placed flowers
on my grave for the final time
accepting that my casket
was empty
only storing
my former self
my shadow
i had risen
becoming one with the sky
elevating effortlessly
towards the sun
growing rapidly
the time i wasted
mourning the past
cannot compare
to the joy that
cometh in the morning

we are
ONE
we are
unique
we are also
one of many
our presence is needed
for the greater good
love your neighbor
become selfless not selfish
healing
a new earth
will not come to pass
until we polish
the golden rule

pray
talk
cry
love
***
laugh
your way through it...
...whatever "it" is

no good at taking criticism
not because i am perfect
only because my efforts
are worth it
i possess a fortitude
that is quiet yet vigorous
seemingly passive
when in fact i am passionate
incredibly willing
to go the distance
pursuing the desires
of my heart
with a herculean
durability
that is the envy
of many
let me be
for you will see
i am giving up a lot of
the unnecessary
in order to be free

the couples go out
enjoying each other
taking it all for granted
that the freedom
they have is not
given to everybody
where is my help at

so skilled at throwing
them in my back
but terrible at
pulling them out
the knives
you force into my spine
do not
paralyze me
i have become
immune
i can still walk
i will still walk
this resilience
is ordained

a basket of fruit
was all there was
to offer
in exchange for the pain
naturally sweet
we reconciled
resuming the intimacy
that was missing
for so long
agave tears
dripped
on our lips
the former resentment
we had for one another
has been transformed
into peace

sweet baby
can't you see
what you mean
to me
or are you blinded
by delusion
profound confusion
a fog, a haze
you have been stuck
in this for way
too many days
creating an imaginary
maze
the restraints
are false
if you are not careful
you will lose it all

i cannot help
to bounce when
i walk
i cannot dilute
the sugar in my talk
i cannot erase the
slight sway
in my hips
or the honey
that seems to drip
from my lips
the people
turn and stare
enamored by
my curly hair
it took me
lifetimes to accept
the beauty inside
that society rejects
i keep the voodoo
in my back pocket
while storing
lustful attention
in my locket
many beg to love me
few dare to rise
to the occasion
i wonder how
i was gifted with such
persuasion

thoughts racing
decision making
old ways fading
new dreams i am creating

he lives in germany
but we are just friends

he lives around the corner
but he is afraid of his urges

he lives with his wife
drinking iced coffee and settling

he lives for me
but i would not die for him

he lives with his mom
so we can never meet up

he lives with demons
and i am no exorcist

he lives alone
but his heart is occupied

he lives nowhere
modern-day nomad

he lives in canada
with no desire to return

he lives in baldwin hills
but cannot afford all of his bills

he lives in south central
with no bars on his windows

he lives on the east coast
dedicated to success

he lives in the dorms
studying medicine

he lives on camera
but is dead behind closed doors

he lives....

he lives in my head
but i already know
i do not occupy a thought
in his

will you promise to
take the pain away
i need a solid yes
i heard you are more
than capable
but....
i hear you are dangerous
an acquired high
an ultimately ferocious ride
i just want to feel the numbness
the euphoria
the bliss
for this feeling
i am more than willing
to gamble
with my life
life always takes a gamble
on me
two can play this game
call me vivica

it is astounding
how you taste so good
but offer me no
real nutritional value
no real benefit
i just sop you up
without hesitation
without any inquisition

She stayed with
a church hat on
and peppermint candy
in her pocketbook
a razor next to her *****
flashy yet classy
cheetah or leopard print
on the off days
her voice transported
all who heard it
back to kinston, north carolina
with a mouth full of either
***** or green tea
she was an anomaly
she was a blessing
a woman who
stayed awake
to ensure her children
and their children
and their children
would have sweet dreams
dreams that would become
their reality
she was joy personified
unconditional love
i knew her
i loved her
i am her
for she is
within me
i owe her
nothing less than
undying strength
the same strength that
brought her from
the rural banks of kinston
to the cracked sidewalks
of watts
to her own home
in compton
to her final days
in the california desert
the same strength
that carried her back
home
to the loving arms
of God
and her rightful place
in Paradise

in order to awaken
i must first fall asleep
i must dream
i must experience
a few nightmares
i must die
in order to be reborn
why must i fear
when i know ascension
is near

the more
one lingers
the more
one
becomes resistant to
transformation
on the other side of the game
is where abundance
will be found
but first
in order to attain
the treasure
one seeks
one must accept
that they are the treasure
themselves

beauty will only
show up in the mirror
once you liberate yourself
from the solitary confinement
of your mind

