I didn't mean to let it change me.
I didn't mean to become your enemy.
They said

take the little blue pill once a day

and you'll feel better.
They have degrees for that kind of thing,
so like a compliant idiot,
I agreed.

Every day with a glass of water,
before I went to bed at night,
I downed the seed of my misery.
Our misery.

And while I wasn't looking,
it broke into my thoughts
into my actions
into my conscious

Made me feel guilty when
there was no wrong.
Made me lose track of
where I was going.  
Made me lose sleep
over unfinished conversations.
Made me lose sight
of the sparkle in your eyes.
Made me lose bits and pieces of
the person that you loved.

And I didn't see it
until it was too late.

**** doctors don't
know what they're talking about
after all -

telling people to pay
a small fortune to
lose the treasures they
don't even know they have yet.

Then when those treasures are gone,
when all they have is that little
blue pill and a glass of water,
Who are they then?
Who are you?
Who am I?

We're left as shells of who
we were,
because we swallowed tiny ***** of
hatred before we slept,
before we lied there
in contempt waiting for
something,
anything to take away that
feeling of emptiness
that
acidic churning
created by those
who told us all that it
would be okay.
That it would be better.

Let me tell you something.

Though I know that you're right,
that it will be better,
though I know that those little
pills haven't ruined me,
their effects will fade,

in this moment,
this moment that feels like
forever,
it won't be okay.
it won't be better.

And in this moment,
I need someone to blame.

And I can't blame the doctors,
because they thought
what they did was right.
And I can't blame you,
because you had nothing
to do with it.

I can only blame me,
because I saw it all
too late.

Because by the time I knew
I was spiraling endlessly downward,
I was already at the bottom.

I want to teach you
to forgive the world
starting at the beginning
and arriving at now,

I want to resurrect the naivety
of that blue-eyed
annoyance in the bedroom
down the hall
who stole my shoes and
my concealer

because i just wasn't
that observant

I want to take my cup
and drain the happiness into yours
because

I don't want it.

I want to know
i could give you movie night in the living room
and bedtime stories before lights out

give you what I didn't know I took

Evenings mornings afternoons -

here.

Take them.

We can pass them
around the table,
like trading cards.
I'll give you a morning,
you give me an evening,
trade until our decks are switched.

You take my cards,
you take each one,
learn the colors and
remember it
like it was yours to begin with.

Take a gulp from that cup
and let it drip down your chin,
I'll get you a napkin
while you live my moments,
drink them in.

If I could write them in a book
or paint them on the walls
I would,
     then you could see them.
you could take my place.

You take my memories,
and all my moments,
I'll take your tears
your tremors
your night-mares
your fears -

and i'll live those for you,

While you rewind
and laugh backwards
into my childhood

your childhood

A childhood with
tire swings
and Easter-egg hunts,
Christmas gifts
and pancakes at sunrise.
It's yours.

It doesn't feel real
to me anymore
anyway.

he wants me to smile,
so i do.
theres a little issue,
that smile isn't true

i walked into
class with my
sweatshirt on.
you looked
at me in
confusion.
and said
"forgotten! its
like a billion
degrees outside!"
"i dont
know.."

the teacher said
that we
were going to go
outside for class
and have some
free time.

we sat
on the log
away from
the others.
you made me
tell you
why i was
wearing the
sweatshirt

i told you and
you got tears
in you perfect
blue eyes
"you broke
a unicorn
promise."

you took my hand
and we walked back
to them.
you kissed me
and made me
unicorn promise
to try not
to break
the previous
promise.