I played the guitar on the steps last year
when I tried
to be a friend to you


I played the piano
in the afternoon when I tried to be a good guy

I played the string
in the evening when
I tried to be a joker

I played the kazoo
when I ran out of things to do

you knew it all along --

talent is something we laugh at
when we're staving out  on the vine  --- rolled over too many times

As I write i feel the humming in my head like a hummingbird pecking fruit. I hear my tinnitus and I hear a running faucet. I hear the distinct sound of nothing and I lay here on my bed with my mesh shorts
I have nothing to say but I've simply reflected on my life quite a bit. I need to make a load of changes. I won't spam poems of despair if I'm not actively making an effort. I have a fair idea how this will all end, but the effort is worthwhile nonetheless.

I have $55
I walk into a grocery store and buy lemons

I walk into a post office and hear hissing

I sold the old stolen bike.

I am a prayer to noone
Battered and bruised but the pain is a reminder of my persistence.

I have moved on from toxic relationships and that has left me with no relationships. Maybe I'm the problem. But I'm not giving up. I'm giving in
To my better self

cut throat



with no one in the hall.



it's about 10:30 now--

so the tv is off.


bed time insomnia and ill will.


I still dream of you sometimes

sometimes
you just
sit there asking
yourself
if you're
okay.

''are you okay?"

I sit
and breathe,

and a few
tears
form.

i'm smiling,

and I just like
to hear
a few
crickets
dancing
in
the leaves.

now that
they're
no
longer screaming

fat
ugly

and smoking

when it's

8.50$ a pack

why?


buying beer
so I don't get hard-liquor
'cause then it's over.


no car-

at least I walk to my JOB sometimes--

paranoid
mainly because I'm the only one foolish enough to actually walk in this heat.


haven't heard from my pal
for going on 2 years now-- I forget why--
just a case of bitterness that festered for too long.

trying to write some music-
but is anything worth doing
if you have to
TRY?

don't we just live to squeeze out as much happiness as we can so
why
bother with something
that's painful?


writing this is sometimes painful

but it's easy and a lot more effective than a song usually.

I'm no good

no good

no good


no god
there is no god-


someday I'll be the happy kid riding my loony tunes bike
for the
1st time.


what a shame to have peaked so early-


it's ok

flies bite me and you,
your body like a slab of ivory
I never wanted to eat ***** more than when I saw your pink and succulent ****; I tongued it as long as I could.  & you smelled like tangerines and berries, but
watching you try on those cute yet gaudy outfits aroused me the most; the fact you trusted my input.
& you shampooing that dark black hair in the tub with the door open, I never saw a greater contrast between light and dark.
I almost felt love,
I almost felt good in this daydream town- as though astrology was real ,  
   and I hung on to your every word like a happy fool, devoid of
    sorrow--- just awaiting a kiss from your lips,
cherry red

the only thing stopping you from greatness is the fear that
others
won't find you great

Let the professionals have their $500 vintage typewriters and Mac book pros in sunlit nooks with chirping birds and glacial water coffee and decadent street humming.

Poetry should be written with red eyes at 3:22am in a stuffy room on a cracked smart phone.
There are no rules actually, but it's how
I manage

I feel like I've suffered brain-damage and it makes me feel bad.  maybe too many nights alone does it.  my vocab is bad  and my thought process is dull and stiff .  I splash water  and burn up a little.
too  think I had it all  .

I   can  still point  at  saturn

Laid up sick in bed , with 3 rolls of toilet paper at my side
I ******* for the 13th time

There's a bottle of OJ in an iron canteen
and a Mexican
Flute perched in my grandma's arms who sadly succumbed to her
       sorrow

the mucus drips drown and 3 girls wanna **** me. If I didn't have aids I'd **** them tomorrow instead of Wednesday
I
latch onto a common thread
which
Is
don't share too much of yourself
unless you wanna be caught

Can I read something good
Just
Vacate
Inoculate yourself. Porches in May.
She lays down down like wilted sun
Flowers

I have to move all these poems somewhere else-
thinking
about having
to drag them one by one,
then deleting them,
then assembling
them and publishing on a website and having them sit

brings me pain.

it's like dragging a ''REMBRANDT'
but the ******* thing is 2,000 pounds.

not worth the effort

8 8
99
8. ٪&^٪[9⁸⁷⁴⁹²²⁴⁶ 6⁶⁷⁶³ ⁵ ⁹ ⁹ ⁰ what happened to grieving

New years day
A mile away
Bleeding hearts on display
Walk a mile
And turn around
The loudest cheers
Aren't from the crowd

I sip my drink
I crash my head
I walk off the peer
Straight into bed
I puff a light
I flip the switch
2020
Can't tell which is
which

I look at the star 50,000 light years away.

