There aren't enough
love poems
love songs
pencils
journals
dictionaries
thesauruses
to gather the words of beauty and pain you've caused this
foolish little ***** cuddled beneath my chest..

Silly of me to be silly for you...
only to leave
leave and find comfort in another
while  I was at our home, longing for your affection
thinking of ways to bring the flame back to our connection...

Naïve of me,
but the nerve of you...
You went outside of us
to find you
I bet you're still lost

...but you're human, so maybe you needed that
& I needed for your love to never become selfish

Tell me,
tell me in its entirety why I wasn't enough

Was I not gentle enough with your soul?

Or maybe,
Just maybe I could've stared deeper into your eyes when we made sweet love?

I guess I could've screamed your name louder when you made me squirt passion?

Was 27 hours across this country to get to you not enough dedication?

Was leaving everything and everyone at the drop of your heartbeat not enough sacrifice?

I don't have enough fingers to count the countless times I forgave you...

Love was in the way, so I went out my way countless times to put a smile on your face

It wasn't enough
I wasn't enough
In your eyes, we weren't perfect enough
I did everything that wasn't enough

She was enough

...I wasn't enough of her

I

We sit on a tailgate pointed toward
the hills, where life ripples down the slopes
gathers in pools of the creek and begins again
to climb up the peaks and tree trunks on the
other side. It colors the breaths we take
green.
Children run here, learn their legs, as stalks
graze their shoulders and block their
view. They get dizzy as rows rush by.
We rein in our bovine friends here, watch
them jump and kick, see them call in
spring

II

We walk between rows of highly stacked cement and exhale smog that drifts
upwards to
join the cloud of soot.
We walk among so many abrasive shoulders. We get
hung up on abrasive personalities.
A gray wave in a black sea we’re vapidly
drifting. Legs move quickly to stay afloat.
swimming. Swimming always. Swimming further.

III

We sit for pictures with clogged eyes and stuffed chests
We coo at portraits of masks and dummies
We write books for laughs and money and friends
We read a little to find the romance and sorrow
and lay cold on the slab while our own pages turn.

IV

We pass out of porcelain faces with their tightly
drawn eyes that cast gazes over shoulders, homes
of last night’s kisses. We pass out of the electrical
current of youth
numbed and still alive
with eyes that look like stained glass windows of the
Church of Holy Suffering.


V

We wait for Sunday night to turn the dial to the Blues. We keep throwing something for an animal to pick up and return.  We string beads and sell them for redemption.

VI

We think of our friends. They’re draped in a future,
warmed with hot blood rushing through their veins,
slamming fists to tables, pronouncing their minds.
ripping off dresses, sharing their madness.
tossing paint to canvas, showing their hearts.
asking questions to startle, proving their love.

VII

We think of our parents.
dead and gone, dead to us, dead by self-proclamation -
Is their blood cold and still in their withered veins?
Have they their fill of slamming fists and ripped dresses and tossed paint and startling questions?

VIII

We are sad.

Dear sea you seem to know me
My hesitations,
My insecurities,
My secrets,
And with your waves you taunt me
Entangling yourself in my regrets.

Dear sea you hypnotize me
Your peaks,
Azure swells,
Your depth,
With your seductive dance you call me,
Through hesitation I hold my breath.

Dear sea it's you that mocks me,
Your banter,
Your finesse,
Your flow.
You tease my feet that yearn to jump,
Knowing they aren't prepared to go.

Oh sea, you've been beside me,
Through tides,
Through storms,
Through shine.
Though somewhere in our voyage,
You stole something that was mine.

Sea, you stole my strength.
You bashed,
You stung,
I drowned.
Your waves took me in,
Your waves took me down.

But dearest sea, I still hold one secret.
One truth,
One desire,
One stake.
I hold within the power to rise,
To overcome your breaks.

So sea, rise I will.
Ill struggle,
Ill push,
Ill strive.
And although you took me under,
I don't regret the dive.