Okay let's get the etiquette straight
I walk towards you, i nod
You nod back
Works all around the world
What doesn’t work, is, you stopping
Stopping is bad
It’s a protocol thing
One must never stop and engage one
You just don’t do it
I really don’t want to know about your corns
Don’t give a crap about your lumbago
The price of fish doesn’t interest me
Old Mrs Jones died this time
Sure she’ll be missed
Your wife’s having an affair
How are your corns
They really can be painful i’m told
That lumbago
I could recommend a good chiropractor
The price of fish these days, shocking
Old Mrs Jones
God, i’ll miss her
Is that my bust, bus
Need to rush.

If I could take you out the grave
Put you back in the car
Slow down
Reverse back
Not have that argument
I would.

Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
But mum’s not listening
Mum’s overdosed
Sinking deeper into a toxic haze
Eventually dying with the needle pointing heaven bound
Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
Mummy’s calling to you
Not be long now precious
Not be long.

Rock, how long has it been
Is that three days now
Do you know what this means
No death for me
What do you see rock, am I free
You must see many like me
I’ll apologise for them
We’re the scourge I know
We come, we go
Unlike you rock, this paradise your home
Where you belong
Maybe this day is the end
Time to go
Alas no
Over yonder I see
So young and brave
Reckless and free
Coming for me
Tell me rock, was I young once
Did I kick a ball
You must know
Being so great and all
Look at them rock
Fighting to be free
Isn't it ironic, they're fighting me
I’m already free
Why am I here rock
Explain it to me
No time now rock they're here
I took the money
Time to earn my fee
Look at them rock
Dying to be free
So young
Dying to be free
Did you answer me rock
Was I ever young
Did I kick a ball
I’m out rock
It’s you and me
Don’t cry, let them be free
Isn’t it ironic rock
I'm also free.

It’s only Rock n roll baby, so heavy
Listen to the words
Don’t they tell you something
They say I was wrong
Hear me baby, cos I die tonight
Rock n roll baby, so heavy
Roll me another joint, and I’ll tell you about my life
The story of my death
But don’t fret baby, it’s only Rock n roll
So heavy, listen to the words
They say, give into hell and sin
Make believe people go insane
Take a few pushers, Rock n roll
Listen to the words of my final epitaph
But don’t fret baby
It's only Rock n roll.

The funeral was well attended
Nobody came
It was sad in a way
Clashed with the dog passing away
There was a friend with a leg
When I say a leg
I actually mean two
Though he had the flu
The Priest nearly made it
But he passed too
The butcher discussed it with the baker
In the newsagents where the notice was placed
Was it his wife who put it in
Well yes, to begin
Then a black guy called Fred
Placed another, hopefully dead
Followed by Titch
Who looked quite rich
But was really his *****
Not to detract from Simon
Frowned the butcher, calling him pieman
Though, that was simplistic
The florist  cried foul
She had the contract
But just for a while
It was left to the undertaker
Wade
Who had to subcontract
When thieves stole his *****
Joe from the pub
With the maths degree
Discussed the angles
Buried under a tree
Bernadette, at the bookmakers
Had to agree
Rushing off to mass
Father Joe listened with glee
It was a trying day in the village of Dull
The pub was in mourning
There was a definite lull
But one thing was agreed
As they slowly got ******
Rover the dog
Would surely be missed?

The funeral was well attended
Nobody came
It was sad in a way
Clashed with the dog passing away
There was a friend with a leg
When I say a leg
I actually mean two
Though he had the flu
The Priest nearly made it
But he passed too
The butcher discussed it with the baker
In the newsagents where the notice was placed
Was it his wife who put it in
Well yes, to begin
Then a black guy called Fred
Placed another, hopefully dead
Followed by Titch
Who looked quite rich
But was really his *****
Not to detract from Simon
Frowned the butcher, calling him pieman
Though, that was simplistic
The florist  cried foul
She had the contract
But just for a while
It was left to the undertaker
Wade
Who had to subcontract
When thieves stole his *****
Joe from the pub
With the maths degree
Discussed the angles
Buried under a tree
Bernadette, at the bookmakers
Had to agree
Rushing off to mass
Father Joe listened with glee
It was a trying day in the village of Dull
The pub was in mourning
There was a definite lull
But one thing was agreed
As they slowly got ******
Rover the dog
Would surely be missed.

Rozanna, bible in her hand
Took me through the dark days
Showed me another way
I hold her hand

Rozanna, praise the lord for me
Set me free
My thoughts were dark from the start
I wanted your soul

Rozanna, your words like you are true
The good book was made for you
The passion in your eyes
The love, there’s no disguise

Rozanna, I tried, glad I failed
You can’t beat God
I know that
Knew from the start

Rozanna, bible in her hand
God in her heart
Making a stand
I watch her, rifle in  hand
God bless Rozanna.

