I sort of had given up on love before I met you
And when you walked into my life
thousand of lights and butterflies were awoken in me
I wanted everything you had to offer
I had never been so ready to love
Well except for that one time that one crush that almost crushed me
First time we met I felt a chemistry
I tried to fight it because my history with this kind of chemistry was a big capital (F)
I was so off when I fell so hard and it failed me
Nonetheless I surrendered to new beginnings
To accepting love
and what you had to offer
It was quick
I left my rationality at the door because it always get the best of me
I opened my heart fully and embraced you
I wanted this so bad
Felt it in my bones and I trusted you
In the short period we were together
You made me feel safe and seen
That’s all a lady like me wants from her lover
To feel seen
I wanted you to be the Oboma to my Michelle
The peanut butter to my jelly
The yin to my yan
Father of my future children
That was first for me
Maybe I got too ahead of myself
What was I thinking?
Clearly not because I followed my heart completely
Was I wrong to?
As far as I know
Words have always landed heavy on my tongue
as a child there were
Some things I couldn’t
Like soap in my native language
Though English was my first first
I lost it very early on
I must say picking it back up
Learning to relearn this language
That is spoken in many places
Wasn’t as easy
As finessing my safina (soap)pronunciation
In manikaka (Mandingo)
It’s not about saying the words
But how it is spoken
How I struggle with that
English is my primary language
And yet I get asked which
Language I think in
Native speakers tries to over simplify things
Break down so I could better understand them
I mean I don’t know every big grammar that exists in the English dictionary
But golly gee you don’t have to ask me
If I know what the words mean after each sentence
But you know
I can never quite get it right
When I am told that I have accent speaking
My own native language
Why does it feel like nothing seems to fit perfectly
Is this the price I have to pay for being
There’s a virus that has been
It is not contagious but very deadly once contaminated
The moment you realize that when affiliated by it you become another statistic
and you are just that one out many
you battle it alone
because it is an affliction that cannot be cured
so you learn to live with it
It eats up from inside out and no one really understands
How you feel
There’s an ancient epidemic
One of the many symptoms are
shame.silence and guilt
You fight it alone because it’s has become so normalize in our society
You do not fight at all because you know there’s nothing to fight for
You become numb and detach yourself
Becoming shallow to reality
To your reality
Dreaming of alternate universe
Days that differ from
You wish to perish
from the face of the earth
There’s an epidemic
It has been use as a weapon in war and love and it has spread wide and far
It has always been someone’s reality
And the people respond
As they have always done well with
Instead of comfort and justice
There’s is an ancient epidemic
It’s no longer acceptable
to maintain it secret
**** is a weapon that dehumanizes it victims. Thinking of all those who have somehow experience this terrible thing. Want you to know that you are alone.
And jazzing blues
Blissful nights and palpable vibes
Tumbling magic and smiling moon
A night of memory
A time of wonders
What a lovely way to fly
I know I ain’t the prettiest ******* the block
I ain’t the smartest nor the sexist
But I stand out
I know I’m unique and kind
I guess that don’t matter to you huh
Shiiit, it all good
I ain’t mad at you
I ******* hate you like I really hate you
I’m here thinking about you
writing about you
dreaming about you
talking about you
thinking about you
and you don’t even know I exist
you don’t even know my name
you don’t even know how your silence makes me feel
but that doesn’t even matter because you don’t know that I exist
and I hate you so much for that
I hate you because I hate that I feel this strongly about you
I hate you because I can’t help myself feeling the way I feel about you
So yeah I hate you
I ******* hate you and if I could rewind back time
Then I wish that I had never met you
but you know what’s the saddest thing about all this is that I am actually glad that I met you because you made me feel things that I never thought I would feel for anyone so for that thank you but nevertheless *******
I like you
No like I really like you like you
I mean you’re the one I like
The one that I really want
But I guess that’s simply not enough
I like you but not enough
You like me but won’t admit it
So it’s just not enough
the like alone is not enough
For me today was supposed to be like
Any other day
Friday the 13th
Last two classes then
Begins the weekends
Today is just any other day
In the wind city and then I remembered you
How can I have forgotten about you
Forgotten that it’s your birthday
Today is not like every other day
Today is your day
And how could I forget that
The 13th that marks the celebration of your life
And I every year treated it like a national holiday but today felt different.
