There is no one to hear my pain
And I am only to Blame
I accept the undying honesty that I have only myself to blame
So thunder cracks
And I bid my last farewell

I keep going back to that moment,
Right after we slid into the ditch.
As we literally hung in the balance,
Too much weight on the right side and we’d roll deeper and deeper into the ditch.
It was the moment that was so quiet and still.
Where every part of me shuddered,
Where we both forgot how to breathe.
Dangling as she slammed her foot on the gas pedal,
Causing the grass below the left driver side tire to spark on fire.
In that moment of stillness as the dry grass burned,
Fear.
Don’t move.
Figure something out.
She can’t move.
I can’t move.
Are we going to die?
I can’t stop shaking.
Breathe.
I can’t breathe.
******* we are going to die.
That moment where all the questions and decisions in the world happened,
The left tire blew erupted into flames as I grabbed her shoulder, leaving her towards the left side to stabilize us as much as possible.
I told her to push her feet into that break and not to let up until I tell her to.
Climbing into the back seat breaking the window and climbing out.
Pitch black smoke everywhere I actually lost my directions and couldn’t see the van.
I couldn’t breathe.
After fumbling around like a blind man,
I found the door and had to rip the seat belt off to get her out.
She was frozen so I had to carry her to the other of the road.
That’s when the next moment happened.
The shuddering, the heat of the flames.
The crackling of the fire, the moonlight reflecting on the river.
That’s when I did the most stupidest thing,
I ran back into the fire.

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

While I was sitting in silence,
You were out laughing and falling in love.
While I was alone in pain,
You filled the empty place that was once mine.
While I was dying,
You were living.
And the entire time I loved you regardless,
Even when you replaced me,
When you said you hated me,
I laid on that gurney, red & blue flashing.
The beeping, the police, emts firefighters all yelling but it sounded echoey.
It hurt to breathe, every breath was like hot coals down my throat and chest.
My eyes burned & felt scratchy.
My nose bled like crazy from the dryness.
Beeping
Endless ******* beeping.
The cold air in the ambulance wasn’t cold enough for me,
I still felt like I was burning in hell.
Scorching searing heat.
All I could do was lay there and repeat the story of exactly what happened.
And also to call you.
To call the one person who probably couldn’t care less about what was happening.
The doctors rushing to check me out completely and threw 3 blankets on me even after I said I still felt hot.
They were right to do so because not even a minute later,
Full panic attack, all adrenaline that kept us alive gone.
Endless shaking and the soot making my eyes water more and my nose burn.
All I could smell was gasoline, burning rubber plastic, cigarettes, liquor, smoke, burning grass.
I could hear the flames roaring like a lion announcing its attack.
Yet I also kept saying to call you.
Of course no one called you,
When we were released from the hospital I fell into the PTSD depression slump, I drank a whole bottle of Jaeger because at that point I didn’t care what alcohol it was or what it tasted like.
I needed someone,
I needed you.
Actually I didn’t need anyone.
I just wanted comfort and safety.
Yet in the end I'll never get that.
And that’s okay, I survived

Jolted up in a cold sweat,
I remember why I try not to sleep.
The dreams are back again, the horrible nightmares.
Seeing her smile, hearing her voice before I wake up in the dream and I get the call.
“She’s gone”

Now that this new step in life is taking hold,
Now everyone will wish they’d treated me better.
They’ll regret what they’ve done.
It’s ironic because they’re the same people I gave up everything for,
Yet now I’m finally choosing to become more.
To prove to myself and all of them that I deserve so much more than they could ever give.
And that I didn’t deserve to be hurt or broken by them.