He bleeds, for he is weak
Tortured thoughts
He bleeds some more
Preaches to the mild
So reverent in their eyes
Looking down, he sermons
The cross is bearing
Impure thoughts
He bleeds some more
The thoughts get stronger
Penance for the soul
He touches his scars
Sacrificed for his lord
The prayers cleanse
He is pure
Gods chosen one
Standing before his flock
He sermons
They call to him
He sees her
The scars open.

He bleeds, for he is weak
Tortured thoughts
He bleeds some more
Preaches to the mild
So reverent in their eyes
Looking down, he sermons
The cross is bearing
Impure thoughts
He bleeds some more
The thoughts get stronger
Penance for the soul
He touches his scars
Sacrificed for his lord
The prayers cleanse
He is pure
Gods chosen one
Standing before his flock
He sermons
They call to him
He sees her
The scars open.

He bleeds, for he is weak
Tortured thoughts
He bleeds some more
Preaches to the mild
So reverent in their eyes
Looking down, he sermons
The cross is bearing
Impure thoughts
He bleeds some more
The thoughts get stronger
Penance for the soul
He touches his scars
Sacrificed for his lord
The prayers cleanse
He is pure
Gods chosen one
Standing before his flock
He sermons
They call to him
He sees her
The scars open.

It was a sad day in May when you went away.
Sadder in June when you came home too soon.
To find April in the shower.

It was always about Sally.
Every part of the working day.
Always Sally.
The report was boring him numb.
She sat across from him.
White blouse, black skirt.
Uniform of seduction.
He recalls the first time
How do you fancy a drink.
The response turning him on.
Only if you don’t mind drinking with a Lesbian.
He didn’t
For a awhile, she became Sally out of reach.
To be replaced with.
Out of reach Sally.
He watched her working away.
Crossing her legs in that teasing way.
Wondering if she wore nylons and black *******.
Out of reach Sally
Out of reach.
She watched him.
Reading his mind.
Strangely liking the unconscious attention.
It wouldn’t happen.
She knew that.
Next week he would be watching her replacement.
The final drink goodbye.
She introduced herself as Michelle.
He didn’t really care.
Lost in another world.
A package arrived.
He knew that scent.
Carefully opening it.
Touching the soft material.
Anything exciting, from across the office.
Sally.
The girl I replaced.
Yes.
Was she nice.
Out of reach Michelle.
Out of reach.

Dear Santa

I’m writing early this year
Especially after the debacle of last year
You delivered the **** underwear and the two day hotel break to my wife
What the hell were you thinking
Does my wife look like she can get into a size ten
You useless fat *******
Two days I had to suffer the wife parading herself
It was psychological torture
Swear to god, if I could’ve got my hands on you
Still swithering on sueing your fat ***
This year I’m going to lay it on the line
Deliver it to the wrong address
Your ** ** **, will be Oh oh oh
Do I make myself clear
Now listen up
Facepack and support tights
They go to the wife
Basque and french knickers, hotel included
Too the lover
Don’t make me go back to that hotel with the wife
Or I swear, you’ll be wearing that reindeer
Do you need a reminder
Have you got it now
Oh, and merry Christmas.

The lady in the glossy boots
What do you know
You sparkle
The mirrored floor reveals the price
What the hell, red is my favourite colour
Yours or mine, on company time
Champagne to go
Lets drink a toast
Red is my favourite colour
His blood became mine
When you shot him down
Just a name in the snow
You didn’t know
Now it’s too late
What do you say, bottle of wine
Red is my favourite colour
Do you feel naked, is it true
The Scorpion tells me it’s you
I’m in your mind, like you knew
Silk sheets sliding inside you
We pause to pursue
Red is my favourite colour
I watch as you open the door
Watch as you beckon them through
You smile, the Scorpion stings true
They died quick, not you
His blood became mine
When you shot him down
Just a name in the snow
Now you know
As the knife cuts you
Deeper and deeper
Till the blood runs through
Lets drink a toast
Before you go
Did I tell you
Red is my favourite colour.

It was an instant affair
Lust at first sight
He gave it his all
Lasted all night
She watched him go
Marked him a eight
Gave a slight grin
As her fingers slid in
Shower and fed
Work for the dead
Tonight someone new
Speak *****
Just *****
Gave him a five
For being alive
Left in no doubt
As she threw him out
She sighed with a grin
As the love wand slid in
What does a girl have to do
To get a decent *****
Told him straight
Hold tight, please wait
What does he do
Wasn’t even worth a two
Opens her drawer
To her comfort and joy
The wonder boy
Go down, stop
Okay you’ve reached the spot
What are you doing
Not a lot
Not even worth a mark
Thrown to the sharks
Opens her drawer
Rubs in some cream
Pops in some eggs
Lets out a scream
Starts to dream
He’s shaped like a *****
Packs his own cream
No batteries required
Where has he been
Finally found her man
Ten out of ten
Thank you god, amen
Wakes up with a smile
But just for awhile
Ah well, great for a time
She sighs with a grin
As her fingers slid in.

