I learned that it's always ok to die, to cry, to fly, To fill the emptiness inside with stupid lies, to Hate, it's always ok cause it's your faith
It's ok to struggle with your pain
You are numb, but you are in the same way
You feel, I feel but, we bury our feelings in the same field
Encouraging  they sound, they just want you to Jump from the same height
You know it's ok to be afraid from the light
Cause you were born in dark times
It's always okay, but when will it be ok to be okay?
When will i have a good day for the whole day !
Cause I'm trying to embrace
I look all around me, and i see rehabs
Them people need a decaf
This is where you are trying to put me at
But I am going to put you at it, amma show how to be a drug addict
But this is what I’m trying to do, write my Feelings down so i can beat you
You're being unresponsible
But the funny thing is, you are who helped me grow, but I still know Im weak inside but wont let it show, won't let them stupid people know that i still have hope
And just want you to know
I always let the door closed, just for you to sketch your feelings and go.

I don’t recall being happy now that i am not
I don’t recall a day with out sadness,
Diving into the blue mood slowly coming up for a little bit of air
Didn’t think i need more, never thought the world would have colors
I see colors but, my mind didn’t take them in
Coffee going in like water, nothing...
My system is about to shutdown,
Walking around- feeling like at any minute now I’ll fall, I’ll hit the ground
Constant pain, thinking sleep will help but,
As soon as i open my eyes it hits me again
No relive, no help, no support
And feeling every feeling but totally  numb, hoping but, really desperate

Stop trying for attention, you won't get it, no
And I know you want her so bad
Unless you want a ride in hell, ride it and fell
Test it well
You wanted it so stand still
Hold your breath, don't think about death
Don't Think about her, Think about the benefits, yeah there is none
Stupid and childish moves you do
She knows, don't you feel like a dupe ?
Crazy world i live in
i have to deal with this **** every day
and there is no pay day.

Songs you used to sing out loud together, now they can’t bring you closer
Poems we used to write for each other,
Maybe next time you won’t take them for granted
Full of emotions, heart broken
Why didn’t you say you liked it?
Took them all for granted?
No maybe this time
We both know
As our big story ends I smile
Always  grateful as I always say
And forever thankful for what God gave me
This is nothing, I’ll always love you from the bottom of my heart and pray for you
Now, I have so much gratitude
Your name will always be Rigel, cause after a sky full of stars you are the true shine to me.

You need to be beautiful to smile
Your body is not fine, you're starving yourself
You're losing your waves, and you think it's okay,
To faint every hour, baby you are losing your power
And the voices get louder, trying to tell you
You're so skinny, start eating!
She's so skinny, start feeding your daughter!
Or she won't get taller.


The Consequences (the after conscience)

When I start eating two meals a day, i feel the fat rushing through my veins
Looking at the mirror for hours, did I gain some weight?
Am I fatter now? Cause i feel normal
I don't feel like my body is out of blood
And the numbness in my foot and arms are gone
I can stand up normally
And i feel disgusting, how did i dare to do it ?
And I can't throw it up, but sometimes i hope it leaks into my lounges
Dont tell me my body got better, cause that will make me worse.

You said I don’t want you, all i want is the memory
Can’t bear to see you so sad so im leaving, it’s not that big of a tragedy
Like when you always cry when you leave the sea
Oh the memory it’s kills me, it kills me
And I’ve always looked at you like you’ve always looked at the sky
It kills me how you know how to write
And express feelings that never came out of my mind
Coffee will do you just fine, lift up your mood like mine
To which I’ve responded, fascinating how you got deep and still shallow inside.

Hold your breath before someone takes it from you
I hope you love, and be loved
Cuz it's the only way to escape from life
Words you say to yourself, are no longer issues, do you need a moment ? Silence? Tissue ?

Caving
Preparing yourself to get hit
And i never thought i would say it, but really My body was numb
All that time i was thinking
I wish i had bruises, scaring and a life with out The intention of getting hit
I asked god for help
I like to think that it's coming soon
But I don't think it will do
Hope won't do it all
And hope won't do it all
And I don't think i will be able to stay strong
Cause hope won't do it all
And my tears won't fall
I feel guilty and I deserve more
And i will get beaten, till hope wash it all.

How does the ocean know?
Holding the star, facing the ocean,
“Take all of me” I say as soon as the water touches me
And if i were to give you my star is it actually worth giving?
If the star represent my feelings, my personality, my poetry and my good will
So here i stand facing the ocean wondering, how many people have asked you that?
So the waves are getting stronger
And the footprints start to fade
Do i have to tell you my feelings or do you already know?
So should I open up or should i fade with my footprints in your wave.

I am that strong girl
Who cares but, don't say
Who cries and feel the pain
Who acts mysterious but, she knows it's just a game
She thinks but, her thoughts are all over the place
She knows she is bigger but, still playing with those beginners what a waste!
She's been hurt so many times, now she doesn’t know where to begin in this race
Are they with us? Or are they our enemies?
But, now she knows them by the face
She gives what she needed the most
But, they don't know
She asks herself “do they really deserve it?”
every time she forgets herself
Yeah that girl, who questions every relationship she has
Like there's a lot of them ..
But when she give, she gives hard
Love hard, livs hard
She knows how much she is Beautiful
But does she ?
She always says it to herself
But is she really?
Because she got lost between the words she write
You know, it's the only way to express herself
She doesn’t  tell anybody if she was sad
She doesn't even cry
She just says “I hate the world”
Basic right?
But she says it in her own way
She says it with hope inside, she knows there is a better way, she got to discover it , but with out herself?
Oh darling what a sad story you have
But they don't know they judge you from the outside
But you are who you are and you don't care.

