from a distance
Even they heard my cries

It is not my heart
That is broken in two
It is my mind

Twas free and unhindered
The kind where you'd say
Just a Lou Reed day

I’d tell her girl,
That man don’t love you
Like a 90's song
I’d say nah
He gon be elsewhere
I’d say he cares yeah
But he ain’t no forever
Man, child he got other plans
So get your mind
And go do it all
Whether or not
He be by your side
I’d say let him fly
And love him from afar
But don’t go questioning
Why you’re here
Because girl,
You’re a woman now