**** in black
**** in blue
Doesn’t want to talk
Doesn’t want your heart

Wants you for the day
Wants you for the night
Just not tomorrow
Then you’re out of sight

Laughs at wedding blues
Vows for him and you
Bound for life in haste
God what a waste

What a beautiful boy
Must be such a joy
Keeping you up all night
Such a delight

Got him in sight
He’ll do for the night
No number required
Girls delight

Dresses to thrill
Goes in for the ****
She’ll never be true
**** in black
**** in blue.

She looked at the cup on the sink
The solitary cup
Like it was the most important thing in the world
She saw a man, full of promises
She saw another man, devastated
The promises didn’t last
Forgiveness begged
The door closing
Reality
She grabbed the cup
Smashing it into pieces
She gazed at the scene
Fascinated
Every piece representing her life
She started to laugh
Uncontrollably
Anyone watching, thinking
Great joke,
They would be right
She thought to herself.

Shirley girl it’s been a thrill
Let me introduce you to Bill
He has a dog called Jet
He’s a solid bet
You’re dumping me after an hour
One hour
Sixty minutes of bliss
How you reminisced
Your ex Ted
Shot himself in the head
Mother Jill
Lying at the bottom of the hill
Father John
Somewhere in the Amazon
Grandad Cain
Threw himself under a train
Granny Flo
Where did she go
Not forgetting brother Fred
Lost, presumed dead
Then you mention your lesbian lover Di
Who right away I’m thinking
How did she die
Not realising, you must be Bi
Then just as I’m getting my head round that
You mention the cat
Is there a dog
What about the fog
Oh, that’s what caused the bus to disappear into the bog
You saved the lollypop man Jack
Well, that’s a blessing
What
Died next day, heart attack
Shirley doll
Don’t think of me as a bit of a moaner
But Jesus girl
You're a ****** Jonah.

Shirley girl it’s been a thrill
Let me introduce you to Bill
He has a dog called Jet
He’s a solid bet
You’re dumping me after an hour
One hour
Sixty minutes of bliss
How you reminisced
Your ex Ted
Shot himself in the head
Mother Jill
Lying at the bottom of the hill
Father John
Somewhere in the Amazon
Grandad Cain
Threw himself under a train
Granny Flo
Where did she go
Not forgetting brother Fred
Lost, presumed dead
Then you mention your lesbian lover Di
Who right away I’m thinking
How did she die
Not realising, you must be Bi
Then just as I’m getting my head round that
You mention the cat
Is there a dog
What about the fog
Oh, that’s what caused the bus to disappear into the bog
You saved the lollypop man Jack
Well, that’s a blessing
What
Died next day, heart attack
Shirley doll
Don’t think of me as a bit of a moaner
But Jesus girl
You're a ****** Jonah.

Shallow days on memory lane
She was sick of the looks
Safely hidden, he’s free
Stupid men in suits
Softly softly, on the move
Shut out, she’d show them
Silent strike, number seven
Suits in panic, no trail
Surrounded by friends, searching
Serial killer, public panic
Satisfied, eyes set on number eight
She sees the connection
Sky is black, perfect conditions
Suits are skeptical
Standing in the shadows, he waits
She gets confirmation
She’s walking towards him
Slowly slowly, she opens the door
Smiling, he strikes
She stabs upwards
Something not right, he runs
Suits all around
Sees number eight
She's laughing.

Gaza and Lily are up in the Rocket
Gaza’s barking out the orders
Right Lily
Under no circumstances touch that socket
Okay Gaza
It’s Sir to you
Now, I’m off for a kip
You’re on watch
Now skip
That’s not fair
A girl has to tong her hair
He’ll never know
Little tong and a blow
See, stupid prat
Oops, what’s that
The Rocket has stopped
Oh Sir Gaza
Think there’s a malfunction
We seem to be heading down the junction
You touched that socket
A black hole is taking my Rocket
In your dreams Gaza
I’m out of your orbit
You’ve done it Lily
It’s bust
God, you're obsessed
With getting me undressed
Put that back in your pocket
It’s my sprocket
Is that what they call it
I’m going down
Not on me
I finish at three
If I can get it back to warp five
We might get out of this alive
Are you talking about the Rocket
The socket
That thing in your pocket
The sprocket
Give me a hand
God, what don’t you understand
Take a cold shower
You’re not getting my flower
Is that the power
Oh Sir Gaza
I’m alive
You’ve taken me to a height that’s greater
Hold on a minute
Were you not wearing trousers
When we entered the Simulator

Do you notice anything different about me.
You’ve dyed your hair.
No.
New dress.
No.
New shoes.
No.
Aw don’t tell me you’re pregnant.
Fat chance.
Well in that case, I can’t see anything different.
I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Think you’ll find that’s breach of contract.
Thought you’d say that, you haven’t been fulfilling your end of the contract.
It’s just a small problem, I’ll get over it.
Not the case with my new man.
Just you remember, I started big.
You did, then you blew it
It’s a guy thing
Did you go off me, is that it
Well, it has been three weeks, three good weeks though.
Yes, it's been three good weeks for me too.
D'you think we should call it a day
Hmmh too much of a hassle
Agreed
Do you want to meet him
Sure, I'll bring a date
What do you mean
I mean I'll bring a girl
You're dating?
Yeah so are you
Since when
About three weeks now
You ****.