I see you when you don’t see me
I cheer for you when you don’t know I’m there
I crush on you when you don’t even notice me
I guess you can say that I am just stupid
Or that rejection suits me well
But the thing is
I can’t just put my heart on an airplane mode
I can’t pretend that my feelings weren’t real
Trust me when I say this
I’d give anything to erase this hopeless feelings I have developed for you
Know that it wouldn’t be out of spit but out of respect for myself.
Have you ever seen a bird trapped in a nest of yards?
It feet’s tangled up with threads
Lot and lot of them
Then the bird tries to walk when it can fly
The bird struggles to walk forgetting that it has wings
You see this bird lost and you want to free this bird
But it runs from you because it doesn’t trust you
I mean, why would it?
You may wonder how the bird got trapped in the first place
Has it forgotten how to fly?
Why walk like a chicken when it can fly.
When it can see everything from above.
Why not slip away and move on?
I see you
I see you
I feel you
I live for you
I am you
And you are me
In my heart I hold you
Cause you are loved
I see you
And you matter ✊🏾
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”
I am a black man.
Not just any black man.
I am an African man.
This is the trajectory of my existence.
I was once chosen; I am a descendant of the chosen.
I am the original.
I come from chiefs and kings.
My skin is the essence of god.
I am from a sacred land.
My body and soul are universal.
I am that essence you hate.
I was once a king.
I am a black man.
Not just any black man.
I am an African man…
Borne in America.
I am a free man.
Now you wish to make me your slave.
You have written me in your books as a salve.
You came to my kingdom and dethroned me.
I sat on my throne but you lead my people through me.
But they resisted. We resisted.
You stole my people.
You trade my people.
You enslaved my people.
You lynched my people for just existing.
I am my people you tried to break.
You tried to make peasant out of my image.
You dissected my land.
You invaded my people.
You violated my mothers and sisters.
You brainwashed my chiefs.
You rewrote my existence.
I remain a black man.
Not just any black man.
I am an African man.
Of the Caribbean.
I am the essence you keep burying.
I do not rise for you to reshape my existence.
I remain the original.
I have survived your torment.
And I thrive in my blackness.
I live a free man.
I walk a free man.
You still try to cage me.
You have systematically built prisons around me.
But I remain a black man.
You made my continent your exploitation ground.
And I still remain a black man.
You play with my intelligence.
You bring me a bible and preach forgiveness and obedience.
You take and take.
You take and I give.
You take and ****.
You turned me against myself.
Just like you turned my ancestors against their gods.
I am the reflection you hate.
The shadow you fear.
You are the reincarnation of the devil itself.
Wherever there has been chaos, your kind has been found.
I am a black man.
A black man.
Yo soy ***** de la isla.
***** de la diaspora.
I am the future.
I am still chosen.
#blacklivesmatter #stopkillingus #stoptheviolence
She’s my black unicorn
The only unicorn on the island
She’s my honey badger
The wildest and smartest creature in my forest
She’s the honey in my tea
The reason I keep sipping
She’s who she said she is
The magnitude of magnificent
She’s the daughter of the universe
That’s why the stars in the galaxy
Glows brighter each time she smile.
Think about it
Me you against all odds
Forgive me if I am being too gullible
Let’s forget about what is at stake
And perhaps even a moment of iceberg
Think about the tiniest little joy...
