In the heat of the moment
I hear the sun, my mother, say
Listen to your instinct
And it makes me wilt
The thought of solitude
How I flow with the wind
And where I choose to lay
Are all my responsibility
I dream of a field full of rich stimulation
The heartache we feel helps us
To ultimately find what we need
A message to all the flowers out there
"You belong to yourself my dear,
Not someone else's greed."

Do you think you are strong?
Do you think you are brave?
Do you think you could be loved again?

It’s like an addiction see
So I’m counting the days
My world completely changed
I have survived a whole week
My past self would be proud
That I don’t have hate in my heart
My greatest accomplishment to date
Forgiveness

Shouldn't it mean when you stay forever
For company in the dark
Even with how unwanted you may feel
Wandering around for attention
For acknowledgement somehow
Seeking some kind of approval
And chasing redemption
It is to be transparent and reflective
While spending decades regretting
Unsure of your purpose or meaning
No feeling of peace or control
But facing the truth despite it all
Lingering with unresolved memories
Wishing the time away like a guilty prisoner
Wanting to go back to good old yesterday
To not make the same mistakes
Surely punishing and repetitive
He is loving me like a ghost
From Christmas past
Showing me how good life can be
Instead of leaving me behind
Without saying a word
Nothing worth having comes easy
A ghost is just a human being
What is there left to be scared of
I hope he never stops haunting me

And suddenly it came to me
How desperately would I miss me
If I was no longer myself

It's between us
But from both sides
We have different
Human minds
I don't know
What it's like to be you
I can't imagine
I long to know
Without the barrier
How would I love you

I miss smoking
Almost in the same way
I miss Amy sing
And Mac Miller
Light up a room
Where did they go
Deep detachment
Of songs unwritten
Powerful lyrics
Being sober
I'm hearing them
Different
I value life more
Ignorance to pain
Is ignorance to peace
You can't take one
Without the other
Everything is alarming
And loud
But I am surviving
Using my third eye
As my guide
Naive enough to think
It's all coming together

Accept yourself
And all that you are
I just met a doctor
He came with a cure
It was simply to
'Accept who you are'

Undercover and in pain
Let my secrets out again
I know when to rest my mind
My one man band conclusion
Is always that Gloria is saying
I will survive this round
Yet my heroic strides
Only wake to meet me
When I am alone
The quiet truth is
My strength evaporates
Around the space
That is around you
It's the in between bits
That just won't do
You step carefully up to my door
And arrive with the flowers
Your smile brightens the room
You make me feel like an heirloom
Discovered treasure in the ocean
Or a loved national anthem
Just when I feel the right balance
You step playfully off the see-saw
You walk back out into the world
With your smile as your crutch
I look at you one last time
And I feel I am a forgotten stone
I feel more alone than when you were
Never coming back
There's always going to be time
For separation
But when you go I go too
Mentally
I want to be the paths you walk upon
I long to be your uber driver
Even for the briefest encounter
I would love to be a street onlooker
Admiring your face from a distance
I long to be everyone you are yet to meet
The person who sells you lunch
The people who complain at work
I'm jealous of the silly jokes
I'm a bit reluctant to admit
I want to be able to say goodbye
And still hold delight in my day
But my time without you
Feels like life is going back to school
Like I feel when I am to read a book
Like the time used to practice the piano
To prepare for the next big event
But without cheers, big crowds
Or admiring eyes around
The undercover pain
That I am speaking of
Is not written about enough
That my strength as I know it
Vanishes when I know
I am only intermittently
Going to be without you

We're all a jump away from suicide
He told me his truth
Led him to try to take himself
No you can't go back in time
Don't take yourself for granted
The rain forest is burning
Hearts are breaking
We are all recognisable beneath it all
Our ability to share is always there
You just don't know
What's behind someone's eyes
To see each other's pain
Is to open up about your own
We're all a compassionate mind
Away from being saved
And an effort of kindness
Is never a waste of time

It's not in my heart
Or my mind
It's beyond my lungs
My veins & my flaws
It's beyond it all
The pain is deep inside
As if my body leads
To the entrance of another world
And it hurts because it's never
Been discovered
It's shiny and new
Full of nature and bloom
My pain lives alone
Beyond my ability to explain

Don't look at him like he is thunder
Like he has struck you with lightening
And your heart is ablaze in flames
Don't look at him like he is
The sun, the moon and the stars
Pretend you are an actor
Pretend you are the sea
Look at him like he is a buoy
And maybe then you'll both float