....give it time

he has had enough
yet he longs for 1 last
touch
is that asking for too much?

has his lust become a crutch?
has his morality met its finality?
does he know when to stop?
or does he crave being on top?

questions, questions
many to be asked
none to be answered
it is his show

i am just the dancer

I run the road
Beat the street
Cruise for another
Looking for me

Searching high and low
For it is only in
The moonlight
That I seem to glow

Seedy places
Repugnant bars
With too many
Empty faces

Matching their soul
The type of people
Looking for a solution
In a glass or a bowl

*******
Mary Jane
The darkness is endless
I wish I could explain

I had to remind myself
That I was enough
Replacing my unworthiness
With empowerment
I gathered the audacity
To stare at my reflection
No longer would
I let myself
Die slowly
No longer was I willing
To succumb to this prolonged death
One day
I will clasp
My hands together
And feel the touch of God
Until then....
I will continue to grow
Flourishing into the garden
I have neglected
The flowers I am watering
Will no longer be placed
On my casket
These will be used
For celebrations only
For birthdays, for my wedding
For the birth of my child
For my rebirth

I shimmied my way
Down the coastline of California
And somehow ended up
In Quebec
I thought I was headed
In the right direction
But my compass lied
Just like you have done
Repeatedly
Just as I have done
Subconsciously
It is time for me
To divorce myself
From illusions
It is time I accepted that
This smoke is a warning
Of a fire

An ocean lies between us
Mirroring the peace
I have searched deserts for
The further away from you
I am
The further away from my memory
You go

The moment I realized
I could no longer differentiate
Between my lover and God
Was the first step
In this process of elimination
One must first admit
That they have a problem

I invite your collision
No matter how fatal
The crash might be
At least we will be
Reunited on the other
Side of Heaven

i loved you
beyond sanity
beyond common sense
i would have stolen
a ******
just to give you a child
knowing you would
have followed in
your father’s footsteps
and walked out of our lives

i dug up the plants
you forced me to tend to
turns out
they were just weeds
absorbing the water
that would have
actually created
my garden

shrouded in mystery
a quest into myself
diving into a deep state
of solitude and introspection
i see you
i know you
i am you
yet something is off
until the puzzle
that is you
reveals itself to me
i will never truly
know myself
i am calling upon
your name
from the delta
to farish street
i will forever wander
until you
show yourself
in your totality
the sorrow
the resentment
the blood
the rage
the beauty
i need to witness
all of it
i need to witness
all of it

moments like these
full of teeth and laughter
are as close as i will get
to Heaven
i never forget to
honor the blessings
that you embody
not everybody has this
not everybody knows what this is
this is home

you really got married
while my finger remains bare
i still leave
the porch light on
hoping you will
be there

i'm losing weight again
it's hard to force myself
to eat like a glutton
i'm not sad or anything
i just don't have the time
i stay on the run

talk to me nice and sweet
but say what you mean boy
i'm no detective
it is not my job to read
between the lines
your attraction
no matter how ashamed
you have been taught to be
is no crime
you treat me
like an option
instead of a requirement
cause at the end of the day
we both know
i am what you need
but i cannot force you
to breathe
if you keep suffocating yourself

an unforeseen pain
a burst of misery
potentially fatal
this hurt cannot be described

i met him on a tuesday
he became my meantime
in between time
after work
before work
i had to have a hit
his scent was
the perfect balance
of ***** and shea butter
a proud igbo man
through him
i connected to the motherland
through him
i almost disconnected from reality

is it financial?
is it spiritual?
is it mental?
is it truly all in my head?
this anguish cannot be seen
as it is intrinsic
fear morphs into laziness
or is it really laziness?
i don't think i need
to be here anymore
triggered sporadically
i dream of my death
so graphically
what does life have
to offer
besides treasures
that are not promised
and guaranteed heartache
my heart cannot afford
to break anymore
the sad thing is
no particular person
is breaking it

