Prisoner to my self
For years I have tried to break out of my family shadow
I fought to be seen
To be heard
Alas to be free
Free to be
Over time I have learned to survive
To keep moving
No matter what
Sometimes I like to think that in control
But I’m afraid not
In the process of breaking free
I created walls to keep safe
That wall became my Sanctuary
A place to hide
I know sitting behind those walls had made me shallow to reality
It sorts of protects me from getting hurt but it also keeps the love out.
How Pitiful? That I built a trap around myself
Sometimes I try to not succumb to fear
Not be afraid to sort what’s behind the walls
Then again was there really any walls to begin with?
I know that’s unresolved pain
I know that even though I am free from things I’ve been running from
I am still cage
I also know that this prison wall started long time ago
It was started by someone else
I just took on their craft
And now once again I am fighting to break free
My gift to myself now is to break out of my mental prison!
Second part of “Is it worth it”
I waited for your love
I tested your love
I wanted your love
I fought your love
I denied your love
I craved your love
And I teased your love
I tasted your love
I pushed your love
You presented me with your love and I felt alone in your love
Even when we made love I went to sleep with empty promises
I don’t know how real your love was
I gave your love many chance
Many hopeless chances
The funny thing was I didn’t asked for your love
You gave it to me willingly
Even when I rejected it
You shoved it in my throat
And I shallowed it
Like thick bittersweet medicine
The problem was I didn’t know how to turn down unwanted love
So I let myself be trapped in it
Hoping for an escape
Not sure if that’s what I wanted
Your love was bizarre
But I stayed in it
Now that I’m out of your love
The side effects are troubling.
Love is beautiful, but it also makes one sick.
Love is magical when it comes from the right person but sometimes love hurt
and we don’t know why
And when our heart gets broken
That Sour to the stomach
Broken heart, the most painful affliction.
Why do we fall in love?
I tried to build a wall around me
A wall to protect myself
Very typical heh
But sitting behind that wall makes me shallow to reality
It sorts of keep the pain away but it also keeps the love out.
How pathetic ?
I’m scared to bring down my walls
Then again was there really a wall to begin with?
Isn’t funny how you got mad at me for not saying je t’aime aussi. I love you too!
You threw that word around so easily. And I wondered who taught you to do so?!
You said these four words as if your life depended on it and I wondered how many women felt for your broken records.
I didn’t say it back because you had a funny way of showing it.
I sat out in the crowd and watched as he moved his hands on the drum in dreaming orders.
My heart desired to move to beat of his music. But my mind was discombobulated.
What a strange encounter that night?
I tried to resist his music but the feelings invoked in me was sporadic.
I wonder what drawn me to him that night, I know it wasn’t just the captivating sound of his drum.
I went home and I remembered,
It was the passion in his eyes when he looked at his mother.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry is my new favorite words.
It comes so natural to my tongue.
I say sorry, sorry that I liked you.
Sorry for showing that I cared.
Sorry for letting you know that I admired you. Sorry if I seemed too into you.
Sorry for all the texts and calls.
Because I didn’t have better things to do with my time.
Sorry that I let it go this far.
And most importantly, sorry to you my poor heart.
Sorry for all the torment and sleepless nights.
I is sorry for dragging you through this mess. And back to you mister, sorry I didn’t respect myself enough to know that I was too good for you!
Hold me! Let me pour my weight onto you! Hold me steadily. I need not tell you the weight I carry.
Open up to me, leave me a space to bury my fears. They are getting stronger by the minute. Stand frame so I can lean on you. Stand tall so I won’t string.
Hold me, the whole me. Leave no room for fears and doubts to creeps in. Feel my weight and let them melt like butter under the sun.
Hold me tight so I don’t feel any cold and loneliness. Be my host, be my guidance. Let me feel the presence of ten thousand to chase the loneliness away.
Hold me gently. Let me feel thousand kisses from the sun, the moon, and stars. Dip me into a bath of honey, let my skin be saturated with it sweetness and gold essence.
Hold me and never let go. Hold me, let me be a tree, let me channel the energy from the trees. Up above the sky are my leaves, my hair, my ori being blessed by the sun. I channeling my inner most power from the sky that transfer down to my roots,my feet, my paths.
Hold me and don’t let go!
Sink in with me, let the electric that is wired in our veins synchronize. They are telling!
Hold me! Hold me will you? Can you feel it? Can you feel my heart beating!?
Take me, take me to the sunflower garden, let me lay flat on my back and let the sunshine on my face and my heart. Can you see them smiling? Can you see the smile of the flowers? I think the flowers are smiling at me and my heart smiles back.
— The End —