Panic.
Suddenly breathing is harder, abrupt inhales and sharp exhales.
Stomach tightens and jaw clenched.
Whatever you do…
Don’t
React.
Whether the reaction is positive or negative, it’s all perceived as negative in everyone’s eyes.
You can’t **** up.
You came too far to lose it all by showing what you’re feeling.
Don’t cry
Don’t get angry
Don’t let it hurt
Don’t smile
Don’t scream
Don’t laugh
Don’t Do Anything.
You know that whatever you do it all falls back on you.
The shaking and twitching starts because you’re muscles have been tight for too long.
Just keep a blank face.
It’s okay.
You didn’t do anything wrong…
It was out of your control…
Even standing in the shower away from everyone, tears build up but they can’t come out.
That’s when I realized it’s fear…
Fear of losing everything I’ve worked for.
Fear of not being good enough.
Oh that repetitive thought.
The whole car ride home was intense,
Hearing all the bills piling up, the persistent reminder that I have to save my money but somehow pay all the bills.
I just needed my phone service turned on and listen to music, even that I couldn’t do.
This whole night one thing after another,
I will say I am proud that regardless I somehow have gotten through it.
Now I’m hoping that she reads the message about how my phone service wasn’t on…
Either way…
Panic…
Just can’t show it.
So I lay here body twitching under the stress.
Knowing that in just a few hours,
It all starts again.
Hopefully it’ll be an easier day.
Just need to get to the weekend.
Breathe…

It’s strange having someone check on you,
Notice the signs that it’s a bad day and instead of leaving you to your thoughts.
To have someone who checks on your family since you live there,
How instead of judging you by your past, only hopes & dreams of the future with you.
It’s a strange feeling,
Mainly cuz I know I don’t deserve her.
Yet here she is, hasn’t given up on me yet.
The craziest part was when I told her what I wanted to do for a career, all she said was okay well let’s hope whatever you get stationed we can go with you.

Now with the most recent events,
Got jumped about 3 times because of things that weren’t even my problem to begin with but I have the family name so yeah, my left eye hemorrhaged, if I ever get hit or fall on it I will go blind for good.
Broken and cracked ribs, left cheekbone was broken still swells every now and then.
Oh
I almost died. AGAIN.
This time was when I was drinking with my niece who’s actually a year older than me.
We went for a cruise that was indeed a drunken cruise.
She drank way more than I thought she did and I was drunk too.
We were driving on the road to my grandpas church,
She tried to turn around so we could go back up the road cuz that road ended by the river.
Instead we high centered and slid into the ditch.
We were balanced on a old buried tree trunk.
She tried to push the accelerator all the down to rev us out, that caught the dry grass on fire. And then the left driver side tired caught fire.
So I had to climb out the back left window of the van, and pull her out.
Now that should’ve been it, but I thought I could get the van out of the ditch.
So I ran back into the now burning van,
Grabbed our phones and tried to grab the insurance papers.
Burned my hands in the process but I got out,
And just in time because it did explode not a big one but it exploded.
I could’ve died and somehow I just got out in time even though I went back in.
I couldn’t breathe, it hurt to breathe.
I couldn’t stop shaking and repeating what happened in detail to the cops the emts the doctors and the nurses.
The shaking scared me because of the fact that I couldn’t just stop.
My hands were tingling and they felt like someone used sandpaper on them or something.
The strangest thing was that I kept telling everyone to call Della, the girl that left, my ex. I just wanted to talk to her.
I remember being in the van before I had to Climb out the back, that I kept seeing mountains in my mind.
I saw mountains, the black hills, the yall prairie grass, I saw the desert sands of New Mexico. I saw every place I loved and all I kept thinking was “please whoever’s  listening let me get out of this alive because I have to see her again. I promised her I wouldn’t die or **** myself. I promised her let me get out of this alive please, she’s gotta know I’m okay I have to be okay, I have to stay alive, I gotta move I gotta get us out. I gotta live, I can’t leave her like this even though she ain’t around I can’t leave her in the world by herself I gotta get out, I gotta move.”
I don’t understand I almost died three times in my lifetime and I am here.
I don’t get it. Just hope it’s for a good reason.
I hope it’s worth it, & I will do my best to make it the most of it.