Thanks Lily Nurmi,
             for being the other woman.

He watched her leaving, mother needed her.
Mummy seemed to need her more and more now.
He tried to be intimate with her.
She was stressed, her mother.
The little voice kept telling him.
What did it tell him.
New underwear, new perfume.
In bed, she was cold towards him.
Mother died.
Strange, the first time together in a year.
He watched her leaving, father needed her.
Daddy seemed to need her more and more now.
He tried to be intimate with her.
But she was so cold now.

The dawn is breaking
Raindrops slowly trickle down the window
Winding in a circular motion
Finally falling to the ground
She listens to him breathing
The signs of *** lingering inbetween the wine and the ****
She looks around
Pictures hanging in rows
Someone else's memories
She tries to remember
There was a time
A long time ago
Faint picture of a girl
Innocent
Gone now
Why the hell does she torture herself
The girl has gone
Long gone
Turned to stone
Time for her to go too
Someday she would show them
Ram it down their throats
Someday she would walk through that door
Stare them in the face
She would tell them straight
I made it
The rain cleansed for a time
She felt pure
Someday
She would show them
Someday.

What’s wrong girl life getting you down
The burden of it all
Not like the old days when life was easy
We had it all
Now it’s all responsibility
Work and sleep
Do you know something
I can't remember the last time I saw you naked
Can’t remember the last time we had fun
Why don't we have a weekend away
What do you say
Life's too short to work it all away
What do you say
Let's just do it
Get away
It really is peaceful here
You choose well
Brought your favourite flowers
If I’m not too busy
I’ll pop back next week
Clean your headstone
Maybe the week after
Too much on next week
Do you know
Someday I’m just going to give it up
This is no kind of life
Can’t remember the last time I saw you
Did we have fun
That weekend
You went away
I was working.

In the midst lies the answer
In the distance, it lays in wait
To be brought out in its uttermost feelings
The anxiety is sometimes frightening
The distress terrifying
The effect suppresses the wait
The waiting prolongs
Past memories unshed themselves
A sudden chill unfolds finding no mercy
The mind finds everlasting peace
Leaving the soul to eternal emptiness.

What’s a lovely girl like you doing in a dump like this.
I own it.
That course i took is working well.
Was that the diplomatic course.
It was, have you been on it.
Have i asked you any stupid questions.
Not yet, but give it time.
Ask me another question.
What’s your name.
Sonya.
You’re kidding, did your parents not like you.
Did you actually attend that course.
Well i sort of started the online application, but this **** site popped up and i got distracted.
Did anything else pop up.
That’s quite witty, Sonya.
It wasn’t meant to be. I was meaning, did any religious sites pop up.
Well they do say God works in mysterious ways. So i’m thinking he came through as ***** Bertha from Berlin.
Are you a bit rusty chatting up women.
Well i have just come out of a long term relationship.
Sorry to hear that, how long were you together.
A week.
Wish i hadn’t asked now. Was that a full week.
Well a week is a week.
Not necessarily, it might have been Saturday, Sunday.
I suppose so.
So was it.
No, it was Wednesday, Saturday.
So technically it was four days.
If you want to be pedantic about it.
What about your relationship before that.
Eight days.
What’s your longest relationship.
Three weeks.
That must have seemed like a marriage to you.
Actually my wife died tragically.
I’m really sorry, that was insensitive of me.
Only kidding Sonya, she ran off with the window cleaner. The windows have never recovered.
My God, you’re a train wreck.
You want to be on that train, don’t you Sonya.
I do, i actually want to go out with you. Why the hell do i want to go out with you.
Well Sonya, if you don’t go out with me. Then one fine day you’ll marry this boring guy, and i’ll be at the back of your mind.
But in my mind, I’ve already dumped you.
Not necessarily Sonya, this could be a match made in heaven.
It won't be, I’ve already known you five minutes, and already you’re doing my head in.
Well that is a sort of a relationship, is it not.
I suppose so. I don’t even know your name.
It’s Paul.
Paul, did your parents not like you.
Do you see what you did there, Sonya.
*** i’ve become you, how the hell did that happen.
I’m not sure Sonya, maybe we shouldn’t go out together.
No we must, it’s like i need to go out with you for my sanity’s sake.
Okay Sonya, pick you up at eight tomorrow night...

