From making people laugh to hiding in depression,
From being a mere book lover to a bookworm,
From trying to actually doing,
From walking to being a rider,
From an onlooker to a photographer,
From being a son to a father.
This is me

It is easy to identify a happy soul from a crowd. The same to a depressed one. I don't know my state when I am writing this piece, I am alone and tired.

A lot of days to remember though no traces left behind,
With no best pictures of me or you  on the wall,
An empty house I now call splendid home,
I can have pretty a lot to say about those times.

At the bus stop no one is waiting for you I wonder,
At home no meal is being made ready for you,
No kisses goodnight anymore,
No face pinching or even patting our old cat.

Amongst the things that brought joy my life,
You were the best and I cherish you every day,
It is not each day that passes without me being so wishful,
Bringing me back together in the times we had and the house shouts.

It is silent now and I cannot look back my dear,
What a noise we made, what a fool you made out of me,
The dogs are out barking aloud can't you hear?
So as the wind billowing and carrying us far away.

Who are you my dear friend, looking in the mirror?
Are you simply admiring your eyes or are you searching in them answers you seek?
What do you see in those eyes?
Is it hope, happiness or love?
Or is it pain, delusion or absolutely nothing?

No matter what I see when I look into the mirror,
I hope I project all that I am,
I hope my vision is not blurred by fears, expectations and disappointments,
I hope my eyes are not blinded by the misty nonsense that I carry from someone here and there.

But how much I can be,
I hope when I look into the mirror again,
I will see nothing else, no one else but myself.

People are like stories.
Different kinds, different durations,
Different endings.

I think of some and smile,
I wish for some never ended,
I try to distant myself from some,
And try to keep some so close,
That it blurs my vision.

Some feel so real, some feel like a blown bubble by the sun at night,
Some held my hand and made me feel alive,
Others made me realize the parts of me that had long been dead.

I want to place the memory of some in my wallet,
And I regret reading some.

Why do you lead me back in 2003 oh sweet mind?
Why do you always have to remind me of my brother that died suddenly,
Why do you have to bring up my stubborn years, my father and silly cousin?
About how we discovered that paper ball was the best game,
Take me somewhere else please...

Perhaps you should take me on a journey down and what is happening now,
Teach me on ways to becoming better,
Oh sweet mind, what is it that is always there in the past?
Friends I have lost, some I no longer speak to,
Ask me to call one or two, chit chat about the present and the future I hold.

Oh sweet mind please be reasonable,
Be wise and make me understand what happened is just but a memory t by,
Make me plan my future and live my present with this little I got,
Oh sweet mind don't be this weary,
Dont hold that torch in that dark cave anymore,
Come out and see the sun's light so massive,
It's glory from the east and shining on everybody.

Oh sweet mind your fruits have ripened,
Call up mama one and many times as before,
Make her your friend as she was once,
Help her out, you're all she's got remember?
Oh sweet mind, stop thinking that your time is so near when the whole future belongs to you.

"Its a depressed world anyway" that was the last I heard from him,
The next day we found him hanging with a note in his jacket pocket,
No one knew what the note said, for it was engraved in ancient Mandarin,
The 14 words took him away for a night, then it was forever to the other side.

"Its a depressed world anyway" was the last thing he said to me after I said I was sorry,
He's stubborn and doesn't listen but I loved him,
He loved me too I guess,
He loved our child too.
He loved my boy too.
He called him Daddy a few times.
I don't remember his smile.

"Its a depressed world anyway" was the last he said.

Finally he has come back for his wife and son,
Finally he has come back for what he once lost,
In his youth he ran
But now he is back and fast.

You have been there for them and I thank you, he might say
How I wish it lasted, the feeling of being a dad and having a wife,
But lo! My past cannot still let me lay it plain,
Bid farewell now, bid! bid! bid.

Maybe we are too late and the creator be taking back his creation.
Maybe it is that time to kneel and pray,
That time to sing those songs of praise,
That time to lean in.

After all this is not our home,
Jim said, we are just passing through,
But c'mon why were we sent down here anyway?
To prove our worth and lead a way that was already laid down?

What is that grand design, often I wonder,
What is that ultimate knowledge of truth, to dig under?
What is that hidden, who is the founder?
What surpasses all, sky above and earth under?

Strolling in a garden
Beauty of the flowers
Roses, geraniums and all...
Is beautiful and inviting to the eye,
Shades of red, white and yellow,
God's touch, God's architecture.