I ask,

why did your father put me here?

82 iq blues

  START now
What's for food. She melted the walls with her eyes. What of it . I talked to blind mice. Cadaver with a nose like pain. Begotten and strung by lines. We float on.  I kissed a girl and liked it.  I went alone through the wilderness like sissyphus and produced a bear. Age had me down. You took the number.  Ha . Keep the coins 999999999

888

85th presidents
Parades for flags. Bombing children and eating ***. Where were you then?
Keep your ******* hallelujah. Keep your hypocrisy. You're not my brother son. You're my shovel and this is our grave

back up

a  test.

12  on the dot

as it rains

turning    into  mist.


alive no doubt

I hope I meet god so I can spit in his face.
I hope I meet Satan
so I can show him real torturous cruelty
I hope I meet a child so I can say I'm sorry
I hope I meet a mother so I can ask who are you?
I hope I can meet an animal to ask why it's so calm in the face of death
I hope I can meet a star to see where its black heart resides
I hope I can smile when there's nothing left of us
And the tears flow into the dark abyss with everything else, lost & unsure

the serial killer speeks

and he listens to Debussy,

and red handle in the stairwell,  a knife to the back  and a single sigh.

the moon is bright tonight,

and the shoveled snow
makes a puddle in the driveway
which seaps to town.


3 nickles on the windowsill, half a call to your shadow.

''I want
to dance''

She dances and it's beautiful.

if only there were more than 5 minutes to the day and 5 seconds to contemplate the buzz in the air.

sweet dreams,
  I don't need
to say more        , your smile says it all

so my grandpa died.  I didn't really know him.    He played guitar and taught me Tears in heaven.
he had a star tattoo he got in '49.

He drove a jeep-

he had 2 cats,
   and liked to sing gospel choir.

his room had floral
curtains.

he had a shotgun that i shot.

I liked him.  Not everything is profound

I just liked him

when you bury me,
just play motion picture soundtrack.

I want to sleep in the dirt,
I want to smell daffodils. I want to stare at the blue sky. I want to burn in the heat. I want to play with my toy. I want to
be here.
I want to be the now.
play
saturns children
by electric wizard.

play
sunday morning by velvet underground. give me love, so I can pretend that it mattered.

you are so

precious/..//.././/././././././..//..//.././\\


precious

why is it every time
that a girl laughs i assume they're laughing at me?

big boisterous,
hearty laughs that shake the whole house.

laughing at me
or the idea of me

i laugh too

I think if this beautiful girl I knew who used to be my first crush. She would give me back massages in class and had beautiful purple eyes. Then one day I asked her out. She said "no" and it hurt me.

Anyway she's been dead for the last 6 months just checked Facebook. I had deleted my Facebook so I didn't know.
****** overdose. 23. Gone.
And what will it all mean.

What will I mean.

I will cut my neck open
And draw on the walls.

I don't care if summer comes.


I dream about flies and maggots.

I *******
Feed The wide     Hole



I dance   on the street
Screaming

Screaming for more

i puff on  a popcorn  scented vape

i tilt the fan like so

i look out the blinds

and see a guy strutting around like elvis

i see an old lady
with her 80s Walkman
picking up her dog ****

i see a mailbox that's full and full of amazon junk

i see a cloud whose belly is full
and is ready to spill on the grass

i see a dead ******
on the dirt
i see a horses' dung

i see a
yellow banana dangling from the 2nd story

i see a childs' guts
on the asphalt

I see a 3000 ft ice cream cone

I  see the face of god

I've seen it all

what now

I'll forget this in an hour


just   like  a dead rose on the table,

or a box     of  
wrist watches.


I'll forget
I even wrote

''Jupiter   in bloom makes
for a                                   lovely  airspace''

Running shoes,
just like   the profile   ,  and the pictures,
and the posts,
and the blood  ,  and membrane
and procedures on the   cranium

baggage   without   ever carrything anything.


the load is yours.

