Their confusion was real.
His chief stating feathers swayed down his back,
While he laughed with the children,
And made sure they were always happy,
For they could do no wrong in his eyes.
He adored his leadership,
He raised his head proudly,
And smiled a gentle smile.
His people would never doubt him,
For he had led the longest.
But one day,
He threw his feathers into the river,
Said a solemn, short goodbye,
And walked down a trail of tears to join another tribe.
Nobody quite understood,
He was so happy, so loving,
The one to look up to,
But they never saw him again.

Slow suicide
On the porches of the houses on the hills.
In the cobblestoned sidewalks in the centre of everything,
The car frame almost melting in the mid day sun.  

The faces always look so sad,
And sometimes angry with me,
When I leave the coffee, barely touched behind,
And walk with my hands locked, leaving with someone I don't know.

Slow suicide
In the bathroom of a childhood friend,
In a painted cotton shirt.
Taking it off with the camera on me,
Held him captive in my body.

The faces look so pleased,
So in love with the moment, but not me.
When my thoughts turn demonic and ***** out the things I never thought I could say,
But there I went saying them.

Slow suicide
On the highway going 110,
In the radio, in the songs that sing me nearly to sleep.
The lights keep flashing but they don't bother me.

The faces don't show at all,
Except for the masked strangers in my head,
When I think away from the mess I've made in front of myself,
And try to disguise my impurities,
My strange fetish for fear,
But I try not to let it get cleaned up.

I heard once,
Actually, on several occasions,
That our hearts are as big as our fists.

And I believe there could be a love,
Somewhere,
That is untouched by age, time, looks...

But I think how small my heart must be,
My tiny fist,
Not even suitable for my size,
And I'm unsure if this could ever be attainable,
Though my ***** size has nothing to do with my emotional capabilities.

Or maybe I'm wrong...

How could she reveal it all, yet still be so mysterious?
I nearly choked on my drink when that beautiful mouth let such foul words grace her lips so soft and sweet.
Her stare gave me cancer,
As if it was finding its way deep inside me,
Hunting and sifting through my thoughts,
And she shot horrible looks of disapproval when I mentioned my favorite music and films.
Guess we have different tastes.

But god,
that laugh was so ******* divine I wanted to capture it in my pocket and save it for later.
She flashed her smile so briefly and sparingly,
Like the flashbulb of a camera, teasing
"Baby, don't you love me?"

I don't even know why I'm so entranced by a twenty year old smug *****.
She didn't even kiss me when we parted ways.

I feel like ****.
It's hitting me now.
Love doesn't last.
It doesn't last at all.
You can try all you want
But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.

What the **** does that mean?
What the **** does that mean?
It's not meant to work out?
What the **** does that even mean?

You spend years with someone and decide that's it for you.
You don't want to do it anymore.
You don't want to share a bed, or live together.
Or make love after a long day at work.
You'd rather be with someone new.
Start fresh with a stranger.
Why
Why
Why couldn't we have done it?
Why couldn't we have worked it out?
"It's not you, baby, it's me."
No it's me, baby, it's me.
What am i doing wrong?
Baby, tell me.
"I just don't feel the same as i used to."

And that's when it gets rough.
You pull a heart out of a chest and you can't stuff it back in.
You can't shove words back down your throat.
You can't change feelings.
Everybody thinks in love you can change their mind.
But once a mind is made up, it's not going to change.
It just feeds you words that make you want to curl up and disappear.
That make you feel so ******* stupid.
All the things I did for you,
All the time I spent on you,
All the love I gave you.

But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.

The connections we have
******* I feel them in my bones
More than the spirits that haunt this house
Like the ghosts of Christmas.

I heard the voices last night
Saying I can do better
And you on the phone pushing me through
Yeah, I'll love you forever.

I can't even write anything about you,
You're such a ******* it hurts my head too much
To write words that are strung together so sweetly,
Giving perfect metaphors of the things that remind me of you
Like spoiled food, deflated birthday balloons, decaying bodies.
"I'm so sorry, I know you're mad. I'll do anything."
How about you get some counseling and go **** yourself?
No, Really.
There's definitely something wrong up there
In your small dense brain,
Attatched to your spineless disgusting self.
I know you're probably constantly on here,
Checking to see if I've written a beautiful, heartfelt piece about you.
How's this one? you're pathetic.

I moved him in all the ways he wanted to move, but just couldn't.
I moved him the way the wind moves the newly freed leaves in October.
He swayed and he swayed and he swayed.

You said I'm out of my mind,
Am I getting in your head?
The days are too long,
Now you're staying in your bed.

