I am that strong girl
Who cares but, don't say
Who cries and feel the pain
Who acts mysterious but, she knows it's just a game
She thinks but, her thoughts are all over the place
She knows she is bigger but, still playing with those beginners what a waste!
She's been hurt so many times, now she doesn’t know where to begin in this race
Are they with us? Or are they our enemies?
But, now she knows them by the face
She gives what she needed the most
But, they don't know
She asks herself “do they really deserve it?”
every time she forgets herself
Yeah that girl, who questions every relationship she has
Like there's a lot of them ..
But when she give, she gives hard
Love hard, livs hard
She knows how much she is Beautiful
But does she ?
She always says it to herself
But is she really?
Because she got lost between the words she write
You know, it's the only way to express herself
She doesn’t  tell anybody if she was sad
She doesn't even cry
She just says “I hate the world”
Basic right?
But she says it in her own way
She says it with hope inside, she knows there is a better way, she got to discover it , but with out herself?
Oh darling what a sad story you have
But they don't know they judge you from the outside
But you are who you are and you don't care.

Silent baby
Love alone, don’t worry other people
About your tears
Silent hill, but somehow it tells me to look down
Just to imagine how it looks if I jumped to this beautiful shore
So blue to you if you’re so shallow
It’s dark to me but, that excites me
Where the real colors are
Don’t show me just a painting, tell me all about the emotions
Tell me that you cried once or twice
I really don’t care I just want to write about it.

I don’t recall being happy now that i am not
I don’t recall a day with out sadness,
Diving into the blue mood slowly coming up for a little bit of air
Didn’t think i need more, never thought the world would have colors
I see colors but, my mind didn’t take them in
Coffee going in like water, nothing...
My system is about to shutdown,
Walking around- feeling like at any minute now I’ll fall, I’ll hit the ground
Constant pain, thinking sleep will help but,
As soon as i open my eyes it hits me again
No relive, no help, no support
And feeling every feeling but totally  numb, hoping but, really desperate

War is where loneliness comes from
I took it upon myself
But loneliness isn’t death
And fighting is part of this mess

War is an option for those who have power
Counting dead bodies from the other side of the tower is a win for them
Sitting on their fancy chairs, feeling the ground they wouldn’t bear.

I learned that it's always ok to die, to cry, to fly, To fill the emptiness inside with stupid lies, to Hate, it's always ok cause it's your faith
It's ok to struggle with your pain
You are numb, but you are in the same way
You feel, I feel but, we bury our feelings in the same field
Encouraging  they sound, they just want you to Jump from the same height
You know it's ok to be afraid from the light
Cause you were born in dark times
It's always okay, but when will it be ok to be okay?
When will i have a good day for the whole day !
Cause I'm trying to embrace
I look all around me, and i see rehabs
Them people need a decaf
This is where you are trying to put me at
But I am going to put you at it, amma show how to be a drug addict
But this is what I’m trying to do, write my Feelings down so i can beat you
You're being unresponsible
But the funny thing is, you are who helped me grow, but I still know Im weak inside but wont let it show, won't let them stupid people know that i still have hope
And just want you to know
I always let the door closed, just for you to sketch your feelings and go.

Caving
Preparing yourself to get hit
And i never thought i would say it, but really My body was numb
All that time i was thinking
I wish i had bruises, scaring and a life with out The intention of getting hit
I asked god for help
I like to think that it's coming soon
But I don't think it will do
Hope won't do it all
And hope won't do it all
And I don't think i will be able to stay strong
Cause hope won't do it all
And my tears won't fall
I feel guilty and I deserve more
And i will get beaten, till hope wash it all.

It hurts to see my pain in my eye
I just want to see the end when it ends
I want to see the cold rusty me
The dryness to be, the biggest part of me
The ego that ran; to be free
And the horrible pain in my chest
Has became essential
And even if i sing my poems
It will be crazy to believe me
So i say let's sing it together
Since I'm already crazy to think that this pain will ever go away
It's mixed up with my blood
So that leads to cutting my hand open and letting the pain be a blood bath
I wish I could be alive to see that
Full of satisfying emotion.

