cant breath
its happening again
the ocean goes hightide
my body refuses to move
I sink into oblivion
my tears become
one with the ocean cries

cant breath
the stars take me into the night
lost in the darkness
frozen in space
my tears refuse to leave my eyes
they freeze in the night

unwanted memories rush in

this feeling is suffocating

I dreamt of you last night
the bitterness of seeing you again stung
like salt to an opened wound
I was exposed
my truest colors being one with the wind
your truest smile still fresh in my memory

In this nightmare
you still loved me
as I loved you
it scared me
the feeling of having my best friend back

In the beginning
I thought it was real
then realization kicked in
It was merely relived memories
I still miss you sometimes

When I awoken
tears still fresh from emotion
laid upon my face
the melancholy taste still stung my heart
I wanna forget about you again
it hurts to remember
how much you mean to me

I cant help but wonder
if the ghost of our happiness
haunts you too

I continue to drown
and fall
but for a moment
I freeze, stuck in the atmosphere

Today is the day I was born

not a special day, not for me
so happy birthday to my twin

Happy Birthday Felix.

you never did

you just assume

your fake

you pretend

liar.

you don't get it
and you never will

It was clear
but my vision was blurred
it was right in front of me
but to blind to see
was my eyes in the night
when the sun goes down

the moon was my light
but the moon wasn't in sight
not that night

everyone knows the truth
monsters only come to play
when the sun goes down

tears fall
hearts break
smiles fade
people change
when the sun goes down

I never once made you happy
not once
you smile of pity and not pride
proud is something you'll never feel for me
I tried, you know
tried to be what you wanted
but trying isn't enough is it?
I never made you proud
seems to me like I'm a disappointment no matter where I go
its hard smiling all the time
hoping you'll give me a real smile back
its harder pretending everything is fine
the weight of the world cant compare to the weight of this
its heavy and cold
my heart is tired
shall it rest here for a little?
I never once wanted or asked to be this way
I never asked to hurt or to be hurt
I never asked for pain
but with love comes pain I suppose

its been a while. I know.
new year but same old nightmares.
I'm still afraid,
fragile,
and alone.
my demons still follow me.
2020 ended but my depression did not.
this can be a new start.
although that may be true,
I'm not made new.
deep down I'm the same person
weather I "change" or not
to me, I'm the same as I've ever been.
I'm still fighting,
still scared,
still so very very alone.
this year can be different,
and so can I.
fake it till you make it I suppose.
2020 is over.
hello 2021.