You got your boyhood courage
Slung on your back,
Not enough to get you to next year still intact.

I'm not trying to romanticize the past,
It wasn't that great,
But we were young enough to still believe in fate.

And our souls didn't ache,
Like they do right now,
Maybe they did,
But it all feels different
Somehow.

Somehow.

Somehow.

You're the worst kind of person.
You take my problems and contrast them to your own.
You have no idea what it's like,
Grow the **** up!
I don't even think about you anymore except when you leave me pathetic voicemails,
Still wasting my time,
But now it's all ******* mine!
You're nothing to me.
You're nothing.
Tell me how it feels to be so worn out and worn in to?
That's how you always made me feel for 18 months!
You say sorry one time
You think that makes everything okay?
It doesn't, so *******!
I don't care what you have to say!
I'm not ready to go down that easily.
I'll never be ready.
You wore me down and washed me out, until I was almost transparent but I stood up for myself,
I was on the ground, gasping and you kicked the air out of my lungs,
You wanted me dead from the inside out!
Now I'm yelling in my bedroom on Sunday morning,
All these words I've been dying to cut out of me,
I don't care if you miss me,
You're a ******* liar!
You deserve nothing,
You are nothing to me!

Tell me we are nothing.
Tell me we are nothing so I won't have to worry where you are going when you say you can't tonight,
When you cancel last minute,
When you make strange excuses.
Tell me we are nothing so I don't get invested and I don't think about what I'll wear when I see you or what you're doing right now.
Please, please, tell me we are nothing so I don't cry when you disappear, so I don't tell you everything, so I don't think I am special.  
Please tell me we are nothing.
I don't want to fall asleep with you and just be a shadow in the background of your love.
Please tell me we are nothing.
Please.
Please.
Please.

I looked up at the setting sun today and something felt strange.
Leaning up against an old oak tree that used to hold a swing I would spend summer mornings on after tea,
And noticing the basketball hoop was now ridden with rust,
the one that my brother and I played with constantly
A decade or so ago.

And in this strong dose of nostalgia
I looked over to the pool,
now covered for the winter months,
And dreamt back into the summers I spent filling my lungs with air before taking a long dive and eventually breaking the surface into sunbeams
the top 40 hits on the radio once again.

I could almost hear the voices of all of my cousins and aunts and uncles,
The excited yelling and laughs at a party in this same backyard sometime so long ago,
And I just sat in the dark for an hour,
Contemplating with myself.
It's not normal for me to  wither in the past,
Because I know it's gone, and I know it's all just in photographs and thoughts,
But I couldn't get past how much everything has changed tonight.

What if I was born out of soft *** cries and blooming flowers?
If I was born from the tears of the people in the falling towers?
If I was made by the gods or nature and trees,
If I was made out of spite to bring my father to his knees.

If I was made out of fluorescent lights and ambient sounds,
If I fell from the sky onto unholy grounds,
What if I ****** it up real bad and they sent me from hell,
And I was born with no memory of it and no secrets to tell.

Or I was just born from my mothers womb,
Boring but probably true,
She took all her love and gave me my youth.
But I don't quite remember so I'll have to make things up,
Of how I was made and born here,
How I became bad luck.

Driving home at sunset,
I don't remember where I was coming from.
I keep seeing it, a brief image as I passed by,
A boy with a rusty old car,
parked on the side of the road,
Feeding the ducks in the pond small pieces of bread.  
I looked over for only a second and I don't know why but I felt so in love with him.
In my chest and in my stomach,
Like a thousand butterflies being released and  fluttering through my veins and circling my brain.
I just loved him so much and I'd never seen him before in my life.
I keep thinking about it again,
And again,
And again.
The boy feeding ducks and I just happened to pass by,
And I can't help but think that
Maybe I should have stopped to feed the ducks too.

Everything's a ******* lie,
I'm hollowed out and empty inside,
I don't regret it at all and that's the worst part,
I love the pain I feel when you **** with my heart.

I'm just a ***** in your car and a friend when you need me,
Use me up until you're  done, kiss my lips and then leave me,
I always do this to myself and it's no different than before,
My head kept begging me to stop but my heart kept wanting more.

I don't care if it hurts I just want it all,
I want the ****** but also the rise and the fall,
Ruin my soul and leave me broken,
But I'll keep my mouth shut,
The girl who's always soft spoken.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

Lips like candy floss,
Soft, sugary, and sweet
I was just this city to you
But you were the whole world to me.

I lay on my pillow
I reflect on it again and again
Trying to forget
But you're stuck in my head.