The fire that gear me to you
Being around you give me so much delight
He glared deep into my eyes
And for a moment I thought he could see
Through my soul
Then he says let’s elope
Sounded foreign to my ears
But if loving him wasn’t forbidden
I’d take that first class on a train tomorrow
If I wasn’t so Succumb to my shadow
Perhaps I’d have say **** it all
Take me with you
It will be like those romantic movies
Take me to the astronaut
To the moon
Let’s elope far away from this realm
Into another dimension
Instead I pushed him away
I didn’t have to say anything to make him go
As far as space could permit
I just turned cold
Like ice cold from dead winter night
It was scary to give a taste Of...
And then ****** it back like death
Thieve of light
Let’s elope and I promise this time
Well that is if you actually come back
I mean think about it
For a moment the joy will come
From the magic we’d create
Little darling I’d go as far as Mars
If time could permit me
And if feelings were tangible
We’d spend the night dangling to sweet melodies of our heart beats in the silence night of spring.
Or blissful night of summer
I’d show you how Profound my love
For you is
My beloved Tata, know that my love as no season no dates
The world is mad at it is
I say don’t let your lack of conviction wither away your spring.
Think about it
I responded to his sweet Dazzling words
Indeed I was intrigued by the picture I imagine from his words
But I chose to stay back for I am a free bird
I like to fly whenever I want to and wherever I want to
If loving him meant I had to lose that
Then I don’t want to
I found myself silently drawn to his offering
But I choose to rather not indulge.
Experimenting with ghazal style.
I found out that I have soft spots for you
I think you may have already noticed
Or perhaps I was good at masking it
I have had dreams about you
But there’s always this longing for connection
And somethings always seem to be blocking
I know you can feel it too
I don’t understand why my heart yearns for you
When you belong to another
I have fight it
But nothing I do seems to work
And I pray the lord to break me from this feelings
When I talk to others
I can’t help but compare them to you
Are they well mannered ?
Well spoken ?
Special kind of reserved ?
I’d love to have you all to myself
The truth is I know loving you is forbidden
Sometimes sitting in silence with you
Give me this sense of hope
Waiting For you to say something
But you say a lot by not saying anything
I wish there was a clock that track time backwards
Time tracker or maybe a will power
To turn time back then I will stop this feelings from ever starting in the first place
But that sounds rather naive
I dream of you without even thinking of you
You appear in my dreams
And I know dreams don’t lies
It most be two way
I feel crushed by the way I feel about you
Knowing that I can’t have you
I confess that sometimes I dislike myself for not saying something when I had the chance to but as you know I’m not really good at accepting my feelings.
If I was a character in a video game my name would be denial.
Prisoner to my self
For years I have tried to break out of my family shadow
I fought to be seen
To be heard
Alas to be free
Free to be
Over time I have learned to survive
To keep moving
No matter what
Sometimes I like to think that in control
But I’m afraid not
In the process of breaking free
I created walls to keep safe
That wall became my Sanctuary
A place to hide
I know sitting behind those walls had made me shallow to reality
It sorts of protects me from getting hurt but it also keeps the love out.
How Pitiful? That I built a trap around myself
Sometimes I try to not succumb to fear
Not be afraid to sort what’s behind the walls
Then again was there really any walls to begin with?
I know that’s unresolved pain
I know that even though I am free from things I’ve been running from
I am still cage
I also know that this prison wall started long time ago
It was started by someone else
I just took on their craft
And now once again I am fighting to break free
My gift to myself now is to break out of my mental prison!
Second part of “Is it worth it”
Words are just words until they become actual action and those actions become feelings and the feelings transcend into memories and the memories continues to live on then eventually become history.
Which is why sometimes history repeats itself within oneself or in nations.
Whatever is said lives on and on, that’s why sometimes the negative emotions we feel or the unkind words we utter have so much power because with it said enough we actually start to believe it or act on it by giving it life.
And then we wonder why our lives are the way they are.
It is so easy to give in into those negative places, we are fragile and easy to slip into those dark places.
At the end of the day, the hard work is to keep the balance. Give the light in you more power. Be transparent with every emotions you walk with.
There are no right way to be, our dark moments make us as much as our bright moments. Just have to find a way to honor them separately, not be dismissive.
