My depression is my ***** kitchen
Sink filled to the brim with ***** dishes
Old food left stuck in waiting
Much like the thoughts in my head,
I have to get water from the bathroom sink,
In theory rinsing them after sounds so easy
But just the thought reminds of the summer I spent working for my dad power washing old fences.

My depression is my unbrushed hair thrown in a bun everyday
Knots left stuck in waiting
Much like the thoughts in my head,
I tell people I do the same thing because I’m not good at doing hair but I used to love it,
In theory running a brush through it sound so easy
But just the thought reminds me of when I sprained both my wrists and my body starts to twinge

My depression is the fake teeth stuck in my mouth
Because self destruction was never an
Option
Now it’s become another excuse to avoid connection
Much like the thoughts in my head

I tell people I’m shy
I tell people I don’t have much in common with anyone else
But in my head we’ve become best friends

My depression is the outside stillness
Because the unmatched chaos in my head leaves no energy for much else
It’s being tired after I’ve slept
It’s being hopeless after my personal church
It’s being trapped after another hand touches mine
It’s being mute with a series of novels to speak
It’s anesthesia awareness
It’s not being in a dungeon but being the dungeon itself
It’s being in a glass box all filled with water but a corner left of air
I’m pressed up against to breathe but keep gulping in water
Knowing it’s just a matter of time

I hear your name every day
Against my will
Sometimes it starts in the morning
After a dream
Sometimes not long after waking up
In the songs I listen to while I drink my tea

Sometimes on licenses plates
Because it’s such a short ******* name
Sometimes being called out in the streets
Because it’s such a common ******* name

Sometimes buzzing in my brain
Honey soaked name
Sticks to the folds of my gray matter
While the white waits around for its weekly drip

Sometimes your name feels like Voldemort
Sometimes your name feels like a Crucifix
Sometimes your names feels like a direction
Sometimes your names feels like a 404 error
Sometimes your name feels like a bag around my head
Sometimes your name feels like a stepping stone
Sometimes your name feels like medicine
Sometimes your name feels like a sickness
Sometimes your name feels like home
Sometimes your name feels like an anti-hero
Sometimes your name feels like deprivation

Just thinking about being open to someone makes my body cringe
A harsh tingle curves my spine
And that’s  just the reaction  
To my mind

In real life all traces of attention and focus
Run away from me
And the sides of my eyes tinge black
If boldness was full bodied
I’d be a paper doll
All I can do is change outfits
Maybe add a new do
A nice winter scarf
Your favorite pair of my shoes

Little hints
Of something with dimensions
But nothing more

Rip me up when you start to see
The creases, the wrinkles
Maybe donate me to someone underprivileged

Love me without motive
Fill me not with void
When we spoon
Grasp me when your non dominant hand
So when your knife fingers cut right through me
Your aim isn’t as accurate

Where have you been my poet friend?
My forest without trees
My honey ***
With its side cracked
Repelling all the bees

Where have you gone?
My unfinished song
My note without a tune
My secret long unkept
Lyrically eating with a spoon

In your absence
I’ve cleaned trash from streets
Planted and picked a garden of lovely sweets
And even felt the kiss of eternal peace
But still I speak
to the aberration in the room

Forthwith forthright
Shaken by my runes
I leave a trail of crumbs
Leading to my tomb

Georgette wrinkled by force
And will
Spun by universal magnet
Small space between sets of finger tips
Open a room woozy and uncertain
A reunion grasped right and held close
A team of hips sway in rudimentary crass
sartorius pronouncements like that of fine tongue
Linger in wisps of flair
Elegant syncopation lifts the heaviest of airs  
And
chaînés chaînés chaînés chaînés

If you want to get to know me
Don’t speak
I’ve placed myself here
With elegant intention
In observation
In purpose
Your un-will
Has met mine
And they have entangled
To create new

I ate your truth
Of fermented fruit
It left me dizzy in a sense of self

Time went fishing
Caught a boot
Rocked the boat
Stained refute
Belly Hungered
Persistent ache
Then to tip
From his self made wake

If I ever rid myself
Of
You
I’m not sure if I would
Sink
Or
Float

Feed my soul with words that have meaning
Even if they’re not pretty
I don’t want shallow attempts
to paint the truth with limited false belief
I want substance
Even when the truth is covered in blemishes that gush black informality
Even when the truth exhales acidic breath
Even when the truth looks like untamed locks
Even when the truth looks like the translucent veil between pain and sanity
Even when the truth has bonded with chemical receptivity  
Even when the truth is vulnerable and shaking
Even when the truth feels like drinking fire

