I’ve been a yes woman
A sad woman
A hopeful, naïve & reckless woman
A hard-working woman
A silly, giggly, late, clumsy woman
A here for one night only woman
A stupid, stubborn, weak woman
An affectionate, elegant, sophisticated woman
I’ve been a drug taking dancing queen
A drunken fool, heartbroken and screaming
I’ve been a silent soul on a route to nowhere woman
I’ve been a woman on the run
I’ve been a forever moving power woman
I’ve been a friendly and loving woman
I’ve been a bookshop and museum type woman
I’ve been a hello poetry woman
A depressed, lifeless, tainted woman
And a smiley, angelic, beautiful woman
I’ve been an adventure thrill seeker woman
A I’ll laugh at anything woman
And a miserable, grumpy, ungrateful woman
I’ve been a mad woman
But I’ve never been a man
I’ve only been a woman

Can you stitch me up
Or take my stitches out
Can you feed me
Or tell me what not to eat
Can you help fix me
Or help me help myself
Can you see my path
Or has it not been written
Can you hold my hand
Or push me forward
Can you make me laugh
Or take away my tears
Can you piece me together
Or bring me peace of mind
Can you be me for a day
Or allow for me to be you
Either or neither
Whatever it will be
Forget the rest
And just come with me

Today has come just like I said
In my previous letter it would
But unfortunately there was
A change of plans, no events
Or flights or celebratory dance
Mr narcissist paid a visit instead
He felt my thoughts and appeared
He said I'm going to delicately
Inject pieces of guilt into your skin
For trying to find happiness
Within your life without me
My birthday is worth more
Than your so called mental state
So you should have messaged
Even though we don't talk anymore
No hold on he didn't say that really
Well kind of but not exactly
He did send a wave of hate
Criticism and lack of self worth
All over my precious mind
I mean he didn't openly confess
He had planned to shatter me
To panic and to write about this
With desperate hopes of not
Losing my mind but after 10
Years as best friend and lovers
In the depths of my mind it's clear
He knows that his message is his reply
And the vicious intent and power
To hurt me is still alive inside it

To you, guess what? Tomorrow is my party!
It's all happening here! My anniversary falls too!
It's all going on, I can tell you! I get my certificate
And all my other flight tickets will come too!
Oh, tomorrow, what I have to say about you!
But don’t worry, you aren’t missing too much.

Twas free and unhindered
The kind where you'd say
Just a Lou Reed day

Bold and beyond motive or reason
Standing taller than the wall of freedom
We have a spirit killer in our mist
Eager to feed the haggard deceased
With advice on how to survive
The ways of this punishing world
With the slap of an insult here
And then the sound of a gun
No one appreciates the critic
Always on the achievement run
Too far inside their stylish world
To help you improve and vanquish
The critic inside your own

Imagine everyday
As a new place
And a different
Part of your soul
Welcoming you home

Makes you not
Wanna stop

Find what makes
You feel the need
To escape and fill
The well with hope

Because addiction
Makes you not
Wanna stop

Even when it leaves you
And you've missed the bus
And your battery has gone
And the hot water has run out
And you just dropped your salami
Be grateful for the colour in your eyes
And for the movement in your face
And how you can swallow your own tea
And the way your mind goes its own way
Despite all conflict today I am grateful
For the people that reached out to me

Pack light
Don't add
Take off
In life
It's about
Working out
What needs
To stay
Not arrive

So I'm trying
This brand new
Responsible living
The blame is not
On anyone but me
And I'm reaching out
To help people
Help me and cope
In ways I haven't
Thought of on
My own it's a bit
Of a loophole
Seen as I need to
Help myself on
My own in the end
But I thought I'd
Start somewhere
So I picked one
To send a message to
And hear back from
I can only laugh at
The irony it's been
Four of the best days
Life heard and replied
I got no text back