We tether ourselves
Voluntarily or involuntarily
Then paint the chains gold
Wishing on 11:11
For riches untold
Little do we know
We are solidifying
The mold
When will we learn
To surrender & let go
When will we grow weary
Of rehearsing the same show
We must orchestrate our own assassination
Before we are cursed
To damnation

an administration
that does not admonish
the adversity personified
must be banished
until this takes place
hate will never vanish

paper can be made
without having to cut my trees down
out of laziness
you are eager to obliterate
what God made

I go to sleep
Hoping to see you
In my dreams
Missing you
Is a subtle way
Of putting it

the foundation was built on shaky ground
that sat upon ancestral graveyards
unmarked yet unable
to be disregarded
this house was painted
with my blood
which contains prostitution
anguish and ****
the pillage continues
menstruations of my foremothers
contribute to this particular
shade of scarlet
a hue that is beautiful
from a distance
even when photographed
until one experiences
the stench of it
in person
love is absent here
sorrow is abundant
but even trauma
can give birth
to splendor

to all the boys i've lusted before
you were never what i needed
you were never what i deserved
you were never competent
of giving me the love
i was entitled to
the love i am entitled to
i sold myself short
giving myself a measurable discount
i kept quiet
when i wanted to yell
i played a part in this
as much as you do
i was a staple on your casting couch
i auditioned
i won the leading role
or the love interest perhaps
then i realized there
was no love there at all
no love to be interested in at least
i always had an understudy
sometimes i was aware of them
other times they came as a surprise
my heart was fractured
but not broken
to think i broke a leg
**** near every show
for you
and you
and you too
no more
i am the writer of my own production
the director
the producer
and everything in between
right down to craft services
our visions no longer align
i am finally
independent

searching for home
we found it in each other
a refuge in the midst of mayhem
love in a time of hate
trump's america
this love blooms
it continues to flourish
it continues to demolish
the walls we have built
to protect ourselves from peril
this love
our love
will save us
in the same way big mama's
jesus is said to
our passion is the savior
we have been awaiting
the second coming
all have anticipated
lies within us
it has been on the horizon
all along

thoughts
the thought of your hand
in mine
your tongue playing tag
with mine
your bare chest
pressed against mine...
these thoughts
run repetitively
through my cerebrum
dreaming of how it
feels to take turns
with you
i taste like pineapples and mangoes
i promise
turn my reverie into reality

was i the toxic person
in your story?
did you mistake my intentions?
i now see the error in my ways
i want to right my wrongs
will you forgive me?

the need to escape
is beyond real
much like the struggle
this place is hazardous
a threat to my health
mentally & physically
i was never fulfilled here
although i had spells of hope
i soon began to realize
there was nothing at the end
of this rainbow
just fool's gold
keep your counterfeit
smiles to match the counterfeit dollars
you attempt to pay me with
i'd rather be paid in trident layers
than to fake another day
in this place
that is consumed with an invisible fire
it is a travesty that you are immune to the same flames
that will lead to your eradication

the hurt and sadness
inside of you
has merged into
a dire form of animosity
you have mistakenly directed
towards me
your bitterness
towards me
has caused blindness
you have lost the
ability to see
that i am not the 1

leave the bone in
tonight baby
at least for a moment longer
take it out
whenever you get ready
boneless just ain't the same

find me nestled between
genesis & revelation
i can be your beginning
or i can be your end
meditate on your approach
i only react
based on what i am given
to work with

it was you all along
i thought it was me
i apologized profusely
my cries were ignored
you blamed me
i did too
drove myself to the brink of insanity
so often that i knew
the back roads
all along
it was you

what was once pure
has now been disturbed
what was once beautiful
has now been distorted
what was once honest
has now been corrupted
the tide has turned
joy has been disrupted
at one time bliss runneth over
now unrelenting scorn has erupted

Knee deep

I stepped into the water

Not as a form of surrender

Rather an expression of my power

I could no longer stand

Staying on your ship

Therefore I had to leave

You said leaving

Would be the death of me

Death would be euphoric

Opposed to the torment

I would continue to suffer

At your hands

If I decided to stay on board

In this moment

I rise

Only to sink

Meeting God

While ridding myself

Of the devil

That you are

The demons you attempted

To bestow upon me

Experiencing my final baptism

Knowing that

I am sacrificing my flesh

The oxygen in my lungs

I will finally be free

A slave no more

A slave no more