Quite possibly more than ever
With the way I lay aimlessly
And how I can potter
Without anyone commenting
On my moves or lack of
Or my hair or face or body
I'm in love with the freedom
Of my day and night
Can you tell where I am?
I'm taking a masterclass
It's called 'The art of privacy'

Life is vast and full of mystery
The hands, the empty stands
With crowds yet to arrive
The feet, the secret walk ways
The paths all leading to change
The hearts, the half closed hollow trees
The black, the white, the grey
The rain falling on my headband
My silent eyes and screaming pride
All point in one direction, only to find
You are too far gone

I’d tell her girl,
That man don’t love you
Like a 90's song
I’d say nah
He gon be elsewhere
I’d say he cares yeah
But he ain’t no forever
Man, child he got other plans
So get your mind
And go do it all
Whether or not
He be by your side
I’d say let him fly
And love him from afar
But don’t go questioning
Why you’re here
Because girl,
You’re a woman now

We wrote our own
And signed them quickly
You couldn't have
Stopped me
Mine went to live
In one of his DVD cases
As if in his possession
It was safe forever
I thought that pen
Was my friend
Doing me a favour
That paper, that human
Long lost, long gone
His soul now lives
Beneath the boxes
Never spoken of
It wasn't dark at the time
We were children in love

How have we made it here
It's been a whole ******* year
My ex he turns a year older
And I'm not celebrating
There's no anxiety and no fear
This year.
My absence is staying
It's surpassing birthdays,
Christmas, Easter and New Year!
Yep. It's a normal day for me.
I think that calls for a cake.

I was sat
Waiting for him
And it hit me
How it will be
When we are
Together

Then I realised
I am here
And he is not
'How do I live
Without him'
I thought

I am alive!
I'm doing it
I'm doing it
it's happening
I realised
I am doing just fine

You have clung to me
And I am in paradise

How often do you love them
Do you stare until they notice
He makes me want to remember
To fill the kettle for when I wake
So I can pour myself tea quicker
He makes me feel like celebrating
All those things I've overcome and
Go over how proud I have become
He makes me imagine all there is
How often do you meet someone
With such soft beautiful skin
And eyes that look like worlds
And hair that hugs your hand
He makes me want to feel like
Home because he makes sense
And for how often he loves me

This ones about the other men
I’m reserved but I still look at them
With intrigue about who they are
And I wonder if I would have enjoyed them
Or if I would have tried to see more
If I was without my gentleman
I used to search for someone
Now I look inwards and find life easier
As I don’t have that emptiness about
Being by myself and holding my own
Attractive people stand around
But none are as spectacular as my man

I'd take you by the hand
And bite my lip
If it ever came to it
I'd listen to you and
Remind the world
Of your grace
For you created
My better half
My slightly amazing
Very annoying
Favourite person
I ever knew

My grace and childhood joy
She holds the crown of memory
Without realising she creates
The greatness that lives within
A whirlwind of hidden honesty
We are yet to differentiate from another
Or watch our paths go the opposite way
She stands on one side I stand on the other
We always stand together

Why am I surprised every time
The voicemail sounds the same
People. They are always the same
Walking and talking
Whenever I am not there
I speak to an agency
They answer with careful wording
All calls are recorded for training
Purposes they say
I speak to myself and listen
To my thoughts they go
Around the same way
Like the earth goes round the sun
They repeat the same patterns
I think back and forward and still
And still my perspective remains
You are always your personality
You are always the same
Even when you change
The humour and the fondness
For your favourite things
Your patterns meeting patterns
Memories meeting memories
I admire the consistency
But consistency is not to be fooled
It cannot create certainty
You have to live without that
When you ring a phone

It is not my heart
That is broken in two
It is my mind

I said what are you doing
It is your vessel to control
What passes through
This body of yours
I said who are you being
Why are so you angry
Why is your heart not happy
Why is your mind racing
I said what is wrong now
When will these moments end
Why does it build up and explode
When will I learn to be
To remember how to relax
At the most crucial times
I said why are you not relaxed
Why are you like this
I walked away with the tornado
Above creating imaginary
Chaos and rubble behind me
Words lingering on the objects
That peacefully surrounded
Memories created cannot be reversed