The days appear easier
They don't hold as many questions
The night seems to enhance and entice me
Ordinary people notice me for
Being ordinary but they welcome me
With bigger arms and longer smiles
The pavement seems less like a
Challenge and more like a mystery
Worth partaking in
My days feel heavy but the light
Feeds through and I don't feel so alone
My sleep is less pained by hardship
And the past is now a space for me
To recharge on my own
There is no question I'm safe and
I'm more secure
My heart feels gift wrapped
My thoughts feel like a future speech
Just waiting to be written down and
Repeated by the crowds
My crown stays up right even if I fall
But there is not a magic key
To unveil the suffering I endure
I have not forgotten the loneliness
I used to feel nor do I feel I can cope
Sometimes at all but there's something
About your eyes and the way we speak
That takes away the fear of this short
Adventure and makes me want to live life
With you and allow myself to flourish
I can't say whether you will always stay
In my world but I hope I never lose this vision
And I want this mindset to stay with me
For as long as it can as time goes on
I hope your hugs arrive more often
As the days go on I don't want to buy a
Wedding dress and list the names to invite
I don't long for a honeymoon to lay and relax
In the sun I hope that what life brings
Is a stronger bond and a beauty that can be seen
By my friends and family
To relieve them from worry
And I wish for you to be yourself and do
Whatever pleases you for if your world collides
With mine I'll be right here to hold your hand
But where force and control belong
My heart does not want to make a home
There is only trust that out lasts disappointment
And if you feel I benefit you as much as you
Benefit me then my moon will always shine
Brighter than the night before

The truth - it always comes out
In the long run and when we're
Old and grey you and I
We won't remember the short
Times the times that didn't
Last long enough to leave a mark
Or a memory with a story worth
Telling
We will remember the times
That seize to leave us and that stay
In our minds and repeatedly
Change but keep alive it's true that
The truth will be right along side them
Leading the way

It just sits in my cupboard
Because understandably not everyone
Likes the idea of me liking
The fact I own a dead human's
Skull but it was passed down
The family for science and it
Belonged to a donor dude
So I'm sure they would have been
Happy it landed somewhere
Grateful in a pair of hands
That want to draw it and
Write about who I imagine it
Could have been and I think
About their style of walk
And how they used to talk
I just like that it's mine and
It's as anonymous to me as I am
To it and all we can do is
Keep it that way and it just sits
There peacefully doing nothing
Being my favourite possession
Anonymously

We don't give up
Or lose track
Of each other
And our souls
Somehow stay
Aligned & in sync
We just do things
And talk about
Stuff we like to do
Together, just us
And when it's not
A Lou Reed day
We just do what we
Only know how to do
We carry on
You make it all okay
Because you stay
With me even if
I'm being different
We just do
What people in love do

There is no right way
No do that or don't do that
Just make sure you eat
And get some rest
And speak what needs to be
Said if it's help you're after
Look after yourself
Until you're better

Tomorrow arrives after today
I heard someone say noon will happen
After the morning and then there will
Come a time called the afternoon
Today will be history and I won’t have time
To re live it. I can’t get back that view of the
Tree tops that I didn’t capture in a photograph
Or those opportunities to sound and act upbeat
And confident like my life is all okay
I missed them all I just sat there like my face was
Part of a life drawing class and the movement
Would destroy everyone’s masterpieces
Today is the last day before tomorrow’s day
I don’t know whether to thank or to hide life
Either way tomorrow arrives after today

They never get enough credit
They don't ask for nothing
You can open your eyes
And feel them
Despite whatever life throws
We always say
THE BEST IS YET TO COME
And you better believe it
The worst is too and today
I think well it broke me in two
And I felt their presence
The ones I have always turned to
They opened their eyes for me
And I want to thank them
For their time and for their
Energy that so greatly completes me
Today I am grateful for the love
That powered me through

I think I make it all up
The good the average
The uncertainty
Not everything comes
Or belongs in pairs
And it’s true to say
You didn’t have me at hello
But because I make it up
I have decided
You had me from that time
You dared to utter
Those two words
Don’t go