I want to roll around in reality and determine for myself what is “good” and what is “bad”

Weak and fair eyed
Tongue to teeth
Cavities set in
Life's too sweet
Sung high notes
Ears began to bleed
And all the while
You cling to greed

I listen for one voice in maze of white noise
Nonsense dribbles in and pounds on a drum
Startling me into a ****** plateau
Fluctuations are never wanted more
A cliff to crumble beneath my being
Or a sea to crash me ashore
White noise taunts me
The ghost of a ghost
Withers against the deep curve of my back
Posture writhing in tension
Heart beats in subtle frequency
And blatant apprehension
Music, I crave music

Annoyance to clarify
The leftover boundaries when sweeping life into dustpan
Deficiencies that crawl up your esophagus
And claw at your gag relax until your mouth is forced open and you spit out a bulk of *******
You really had no control
It’s not your fault so you move on to more pleasantries and pretense of pretending and a never ending
A repetition
A decomposition
Of who you are
Until you stumble upon something with a sparkle and you do your damndest to make that **** dull

Sitting on top an apex
My legs started to fall asleep
Stood up for a few seconds
Fell to the bottom

I tire
Of fire
My skin
In need
Of rest

Topography
An eye can see
Each moment
That I lived

Dents and such
Wrinkles much
Meaty
Glossy
Sieve

There is an upending resistance
That is my equivalent in every way
Energetically we are all related
Some us just feel more remorse
Which is noble only in the most human of ways

I can't say that I've made the best decisions
There is constant dividing
a crippling devision
Atmospheric focal point
of a five foot incision
Viewing seconds in awareness
of foreboding circumcision
An optical submission
Leaving every thought and opinion    cleanly risen
In a prison
Of supervision
Burning the cuts on my fingers
Squeezing lemons of ambition

Lack of Pain = Lack of Poetry
And that hurts.

Competitively dysfunctional

In lightheartedness and aloof

Teeter tottering

Puddings in the proof

I'm stuffed
Belly all a swell

Nothings best
Nothings left
But to bid you well

It's good to have limitations
Not expectations
Except sometimes it's good to expect no limitations

Grieving grief
As most of us are apt to do
Startling reflections
Seen in a whole new view
Stifling malaise
Giving up obscenity
For glowing window blaze
The night can't get much darker
Until comes a brighter phase
Grieving grief
Like a moon starved sage

If I made it through the night
Believing you weren't my own
Would your blood be effervescent
With oddities?
Would they raise ideas,
Possibilities of possibilities?
Would boundlessness ensue?
Would you be barefoot of
Illogical unrarities?
I would fall in line
But I have to have insanely absolute certainty.

I can't disappear because I won't
My reach is limited
But can easily be changed in the hardest way
Resistance can be reduced
Energetic pulses
Meld

Through the fire,
The window,
And six screams,

Were visions of

Elegantly placed

Dainty airy things

Silhouettes
Of heads and legs
And wings

Mouths emitting

Orbs of shiny tings

Fingers that painted
The
Wind like circled dreams


I froze,  
My mind stilled

My breath
Concrete
Blowing off steam

We would always get petty
Not for the sake of being petty
But for the sake of love

It's different when the weather starts to wear
When the insects sound ****** and refrain
When the sky begins the tear
And the moon begins to wane

When storms hesitate to speak
And the rain begins to wile
When the wind neglects to keep
And the world calms for just a while

It's similar to fare
Indebted to such recourse
For the burden we do bear
The calm ends with wretched force

A hello from my Estranged Acidic Lover
Mixed with the scent of Lysol Wipes
I was using to scrub the Oven Door
Left me with a Metalic Taste
That raised my Iron Levels
I grew Irritable and Irrational
The beads of my sweat turned Silver
Plink plink fell to The Ground
With a heavy Speed
So I grabbed my Broom and Dustpan
Swept up the teared Weight
Covering the Floor
Before I could Slip
And threw them in the Trash

We are holding the same spot
In different spaces
It's confusing
Like a ring
For energy
To jump through
We stand still
It passes
We are not the Tamer
Or the lion

We call everything with a predictable outcome attractive.