I’m self aware & mentally ill
I am overwhelmed by the emotions I’ve suppressed for so long
Being in my relationship with this amazing woman who only asks for love and to not be taken for granted has opened my eyes to everything I’ve blocked and tucked away
My counselor says that I was misdiagnosed, I do have ADHD and also Autism.
I’ve masked my innocence and my loving nature with the benefits of my first diagnosis.
I’ve learned to become a narcissist,
I’ve learned to become what I’ve always tried to protect myself from
And my relationship is suffering as the result of my defensive mode
I am now overwhelmed with the emotions that I’ve constantly called my weakness when they are my strengths as I learn to control them
I hope everyday she sees how much I’ve put into this daily fight
The hardest part of my everyday routine is waking up and feeling everything at once
The heartbreaking part is when my response to protect myself from being hurt is reacting in anger and seeing her hurting
I yelled rather than taking time to calm myself
I went silent before I communicated that I can’t process the battering ram of emotions that crush my chest
My counselor told me that I can do this,
My girlfriend says she loves me and I see that she is patient and also that she could leave because her happiness is what’s important
I can do this.
I am not a bad person.
I am not a narcissist
I am not a bad person.
I am good enough
I can win this fight
I can learn to love me again
I can be free to be happy again
I am going to be okay
I will win this battle against my mental illness
I will learn hope to cope and become a better person
I can and I will

Two completely different individuals who are destined to destroy in one way or another.
A dangerous union,
Many have warned about the coming calamity.
One will have praises & the love of many.
The other will have been broken & battered.
One has the heart of a lion yet piously flawed.
The other who’s lived a life as all lone wolves do, hanging on.
A reminder of characters from the tale of Fire & Ice.
One lives their life as if nothing happened,
After they’ve betrayed, lied, laughed & poetically killed the other.
Broke their spirit & destroyed what soul they had left.
In the end the pious lion always goes on & tells the tale of how they were always innocent.
Stalking their next prey,
Yet somehow their forked silver tongue always let’s them get away.
A long list of now broken naive people,
A pile of broken hearts & shattered dreams.
All for one’s ego.
Little did they know that maybe just one would be their greatest mistake.
That one person becomes the monster of their own design,
Now truly there is one who became more than just prey.

Death was comforting,
It was silent, still & peaceful.
Then I heard the rumbling, the cracking.
It was the first time I saw the thunderclouds roaring their tremendous roar.
The lightning piercing the sky and the hill.
I heard “not yet”
That’s when I felt the air in my lungs again,
She was still ontop of me punching with all of her might,
Choking me once again.
Smile on her face.
I used whatever I had left to push her off me,
I pushed her back so she was standing and I could finally stand up.
I knew my family was right outside that hotel room door and I couldn’t see out of my right eye but I opened the door. They walked in looks of horror as they saw my bloodied beaten face.
I turned back and there she was sitting as if nothing happened.
The irony of all this is that I never hit her once.
I didn’t want to hurt her,
Regardless of me not fighting back,
She enjoyed it.

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...

In the midst of darkness,
Her soft voice quiets my tormented soul.
There’s no judgement, no belittling.
Instead she noticed I wasn’t doing the things I loved,
Her first response was to check on me.
And stayed on the phone as long as we could.
Saying goodnight back and forth,
Everytime getting a little quieter and softer.
Her little laugh and smile.
While the world pushes me to use anger and become the very villain I’ve wanted to escape from.
She only asks that I take a breath and rest.
My niece, her mom (my sister) and cousin all know her now, she wasn’t afraid to get to know them.
Now she knows how much they mean to me and I to them.
She met my family up north, and wants to meet my parents.
She’s gentle and kind.
It’s easy to talk to her,
It’s new.
There’s no pressure only encouragement that goes both ways.
I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us,
And I love every moment I spend with her.

Creating the perfect wedding was only possible being inspired by you.
The details have you hidden in between and all they could say was it’s perfect.