I don't care
That's what my mom says
It's not fair, that's what my heart says
justice? Who does it these days
I’m ok but my heart disagrees, you know it's only good when you say it's good
Don't calm me down, don't even say it's okay cuz those tears never fall with out me saying “no please no” so i suffer then i let them go
But you will never know, that's the way I choose to go
Don't cry baby don't cry, just wipe your tears and fly, it won't be easy but, at least
You won't die
So I hope you try it's a trip to haven.

I am my mothers daughter
I am no daughter to my father
That ship sailed a long time ago
Driven by my sister that I have right now
She is her mothers mother
She is the soul of all the lovers
She told you, you're a getter
And im a filler, so fill them up with poetry
Get a hold of them, she got a hold of me
“Can you see something?” She asked
No it's all fuzzy
My mom told me, they tried to conceal me
Tried to take a breath but, it's all fuzzy
So she's a killer!
Tried to run but guess what? She's a fast runner.

Do my poems get the best of me?
I mean mentally,
Do they shape my feelings into words
Just to get the best of me?
“ So beautifully written” they say
But I am the only one who feels the weight of them
Yeah “so beautifully”

Looking for me between pictures
Looking for you, but you're just fiction
Asking, i have a mission
Sitting down, i have a vision
Tasting, im not reminiscing
Crying, im not thinking
solace in, silence out
Well, guess you're blending in,
Take me, I am out
Hands above your head
With your black background.

They wear the blood of their victims like a suit so suited to their bodies
The guilt that they should’ve had lost its way in war to find its way into us
So as it kills us alive it keeps leaving corpses behind
So it kills us, not as it kills them
so we liv but it’s not the same without them.

Why am i loving this feeling?
Buzz, the killing type
Don't know but, in a way I know exactly
What's going on
Trying to interface, between I and the photos that you call real life
Gathering actions, it takes me a few minutes to understand.

You need to be beautiful to smile
Your body is not fine, you're starving yourself
You're losing your waves, and you think it's okay,
To faint every hour, baby you are losing your power
And the voices get louder, trying to tell you
You're so skinny, start eating!
She's so skinny, start feeding your daughter!
Or she won't get taller.


The Consequences (the after conscience)

When I start eating two meals a day, i feel the fat rushing through my veins
Looking at the mirror for hours, did I gain some weight?
Am I fatter now? Cause i feel normal
I don't feel like my body is out of blood
And the numbness in my foot and arms are gone
I can stand up normally
And i feel disgusting, how did i dare to do it ?
And I can't throw it up, but sometimes i hope it leaks into my lounges
Dont tell me my body got better, cause that will make me worse.

No one wants to be saved, saving is from God
Everybody wants to feel numb, but numbness come from broken hearts
The distance that we walked, we really did go that far
Even when you are closing them, i can see the scars
But really we don’t care about it,
You are broken, I fall down
We really don’t care anymore
We really didn’t shed a tear, no remorse left here
And we say “ it is all for the best” at least I did
And still do
Music won’t numb your pain, you don’t have to listen to them
Friends won’t numb my pain, so i am done talking, done saying and telling
Cause bright lights won’t even show as a dim light in our dark times.

I don’t know what is it I fear
I don’t know what I despise, but I despise this the most  
I envy your will, for I have been broken time after time for it
I wanna smash my head into the nearest wall
This stupid useless thing
Every time I try to let myself down easy, I know there’s only disappointment after
It shouldn’t be like that you know,
I wasn’t like this

I am a shy poet, who’s in conflict with his work
Or is it my feelings I despise?