Seeing so many signs
I'm scared I'm schizophrenic
An injection needed
Individual pandemic
Destruction is the only cure
To
Beading my head slowly

Just enough to ensure
Of the gap I muddled over
Be faintly seen
In obvious undercover
A seed of confusion
That never grows
But remains securely
In precise finger poked rows

I'm beautiful because of what I embody
Not my body

I think if you tried one more time
You'd be surprised with your results.

Dusty sky
Grounds taken assault
Fireworks going off
And we're all at fault

Running into locked doors
Making fists
Bite my tongue
Hold back my own wrist

Causes what is life
When it all starts to switch
It's all broke
Still see no need to fix

Windows shake
At the will of bass
Move my hips
Squish my face

What's this taste
Salted rim
Dressed in black
Speech is grim

Taking steps
Left face then about
Pull my hair
Live in the clouds

It can't rain
If your looking above it
Ignore the atmosphere  
Forget all about it

Wear some boots
Stomp around
Ain't no feeling here
It's all blocked by the sound

If just for a moment
You could forget who you are
Could live the opposite
Breathing in tar

The world would be at a stand still
Milled in movement
No space to breath
No spot for improvement
Always the teacher
Never the student
Who wants to be told what they already know
Rather freeze in weather
Breathe in the snow

Icicle eyes
Blue lips
Keeping shaking baby
Then nothing can slip

It's taken a bit of time to get used to the pull of the push
The electricity you give off has left me seizing
Often I find myself on my hands and knees
Flooded and grieving
Little memories with large headstones
Read such a short lived life
But as it goes the good die young
It's what hits the hardest
Squandered potential
At the will of living ghosts
What could've been
And what was so close
We became restricted by pieces that don't exist
By walls and ropes and chains and cuffs
And gaps and mountains and ridges and bluffs
I'm walking on both feet but **** my
mind has landed somewhere else
And on impact has completely split in two
From the pull and the push of being swept up in you

Letters on pigeon
Or sent in a bottle
Love is nothing like the movies
You just give it away without
Knowing if it gets received or reciprocated or reviewed
And then nothing else because love doesn't expect anything in return
It's magical torture

You've left me breathless
Silence is my fortress
And If I step behind me
The hands on the clock will spin uncontrollably
Along with my head
My eyes would look like the Cat on a cuckoo clock
Frantically aware of each passing hour

Impromptu reminiscence,

You said you bled black
But even the spot where you would park
Is shimmering in rainbow
complexion

How vexing it is for you to hear
Every time you attempted to
smear
You simply left shine

Occasionally the mask we wear gives away more than our face ever could

And the hammer to break the box that reads "just in case"
Is,not hidden, in your left side pocket

What you want is yours when you believe you deserve it
In fact you already have it
You've just forgot where you last set it

God himself told me let him go
      Still I couldn't

A dark entity
Gained entry
All I could do was watch
As he rancorously entered me
The manner of his position was
zig zag with sharp corners
He hunched rolling his neck with each push
A distasteful pleasure marked my outsides
A familiar feeling to the rest
I was stuck still in peaceful protest
Now he's apart of me he said
Each centimeter locked in my chest
Afterwards he sat downing a relieving sigh
As his eyes scanned my naked body
Trumpeting to himself she is now mine

I can sing an empty tune
Air in perfect pitch
A silent temptress
Moaning inadvertently
Who should I become?
Now that I've ridden the wave of these vibrations?
And laid in the sweat
That I pored from ancient temptations
Romance is simplicity
But how I quake in the pupil of complexity
And sometimes your over composition
Gives offense and is blind.
    Along with my five feelings a minute
But it works because you bore easy
The flaw lies in our trained disposition
    Of unempathetic nervous systems
Placing bets
Because assupmtion feeds more mouths than a herd of cattle ever could

Is the only
Thing you
Can't manipulate

Even in certain circles in certain minds
in certain frames at certain times
We can't know what's true
And misconstrue can ring like
Miss you too

Self titles
Reign demeaning
And a finished product
Watched like a B-Rated pre-screening
Fed my gray matter
But the rest of me is depleting

Craig Morgan's playing baseball
Elliot Smith in the background screaming
Drinking OJ, it's how the Kardashians got there money,
Nothing good even came from the cover, trust me it didn't.

"She's in your hands now
Treat her like a Princess
You gotta respect her mind and her body"

"Welcome to Shaboom Shaboom"

The truth is the truth
Even if it's a lie
In misconception,
Lurking nearby,
Is a revelation
From which no one can hide