Mingling among fellow men,
The black, white, yellow and colored
All modelled in God's liking,
Then I made a discovery
Like plants we belong to one family,
Colour is only but a shade.


Next time you judge me by colour or race,
Be reminded stems are our bones,
Bark and sap our flesh and blood,
Skin our petals,
Painted by God's gift,
In many lovely ways.

Then I thought of you on my wedding day,
This love that once sprouted out like a bud,
I will shout out this generation is for you dad,
The best to lay, the best way, the best day.

Oh how pleasant it could be for you to witness,
This love that is too much to confess,
Like a dog I fetched far and wild,
What a thing to always hold and be told.

I wonder who will play your part,
Who will cough at that farthest corner,
Just for assurance, I will tell myself you are there,
Who will smile and raise a glass like you?

I wonder what it meant to you when I first held that hammer,
Or when I first used that square to draw my crooked line,
Or when I helped you up the stairs with your walking stick,
Who gave you the name Nick?
and should I name my son the same?

You shouldn't carry your radio to school son.
You can enjoy your music when you're back home.
You'll just get in trouble with the headmaster again,
You know I want the best out of you so as your mother.

Avoid bad company,
Don't be suspended again,
Study, get an education... that's the way it is these days.
You don't have to smoke in school to show them you're a man.

Avoid alcohol as well,
Come home early, we will have some dinner tonight,
We will play all the songs you want,
Stay in the spare room, I will have ***** connect some wires through the ceiling for your own radio so you can enjoy your songs all night if you so wish.

Look, I did send you down to a good  boarding school,
But you wasted your chances there,
Now you have to walk like everyone else to this school far away,
You got it though, you make me proud out here, Ok?

Come over during the weekend,
I will teach you and ***** some carpentry,
We will fit this ceiling and repair these coffee trays,
We will paint every room different colors except the kitchen, your mother has to decide that.

I picked three colors for your three mothers,
Red for Mama Margaret, Green for Mama Jane and Blue for Mama Helen,
I don't have a favorite color myself, to me all are nice,
But dove grey on the corridor ceiling does good lighting from the East,
Dutch-Blue in the bedroom makes our movie afternoons quite stunning.

Then there are these carvings that Noah and Robert sent down from Nairobi,
Every other furniture must look like them, we will vanish all of them,
We will pick some old chairs from Mama Helen and repair them for my sitting room,
These reeds aren't strong enough,we will replace them with plywood.

I've had Mama Jane sew some clothing for the chairs and this cards table,
We will play all sorts of games here with your sisters,
I will teach you how to play monopoly and solitaire.
You have to learn how to invest son, its how i got all these you see we have,
Work hard for your money, be true and fair don't rush for quick money.


Oh! Dad...

Hallo is it you *****,
I am trying to reach Robert  but his phone is off,
Noah cannot pick either, bet he's still sleeping
Try getting hold of them and tell your brothers Charlie has just died,
His house burned down last with him inside.

The children saw it when they were going to school this morning
I have sent Mama Jane down to see
Wekesa, our house help is here but cannot speak,
That is Mama Jesca wailing,
I don't like screams, off you go Jesca, stop the wailing

Its a sad time son,
Plan and come down here as soon as you can
Quickly tell your brothers,
I want you all here with me,
The family needs each of you.

The askaris have come to take away his body to the mortuary,
They're also investigating the cause of the fire,
I cannot go down there with my swollen feet,
I just hope he did not do it himself with the petrol he was stealing from the generator,
He had gone to take ***** with Turkana the night guard.

My poor Charlie,
I don't know what I feel right now
I am sure Mama Helen is devasted,
It must be so hard to loose a son, I was not ready for this,
I don't know *****.

We will lay him on the left lawn with pink frangipani trees
We will have to chop down a few oleanders and mulberries
We will make him a small house over his grave
After a year I will work on his tombstone with help of you boys
I will write the epitaph myself.

I miss alot of things to complete myself,
A bookshelf is not enough to describe them,
My heart's experience is  still young to say i know me better.
My mind is not tired of searching.


I often get angry at myself for doing this or that,
I don't appreciate myself when I win
A sucker at love I am,
Yes the winner takes it all but whatever.


This journey to self has taken  me a lifetime,
It's some road I have left unmaintained,
I will not make it ******* myself,
I will find a way here...

*****, go read to Dad today,
But Mama, I am in class four and I haven't perfected my reading,
Well, Dad is a teacher and he is going to help you pronounce those hard and complex words,
Have you not seen him teach Nancy, Sue and Irene and the rest in Mama Helen's veranda?
He's not like Emily, he will not laugh at you but correct you,
He has some soda for you too, here's a glass take it with you.