My new man he holds my hand
But I don't think he wants to know
How I'm doing or what I'm thinking
Like he says he does with such optimism
Some days I feel fine like a Beatles song
Others I wish for my face to explain the sorrow
So I don't have to speak at all
You aren't here on this earth to save me
No one is and I know that don't think I expect it
They say what have you been up to?
I get told everyone feels like that though
I think okay but that's not really helping me
It's too intense for me - today is a day
And that feels all too much for me
It's all pointless and takes too much energy
It's all an illusion anyway
I said I don't feel well in my mind
He said what do you mean
I said well I think it wouldn't be that bad
If suddenly I was dead he said I see
It's uncontrollably taking over me
But I know I'm okay and things will
Make sense some day soon but I just
Miss my old love with every ounce of me
Then by surprise someone new said to me
If you do want to go for a drink
Sometime I will happily take you I said
I'm sorry I can't accept but I am flattered
When I go to the gym
I will never not think of him

Everyone died at work today
Well at least it feels like that anyway
I went to the staff room
And I walked back out pen in hand
Only to find everyone dead
I said is there a god if so why
Have you done this and left me
Living
He replied with little enthusiasm
And said they're not dead
I killed you instead

I think sometimes I just think for the sake of thinking do you think you do that too? Think about it... is it all we do? Think and think about thinking? Do you think I think too much or is it just that you don't think as much? What does thinking do? Is thinking our greatest achievement in life? Our ability to think? What would happen if we stopped thinking? We would die I think or we would start to live. I don't think I should entertain every thought because I think I'd rather aim for a peace that comes from not thinking about thinking. I think I want peace.

Thank you for the kisses and
The hellos and the goodbyes
Who am I kidding
That isn't personal it's so generic
I'm actually thankful for your love
And how you cheer me up
No hold on I've done it again
I could hear that in a song
What about this I think I've got it
Let's just say I'm grateful for you
You can't get more specific than that
Can you? Oh **** it, I don't know
I just love you like everyone else
You're my pride and joy etc

Do whatever the ******* want
She said to me
And I'll do whatever I want to do too
There's nothing wrong with that
It's the way it should be
And if by coincidence
Our paths align together
We will be
Wild and free

There isn't one way
Don't you see
You are moulding yourself
And what you will be
I ask myself why him
What good will he bring
Am I ready
And then like a lightening strike
I'm next to you
Forgetting everything else
That has been and will be
All I say is can we drink tea
Don't you see
I didn't have a choice
My path has asked for you
To walk alongside me
There are no rules
There never have been
But I like to think
You took them all away
And let me be free

Have you got the time
To write about
Why you and I fit
And how you feel
Giving me all you know
There’s a certain magic
That no language can
Understand
I didn’t feel it I didn’t feel
Like your lips were made
For mine
How can it be my soul
Hears yours and
Yet your kiss reminds me
Of all the ones that
Got away
He watches my world
When he’s with me
And I go in overdrive
There’s no cap
On what I say
He wouldn’t hurt me
But I feel in my gut
That somethings not right
How do I find the words
To express my desire to run
I think it was the kiss
Lack of passion
I don’t dream of your face
But I see myself hurting
Through hurting you
So I have to stay positive
I have met you
A man of dreams
With all the conversation
To save a war
But I wasn’t all there
So I couldn’t think straight
How is it I can like you
And not want to be yours

28
No name
Cat was called Zoe

How can
I
Redeem
Myself
When
I
Can't see
What
I've
Done
If not
Everything
Wrong

I said you are lovely
You replied you are more
I think the reason I love you so
Is because of who you are
And how you feel so much emotion
But you don't bare all
I respect your quiet heart
And love you for who you are
I truly think you are lovely
Because you really are

Love is like flying
And you forget how to walk
So you fly the highest you can
The fastest you can
You fly and you fly
You love and you love

And when I think of you
I think of you again
And more thoughts of you appear
And then I think of you
My mind wonders
About you

I call upon them
For a little tea party
Destination unknown
I can't give too much away
When they have so much already
And what makes me so special to them?
I might make that the main topic
Of conversation
When we all sit down together
To discuss trivial things like the weather
Because that's all it is and all we are
Conversations going round in circles
And if you think you're important
Or anyone thinks highly of you
Then arrange to meet with them too