Can't move on any further
I'm stuck in one place
Stuck in my mind
Stuck on your face.

How you looked when you laughed
How you looked when you were sad
How you wrote down observations
In your pocket notepad.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

The spirit is a real thing,
No matter how badly we'd like to convince ourselves this is our only stop in the universe,
Or we are a fragment of some wild imagination.

And maybe we can't touch everyone,
And not everyone we've smiled at in our lives will remember us in the long run,
But our essence and energy will linger around those who got to love us,
And the places we bought our after work drinks and early morning coffees,
Keep them comfortable,
And give them reminders of who we once were,
The presence we offered,
Soft or strong,
Something still tangible even after we've found our way into the dark.

I never really remember when certain things happen.
They sort of just seem to be as if they were always there, and fade into the background of my life, but this was different. This time I remembered everything.

I remember the way I kept staring at him while he kissed another girl,
The light from the fire beaming on his face and burning me up inside.
But he was chasing another dream in a green knitted sweater,
So I kissed his cheek goodbye at 2:38 am and drove home while the lack of satisfaction sat in the pit of my stomach.

The feeling didn't last though.
He asked me to dinner the next night after a few bad jokes and exchanges of numbers; I've never seen someone fall so fast from across the table for someone they barely knew, but it happened right in front of me.
Afterwards, I laid in his bed and kissed his mouth with a tenderness that had been unknown to me, leaving most of my sadness in my purse and a bit of my soul on the pillowcases, singing to him.  

I kept thinking and dreaming,
But ****, I just fell right in.
And everyone could tell.
I was losing my mind in a storm of emotions,
They'd say, "who'd you lose it to?"
And I'd be anxious and unwilling to admit to anything deeper than friends.

But I ******* felt it. I couldn't deny that it was a knife stabbing through my porcelain flesh, ripping me open again,
Yeah, I ******* felt it.

And my favorite thing to remember: so much so that it nearly consumes my head these days.

Sunday night role playing that started off as a joke, like role playing often does, but quickly escalated.
I laughed while I pressed my tongue to the inside of his cheek, and smiled when I licked his face; But for some reason, he looked at me like a person can only ever dream to be looked at. It's hard to put into words, but he looked at me the way people look at the ocean waves as they roll in to shore.
And that's when I knew.
And I couldn't forget about it.

It's sinking into me again
Or maybe I'm sinking into it.
The darkness that washes over me,
And stains my skin and spirit.
I keep soaking in the bath in the hope it'll leave,
But alas...

Wish I wasn't so in my head,
Ripped from the outside where I have been content for so long,
Now I'm always looking out the windows,
Longing for a trouble.
I need attention,
There's no stimulation to keep me functional anymore.
God,
Someone ******* hit me or something.


I got pulled over today
Going 50 miles over,
And he told me I could've killed myself,
But at least I wouldn't be so bored anymore.

I don't want to think about what could have been,
I don't really want to know.

In the flashes of heaven's light
In the hallway of my complex
The look in your eyes
Releasing a flight of butterflies
Into the pit of my stomach
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the sleepy dawn's break
In the highlight of my night
I feel you in my chest
Like a soft song on the radio
With the volume turned all the way up
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the soft cotton sheets upon my bed,
In the spaces between my mind, body, and soul
I can taste you on my tongue
Like sweet raspberry jam
On a hot summer morning
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

Too much of a woman to keep being a girl.

I can't stop thinking about how everyone is someone, but at the same time everyone is no one.

Who do you vent to when you can't trust anybody?
I feel like I'm constantly growing away from everyone I've ever known.
All my branches moving in different directions,
My leaves change seasons,
But everyone else stays the same.

I feel like I'm shoved into boxes, labeled who I am, what I am, and what I will be.
I feel like I can't tell anyone the truth without being on the edge of losing them, or being told I am wrong, or that I don't fully understand.

I feel like I am underestimated a lot of the time.
Nobody believes that I can do whatever task it is I set out on,
That I am just an ambitious fool,
There's always someone smarter, more proactive, more charming,
Yet, I am trusted to make leading decisions when nobody else can be certain of the next move.

I feel tired of being looked at like I am less,
Whether it be by the tattoos dressing my skin,
My dark lipstick painted mouth,
Or the amount of people who have seen my naked body.

I feel tired of being lied to by everyone I know about small insignificant things.
I feel tired of being out of place everywhere I go.

Remember when we were young and our parents weren't dead yet?

You ever get that feeling when you're trying to look into snow as it's falling and you just get lost in where it's coming from and where it's going?

That's kinda how I feel when I look at you.