Only through accepting ourselves fully that we get to experience our true power and nature.
The whole concept of choosing to be good or bad is a old myth.
It all starts with a word, and the energy we give into those words.
Let me know your thoughts on that
I waited for your love
I tested your love
I wanted your love
I fought your love
I denied your love
I craved your love
And I teased your love
I tasted your love
I pushed your love
You presented me with your love and I felt alone in your love
Even when we made love I went to sleep with empty promises
I don’t know how real your love was
I gave your love many chance
Many hopeless chances
The funny thing was I didn’t asked for your love
You gave it to me willingly
Even when I rejected it
You shoved it in my throat
And I shallowed it
Like thick bittersweet medicine
The problem was I didn’t know how to turn down unwanted love
So I let myself be trapped in it
Hoping for an escape
Not sure if that’s what I wanted
Your love was bizarre
But I stayed in it
Now that I’m out of your love
The side effects are troubling.
Love is beautiful, but it also makes one sick.
Love is magical when it comes from the right person but sometimes love hurt
and we don’t know why
And when our heart gets broken
That Sour to the stomach
Broken heart, the most painful affliction.
Why do we fall in love?
I tried to build a wall around me
A wall to protect myself
Very typical heh
But sitting behind that wall makes me shallow to reality
It sorts of keep the pain away but it also keeps the love out.
How pathetic ?
I’m scared to bring down my walls
Then again was there really a wall to begin with?
Isn’t funny how you got mad at me for not saying je t’aime aussi. I love you too!
You threw that word around so easily. And I wondered who taught you to do so?!
You said these four words as if your life depended on it and I wondered how many women felt for your broken records.
I didn’t say it back because you had a funny way of showing it.
I sat out in the crowd and watched as he moved his hands on the drum in dreaming orders.
My heart desired to move to beat of his music. But my mind was discombobulated.
What a strange encounter that night?
I tried to resist his music but the feelings invoked in me was sporadic.
I wonder what drawn me to him that night, I know it wasn’t just the captivating sound of his drum.
I went home and I remembered,
It was the passion in his eyes when he looked at his mother.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry is my new favorite words.
It comes so natural to my tongue.
I say sorry, sorry that I liked you.
Sorry for showing that I cared.
Sorry for letting you know that I admired you. Sorry if I seemed too into you.
Sorry for all the texts and calls.
Because I didn’t have better things to do with my time.
Sorry that I let it go this far.
And most importantly, sorry to you my poor heart.
Sorry for all the torment and sleepless nights.
I is sorry for dragging you through this mess. And back to you mister, sorry I didn’t respect myself enough to know that I was too good for you!
Hold me! Let me pour my weight onto you! Hold me steadily. I need not tell you the weight I carry.
Open up to me, leave me a space to bury my fears. They are getting stronger by the minute. Stand frame so I can lean on you. Stand tall so I won’t string.
Hold me, the whole me. Leave no room for fears and doubts to creeps in. Feel my weight and let them melt like butter under the sun.
Hold me tight so I don’t feel any cold and loneliness. Be my host, be my guidance. Let me feel the presence of ten thousand to chase the loneliness away.
Hold me gently. Let me feel thousand kisses from the sun, the moon, and stars. Dip me into a bath of honey, let my skin be saturated with it sweetness and gold essence.
Hold me and never let go. Hold me, let me be a tree, let me channel the energy from the trees. Up above the sky are my leaves, my hair, my ori being blessed by the sun. I channeling my inner most power from the sky that transfer down to my roots,my feet, my paths.
Hold me and don’t let go!
Sink in with me, let the electric that is wired in our veins synchronize. They are telling!
Hold me! Hold me will you? Can you feel it? Can you feel my heart beating!?
Take me, take me to the sunflower garden, let me lay flat on my back and let the sunshine on my face and my heart. Can you see them smiling? Can you see the smile of the flowers? I think the flowers are smiling at me and my heart smiles back.
— The End —