“Hey you’ve been distant today, btw I swung by your aunts and your sisters today said hey, they said they miss you. Also yes I posted a pic to Snapchat for the first time in awhile cuz didn’t want you to forget my goofy *** face. I’ll bug ya later. I love you”
It’s the little things that make the difference,
She understands that I’m working on getting my GED and hopefully a good job before I join the military.
Idk she’s different, no rush and no worries.
Just understanding and patience,
It’s something new

Sitting in a chair with a coffee in one hand at a breakfast restaurant , the sun was shining and everyone was walking by going about their everyday life.
Just as I was about get to leave I heard your voice,
“hey Josh”
I turned around and saw you there smiling,
Even though I knew something was wrong.
You didn’t need to explain you sat down immediately and we sat there in silence as if we were honoring a loss.
He had broken up with you because we were all supposed to meet to discuss our lives together.
When you’d finally told me, you tried to leave.
And I responded with
“I have loved you from the moment I met you, everyday I wanted to be a part of the world you are in. I was an young and stupid idiot who never could get control of their feelings or emotions, but you I finally saw that it was possible. And that anything is indeed possible. I look at you and you are the strongest and bravest person I know. I’ve loved you when I was able to hold you in my arms. I’ve loved you from afar when you’d left to find yourself again. And I will always love you no matter what.”
She smiled,
“Can we just run away? Can we just go?”
And just like I woke up.
Back to reality where I know I’ll never be able to call her mine again

It’s understandable,
My life is complex though I wish it was simpler.
There’s the past me who loved being toxic & never gave a second thought.
There’s the part of me that my father wishes me to be, the side I despise the most.
And then there’s me now,
I’m living in between life & death it seems.
I really don’t care anymore,
I just choose to be happy.
Yet everyone will always see the old me.
Hopefully some don’t.
Itd be nice if someone would understand.
That the world is truly full of unknowns and worrying about everything is pointless because what matters is now.
Until the day comes that someone can truly understand or accept me then I suppose it’s just me.
And that’s okay.

Losing your identity because the one you love and that “loves” you takes a bigger toll than you think.
At first Della presented herself as supportive,
Come to find out once again silenced.
I put my head down hoping to lessen the vibes in the room.
Never really got to speak my mind, share my views.
Always met with the disregard,
The instantaneous change of subject.
Luckily now I am able to speak freely,
Now I am with someone who is interested and open to learning more.
Trust me I talk a lot especially when I’m excited :)
It’s refreshing to be able to be proud of who I am and where I come from without the belittling by someone who said they love me

7:13 am,
My mind never seems to stop wandering, honestly I wish there was just a switch.
Instead I’m doing my laundry with her on the FaceTime,
I keep worrying about what could happen.
What has happened.
Like what if our time together again is really is just going to be cut short again.
Honestly I’m worried about her,
I don’t want to see her hurting again.
I don’t even think she believes me when I do tell her I want to be her friend,
It’s like with everyone in my life it takes extraordinary measures to just be heard.
Which I don’t want to do anymore, it’s exhausting.
I use to always try to get my point across, put my foot down kind of.
Now?
I just want to be happy, and I’m learning new things like being comfortable in telling someone no I don’t want to do that.
I use to be a big people pleaser because I was taught that the idea of you is important, how you look, how you present yourself has to be perfect.
Now I just like doing the things that make me happy and I’m okay with doing them alone now.
It was scary at first because I use to hold onto the idea that I needed to find a partner in life to make it so to speak,
When really all i needed was to be able to be happy with myself.
So far so good.
Sometimes it gets dark,
I second guess myself.
I don’t know maybe it’s all part of the process.
Even writing this is all over the place,
Honestly I’m worried she’s gonna have a nightmare and that I’m not gonna be able to calm her down.
Or that maybe I still can…
Either way all I know for sure?
I can’t figure out what I’m feeling exactly, only that I want to be here for her no matter what.
Like I promised

