will you promise to
take the pain away
i need a solid yes
i heard you are more
than capable
but....
i hear you are dangerous
an acquired high
an ultimately ferocious ride
i just want to feel the numbness
the euphoria
the bliss
for this feeling
i am more than willing
to gamble
with my life
life always takes a gamble
on me
two can play this game
call me vivica

it was you all along
i thought it was me
i apologized profusely
my cries were ignored
you blamed me
i did too
drove myself to the brink of insanity
so often that i knew
the back roads
all along
it was you

was i the toxic person
in your story?
did you mistake my intentions?
i now see the error in my ways
i want to right my wrongs
will you forgive me?

he drives me crazy
in the best way
he elicits
emotions
effortlessly
i will follow
him barefoot
for miles
just for a
fraction of his time
in return
giving him
this heart of mine

You handpicked the name
Of our son
A beautiful one
A conception that never occurred
No apologies not even a word
But that name
Was the sweetest
I had ever heard

I grieve for our son
Even though he was
Just an idea
I grieve for our son
As if he were really here

died a million times
before i surrendered
being born again
looks nothing
like i imagined

I became accustomed to
Being the savior
Being the healer
Being whatever you needed
Offering my body
For you to act out your
Passion and anger on
Often times when we made love
I felt an unbalanced mixture
Of both emotions
Fluctuating between my femininity & masculinity
Whatever you needed, I was
Soft when you were in distress
Hard when you needed a reminder
That I was still a man
The passion caused me to stay
The anger caused me to drift away...

talk to me nice and sweet
but say what you mean boy
i'm no detective
it is not my job to read
between the lines
your attraction
no matter how ashamed
you have been taught to be
is no crime
you treat me
like an option
instead of a requirement
cause at the end of the day
we both know
i am what you need
but i cannot force you
to breathe
if you keep suffocating yourself

This place
Continues
To move
Steadily
As above
So below
I have seen
Glimpses
Of The Promised Land
I know where
I need to go
As above
So below
Growth
Does not ask
For permission
It forces you
Into submission
Until you become
Secure in your
Position
As above
So below
We are unconsciously
Interconnected
A reflection
Of one another
In this realm
Of imperfection
As above
So below
You and I
Will never know
Until we
Try
You and I
Must uncover
Our individual purpose
Before we die

is it financial?
is it spiritual?
is it mental?
is it truly all in my head?
this anguish cannot be seen
as it is intrinsic
fear morphs into laziness
or is it really laziness?
i don't think i need
to be here anymore
triggered sporadically
i dream of my death
so graphically
what does life have
to offer
besides treasures
that are not promised
and guaranteed heartache
my heart cannot afford
to break anymore
the sad thing is
no particular person
is breaking it

i had to
get out of
there
before i
drowned
in the desert
having
swallowed
enough dirt
back to back
i was drowning
so deep in
the depths
of the desert
i craved
for water
the water i
held on to
afraid to release
the water
i was
searching for
came to
the surface
it poured
out
reviving
the barren
valley
bringing back
the greenery
it was once known
for
the greenery
it had not
felt in
so long

Knee deep

I stepped into the water

Not as a form of surrender

Rather an expression of my power

I could no longer stand

Staying on your ship

Therefore I had to leave

You said leaving

Would be the death of me

Death would be euphoric

Opposed to the torment

I would continue to suffer

At your hands

If I decided to stay on board

In this moment

I rise

Only to sink

Meeting God

While ridding myself

Of the devil

That you are

The demons you attempted

To bestow upon me

Experiencing my final baptism

Knowing that

I am sacrificing my flesh

The oxygen in my lungs

I will finally be free

A slave no more

A slave no more

room 109
is where
i await
for your key
to unlock
the door
i hate having
to meet you
like this
but neither
of us
can afford
to be caught
for a few moments
of pleasure
we forget
about each other’s
lovers
it’s beyond complicated
i hate it
sometimes
i think we are
making up
for past lives
where we almost
had it all
i am done
chasing you
for another lifetime
this is it
this is all i have
to offer
this is all
you can afford
to reciprocate
i accept it
with resentment
my pleas
for commitment
are met with
rejection
never once
did i state
i desired perfection
....i just
wanted admiration
public displays
of affection
dinner dates
movie nights
monogamy
game nights
where i let you
win monopoly
a title
some credit
i am so sure
about you
meanwhile
you second guess
my existence
you second guess
your own
this love is
dysfunctional
unconventional
exasperating
but it’s all i have
it’s all i want
you are all
i need
and you
refuse to
accept that
despite the
endless confirmations
you call
i run
i call
you walk
either way
we eventually
meet
and i cherish
all of it
i cherish
all of it