So what if your body
Is sweetly inviting
Inviting me to play around
To play within the depths of your mind
Not for mind games
But the other games
You know...
The *****, fun games

So what if I'm impressed
At the words that appear
On the blank sheet
In my head as you speak
So what that I cannot
Enter a room without
Accidentally finding you in it
One way or another

You've ruined me
In the sweetest way
I can imagine the day
When I convince myself
It’s really you
No games
Not in my mind
Just in me

I’m running from you
Running to you
You’re smiling
Is it really you
Inviting me
Into your mind
I’m walking away
Looking back, wondering..

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

The first mile is tough
The last mile is the toughest
I liked the way she played with her hair
Liked her smile
She had a calming effect on me
The in between was just numb minding
Just distance for the sake of distance
Some never made it, some did
She hated cruelty
One of god's creatures
To good for me
Just to good
The body wants to give up
That little voice agrees
Just dumb for the sake of dumb
I was a dumb one
Everybody loved her
She was one of the special ones
They always take the special ones
Sometimes when the pain gets too much
I’ll run the hill
Just to see her play with her hair
It’s worth the pain

The first mile is tough
The last mile is the toughest
I liked the way she played with her hair
Liked her smile
She had a calming effect on me
The in between was just numb minding
Just distance for the sake of distance
Some never made it, some did
She hated cruelty
One of god's creatures
Too good for me
Just to good
The body wants to give up
That little voice agrees
Just dumb for the sake of dumb
I was a dumb one
Everybody loved her
She was one of the special ones
They always take the special ones
Sometimes when the pain gets too much
I’ll run the hill
Just to see her play with her hair
It’s worth the pain

She’s so spiritual in mind
Like the poem says
Lost for a time
But I like that
Says she’s found her soul mate
Thank god, lost mine at poker
But I like her
She’s like a health warning, in a good way
Laughs when I fly down hills
Worries I might fall in love
What do you know, she’s a free spirit
Gets angry when life lets her down
Lets it all burn
But comes back on a high
I like that
Tonight I’ll throw some dice, might win
Later on, who knows
Which way the wind blows
Tomorrow the forest will take my pain
Any luck she’ll be around
We all need a spirit
Any luck, she might be mine.

Christ, she marrying that guy
In the same church
I’m bleeding on the cross
Only seems like yesterday
We planned that day
Till death do us run away
Plane, train, can’t explain
As far as life could throw me
All for you girl
You would be proud
Not right away
But someday
You would find me bleeding
Then you’d understand
The sacrifice
I made for you
Setting you free
Bringing you back to this day
The right time
Right guy
I stand behind the gravestone
Sinking
But happy in your happiness
Walking back to a life
I love
Watching people die around me
Still running
Setting you free..

He liked being on the edge
Liked it fine
Walking into the fire
Better than walking through the puddles
Just better

Stray dogs have more fun
Always on the run
No nice blankets
Nowhere to call home
Just nowhere

Black night's watch couples
Gazing silently
Words strained
Trying to recapture time
Just trying

Death breaks up families
Bringing loneliness
Loneliness breeds fear
Nothing left
Just nothing

Stray dogs die in the wild
Free till the end
Leaving that beautiful trail
For others to follow
Just follow.

Tragic little girl
The angels took you away
Now you play in dreams
Shining bright

Tragic little girl
Your room a shrine
To the toys
That play no more

Tragic little girl
Playing in the clouds
Watching mummy
Hoping

Tragic little girl
Screaming
Mummy please
Don’t **** me

Tragic little girl
Breathing slowly
A mother's kiss
Tears on the pillow

Tragic little girl
New baby
Toys are alive
Whilst the cradle rocks.

It was never about the teddy bear
It just sits there
Well actually, It lies there
Have you ever noticed that about teddy’s
They always lie at 45 to 60 degree angles
I digress
It should be about the teddy
You go to the hospital
People see a teddy, they smile
I wasn’t smiling
No, I wasn’t smiling that day
But as teddy said
At least you don’t need a dna test
Definitely didn’t need a dna test
Just a large drink
Several large drinks
None for teddy
That would be irresponsible
Teddy still makes jokes about it
No night feeds for you
No crying
You’ve had a lucky escape
I sit him up straight
Ten minutes later
He’s on his side
That's life.

I'm going to build a human rocket
Okay, stop there, let me take you back to chemistry class
Remember the blast, the six foot hole
I know, but I was young then, now I know what I'm doing
Okay, let me remind you, your supersonic car
The passengers on the top deck of the number 49 watched you flying by
You caused mayhem
Exactly, now I've recalculated
My god, the exact words you used with your rotorless helicopter
People have stopped using the 49  now
Mrs Brown took a heart attack when she saw you with a screwdriver
You have to stop man
Can’t, I'm on the verge of greatness
Don’t use that word, verge
Your electric car, and the mile long length of cable
That poor driver, when you turned in front of him
He just stopped the bus, walked up to the psychiatric hospital, and committed himself
Well I can hardly be blamed for that
Never understood why he gave up the teaching job
Look, just go down the Job centre, they’ll fix you up with something
Now promise me
Okay,I’ll go down the Job centre