Hate the sin but love the sinner
You don’t need to hate the whole person
But you can disagree with the action
Don’t blame and shame people inform and explain
Forgive them for they know not what they do
We reach people when we talk to them with understanding
Talk to them in the way you wish someone spoke to you
Before you knew what you now do
If a kind way resonates with you then spread that
The best way is to come from a peaceful place
Those who have the privilege to know have the duty to act
One person does make a difference and
Together we are changing the world

Why don't people like
To talk about the pain
I'm all ears to the truth
Pain doesn't mean
Life is deliberately cruel
Pain isn't here for the devil
It doesn't hide from a god
Pain just exists so why don't we
Acknowledge it a bit
It's always the troubled ones
That speak the truth
They know how to live with it

My men are my women
My women are my men
The more I think about
There is no difference
Between how I feel them

I haven't forgotten his name
Or the way his eyes look
But I've forgotten his sense
Of humour and the way he laughs
And his face when he sleeps
I'm not even sure if he weeps
I don't know his walk well
I've forgotten his natural smell
Maybe I just don't know what he
Brings apart from when he's
Gone and I notice that absence
I desire and long for in conversation
I know he makes me laugh
But I don't know why or when
Or if I've even really met him
I like how he is and how he looks
My way and how he turns me on
But it doesn't last long or
Make much sense if I can't
Properly remember his presence
He's like a film star I don't know
That you might imagine you know
I've fallen I retreat I am heading
Back to that time I didn't know
His kiss so I can try to forget
That time that stays in my mind
That time he disappeared without
Saying a word no reason has been
Given so I'm not prepared
To let go get hurt and let it be forgiven

He said what do you think
It means to have ***?
Doesn’t matter what I said
He pulled my neck hard
Doesn’t matter what I did
He brought me tea in bed
Doesn’t matter what I thought
I was myself

I dare you to celebrate yourself
To declare your worth
Like you have a child growing
Inside your body
Nurture your soul
Like an infant is watching
And listening ready to recycle it all
Practice peace and forgiveness
For yourself alone
Befriend patience time and time again
Notice your heart beat
And your desires and don't neglect them
Take pride and be joyful
Step gracefully into new opportunities
Stay safe like a baby is in your care
Like another part of you is out there
In this world trying to do you proud
Respect yourself for survival
Show no strength without weakness
And no weakness without strength
Allow your thoughts to travel
Recognise your flaws and truth
Accept control as an illusion
Give your mind time to be
Own that you are a woman
Responsible, brave, loving and free

He took me away
Brought me home
Fed my consciousness
Called me by my name
Reminded me of today
That we are all one
That we are all lucky
Smiled my way
Gave my past glory
Pulled me near
Led me to see beyond
Little old fear
Sang to my body
Held my hand
Kissed a loving memory
Made me tea and
Sent me to Nirvana

Things go wrong
And things get said
In and out of the bed
Things aren't easy
I've found even if
It really is true love
The ugly sides fly out
And line up to greet
All the pretty parts
I collapsed at the weight
Of his commitment
And I wondered if he would
Stick around for the cries
The deaths and the hells
I got taken over by the wine
My mind it was no longer mine
I longed for him as I slept
Then I woke up beside him
Stunned when he whispered
You look beautiful

He said as we were lying in bed
Don't think you are alone
You're never alone with me
And we were saying goodbye
Not forever but in some way
He's not mine and I'm not his
But he said to me you are never
Alone with me so I lay in my bed
And I thought of his words
You are never alone with me
He's not mine any longer
He's not mine no more
I let him go and I went my way
But he's still with me
Like he said he would be
I'm not alone no longer
I don't feel alone no more
He's not either he's got me

You kind of dread it
But when it happens
You just accept it
Growing older
Only gets romanticised
When you're with someone
You kind of pine for it
But when it happens
You miss the past
Growing older
I'm going to make you
And I get on

Forget the greats
The songs the films
I've got myself a woman
I got my old version
I got my younger version
I got my new self
And my old self too
I got so many of me
I've got a woman
Inside and out
I'll never be without
There's a woman
Standing inside me
I'm so lucky because
No matter what
Who why or when
I got me a woman
I get to always have me

Not got there yet
Not over that hill
Or through that tunnel
Haven't made it
The pain is always
Around to appear
Spontaneously
Maybe a little
Maybe a lot
It arrives to greet me
Without any invitation
Just when I think
I've gained control
And I say I'm fine now
Good night world
My body hurts again
I don't know why
The doctors don't know
No one does yet
So I lay and rest
And thank my blessings
Until it goes away