Hi Baba?
How was your day?
I have a glass for you.
And where is yours?
Oh!
Bring the biggest cup, that plastic one you take your porridge from,
Ha ha ha, ok Baba.


In front of you is the young Hanson ready to read to the best dad in the world,
Today's book title is The Secret Seven Adventure, a series by Enid Blyton,
We will do a chapter a day,
Thank you,
Chapter one...


Make it a habit son,
I will get you a new book tomorrow The Wind and The Willows by Kenneth Grahame,
I am sure you will like it,
Its all about frogs and animals you'll see,
Thanks Dad, goodnight....

Say sorry to your brother,
Why?
He hit me first...
He messes my bed everytime
Say sorry, he is older than you are and besides,it costs nothing to say sorry.
How about I say and never really mean it,how's that?
Then go away reassess this situation come back with an apology if you will ever see your fault.
But Mama...
No buts here!Go!


What did I do to you?
You're the one that always starts the misunderstandings.
Last time we stole Dad's cake you ate the biggest piece and it was my idea.
Well, just go back and say sorry for the next crazy idea that pops up your big head.
But I don't understand why...
You never will.

Come Irene!
Get that racquet from the side of the tank.
Your mother brought a shuttlecock from Kitale.
I love this one, its heavy and a bit crooked ... just to my strength,
You see, your late grandmother used the one you are holding and she played off with your grandfather on this compound years ago.


What is this game called?
Badminton.
You just hit this conical shaped ball called a shuttlecock towards me and I hit it back your side
Just make sure this ball doesn't touch the ground,
It's not hard like Table-Tennis.
Here goes...hit it back.
You're getting it... you're doing it right...


I remember it like it was yesterday,
Uncle Michael and I run down the street to play,
We could just run from your aunty,Gillian ...what a fast runner she is!
She wrote to me last week about her cat running around the house,
See, my dear Irene ,even after all these years we still keep in touch,
So keep in touch with Dad wherever you go, remember your brothers and sisters,
I'd love to see you go far, travel the world, Do what you love.


You got a voice in there, 
I've heard you sing from the kitchen window,
Write those songs down in your diary,
Sing to me, sing to Mama, sing to everyone, sing to the world.


Hey Walker, I didn't see you there...

Oh father, I liked how you held my hand,
No dance but just that firm grip.
"Hurry son, your mama waits", how opposite,
Scorching sun and wind through car windows.

Forever waits and just sitting there,
Little talks with a wink, a squiggly smile, quite unafraid.
Crosswords, measures, designs, never fade,
"Learn son, the future waits", how true.
That's why, I am so.

I will be tall for you baby,
I will make sure that you get to go to college,
Meanwhile, read all you can.
Here, let's try some Egyptian History from that National Geographic Magazine,
Get it from that shelf next to the piano,
See what Howard Carter found in 1922?
Very remarkable, isn't it?

Your time will come,
Make sure you write to me as often as you can,
Tell me what you are upto, what you find and see peculiar,
Oh! I cannot wait to see you with a wife and a son,
You bet, I will be the happiest grandfather around here...

In the spare room,
In the shelf above the door,
Get me "Recipe Book 2"
I want to try a **** this Jamuhuri,
I will call it, "Toad in a Hole"
Mama Helen brought some sausages from town
I know you will love them, no sugar in the pastry this time
I also want a piece

C'mon Tereza, hurry....

You're blue and I don't like it,
C'mon son why the long face?
Don't be sulky talk to Daddy, I am here.
You look sick, are you eating well?
Is your mother feeding you well or still on mixture of maize and beans?
I am making a meat-pie with Sheila,
Do come by today for some crossword in the evening, I will make sure you have a bite with ole Dad.

I have drawn some designs for the welsh dresser,
I'd like to make it with you,
Your brothers are all away and this one is still growing he can't hold a plane yet,
Just look at him, he's coming up too fast.

"Ok, will do."

What a burden this I carry,
Leaning in and forward all the time,
Why am I so not what I wanna be?
Why is my past haunting me all the time?

This I will carry for you, but who are you really?
Come to me oh the ones with a heavy heart, and I will give you rest,
Who are you?
My one immortal friend, where are you?

Words are cheap, but still here I am failing to fall for it,
This I will ask, that I seek, that so you said,
I wanna be a good one,
I am someone's boy,
With nothing but a smile.