One week later
News has just come in of a suspected terrorist attack in London, reports of an Exocet missile flying round Big Ben have been confirmed.
Police have now confirmed the missile was in fact a human rocket.
Latest reports coming in, seem to suggest the terrorist has been killed by a Double decker bus, we also believe the driver was attacked by the passengers, suggesting a second terrorist was involved.
Police have now totally ruled out the attack on Big ben as a terrorist attack, reports coming in suggest the human rocket was in fact an ex chemistry teacher, sketchy reports are also coming in regarding the 49 bus, which seemed to be a hundred miles off route.
Passengers tell of the horrendous journey,the bus company say the driver had removed the route sat nav, replacing it with a revolutionary sat nav he had invented that day.
As a mark of respect, the bus company say they will be changing the 49 to the new 50. Relaunched that day, all was going well for the new driver, till a large Bat shaped object landed on the windscreen.

****** is always dangerous
They tend to investigate murders
Now accidents
They tend to happen
Randomly
So, an accident it had to be then
She liked her bubble bath
Liked to listen to her music while relaxing
Seemed the obviously way then
Now all was needed was the execution
But more importantly
The alibi
He would be abroad when it happened
The simple rise in water as she entered the bath
The final song as she switched her music on
The extra hidden wire just to make sure
He would have that look of devastation
The breakdown
But the money would ease the pain
They would investigate
Of Course they would
They wouldn’t find anything
Eventually they would pay out
Something troubled him though
Just that niggling doubt
Kept nagging at him
What the hell was her final song.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Is that bad.
It is, but there’s a way through it.
There is.
Yes, what we need to do, is to create a situation.
How does that work.
Well, you pretend you want me to chat you up, but you want a great chat up line.
Sounds a bit pointless, but go for it.
You are the tea to my coffee.
Not feeling that Paul.
I can see us growing old together.
You’re right, I’m aging in front of you.
Nice one, I’m going to buy you a drink, but I don’t know your name.
Never heard that one before, I’m Candice.
No, that wasn’t a chat up line, what are you drinking.
Oh sorry, you got me there. Gin and tonic.
Right, back to my lines. You are the chalk to my cheese.
Never a truer word said Paul.
I saw you across the room, and I just had to speak to you.
Oh, I like that Paul. that would do it.
Well Candice I think my work here is done.
Can I ask you a stupid question.
Sure, go for it.
You do know this is a lesbian bar.
Can’t say anybody told me Candice.
It’s not written in stone, people just know it as such.
Does that mean I’ve tarnished your reputation.
Well I did get dumped last week.
Me too, fill me in then.
Would you believe she said I was selfish.
Looking at my glass Candice, I’m sort of agreeing with her.
Is that a hint you want a drink, even though the gentleman is supposed to buy them.
Nice one miss selfish, you’re enhancing your reputation.
Okay, same again. Why did a great guy like you get dumped.
I couldn’t explain the situation I was in at that particular moment in time.
You mean she found you bed with another woman.
Yeah, her sister.
That’s shocking, so how are you just not going out with the other sister.
Well.
You were going out with the other sister, weren’t you, I’m seeing a new side to you Paul. Hopefully being double dumped will teach you a lesson.
It has, I’m talking to you.
Well in that case, god is definitely punishing you.
You might be right Candice. I think in our next date, you should use your best chat up lines to cheer me up.
You kidding, you’ll try to turn me straight.
No I’ll leave that to the third date.
Do you know something, I think I’ve moved into the twilight zone.
Great isn't it, just think, half an hour ago you were expecting some super model to sweep you off your feet, and now you’re talking to me.
I know, I don’t know if I feel sorry for me, or feel sorry for you.
We’re being punished Candice for being bad.
Excuse me Paul, I don’t think being selfish is in the same bracket as double cheating.
In a way it is, I’m with a beautiful woman i can’t do anything with, how selfish can life get.
Never looked at it that way, I’m feeling all apple crumble now.
Is that lesbian speak for I’m a pudding.
Jesus, do you know you have a great capacity for lifting people, then dropping them again.
That’s my cack handed way of saying I like you.
You’re still not turning me straight.

                                  TEN YEARS LATER.
Was there ever a time I could’ve got you into bed.
Yes, all the times I got dumped and cried on your shoulder.
What, you might have said something.
I couldn’t, I was too busy listening to your perils of wisdom. You always built me up and sent me away in a better frame of mind.
Are you due to get dumped anytime soon.
No, no, and no. I’m in love. Plus you wouldn’t want to bed me, it would spoil our crazy relationship.
That’s true, plus I don’t fancy you anymore.
Yeah right, bet if I said do you want to go to bed, you would jump at the chance.
I wouldn’t, I respect you too much.
Right, I’m going to get naked, I’ll be in bed waiting for you.
( Finally. )  Why aren't you naked, and sort of waiting.
So you thought you’d try a little reverse psychology did you, Thought I wouldn’t see through your little charade. Good try, but not good enough.
I was just buttering you up.
Still trying to straighten me out. Right, it’s our anniversary on Friday, don’t be late.
I’ll check my full diary, see if I can fit it in.
                        