I wish I saved them all
I wish I could read them now
And laugh at the angle of my falling
And how I saw the next branch
Before I crashed into it and
The gradual development of each bruise
And how I just lay there and didn’t want
To move as I finally hit the floor and
I knew I knew deep down that the bottom
Was not as glorious as the fall
I wish I could redo it all and
Prolong it to avoid this part where I am sad

And now I do the only thing I know how to do
I write it out loud for myself to read again
To make the pain more durable
To make it leave me and evaporate in the air
Making my shoulders lighter and my hands more strong
Making my mind less frantic and my heart more solved
I write with the truth of the night that we will leave Leicester
And go on different paths we will sometimes walk
The same line in different places, poems and parties
We will remember each other
But my heart tells me of an end I know I don’t want to hear
The last time I see you is only the beginning of this end
As it marks the start of the journey I will take, the novel starts then
With your eyes turned around and your footprints drifting away
Into the distance that is when you enter me
With your words left burnt on the inside of my skin
That the people who know us will never see
You have sparked me and interested me
When I didn’t think I could find interest in the day
You have left me wanting to know more and that is why
I have enjoyed you, you have intrigued me
And that is what I will miss and that is sadly why I cry
You have seen my depth and matched it
You have sparked me again and again
You have made me moan and let me hear you do the same
You have made me laugh and most of all you have helped me
You have heard me in my quiet hour in my sleep and slumber
You have read my mind and helped me ponder
You and only you have saved me for the time being
And that is why I cry, I don’t want this to end
I don’t want you to go I don’t want you to find someone else ever
I can’t imagine having *** with anyone else, I don’t even want to

I shall write about your lips
And how their colour never fades
About the magic in your eyes
As they are fixed upon mine
How your touch touches mine
And the way your body moves
Almost as beautifully, as your mind

Walk the distance of your reach
Did you have time to blink
There’s an ache we are born with
It represents those we have lost
And those we never got
Mark your weight on your way
The journey might make you stay
In mind is all I need
Only if you let me see
Will I take your hand trustingly
Give me the power and shape
That forms my world in depth
And I will argue my case
Until the last bird flies
Above our heads and hands

I want to write about you but
I don’t want you to know
How you inspire me
To run and walk in the rain
And do what I want to do
I don’t know how you do it
You make me want to
Live freely and cross the park
And avoid the path I’d usually stick to
You make me want to be an adventure

It isn’t that the hopes and dreams of my future
Have now set sail and are pinned in the corneas
Of your consistent yet unpredictable blinking eyes
I do not long for you to be my every minute of every hour
Nor do I gasp at the thought of dark days or our love
Becoming and ending in disaster
It is enough for me to accept we like to see each other
Just as much as I’d hoped we could and whether you walk away
Or walk near I will know you once felt similar to the mind
I live in as I write this letter
I am content with today and that’s the sound of something greater
I believe in unexpected change and it doesn’t spark the same fear
In my body as it used to - the unknown is inevitable
You aren’t my world you are just in it
The beauty, although not so gracefully executed here
Is that you make it all wonderful
It’s not the idea that ‘the one’ has arrived
To untie all ties and bind old lies
Or that love is looming around the corner
It’s you and you alone
Dismissing diary memories and setting the scene
By forgetting childhood candle wishes
I am letting go of all societies’ expectations
And blowing into those pessimistic faces
The romance to this story is that you are enough for me

And sometimes I wonder what
Tree you’ve climbed and how
High you have chosen to go
What are you seeing right now
Is your view kind to you? I hope
It is and I hope you’d share it
With me, if you could, so easily
As climbing a tree

One smile and you’ll be away
Further than my eyes can stay
Time tends to light a fear
Inside us all from day to day
But time can lend us much more
For when I sit and think of you
Our memories will always greet me
Stood waiting at an open door
And in this picture time will paint
I know we will be forever smiling
Together through it all

One thing they wouldn't say
She seized the day
I tend to ponder and wait
Decide when to speak
Those who know me
Would probably tell you
She thought too much
Enough to write it down anyway
I disagree with them though
For those never thinking
Remain dead