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice

It’ll be too late before she realized
That I could’ve done it

Life is full of triggers.
Everyday I get sent back to the fire.
Everyday at some point I am back in the fight or flight mode.
Life is dangerous.
Love is dangerous.
Yet I also remember that I started moving when I could’ve stayed frozen in that moment.
I could’ve stayed still and prayed someone else would’ve helped me.
Instead I chose to move, I chose to find a way out.
I chose to pull myself and her out.
I chose to keep going.
Even when everything started to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally.
When the adrenaline started to wear off on that hospital bed and all I could hear was the echoing roaring flames and popping, the explosions.
And the beeping of the heart monitor skyrocketing.
The moment I saw my sister and the look on her face, I collapsed into her arms and she held me.
I broke down like never before,
In that moment I was vulnerable.
Exposed.
Yet all I felt was love and comfort.
Even to this day I call or my sister checks in and I know there’s a reason I moved.
There’s a reason every single doctor, police officer and firefighter kept telling me over and over that I did something.
I saved someone.
I moved quick and I did everything right.
My aunt telling me that she can’t wait to see how I use my “gift” for something good and great.
How everyone always told me before that my ADHD was something annoying or bad or that I will always be a bother.
I learned that it’s helpful.
I processed everything in my head,
Staying in that van and hoping someone else gets us,
Staying and just accepting that this is it.
Or moving.
“Gotta move. Gotta get us out. We gotta go home. How do we get home.”
In the end,
It was terrifying, it still haunts me.
The pictures and videos are nothing compared to how it was.
They don’t show exactly what it was.
The reality was so much worse.

We game
We laugh
We joke & even cry.
Always goofy friends with endless hours talking away and laughing even if the video game frustrates us..
Yet suddenly one day i noticed the change in your voice, it was more nervous high pitched.
We started talking about relationships,
Now we FaceTime before going to bed,
Talking about the what ifs.
We look out for each other,
Noticing when somethings wrong…
I think that maybe this time…
I hope this time,
The universe answered my prayers,
And she’s the one.
Of course we are both worried about the what if we break up and it’s hard to be friends again…
That worry comes to mind yet here she is…
Telling me it’s going to be okay, she’s got my back like I have hers.
Now it’s the plane ride over and she’s in my arms
Gently stroking her hair and she snuggles closer to me,
Safety.
The one thing we’ve both longed for.
She sets up her PS4 and we game till we want to watch a movie.
“It’s going to be okay, even if it’s a lot to handle sometimes. Life does that, challenges us.”
She falls asleep so soundly and peacefully,
With her nestled in my arms I too drift off.
I love waking up next to her, as she smiles every morning telling me she loves me dearly
Maybe this time the universe is indeed kind,
We both longed for this,
The safety and peace we never had before.

At one time,
I believed I could do great things.
I actually started to dream and hope for better outcomes.
Because she helped me become more.
Now?
I know what I am what I always will be.
So I’m going to back,
I mean come on.
It’s not like I deserve being happy anyway,
All that hope those dreams just gone, she took them with her.
All because I didn’t want to lie or hide anymore

She asked me why I don’t want to be in a relationship,
I replied that it wasn’t her fault.
I’ve been told for two straight years how terrible of a person I am,
How nothing I do will ever matter.
I’ve been told that I am not smart, I don’t know what I’m doing.
And a lot more, the problem is I believed her.
I believed her because I loved her.
And that did more damage.
I don’t trust myself or anyone.
How can I?
Her only reply is so simple and so sweet,
“When you’re ready I’m here, until then I hope I can show you that she was wrong. Because I see so much more. I love you even when you don’t love yourself I love you.”
And everyday since she’s told me that she’s definitely kept that promise.
It’s hard, most days I don’t talk to anyone yet she still checks on me.
That’s something that I never got before,
All I can say I don’t deserve her but everyday I hope to be the best I can for her and for me.

Two options.
Tell her the truth and end it in a nice way, but she’ll come back or you’ll go back. Whole toxic cycle.
Or
Be the bad guy, break her heart so she can actually heal. Push her towards the guy who’s better. So she can be happier.
I just hope I chose right.