You must admit
I am painfully human
I give my all, but still be humiliated at how little that is
I cannot control my moods,
Or my nervous breakdowns
I am overly human
I feel intensely, or nothing at all
I sometimes feel like I could cry from the beauty of our night sky
But, what is left from my dark times starts to creep in, little poisonous claws
“You are” I am,
I repeat,
“your efforts”  my efforts,
“your struggles”  my struggles,
“your worth” my worth,
“are nothing”  Are-
Oh but I sob to that
And try to fight back
But the feeling lingers,
like the softest words of endearment

yet i say, don't cry babe it's ok
And yet i still take this hell in
And yet it's burns, even through the cold nights
And even if i cry, I would still get hurt
Now I just don't believe in peace
And calmness is all i have left
Heaven or hell, I don't mind
Standing up or laying down, the pain is all mine
And even if i die, I would still wish to die
I would wish to cry
If my veins weren't buring, I would fly
And if you have a fantasy for blood
**** the rest of me, I won't mind
But just set me free or let me be
How i were in my dreams and my fantasy
Don't get emotional !! Just get rid of me
Oh big deal like it's supposed to be
Laying in bed while you're hitting me
Don't worry I won't be able to carry my backpack for the rest of the week
And yet again this is how it's supposed to be
Crying under the covers, like am smoking ****
Or closing the bedroom door just to not feel weak
But, i still seems to upset everybody
So it's a good idea to break me down with words, neat
Yeah another day at school where I switch to a different person, fragile actually
Moody maybe
it's ok just ok.

Clear around the eges, if you saw a small dot
Up and down I go but, i feel like rockes
You can say I am sweet, you can say I am not and you can say I am bitter
But, they can’t feel it can they?
Don’t judge me! I am a spark in your light
Don’t judge me! If your light isn’t that bright
I tried to change your atmosphere
But, you keep forgetting that I am clear
You want my sweetness in your mouth
And you want me to disappear
And again I say “ I am your sugar crystal and you are my hot water dear”

I'm  hunted by an unknown ghost
I'm  hunred by devils and demons
And this is my last call
Hope your pain has been gone
Im standing, but not very strong
So i hope you are
Cause this is my last call
From the unknown heaven
From the Source of your dream
This is the best that can be
From the fairytales and the nightmares
I stand between
From the psychological reasons
I stand here not free
I stand here undone
devising something unreal
A sheer layer between us and fear.

That wasn't my intention, when i lost against you
And you don't mean it but you did it no
I weren’t  bragging, it wasn't for show
It's wasn't when you decided to know
The things that whispers inside, we both know it wasn't right
And I weren’t ready to fight
You when you say, the harm was done
And you were a part of it
Cuz it wasn't right to fail yourself, and damage everybody around you
You weren't ready to give up your life, you weren't ready to lose me
And i were closer, i was closer then the beading heart in your chest
I wasn't like the rest
But you've changed me to the worst person ever
I promise you won't like it
This is the end of us
And you are the only remaining part of this
And it's not a trick to want me more and more
It's a trick to warm my heart, that you froze
And for the last time this is the end of us
Cuz I lost the ability to trust

Songs you used to sing out loud together, now they can’t bring you closer
Poems we used to write for each other,
Maybe next time you won’t take them for granted
Full of emotions, heart broken
Why didn’t you say you liked it?
Took them all for granted?
No maybe this time
We both know
As our big story ends I smile
Always  grateful as I always say
And forever thankful for what God gave me
This is nothing, I’ll always love you from the bottom of my heart and pray for you
Now, I have so much gratitude
Your name will always be Rigel, cause after a sky full of stars you are the true shine to me.

No depression shall take the beauty out of you
Went to you with a poem of mine
Saying “Im no good, Im no good”
You took the edge off, made me look at the bright bright sun saying “ maybe I shall rise like you when it’s time for the bleak night to end”
Cause we are like the moon and sun; should never be too old nor young
And again, my depression shall never take
The beauty off you.

Stop trying for attention, you won't get it, no
And I know you want her so bad
Unless you want a ride in hell, ride it and fell
Test it well
You wanted it so stand still
Hold your breath, don't think about death
Don't Think about her, Think about the benefits, yeah there is none
Stupid and childish moves you do
She knows, don't you feel like a dupe ?
Crazy world i live in
i have to deal with this **** every day
and there is no pay day.