Shouting like a siren in the back of your mind,
In the back of your yesterdays.

I understood well,
My place in your heart,
My place in your dresser drawers,
My place in your bed.
Shivering like the twigs on a cold winter morning, after a long heavy snow,
With wings gliding the surface of dead rose bushes,
A wish I might be granted if you'd give it to me.
Shaking your fist in the air,
You had just forgotten and now you've remembered me again after eight ******* years,
Your eyes still hungry to see my face light up in the passenger seat of your car,
Left alone for eternity by a stranger,
What a waste.
Looking up at the sky forever but I can't remember the phases of the moon,
You could never find me,
Disappeared like a cookie on the counter.

A Thursday is no day to sit inside and cry,
I'm fine.

He was quick and he was nothing,
Almost something, but still nothing.
He had an unattractive uncertainty of himself,
And desire to change into whatever I would love,
But I would never love anything about him.

He was transparent and flimsy,
He tripped on every word he spoke to me,
He was a shadow to step into on occasions of loneliness,
And that was all.

But as all things do,
even that became old.
I wore dark lipstick to draw him away from my mouth,
And bared my cold shoulders to keep him estranged from any warmth I had left.

And he still loves me, for some horribly stupid and poetic reason.

A wildflower painting,
Hung up on the wall,
No room to let it feel the sun,
Or grow up big and tall.

The colors still boasted brightly,
Of heavenly blue and pink,
But all that time on the wall gave the wildflower time to think.

About why it wasn't like the other flowers,
The ones outside in the heat,
The ones with chances to see the world and grace new people's feet.

About why the rain always hit the petals, so delicate and sweet,
Of the wildflowers outside that she never got to meet.

A wildflower painting hung up on the wall,
Turned out to not be such a wildflower at all.

It's been drifting through the halls like a breeze sneaking through the window again.
I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

She came in through the door with Merlot stained teeth,
Speaking soft cries for the past in a high pitched voice for a few moments on the phone,
"Remember the first time I told you I loved you?"
"But we were different then."
And man on the other line,
I remembered who he was, with his thick rimmed glasses and bright blue eyes,
Stole the heart of my sister and a bit of her soul,
Now he just gives her a few minutes of his time as a small reminder.

I myself felt unwell.

My chest still felt swollen in a message from a match strike of a love,
Delivered by friends nonchalantly on the couch.
I drowned him in my aura
And set his heart on fire,
Too fast and too soon,
And it broke his heart too.

I'm trying to let it be nothing,
Take it out of myself like loose change in my pockets.
Let it be the nothing like it really almost was.

I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

And
And
And
Please don't look at me that way,
Like I'm someone here to save you,
I'm just in an odd position,
Catch me in the brief moments when I'm around.
Is it the inconsistency that draws you?

Wish I was something else,
Or we were on different  planes
Where we weren't just floating parallels,
Maybe we'd collide?


Sorry.

I write a lot about being in the passenger seat,
In cars that are beat up,
Or sometimes they're luxe.
About soft linens and and duvets like winter's best angels,
About smoking Marlboro reds on front porch steps.
About cold and blank mornings.

I write a lot about coffee shops.
Looking out the window and watching passerby's,
Feeling the sonder seep into my bones,
About the ones who smile at me,
Those I don't know,
And those I eventually get to meet.

I write about falling in love,
Getting my heart broken,
*** with strange men,
Which was only one time.  
When I felt loss in my chest and got carried away.

And so I want you to feel me the way I feel all of these things that I can't help but be so obsessed with and I don't know why.

I miss when you were a child you would pretend you were an airplane,
Spread your arms out and run across the backyard like it was the sky
And you were flying over the baseball parks and lake nearby,
Back when your shoes had Velcro straps because you couldn't tie them,
And you took naps every day so you would grow up tall and good.

I miss when you were a child and you weren't always so apprehensive,
You took chances and had faith in your yourself like a bird with its wings,
And tomorrow wasn't even considered
Because today there was so many things to see.
Back when that mushroom haircut wasn't your decision
And mom only allowed you to have sugar free lollipops after the doctors,

Yeah, I miss that so much.

I miss when you were a child.

Bury the satire under pillows and sheets,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?
I keep reading the stories of older women who will someday be me,
Why can't I see?
Why can't I see?
In the glasses I fill with wine,
In the rooms that smell of pine,
The cheek that's touching mine,
When will I be?
When will I be?
I am thinking all alone
Calling strangers on the phone
"Hey it's me. It's me. Hello?"
I am reaping what I've sown,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?