The acceptance
Of your transition
Was solidified
When you told me
Grandpa came
To visit you
In your dreams
I knew it
Would not be
Easy
I just had to
Maintain
In between
My greatest
Inheritance
Was the strength
You gave
To me
Little did
I know
I was preparing
To go into
Battle
A portion
Of my purpose
Was meant to
Rattle
The monotony
Transcend the mundane
Shake it up
Add some color
To what was normally
Plain
Many mornings
I prayed
Many nights
I laid
Before my own
Altar
Awaiting an answer
A resolution
To my agony
There was always
Threat of
A tragedy
A warrior
I was
A warrior
I am
A warrior
I will be
God
Renewed
My vision
So I can now
Help others
To see
Sight is not
Limited to just
Our eyes
Sight
Is gifted to
Those who
Realize
Forces of darkness
Will try
But can never
Harness
Those who
Continue
To fight
Even when
They are tarnished
Those who
Break themselves
Open
In order
To provide
Light
In abandoned
Places
Those willing
To shine
On forgotten
Faces
Evil is forced
To scatter
When LOVE
Confronts hate
It no longer
Matters
The strength
Bestowed
Upon me
Came through
You
Who was the conduit
Fruits of The Spirit
Effortlessly
Grew in your garden
Always in abundance
Never lacking
When it came time
To harvest
As you entered
Each gate
Leading you back
Home
To the New Jerusalem
I was reminded
Of those
Before me
The mighty warriors
I came from
I was reminded
Of who
I am

It takes
Time
Trying to do it
Right
The disappointments
The continuous
Struggle
Often diminishes
My sight
But I know
In my soul
I am bound
For a better life
I know I will
Ascend to
Higher heights
I have no idea
When or
How
But I will never
See my dreams
Turn into
My reality
If I give up now

an administration
that does not admonish
the adversity personified
must be banished
until this takes place
hate will never vanish

sweet baby
can't you see
what you mean
to me
or are you blinded
by delusion
profound confusion
a fog, a haze
you have been stuck
in this for way
too many days
creating an imaginary
maze
the restraints
are false
if you are not careful
you will lose it all

An ocean lies between us
Mirroring the peace
I have searched deserts for
The further away from you
I am
The further away from my memory
You go

i met him on a tuesday
he became my meantime
in between time
after work
before work
i had to have a hit
his scent was
the perfect balance
of ***** and shea butter
a proud igbo man
through him
i connected to the motherland
through him
i almost disconnected from reality

I touch
The tip of Antarctica
As I navigate
Through your heart
Ice caps
Remain unmoved
Solidified
To the surface
Having spread
Gradually
Over the years
Covering
The sea of insecurity
And fears
How did you
Become the glacier
That stands before me
Was this your intention?
Is this your best condition?
Are you willing
To melt with me?
Or stay planted
In the same
Position…

thoughts racing
decision making
old ways fading
new dreams i am creating

so skilled at throwing
them in my back
but terrible at
pulling them out
the knives
you force into my spine
do not
paralyze me
i have become
immune
i can still walk
i will still walk
this resilience
is ordained

I run the road
Beat the street
Cruise for another
Looking for me

Searching high and low
For it is only in
The moonlight
That I seem to glow

Seedy places
Repugnant bars
With too many
Empty faces

Matching their soul
The type of people
Looking for a solution
In a glass or a bowl

*******
Mary Jane
The darkness is endless
I wish I could explain

he lives in germany
but we are just friends

he lives around the corner
but he is afraid of his urges

he lives with his wife
drinking iced coffee and settling

he lives for me
but i would not die for him

he lives with his mom
so we can never meet up

he lives with demons
and i am no exorcist

he lives alone
but his heart is occupied

he lives nowhere
modern-day nomad

he lives in canada
with no desire to return

he lives in baldwin hills
but cannot afford all of his bills

he lives in south central
with no bars on his windows

he lives on the east coast
dedicated to success

he lives in the dorms
studying medicine

he lives on camera
but is dead behind closed doors

he lives....

he lives in my head
but i already know
i do not occupy a thought
in his

I go to sleep
Hoping to see you
In my dreams
Missing you
Is a subtle way
Of putting it

an unforeseen pain
a burst of misery
potentially fatal
this hurt cannot be described

I am tired of
Having a
Bittersweet relationship
With myself
I will elevate others
With one hand
While beating myself
With the other

beauty will only
show up in the mirror
once you liberate yourself
from the solitary confinement
of your mind