One day we will sit in the garden
And you will bring me a cup of tea
I'll look at you and say I love you
You'll smile and we'll sit together in silence
Taking in every minute

We didn't dig deeper
Than what our conversations allowed
Or use the time to plan ahead
We didn't ask one another
Nothing was said
We didn't hear what we thought
Not enough to tell
We didn't do more than we could
Or lie about what we should
Honesty or laziness
Lack of interest or pride
Interested to know
Won't go into it though

An old friend might not be wiser
They might not be brand new
But they are useful to you
And you can sit in silence
And they won't question your worth
Because they love you anyway
Whether you carry dirt or gold
An old friend will bring you back home
Down to the earth you grew up on
And they won't mind where you went
They just want to see you happy
They feel what mind you live and feel
And wish for you to see your light
How they do through their eyes
Because it's true that an old friend
Makes the world a better place for you

Thank you for helping me expand my mind
And not feel as though I'm too much
Or too intense for other people
I know I can be dramatic and strange
And I think so fast my mind changes
Every day but I want to thank you
Above all because you know as I do
That the world is not cruel and the world
Is not kind and that whatever we do it
Doesn’t mean we are being punished
Or rewarded it's just the way it's happening
The world isn’t against or for us
It's just being and existing and it's us that
Puts personality to fatality so I want to
Thank you for seeing it all how I do
And for fusing with me to form a single entity

I just really haven’t got time
To sit and wait
And wonder am I enough?
For this human being?
Is my mind and soul and body enough?
If you have to question it
It’s no. So, run!
Run like the ******* wind
Because he’ll message again
And then you’ll have to stay sane
But you don’t
Guess what?
You don’t even have to reply

Feelings spread
Down your arms
Across your face
Into your presence
We give it all away
What we do and
Of course what we
Don't do
We tell our tale
We make our mark
Take your time
Silence doesn't have
To be negative
It might just be
That someone feels
It's right for them
So don't expect
Just watch what
People do and be
Then you'll know
A peace within

A good spiritual connection
Through the silence
When the initial lust is gone
And someone who wants
To walk you home
Just to be sure you will be okay
I like stimulation
Through speculation
Of the world around
And a little taste of adventure
Even in going to the shop
In the rain. I want to feel
Like I'm safe with that person
I might be a little intense
But I've come to the conclusion
I'd be turned on by someone
That wants to see my intensity
And I want to feel they appreciate
What turns me on
Enough to make them try figure it out
And think a little more
Than they usually do

It hits me after alcohol
And major social events
That I have to be a good person
And I feel almost scared that I may not be
So I go over everything and message people I miss
And analyse what happened and try to inspect
Hidden areas of my personality
And prepare for what I will do next
In this life that throws me around
This feeling reminds me of Japan
I call it ‘the come down’
The direct opposite of the word genki
Derived from the high of seeing new
It feels unforgivably overwhelming
I feel wrong or not right or perfect
And I worry what everyone thinks
And says about me and I try and
Cheer myself on to stop being silly
But it’s like a black cloud over me
Or a black puddle under my feet
And I tell myself if I pretend it’s not there
I won’t entertain it and make it worse
But it always lingers until damage is done
It saddens me that last night I spent the night
With my hero and still it feels like a lightning strike
Aimed for me this morning when he left
I know I should be happy I got to stay
And spend such a good time with him
But I don’t feel safe to bare my feelings
And I can’t help but regret it all
Because my instinct says he will drop me
Like an apple falling from the hand
Of a passer-by because they weren’t concentrating
And I’ll be alone again, cruising
So that’s as far as my hopes will go in this mood
If you have any visions of a better future
From another mood that’d be good to hear
So you can send me away from here

I will give you my time
And give you parts of my soul
And ask your advice
And seek your approval
And listen to your cries
And wait by your side
Until life turns around
If only you knew what
I’d do for you
Maybe you wouldn’t
Feel so black
And the truth is sometimes
I wish I loved you with a
Love that would make me content
But I don’t, it’s not you
And a part of me thinks
I would sigh in relief if it was
And sigh in despair if it was
But I don’t so I sigh a relief
And a despair and I wait