I’m exhausted.
The bitter truth is everything I had ever worked for,
Struggled for,
A great job and amazing work experience,
3 vehicles, one I got for my parents 2 I bought for me.
My parents house paid off, an apartment for me and my best friend.
A bond with my family, amazing people in my life.
All home in some way shape or form because of my one decision to love someone who never understood the value of it all.
The hard work it took.
And now even though at times I hate myself for my decision.
I know I can come back stronger.
Even now I have been given the opportunity to reconnect with my family.
And I love them with all my heart and soul.
The decision I made to love someone who was comfortable with telling me to leave my family behind haunts me,
Yet I know I am loved.
And now there is no way to go but up.
With my best friend who’s the most amazing beautiful strong woman by my side,
My two dogs who are the best dogs I swear.
My family who I now know will never turn their backs on me.
Together anything is possible.

Mornings start with the tracing on my fingers writing out I love you,
Soft kisses on your nose and forehead as you gently wake.
You snuggle closer to me as I wrap my arms around you,
Luckily we can sleep in.
My baby softly grumbling because you yearn to be closer.
It’s these moments I hold dear.
Nudging your nose against my neck and smiling as you fall back asleep.
Safe and warm in my arms.
Or when we play apex,
The competitiveness between us unless the random tries to be an ***,
Then all I can hope for is that they can handle your wrath.
How you’ve taken the time to learn the game so we could spend time together,
Long distance never was a bother between us.
We found our way, knowing we have our lives and life goes on.
So we travel back and forth,
Until now.
We’ve repaired the broken house my ex had a hand in destroying,
My parents love the extra help.
And they love you.
We can live our lives finally without fear or worry.
Without having to give up or run.
Without all the heartache and betrayal that we’ve only known through our former lovers.
Finally free.
Able to breathe again.
Able to love again.

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

Every villain needs their arch in the stories.
After years of constant pain & betrayals,
Now the time has come.
After trying to be the good person that everyone says you can be,
There’s a breaking point.
Time to give them hell,
My life is my own.
And by my side,
The woman who shares the ideology of its us before anyone.
Who shares the experiences of pain.
Together we build a world to call our own.
Shrugging off with a smile as those who use to hold us back try once again to hurt us.
They hold no power,
They are where they are meant to be,
Below
Behind
In the past

Her smile was tender, his heart was stone.
The voices finally won.
The ones he loved at the time dealt the blow.
It was her laughter, that sweet little giggle.
How she never gave up on him,
Through the hard times with no money to show.
The I love yous and the soft kisses.
He wasn’t perfect and she didn’t care about perfection.
Together their life became better than they knew.

The ravens, the eagles.
They would circle the tree outside my window, I’d heard their caws throughout my lifetime.
My love, she tells me the gods have watched over me for years.
The pain and suffering we’ve endured yet somehow overcome in extraordinary ways.
Yet the same signs, the ravens & the eagles.
We’ve both grew up with them.
For now we both know, the gods watch over us and even now continue to show us their mercy.

A text out the blue,
“Hey I’m back in town…I miss you & i overreacted you didn’t deserve that, can we meet up and talk?”
At first I ignored.
Those words kept coming to life in my mind,
As if I could hear her saying the words.
Suddenly I hear the words of Della and others,
Telling me how I shouldn’t have reacted.
I started feeling the same feelings and telling myself,
“Don’t do it, everyone else makes the choices for you. They leave, you don’t get a say or chance. Everyone else knows best, everything you do is wrong. You can’t feel any emotions or show them. No one likes that, you can’t even have opinions, keep your mouth shut. Everyone else that has been in your life has all left because of you. They all say you’re the problem, you broke what you had. It’s all you. And if you meet up with this amazing wonderful woman, you’ll end up alone again once she gets tired of you. They always have a way out”
My only response to her was,
“I can’t.”
Honestly I’d rather be alone from now on,
And it’s for the best anyway