....give it time

The trepidation
Proceeds
The precipitation
Forming clouds
Over the walls
I have built
For protection
Constructed
After my peace
Became interrupted
This is new
For me
This is natural
To you
We moved faster
Than any imminent
Disaster
Your waves
Attacked
My shore
Although
It was unexpected
You are exactly
What I have been
Waiting for
Praying for
A new set of
Keys
A brand new
Door
Let’s elope
Let’s find hope
They will say
We have lost
Our minds
I believe
This is the
Perfect time
A time to
Love
A time to
Embrace
A time to
Get lost
In space
Not literally
But figuratively
I want to
Cross
Galaxies
With you
Stargaze
Get lost in
The maze
With you
Our love
Is not bound
By this dimension
Our love
May be full of
Contradictions
One thing for certain
Is we are
The solution
To each other’s
Afflictions
This is love
Sprinkled
With
Just the appropriate
Amount of
Addiction

i loved you
beyond sanity
beyond common sense
i would have stolen
a ******
just to give you a child
knowing you would
have followed in
your father’s footsteps
and walked out of our lives

searching for home
we found it in each other
a refuge in the midst of mayhem
love in a time of hate
trump's america
this love blooms
it continues to flourish
it continues to demolish
the walls we have built
to protect ourselves from peril
this love
our love
will save us
in the same way big mama's
jesus is said to
our passion is the savior
we have been awaiting
the second coming
all have anticipated
lies within us
it has been on the horizon
all along

leave the bone in
tonight baby
at least for a moment longer
take it out
whenever you get ready
boneless just ain't the same

the hurt and sadness
inside of you
has merged into
a dire form of animosity
you have mistakenly directed
towards me
your bitterness
towards me
has caused blindness
you have lost the
ability to see
that i am not the 1

he has had enough
yet he longs for 1 last
touch
is that asking for too much?

has his lust become a crutch?
has his morality met its finality?
does he know when to stop?
or does he crave being on top?

questions, questions
many to be asked
none to be answered
it is his show

i am just the dancer

find me nestled between
genesis & revelation
i can be your beginning
or i can be your end
meditate on your approach
i only react
based on what i am given
to work with

I keep clawing
My way up
The rough side
Of the mountain
I seem to have
Forgotten
If I chose this
Side of the mountain
Or whether it
Was a mistake
However
I don’t recall
There being another option
All sides were rough
Uneven
Sharp
Sometimes…
Fatal
I have also
Forgotten
What I am climbing for
What I am climbing towards
What awaits me
Up there?
Why do I have to climb?
I would have preferred
To take the stairs

Colder than Detroit
I’m losing my voice
I know I can
Leave
But do I really
Have a choice?
We have become
So interwoven
I try to say
The words
But I keep
Choking
I..
I…
I…
Need something new
I need to leave
You
What once worked
Is broken now
I tried to fix
This
I tried to remix
This
It’s too far gone
Hope is lost
The longer we
Linger
The greater the cost
The damage is done
We had our fun
We saw the sun
Every time
Trouble came
We would run
Changing our address
Changing our numbers
Now we are encumbered
Ravaged
There’s no possibility
Of repair
I should have been
Prepared
Yet I find myself
In a state of despair
You promised
To take care
Of me
You were supposed
To be
The one for me
The waves in my sea
The home
I longed to be
Although
This was inevitable
It still feels
Unforeseen

come from a line
of down south negroes
who made sorrow
taste like mangoes
one of a kind
heroes
that continue
to show me
where to go
grandma was a planner
grandfather was a gambler
big mama was a handler
grandaddy was a scammer
she was a go getter
he could be a killer
when necessary
against much opposition
they decided to
marry
drowning out
the cries
of both sides
why was it
other people’s concern
they were not the
ones who had
to learn
a life
they built
together
many riches
they hoped
to earn
doll loved daddy
daddy loved doll
maybe they were
supposed to be together
after all

the purple light
floated towards me
and a blaze
consumed it
the closer it came
a voice spoke
reminiscent
of the burning bush
that guided
Moses
“pack up and keep moving”
i was bewildered
She repeated
“pack up and keep moving”
initially hesitant
i felt a peace
surround me
a peace that i
internalized
a peace
that suddenly
made sense
i could no
longer remain
stagnant
in a situation
that would
only continue
dimming
my light
She knew
i knew
that the masquerade
had long been over
Her light
guided me
to higher heights
Her light
reminded me
that I was
bound for
higher ground
the sea parted
and with each
step forward
the burdens fell
with each step
i gained strength
it was as if
She
was the conduit
to God
that I had long
been disconnected
from
thank you for pushing
me
for walking behind me
beside me
and in front
of me
protecting me
from the weapons
that formed
but never prospered
thank you
for your
light
thank you for
your footsteps
that i happen
to fit
perfectly