& you'll   either live by it ,
or you don't.

      I choose neither.

I could live in the ice.
  I don't mind heat but
95 isn't pleasant. what work can you do?
    lobster red in 5 minutes
raking a lawn and watering a bush.  so you sit inside and eat popsicles.
   and it's too hot to lay down and the fan is 2 watts. the toaster in the tub cools it off quick,
  with the electrolytes and all.  another day for swimming

pisssing


on the porch
as the backlight   illuminates
the hall.


a lizard sits on the porch
and the ghost
of your    deer-skin pop


glows in the den.


I haven't a clue.


but I have 3 tickets to South America.



they wish
for

a snowy
summer.



I wish I was                    here


now.


2. +2
-
4


  good luck
god

All we have to our names are flies in a *** of stew and *** in our subway
sandwich
We kiss leaches and we pray to idols.
Step off the ladder, there is an
eternal light, like deniro in mean streats.
Capiche

Do you feel any better when you've been stuck inside?
Do you think it hurts me?
The only thing that hurts me is
a dead bluebird when I'm walking to work at 5 am.
I dont care who you ****, or how you parade yourself.
I'm a man now. Only the boy would have been bothered, because he couldn't bear to be alone with his thoughts, unperturbed, resiliant; he needed company.
Now my thoughts are company.
Now the wind has something to
say, and I listen

writing just to write is sickness     or a means of self psychiatry


it's really really
late

and i like to pretend i'm drunk because I've quit drinking and doing  drugs like a loser about a year ago.

but i like to ramble.

capitalization should be prioritized more.


WAKIING up tomorrow
at noon and sunbathing.

buying a glass of milk   and maybe finally talking to someone
rather than just myself all the
time

Couldn't believe it, I planted a tree, and where was the false
God?

When I look away I fall forward. Nice  to know, account down, so was the  
promise of reclusion. I always find my way back

12       hours  is all it takes  for the shore line to recede and return into

a crumbling abyss
overlooking an  albatross prairie.


if There was no alternative
then what is your  choice?

I see she is a baker ,,   and      a mincer and maid   and protagonist
to a fairytale.

she is tall
and weary.

the nicest eyes ---    but still so  malevolent.

I take a bath in the cold air,   as the leaf  sits like a balloon  on   a gush-geiser blowing crystals 3000ft into the air
no room for the  wanderer.


I PICKED UP THE TOME

I read the last chapter.  

What you said about throwing your own book into the night
weeping for what may have come to her
struck me as profound.

not a lot touches me.

nothing is shocking anymore which  is perhaps a good thing.
That means we're getting back to content.

I love death metal  -
but pure shock is empty.

******* the fetus
with a screwdriver and bashing it into a pulp
while I feed the mucuousy remains
to my mother---


okay
i said it, now what?

heil ******.

okay?


I'm glad I got it out of me when I did.  It certainly made a noise--

and that's important when
no one is listening

I cried for you
like a little baby, and here I am at 5am writing a poem for you because I can't stop thinking about you and how you touched me in a such a profound way.
I'm not even angry anymore, and you deserve most of it, but it just seems so abrupt and cold this end.
I can see you online witg your posts, but you're not here. You have fundamentally vanished, decased, erased from my life, and I can't accept it.
There's too much invested, but you're gone,
And I'm gone too.
And you're heading off to some brilliant future with a newly kindled love in a city with potential, and I'm still here.
I can't just spontaneously love like you can or others can. I take ******* years.
I dont let anyone in. Noone knows me, not even my mother.
I will still be sitting here and I want to reach out.
I'm tired of the failures, and you leaving just amplifies my feeling of worthlessness.
I can't keep being alone, and a recluse. It is killing me,
I can't keep hiding, I can't keep dreaming,
I need to be free.

Free by any means

go go
toad

pidgeon scratched paper in red ink

neon slipper
agua

black ****** bamboozled

blessings

for the in rest
in  a setting

give it all back

fools good
for the furnish

why don't you
scam

  easy tiger
easier timer  it's a good slam
slam it down

down in chimney holes

laugh after

Just a perpetual sadness
Pure light out here;
In total illumination
And the darkness settles further into my
Cage
I am
A hospitable host

Always stuck,
always searching
Always condemned, always writhing in agony as the ropes of hell
tighten around my

neck.