                                     Anniversary Ritual.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Ps, I got dumped today.

Please leave your message after the tone, though I’ll probably never get back to you.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you drive a car with three wheels.
Paul, Sheryl, I’m leaving you for a Canadian lumberjack, don’t try and talk me out of it.
Gaffer, Micky here, that bird Tasmin you hooked me up with, she wants to try the buddha position, what the hell is it.
Gaffer, Phil, I’ve been arrested, ******* fifty quid in the license, you *******.
Paul, Sheryl, you would just let me go off with a Lumberjack, you *******.
Mr Gaffney, do you know you’re entitled to five thousand pounds for that accident you had three years ago. Phone us.
Paul, Linda here, I’ve left Tony, can I crash at yours for a few days.
Paul, Nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric  hospital, just an update from the doctor, he’s still in two minds.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you come and bail me out.
Paul, Sheryl, I’ve dumped the Lumberjack, going out with Hans now, my soul mate.
Paul, Tracy down at the STD clinic, your tests are clear, and no, I don’t want to celebrate with you.
Gaffer, Micky, that Tamsin's a guy, what the hell is wrong with you.
Gaffer, Phil, are you coming or what.
Paul, Linda, We’re going to give it another go.
Paul, Sheryl here, I’m giving you one more chance, I could have my pick of  guys, why the hell I picked you only god knows, I’m coming round now.
Paul, This is the sunshine retreat holiday company, your immediate sabbatical is now ready when you are.
Paul, nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric hospital, is the doctor at yours.

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta walk the streets at night
Watch the victims shining bright
Waiting for dreams that never come true
Clinging to life nearly through

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta watch their eyes
No hiding, no disguise
Vacant pools lacking soul
Destiny’s ashes burning coals

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta cut the body wide
Gotta cut it deep inside
See the pictures life unfold
Death in jars, story told.

The full moon rises giving light to the shrouded figures sat motionless deep within the woods
The Circle begins to stir
Strange chants in the dead of night give way as the Black Angel rises from her sacred grave
The Circle entwined, taking power from her inner being
A ****** is sacrificed
Or would have been
For this is Britain today
Where virgins just don’t grow on trees, woods or no woods
Totally disgusted with the lack of morals in Britain
She ups sticks
Directed by a powerful red light
She heads to Amsterdam.

He liked the idea of space.
The final frontier.
Smoking stars on Saturn's rings.
Yeah, that would do it.
The five o’clock rush was a *****.
The eight a.m. rush was a double *****.
*****, *****, *****.
People on phones.
Wanting to know how their shares were performing.
The wife trying on outfits.
That’s a performance.
Your shares, Titanic comes to mind.
Yes sir, your shares are performing just as i told you they would.
They’re somewhere in between my lies, and my imagination.
They say we’ll be driving driverless cars soon.
The five o’clock rush is now down to just a *****.
The eight a.m. *****, *****.
Two driverless cars were caught at a strange hotel.
The court ruling found in favour of the drivers, Mr X, and Mrs X.
Blaming software problems.
The judge put that into his little black book.
Yes sir, not only would i put my life savings into that company, i would remortgage my house.
Nice little island in the sun, no phones.
The crash was blamed on driverless cars.
No one at the helm.
The judge was having none of it.
Subpoenas were flying in all directions.
Mr and Mrs X had fled the country.
It was all in the little black book.

You look great in those boots
But can you walk
Walk all over me
Straight up to your thighs
One kiss, and I’ll l surely die
Come on give me the eye
No point asking why
Okay, I want inside you
Five hundred dollars doesn’t lie
You can say you love me
That way, we’ll both get by
Life is so short between your thighs
Do you feel it
Deep inside
Makes you want to cry
I know you hate me
But you made the pact
Now it’s time to act
You look great in those boots
But can you walk
Walk all over me
Now it’s the talking part
Two strangers, heart to heart
Truths and lies
Smoke and why’s
I need to see you in my mind, you’ll get me through the tough times
You need the money
Seems rather funny, no money where I’m going
How about you, kids and all
How we fall
Two people in the night
Just getting through
As you do
Your boots on the floor
The last glimpse as I close the door.


It’s raining, death on the hill
No time for the final ****
You did look great in those boots
Will you walk for the final time
All over me.