Something told me
To drive to your
House
Instead of calling
When I met you
Downstairs
I could tell
You were stalling…
Not sure if
We were in love
But I was
Certainly falling
Then I hit
The ground
I shattered
And still I rose…
That all that
Matters
Now you try
To come back
Around
Such a clown
I’m sorry that
Your mother
Let you down
I’m sorry that
Your father
Was nowhere
To be found
But just because
You have wounds
Does not mean
You can prey
On the ones
That YOU pursue
You are not
Immune to
The truth
Our house
Of love
Was almost
Finished
It just needed
A roof…
Just as a hand
On the stove
Burns
Sometimes
It takes
Heartache
To learn

to all the boys i've lusted before
you were never what i needed
you were never what i deserved
you were never competent
of giving me the love
i was entitled to
the love i am entitled to
i sold myself short
giving myself a measurable discount
i kept quiet
when i wanted to yell
i played a part in this
as much as you do
i was a staple on your casting couch
i auditioned
i won the leading role
or the love interest perhaps
then i realized there
was no love there at all
no love to be interested in at least
i always had an understudy
sometimes i was aware of them
other times they came as a surprise
my heart was fractured
but not broken
to think i broke a leg
**** near every show
for you
and you
and you too
no more
i am the writer of my own production
the director
the producer
and everything in between
right down to craft services
our visions no longer align
i am finally
independent

This secret
Makes me cringe
Without pain
Being inflicted on me
The pain comes from within
A secret I'll try to keep
With me until I'm one with
The earth
I can't sleep sometimes
I overeat sometimes
This secret I can barely
Keep at times
They say that it's hard
To be free
And I feel like it's
Just hard to be me
The real me
Not who you see
Or what I wish I could and
Pretend to be
I look in the mirror sometimes
And if some one held me
At gunpoint
I'd be dead because
I couldn't tell you who I was
Or who I am
This secret has me doubting
Everything
My love, my God, & my dreams
Even had me angry about my sexuality
But why'd it have to happen
To me
From the time
That the hand with cruel intentions
Was laid upon me
The power that I had left
The confidence that I had left
The joy that I had left
The person that I was
Intended to be had left
So what else do I have left?
A dream, a vague image
A memory of who I was
And who I could be today
Yeah they called me names
Called me strange
Called me a freak
Among other names
From then on
I knew I had to change
Nothing about ME
Could stay the same
Yet through my transformation
And all of the frustration
I still couldn't escape the pain
Liquor only does a temporary job
**** don't do a thing
I live the life of a poor man
When I should be a king
But then again
I let you take away everything
Today I come back
To reclaim what is rightfully mine
All of the time I have wasted
And returning all of that poisonous
Hate that I have tasted
It's not going to be easy
It won't be done in the morning
But slowly
Over time
I will give myself the greatest gift
That is greater than any present
Under a Christmas tree
I will give myself the gift
Of me

The moment I realized
I could no longer differentiate
Between my lover and God
Was the first step
In this process of elimination
One must first admit
That they have a problem

that no good man
of mine
stays returning unannounced
every time i think i
got rid of him
here he comes
knocking on my back door
sometimes he lets himself
in
i forget that he always
has a spare key
i change the locks
he just gets a new key
in the past
i would give it
to him
then i started hiding it
he found it every time
he breaks in now
with no shame
laughing at my pain
tormenting me
such a *******
he always finds me
no matter how many times
i run away

no good at taking criticism
not because i am perfect
only because my efforts
are worth it
i possess a fortitude
that is quiet yet vigorous
seemingly passive
when in fact i am passionate
incredibly willing
to go the distance
pursuing the desires
of my heart
with a herculean
durability
that is the envy
of many
let me be
for you will see
i am giving up a lot of
the unnecessary
in order to be free

wishing i could
write these emotions
down on paper
or paint them
on a canvas
drained
disappointed
distorted
are just a few ways
you make me feel
but it is not
you alone
it is you
it is me
it is the boys
from the past
who have yet to
become men
stagnant beings
with peter pan
as their father figure
why do i
set myself up
repeatedly
hoping
you and the lost boys
will follow the path
out of neverland

his words are like honey
slow and sweet
sticking to your ear drums
seeping into your brain
but at some point
they turn sour
too bitter
to replay

his minuscule amount
of jealousy
seems playful
at first
before it erupts
only to rival pompeii

his fist
punches the wall
that eventually becomes
your face
layers of pancake mix
can barely cover
the pain

yet your deepest wound
is intrinsic

i love you so much
to life not to death
please baby
here me when i say...
GET OUT!

the couples go out
enjoying each other
taking it all for granted
that the freedom
they have is not
given to everybody
where is my help at

always been a lone wolf
howling at a full moon
wondering will i find
my lover soon

always been the best man
have yet to be the groom
please baby
get here by noon

i dream about you
but i never see your face
whenever i think of you
my heart begins to race

been searching all over the place
but is it you i really want
or do i just enjoy
the chase ?

convulsions
overtake me
stirring my spirit
inciting me
to call you
in hopes
that you invite
me over
we have been
long overdue
for a
conversation
a conversation
with no words
nobody has
been able to
reach me
the way you
have
nobody has
had access
to do so
i don’t even
drink henny
anymore
but with you
i finish half
of the bottle
you are my paramore
you are my only
exception