Actions speak
Louder than words
I think you'll find
You can be fine
Stop speaking
And act on what
Is to be done
It's about a persons
Actions not their
Same old song

Never as hot as summer
Never too cold to hide
Never waiting for winter
Never wanting to say
Goodbye

Who's it for? This life?
Is it for me or for you?
I look back and see all the characters
I played for you
And I wonder what I would think
If I was you
Standing and looking back at me

I want to be more like you
You hold the power like I do
But you are strong and consistent
Well sometimes you act different
But you understand the parts
That aren't perfect all the time
So you don't get disappointed
And you put health before love
And then wealth even if I put
Love and then health and wealth
What I'm trying to say is you
Respect me any time even if
Sometimes I don't act the same
And for that I really appreciate you

It was like a dream
They came to my door
To welcome me out
With thoughtful questions
And a sense of unity
At first I wondered
Why are they being so nice
I had no time to question
My day at work went okay
I've not been doing much
Yes I am close to my dad
I met with my manager
Yesterday to talk about
My body and my mind
I didn't expect to see them
Again for a long time
After I had read my poem
Out so nervously the night
Before I had wanted to hide
They came into my bedroom
And we went for waffles
Then next thing we are
On the train to York and
Stood on the castle walls
It was too special to explain
They cheered me up again
Even if with everyone else
I had clocked out

If I asked you to appreciate me
To show me that you love me
Just how I like to be shown
Would you sit and think it through
Or would you know what to do
I'm not meaning read my mind
I'm saying do you know me
Well enough to see what I need
Or have the courage to ask
In sickness and in health
The point is not to just exist
But be willing to support me
Helping me to appreciate you
That's the kind of love I need
I'm not asking you to know it all
But as time goes on I want you
To be my human hot water bottle

You’ve got me good I'll admit
You’ve got me thinking that
With your superb intentions
And your feelings directing me
Taking my soul this way and that way
You’ve got me always walking past
Those unlucky drains and pavement cracks
You've got me thinking it's all planned out
You’ve got me aligning my universe
Each time I mind my steps carefully
My boyfriend notices and joins in too
All this time you got me thinking I own you
Superstition you’ve got a hold on me
You got me trained to look for the number 3
In everything I see and do do do
There's no harm in touching things equally
Superstition you've been moulding me
But I don't believe I deserve misery
After experiencing happiness anymore
I won't disown you completely
But I'll be walking under the next ladder I see

I was walking behind
My man's bike trial
And the saying arrived
If you can think of three
Reasons why you don't
Want to be with them
Don't be with them
And I quickly got to two
I tried to think of a no.3
It was on the tip of my
Angry and disgusted tongue
Only one more reason
And I'd be long gone
I began the preparation
But there was none
I tried to use his bike
Or the way he walked
His pace was a little fast
He was breathing loud
But I couldn't make one
He's mine I tell you
He's staying by my side
That's why I forgave him
I like his walk, his pace
And his breathing sound
I had counted to three
Three reasons to stay
To keep him close to me

The man of my sunset sky's
We're all humans in disguise
I fall, I fly, I fail, I feel, I watch him
I watch him in the light
I feel him in the dark
There is no stardust in his hands
There is no magic within his eyes
There is a human stood before me
Tears down his cheeks and a fear
In his heart I felt scared and he did too
We're all humans in camouflage
No act, no play, no camera and action
Just the sound of him snoring
The way he drinks his tea
That is what stays with me
The human inside him is also inside me

I found out I am in control
And I saw the light that
I deserve to be happy
And that I don’t deserve
To suffer uncontrollably
I used to hide behind my door
So this miracle is a quiet one
The best ones always are

I laughed at the memory of Mitch saying
Well I think everyone around this circle
Has had a cup of tea made by him
Even if sometimes very questionable looking
I felt happy to be there remembering him
With those people, with those friends
With the memories he gave
He used to play songs even if they skipped
And he would ask me are you okay?
And I would say yes thank you Winston
He had just got some new red boots
I remember him meeting the priest
And asking him do you like my new boots
I will miss him and never forget to remember
Life takes you, it takes you by surprise, it takes you
I woke up today thinking we would be sat in church
Instead I watched the balloons fly away
In loving memory of a great man