I'm a prisoner in my own mind

It tells me that I'm a nobody and that I'm just letting my life go to waste.

I will stand here and feel sorry for myself, knowing that every day that goes by I'm one day closer to dying without doing anything special in my life.

It's a daily reminder that I'm running out of time to do what I really want to do with my life.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night,  they are the thoughts that make me realize sometimes I'm not okay and honestly it's okay not to be okay.

I'm just tired of pretending and living a life full of lies.

Cause on the outside everything seems calm but in my mind it is full of loud and anxious thoughts telling me that I'm not good enough.

It's an endless battle between my  life and my mind, and it's time to admit that I'm scared I'm going to lose this war.

Anxiety never stops eating you alive, and it will make you believe that every little piece of anxiousness or sadness that you get is your fault.

For as long as I can remember I've always had this deep void in my life,
It's this weird empty feeling deep inside of your gut,
that you can't get rid of no matter how hard you try.
It sort of consumes and eats away at you,
You'll have very happy moments and then surprise! It's back.
The feeling always comes back, it wont ever leave you alone.

The constant frustration to fill this void,  something to get rid of all of the pain.
What's the cause? I don't know and you can try to search for the answer
But you feel the same sad   emptiness every single day
It leaves me feeling so empty and anxious
like I'm missing a piece of life
something that's a huge part of me
and once I have it, I'll be happy and at peace
I just need that one thing, this missing key to my life,
and when I find that missing key, everything will be alright.

I've  tried just about  everything - friends, education, even material stuff,
but no matter how hard I try to shake the feeling , it never seems to be good enough.

I keep telling myself to do my best and follow my dreams.
Yet lately my mindset has been the complete opposite.
I'm sitting around and achieving nothing.
I've been thinking to myself, What am I doing with my life?
It's like I'm purposely choosing to trap myself in a tiny cage
And if I fail in life I'll  only have myself to blame,
I can't and feel like doing nothing when I'm in this type of state,
And when I hear that I have inspired people with what I say,
I feel fake.
I've gotten used to this sort of feeling and I've finally become comfortable,
I've lost count of the days that I felt this way
It's all become one long stream of consciousness
where everyday feels absolutely the same.
I don't have a routine anymore,
I'm just sleeping, doing nothing and wasting the time away.
I've become the type of person that I used to hate
Feeling completely hopeless,
constantly making the same mistakes again, and again, and again.

I've lost the feeling of purpose.
I'm finding it hard to get myself out of bed in the morning.
I keep distracting myself from fixing the issue.
Never quite been the best at taking responsibility.
I'd rather waste my days doing nothing laying in my bed and
then spend my nights awake, feeling horrible because I can't feel decent.

You have to keep mentally telling yourself that you are worth it,
but every now and again you get tired of telling yourself the same thing.
Your mind just goes blank,
and it becomes super hard to feel productive and happy.
I could pretend that I'm great and happy all the time like some others do,
but truth is, I've never really been a good liar.

So instead I will hide away in my room ashamed to show people my face, too ashamed to socialize.
I'll keep reminding myself that I've achieved nothing these past couple of weeks.
I wish I could get over this phase,
become motivated overnight and start to create.
It's frustrating because my mind won't work that way.
I've become so negative and I'm tired of it,
The only way out is forcing myself to change.

The problem isn't the work I have to do ,
It's me,
I'm constantly cutting myself short.
I underestimate what I can do.
I have literally become my worst enemy.
Yet I'm still not doing anything about it cause I'm too scared to compete against it,
I feel like it's too hard.
Yet if I don't do anything about it I will eventually fall back into this phase,
And once you're back into it it's 10x harder to fight off
and I know that,
Yet here I am doing nothing about this
and when I do inevitably lose all hope
I'll only have myself to thank.
So I'm done treating myself this way.
I'm worth it, and so are you.
Thank you.

I feel like you hate me
Please tell me if what I think is true
Because I love you so much
and I want you to love me too

I know you like me
And, hopefully you care
But I feel like I'm just a burden
It just doesn't seem fair

I feel like you think I want attention
That I'm just fake and don't hurt
My pain is real though
And behind these eyes I'm honestly living a curse

I don't do anything I do for attention
It's honestly a cry for help
Stop judging me for what I do
Or how I hate myself

I wish I could feel that you honestly loved me
But I really can't
Which makes me hate myself even more than before

So, do you really hate me?
Or is this just a stupid feeling in my gut I have?
I need to have an answer
It will help me heal once you leave

I don't want to feel hopeless

and I always told myself I never will be

But then you noticed me

and all of a sudden

I didn't believe in hope.

The day that you decided to leave, 

was the day that I changed who I was.

What I got was despair, 

a life of happiness, exchanged.




The day you left me, 

I felt dark and cold inside. 

I could feel my happiness disappearing, 

my life began to unfold




The day after you left, 

My heart ached with sadness

My happiness was locked in a cage with the key that was thrown into the ocean. 




I saw you one day, 

nothing had changed.

I got back all of my happiness.

I replaced the lock to the cage.




I love you, but this broke me,

and I have to admit

I still miss you