Hold your breath before someone takes it from you
I hope you love, and be loved
Cuz it's the only way to escape from life
Words you say to yourself, are no longer issues, do you need a moment ? Silence? Tissue ?

I knew, I knew, I’ve always known
You’re not here to stay
I’ve been writing poems since the start
I’ve gotta comfort myself in the end
I’ve always wished, the peace is in the end
What we lived wasn’t reality, but we tasted the bitterness, we cried together
I stayed for yours
Mine wasn’t enough for you to stay
Either the druging highs or the numbing lows
Ours wasn’t meant to be in the between
We were that weak
Don’t ask me if it was real
The numbness for sure was surreal.

I try with great force to abandon this feeling that comes everyday
That I’m not good with words or numbers
I’m not good at all
Trying to ignore the feeling that my grades don’t define me but, they do
And I’m no good
No good at all
Can’t help but to feel jealous and pity myself for that
Trying to push back the cruel words i might say to myself
Trying not to tear up
Where did my confidence go?
Distract myself but, someday, someday soon, I’ll end up alone with no people no books but with all these thoughts that haunt me.

You are you to yourself before dawn
You are you to yourself when you are waiting for sunlight to be sunshine
You are you to yourself when you climb the mountain you fell from
You are you to yourself when a laugh end with tears
And most importantly, you are you to yourself when the beautiful sea
Makes you wonder why are we even here?

I don't wanna die in peace, if I didn't fight for it
So you can't take the liberty and write about it
Are they killing us? or are we killing ourselves?
From wars to the competition
Self-destruct is among us
We're looking for freedom but, we're tying it with our belts
Are we fighting?
or are we killing?
Which one of us stands out for the real believing?
This one wants to die, the next one will blame and the other will live in hell
Are we risking our life, or are we blaming ourselves?
Are we telling a lie? Cause the end never seems to end
The end.

I’ll hold with every bit of strength god gave me, cause night is just darkness without you my star
And my poems will be wounded without your name all over them
Ocean will be nothing but water, there’s nothing deeper in there, it’s blue like everything else
Color my eyes, hide me in your mind
Just like i hide you from the cruel world
Just like a child hiding it’s toy
I’ll hold your hand even though you’re far far away, hold them tight.

Because you are the poison in my veins
and you are the one who I look for every single day

Isn’t the voices in your head loud enough! why do they have to raise their voices for you to hear them?
Isn’t air such a heavy thing to carry? Try walking around with unspoken words
The weight of them can’t be held,
Only you think you can handle
Till you fall and shatter now, look around you they think you can handle,
You’re just not worth the gamble
In their careless state of mind, in their darkness, You are a hypocrite for pretending to be strong
In their defense you didn’t tell
In your defense words didn’t make sense.

I cling to the idea of you
And slowly break knowing you are not real.

You found a chance, but the chance cut your arm
You found a one, but the one teared you apart
And I have always said, don’t love people; they hurt
Don’t love people; they hurt
You don’t wanna fight, because you left the people you love with out one
Then people don’t deserve to see you at another one
And I’ve always said, if fighting hurts the most, then why am I fighting by you?
You make me feel isolated by your touch, I don’t like it, I don’t bare it
And you teared enough, enough of my heart was teared
I don’t understand the joy, the thing I call love
Maybe it was a misconception

Moving my body so it doesn't fall
Reading my poems so i can stay calm
Standing still so there won't be more.

Just like chalk and paper,
Soundless sounds i hear
Just like the lyrics you write,
Feelings that don’t exist apear
Red flags, yellow flags and all of the colors
But, i see only grey up here.

My darling, they don’t have to love you as much as you love them
And they don’t have to give you as much as you give them and as my friend said “ there is only one of you, you can’t expect them to be you, that what makes you special”
And when they let you go you’ll see the way
And when they let you go you’ll outspread your wings like never before