Always questioning,
Always forgetting,
That the truth is usually a lot less interesting than the lie.
Some men go insane, most just die

The lightswitch turns off, and so do the shadows that illuminate treachery in my soul.

good   night,
and sweet dreams to the
   ants that cover my bedside cookies. the milk is half
drunk

when I was older


I crammed it in gently . I sat back and yawned . I fled thru the forest in a blaze . I bellowed out in agony. I flipped over the bench. I spat the puke. I itched the back. I sprayed the cologne. I beat the poet. I beat the fool. I said ''ONLY THE GIANT IS ALLOWED''. I danced incoherently in the pool sun. I baked your cake. I ''died young''. I FINGERED THE JAM. I sped out of control
I didn't care.


I wanted purpose to be an accident

What was once green is yellow
& The pockets are lined with bent cigarette stems

I saw a little girl painting on a sidewalk.
I went down to the bench
& Wondered what
It felt like to be alone again

Today was just practice

its so cold   ..     my nose in running
and my  breath is fogging up the screen.  
my hands are blue.    my shrub is dead  .
my coffee is
slush.

my         hair breaks off in chunks when
i shower.


i'm here all alone.

          i   talk   to pictures of  
john goodman.


i  go on forums i shouldn't

I    I   I      I    I

   i  don't really    exist
i don't exist

Time will let me down the mosquito ***** its nectar
I await with pale hands and balloon strewn nooses, hopeful but not naíve.
If I was to fall now it would be to my feet. She smiles,  as she's supposed to.  What a life

this is your last goodbye
this is your last note in the sand

your last puff of smoke swirling in the charcoal night air
the last smack of your lip
the last
cube in your drink
the last static frequency absolved from your television,
the last text from your phone
the last sigh from your lung
the last
shirt from your back
the last
laugh from your soul
the last
kiss in the grass,
the last tear as you pull away.
the last promise,
the last excuse,
the last wish,
the last exit.
the last journey to somewhere where the shadows are kind.  last goodbye ,
last  goodbye. it's over

I think I believe in God again.  I hated him like I did my own father for a while, but he was always there, I just chose to ignore him and I'm ready to talk again
It's been too long. How's Mom?

I feel bad because I'll never be what you want me to be.
The problem is that I genuinely don't care and I guess that's why you're attracted to me. I'm perpetually out of reach and indifferent and
I don't feel compelled to keep you around nor reach out, but when you leave for good that's when I'll miss you. That's when I'll regret not having done more to hold onto you.
It's a trait of psychopathic narcissism;
I love the idea of being loved, but actually being in love is too much. I cant give you that power even when I know you only meant good
And now I have nothing, because I refused to receive even when you were prepared to give me
Everything

the   hobo      scram  


with the eagle face tattoo.

bitter wine and 2cent   deodorant.

the suitcase with linen shirts     and a dreamstation  ---   ****** up?
****** up?

***** **** with the crucifix? and the hotdog seizure?

you cut my **** up
like a   ((()))

spending money on your ham.

baby
got me a    tan  --- -   1056   i aint garden fool.

packed up     in      lentil  bean   gravel.   on a road less traveled .    2 words add up
to a    diatribe.    get more
sunlight

plasma

  on the wall



a           few tears for the ones who   didn't make it


.


i can't hate.

i can't hate   anymore.


I hurt myself


i cursed my self,

i sabotaged    my own  life--

and threw away my opportunity.

i kicked out people
who cared-
and   insisted on  fighting for me.


But  I thought I knew better.

now i'm paying for it --   and the dull ache     in my head  haunts          me  ,

and the dim
shadow


  entices   me

It doesn't hurt

why even write

                         I don't need to explain.

I watch the windowpain,
I  dip into a black sun.

what the **** is the problem,

yu drive me home ******* 6 times? and call me a ******* sweetheart and you're too busy? just to spend a little ******* time ? you dumb ****? I ******* hate you and hope you ******* burn in hell after I cut your ******* head off you ******* *****

                               took a shower,

laid in bed,
drinking some JD I don't care.

first time in about year,
I 'm boring and have no vices.         life is boring .
                     I should have
been

a killer,
I would have respect.

                                 I  don't need                                              

this           any                                                 more


heart
like                           solid ice