Right I want you to put all your negative thoughts into a bottle.
What sort of bottle.
Doesn’t matter what sort.
***** bottle do.
Jesus, yes.
Okay I’ve ran out of room.
You’re so predictable.
Just like you last night, standards are dropping.
That’s because I knew you were coming for a session today.
Think how I feel, all my thoughts in a bottle of *****.
Maybe I should hypnotise you.
How do I know you won’t interfere with me, you read about these things.
Take my word for it, I’m going to send you to sleep, then I’m going to join you.
How does that help me if we’re both asleep, you got a bit of telepathy going on here.
Yes, I’m going to put you into a trance, see if we can find you another guy.
What sort of guy are we talking about, I mean, I’ve already hit rock bottom with you.
Well in that case, we should be able to fix you up quite quickly.
I don’t know, what if he doesn’t understand my quirky sense of humour.
He’ll dump you then.
What, can he do that, just discard me, and me a broken woman already.
Afraid so, but then you can find another guy, and another.
My God, I’ll be the talk of the town, my bottle will be overflowing.
Just relax, breathe in, breathe out, stop doing that.
Doing what.
You’re thrusting your chest out, do you know what sort of guy that’ll attract.
Someone like you.
You don’t want to attract someone like me, you want someone dynamic, someone who’ll take you away from all this.
Have you got someone in mind.
Yes, I was talking to this nice chap in the Asylum yesterday.
Why is he in the Asylum.
He killed a snail.
My God, they put you in the Asylum for that.
No, he’s in for using a flamethrower.
What’s the snail got to do with it.
That was the trigger point.
So what happens if I upset him and it triggers something and he goes mad.
It won’t, I told him to put all his negative thoughts into your bottle.

British people hate foreigners.
It’s nothing personal.
They’re just not British.
Brits go abroad to try the local cuisine, and get a heat.
This will last one day.
The second day they’ll put tomato sauce on everything that moves.
This includes the food they bring with them.
Brits abroad will search out the British pub.
This is called the Irish bar.
Brits will lie in the sun for twelve hours.
Suffering first degree burns.
Convinced the next day they’ll be golden brown.
Brits abroad are easily recognisable.
By the Manchester United strips they wear.
Though they don't actually live in Manchester.
Brits abroad dislike other Brits who live in the next town to them.
Brits abroad will give strangers their last penny, or kick the crap out of them.
Brits abroad will tell anybody listening.
Britain gave the world everything.
From the Steam engine, to the Beatles.
Plus winning two world wars.
Foreigners will shake their heads  in total disbelief and agreement.
Then think to themselves.
How the hell did they do it.

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Wants to show you love
Show she cares
Got God on her side
Sees rainbows in the air

The Soldier boy
Broken and gone
Feels only pain
As he looks upon
His only way

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on a mission
Lives to save
God's number one
The prodigal son

The Soldier boy
Remembers the day
His life changed
In every way
He earned his pay

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on the road
With love to share
Comes across her destined soul
Her little lost foal

The Soldier boy
Fires in haste
Fear in his eyes
He hears the cries
They wouldn’t die


The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Holds out her hands
To show she cares
Touches his face
Tries to explain

The Soldier boy
Tortured in mind
Flashbacks
That make him blind
Just wants to die

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Takes his tears
Takes his fears
Gives him love
Sets him free

The Soldier boy
Sees the light
Forgives himself
His earthly plight
Thoughts of death already ceased
The Soldier boy
Now at peace.

The child has gone
Such a long time
They searched like everywhere
But something told them
The child has gone
They started looking inwards
Watching expressions
Looking for that clue
So strange, nothing
The child has gone
Days turned to weeks
Nothing
Nationwide alert
Calls came in, including the cranks
The child has gone
The search died down
Talk spread
Children stayed indoors
Fear became the byword

She watched within the large tree
Her secret hiding place
It was fun
The earth collapsed pulling her under
She tried to scream
Too late
The child has gone.

The road never changes
Only the seasons
The ghosts pass by
****** at twenty three
Adultery at twenty one
Produced a son
The madness at thirty nine
Twin sisters
The children of time
Twenty four, they would scream
The hanging *****
The road knew more
Number one seen all
Predicted the fall
The great and the good
Misunderstood
The road was the end
The very end
She screamed at number five
Number four knew why
It was her time to die
The children played
At the gates of time
They would sing their songs
Like the nursery rhymes
Twenty three and twenty one produced a son
Cried the sisters of time
They knocked down her door
Killed the *****
Killed the *****
She saw the crime
Just in time, to scream
Why, oh why
She had to die
She had to die
The road knows why
The seasons pass by
The seasons pass by

The road never changes
Only the seasons
The ghosts pass by
****** at twenty three
Adultery at twenty one
Produced a son
The madness at thirty nine
Twin sisters
The children of time
Twenty four, they would scream
The hanging *****
The road knew more
Number one seen all
Predicted the fall
The great and the good
Misunderstood
The road was the end
The very end
She screamed at number five
Number four knew why
It was her time to die
The children played
At the gates of time
They would sing their songs
Like the nursery rhymes
Twenty three and twenty one produced a son
Cried the sisters of time
They knocked down her door
Killed the *****
Killed the *****
She saw the crime
Just in time, to scream
Why, oh why
She had to die
She had to die
The road knows why
The seasons pass by
The seasons pass by