Wanna get to know you,
Feel you inside,
What's your favorite song?
I wanna know what your laugh is like.
Your face looks like the sky after the snow,
Your scent like the rain in a fully bloomed meadow,
I want you in the winter.
Baby, I want you in the winter.

We can wake up and make coffee,
Or maybe just sleep.
I can feel your spirit next to me and it flooding me with electricity,
You ever feel that way?
Well, maybe it's just me.
But I want you in the winter,
Baby I want you in the winter.

Because what is love without a little cold weather?
What is love without a little bite?
Keep me warm with the whiskey and your cigarette breath,
Keep me warm in the blankets of a soft pale moonlight,
The way you light me up like a million strands of tiny bulbs,
I want you in the winter,
Baby, I want you in the winter.

So I keep asking myself why I keep trying to fight these battles
I know I have already lost,
And never looking forward enough to recognize the cost.
When this had been a train with no stops to let myself recover,
And I was constantly leaving my imprint in the thoughts of all the others.
I was trying to heal without letting it cross my mind,
Of the time I was touched and the choice wasn't mine.
I kept building all my relationships on vanity and lust
When I realized there wasn't anyone left I could trust.
Maybe I needed to grow up a little,
Gain some self respect back,
Stop smoking cigarettes and drinking six packs.
Maybe it was my fault and I miscalculated my moves,
And I was a pawn in chess and he was a black shadow in the corner of the room.
I wish I could've told someone earlier,
Rebuild the barriers that were crossed,
I just keep asking myself why I keep trying to fight these battles
I know I have already lost.

I don't know where it went.

There was passion in places and there were ethereal faces that needed to be described in the most extravagant way to the people who didn't get a chance to see them.

There was New York City lights in my eyes and cigarette ashes that peppered the snow and blew away in the freezing wind.

I was in love with myself and nobody else,
I was looking for hope in old second hand books,
In dream decoding, in slight movements of bodies.

I don't know where it went.

There was time that never seemed to end,
And words that rushed in like the evening high tide,
Pressing its hands on my throat,
Forcing me until I'm gasping
Write it all! Write it all!

And it was there but where has it gone?
Somewhere among the stars where all our other dreams go when we wake?
I've been searching for months, maybe it's something I've done to myself by mistake.
I don't know where it went.

I envision you in your Sunday best
Taking off my clothes in my tiny one bedroom apartment.
Just enough space for you and me.
Kissing my neck and moving down my torso,
Down to my heart shaped box.
But I'm stuck here alone,
Just for now.
Touching myself,
I like it so rough.
pretending it's you,
You,
You,
Oh my god, yes you.
I want you so bad right now.
I can see you in my head,
My breathing gets so quick,
I crave your touch every second,
I can't be satisfied.
Give me what I want.

You give me that feeling
Like I've been missing out on something my whole life.
You washed ashore from the bar into my doorway,
Kissed my sleepy eyes.
I wanna take you all the way,
I ran out of things to say an hour ago
But I can't lose you now.

A state of gymnophoria I'm not well adjusted to,
Sink your teeth into my soul,
Just a little,
You could be the one I've been looking for.

I think I might be in too deep already
Taking a plunge into rose colored lips
I wanna see you more than just one night,
I wanna see you tomorrow morning.

Don't call me baby
I don't care
Why don't you stop wasting your time on someone who's only half there?

I'm not trying to be the protagonist
And this time I am the bad guy,
Fine,
I've been the one so back and forth with making up my mind.

I can't answer your calls when I'm out getting my friends
I'm tangled in the webs of drinks, faces and heads,
Please don't get upset, I don't want you mad,
But when I'm not around, it's because I'm trying not to feel sad.

And you've told me so many times you would fill the holes,
And you're trying too hard to make me hot when I'm cold,
I wish I did care, but I don't have the time
To think about life with you in mine.

I know I know I know it'll come back to me,
I'll be a lonesome queen someday,
But you can call someone else baby
And they'll feel the same way.

I just want to be untouched by this
Laying on the living room floor like the rug with a black book and some pens,
Old records and their crackling can fill the room but it won't make it better.
I think I'm better left to think for myself and I'm better left to be misunderstood too, maybe.
I don't need you to work out my complexities.

And you said that I could undo you,
Well I already did,
Took off your clothes and pulled you into bed,
I miss you all the time even though you can't tell,
I miss you so much even though you can't tell.

I write about it all the time,
Your mouth, your mattress, your bad habits and everything you tell me .
How come I hid from you when you passed the drugstore window?
I don't know,
I don't know why I do a lot of things.
I just want to be untouched by this.