At the end of the day, after long hours of daily life.
We find ourselves in our separate lives.
The bitter truth of how your love for me was but a lie, and yet I can’t help but wonder if you’d finally led someone else into your trap.
The need to not be alone, the constant want for pity.
I find myself feeling sorry for the poor soul who has wrapped themselves in the web of lies you pulled many times before.
One day I hope they live to see the truth,
Or maybe not.
Either way the sad reality is that one who compels others to stay in their lives only by twisting the truth so they can be the victim.
It’s pathetic and small.
Yet I find myself once again hoping for the best,hoping you find the help you need.
And that one day the lies stop.
Because until then the pain will never go away.
Around and around we go.
We’re all pawns in Her game.
The dead, the broken, the blind.

Can someone explain to me why I have to be the one people take their **** out on?
Like I’m trying to be a good person and be there for the people I care about because **** i don’t want anyone to feel how I do when no one checks on me or really cares for that matter.
But it’s like when I try to, and honestly it’s scary as **** because everyone reacts different,
And It Never Fails!
They snap at me and then somehow I’m just an ******* who doesn’t actually care about them and I’m just “acting”.
Seriously?
Please by all that is good and sacred please can everyone in my life for once just take all their **** out on someone else and notice that I actually am here and I actually am trying to be there for them?
No?
Well ****.

I will make them all regret the day they turned their backs on me.
I will rise above more than they could ever accomplish.
I do not believe that the gods have protected me from death numerous times just so I live a small pathetic life like they all wanted me to.
In one way or another they’ve all tried to make me into their own perceptions.
They all have their ideas of me, yet they all made the mistake that they know me.
Or know what they’ve created,
How much I’ve let happen because I believe that people can care about you.
It’s a disgusting lie they tell themselves.
The truth is I was the fool for telling them parts of me that they ultimately used for their own gain.
I’ve been belittled, degraded, betrayed.
I am the fool,
Because I believe their disgusting lie.
Now they will regret it.
They will wish they were better than the **** they are.
And this time when they cry for their losses and their pain deep down I hope they know,
I was always the one who tried to protect them.
No more.
By all the gods I pray for vengeance, revenge.

The hardest part….
Was saying those words…
Fists clenched and holding back those burning tears…
“I forgive you…”
And I realized that regardless of how much I was hurt and still hurting, it was time to let go.
Maybe the ones I still love and miss, the ones I care about did and said the things they did because in their minds there was no other way….
They’re human too, maybe they’ve been hurt enough too through out their life…
Those words were spoken aloud and I felt a relief,
Like the pressure dispersed the heaviness evaporated.
It’s not all at once, maybe I’ll have to say “I forgive you” a hundred times a thousand…
Eventually I know…
All the agony, the pain, the hurt the pit in my stomach feeling, the flashbacks, the echoing voices….
It’s all a part of the journey.
I forgive you.

Love is a dangerous thing,
You can put yourself on the line over and over again because you care about that one person so much.
In the end they just leave, they’ll never know much you sacrificed for them.
They don’t care why should they?
Being alone is better.

Never hurt someone who’s only intention was making you happy.
When they showed up to a house that was broken glass everywhere, after seeing the person they love slamming their head against the floor.
In the end no matter what you do,
The wrong one will only use you for a temporary happiness until they get bored or scared.
And in the end you’re just the idiot who gave their all and ended up more broken than when you met them.

I see the demons in the night again,
Itching to torment and fulfill their hateful desires.
Their home lies in the dark quiet hours of the night,
Lately I’ve become more accustomed and welcomed.
Fever and and cold chill down my spine when I wake up from a sound sleep.
Now I no longer wish for sleep,
Only peace.
Eyes yellowed and red, sunken are full of anger and hate.
Yet I’m not afraid,
And I don’t know why.
I don’t even know if they’re dreams anymore or if maybe it’s something else