I deserve it
I worked hard, my body won't feel the pain
Try me, I survived when i was basically falling while i was walking
It's good to feel a relieve
When all you used to have is pieces from the past
So here I stand
Telling you my story
Where we all know this is the end
And we all know it's a happy one
When you get Joy, frame it
And look at the beauty that I never had
Let's love, yes i give you the love I left
It's nothing but, it will help
Help you, when the world is full of hate
I left but, i can feel it from the underground
So How is it ?
Are they still fighting over religions ?
I hope not
It's a war that kills innocent people
So fix it, i was good
The universe will pay you back
Little help
So Help them, or **** them.

It hurts to say that you played the guitar in your head in your head
You memorized the rhythm
It cuts through to your spine
Look above, look around, look under, you hear no voices
The silence didn’t **** you the voice in your head did
The burn in your heart did, till you lost sense of it
So you keep playing what you wrote saying if my heart did ever bleed it would sound like this
It would sound like this
It would feel like this
It’s my magnum opus
I layed on the floor, im always leaving myself helpless.

You found a chance, but the chance cut your arm
You found a one, but the one teared you apart
And I have always said, don’t love people; they hurt
Don’t love people; they hurt
You don’t wanna fight, because you left the people you love with out one
Then people don’t deserve to see you at another one
And I’ve always said, if fighting hurts the most, then why am I fighting by you?
You make me feel isolated by your touch, I don’t like it, I don’t bare it
And you teared enough, enough of my heart was teared
I don’t understand the joy, the thing I call love
Maybe it was a misconception

Because you are the poison in my veins
and you are the one who I look for every single day

My love,
Only you can understand,
and not underestimate me like myself and others do
How it feels to gather and cling to scraps of hope in means of staying sane
On most nights I talk to myself as if I were talking to you
I tell you about my day, about how mind numbing my work has become
It feels awfully devastating to say that I’ve tried, but it  wasn’t enough
I am busy most of the time, my free time feels like a sin
To eventually realize how little I know about life or how to live
Life has pushed me to a wall, that everyone seems to get through, but me
Often the only escape is sleep, but what feels like a dream, usually is
Because nightmares are real,
Painfully so
In search of solace, I have heard none sense of not working hard enough and other things that enrage me
Only my thoughts of you leave me in peace

Us, i meant when i said “it wasn’t worth it”
Us, the thing that i was waiting for to get stone cold
Us, the thing that each one of us had enough of
Us, the thing that lasted much longer than it supposed to be and by everyday that stretches it effects me gradually
Trying not to force myself to write but **** it ate me
So yeah, us, the thing that never supposed to be.

I am my mothers daughter
I am no daughter to my father
That ship sailed a long time ago
Driven by my sister that I have right now
She is her mothers mother
She is the soul of all the lovers
She told you, you're a getter
And im a filler, so fill them up with poetry
Get a hold of them, she got a hold of me
“Can you see something?” She asked
No it's all fuzzy
My mom told me, they tried to conceal me
Tried to take a breath but, it's all fuzzy
So she's a killer!
Tried to run but guess what? She's a fast runner.

My darling, they don’t have to love you as much as you love them
And they don’t have to give you as much as you give them and as my friend said “ there is only one of you, you can’t expect them to be you, that what makes you special”
And when they let you go you’ll see the way
And when they let you go you’ll outspread your wings like never before

War is where loneliness comes from
I took it upon myself
But loneliness isn’t death
And fighting is part of this mess

War is an option for those who have power
Counting dead bodies from the other side of the tower is a win for them
Sitting on their fancy chairs, feeling the ground they wouldn’t bear.

They wear the blood of their victims like a suit so suited to their bodies
The guilt that they should’ve had lost its way in war to find its way into us
So as it kills us alive it keeps leaving corpses behind
So it kills us, not as it kills them
so we liv but it’s not the same without them.

That wasn't my intention, when i lost against you
And you don't mean it but you did it no
I weren’t  bragging, it wasn't for show
It's wasn't when you decided to know
The things that whispers inside, we both know it wasn't right
And I weren’t ready to fight
You when you say, the harm was done
And you were a part of it
Cuz it wasn't right to fail yourself, and damage everybody around you
You weren't ready to give up your life, you weren't ready to lose me
And i were closer, i was closer then the beading heart in your chest
I wasn't like the rest
But you've changed me to the worst person ever
I promise you won't like it
This is the end of us
And you are the only remaining part of this
And it's not a trick to want me more and more
It's a trick to warm my heart, that you froze
And for the last time this is the end of us
Cuz I lost the ability to trust

Ghost whispering in my mind,
Before the words i stand
Some are cought up in my spine
Tilting my head just a little bit,
somehow seeing them, the unthought thoughts in my mind
Recognizing the style
As if I just waited just a little they would’ve been mine
They looked shallow, much less sweet than the words I spoke

What are humans made of?
I know but still wonder what
Why do we feel? Why do we eat? And plenty more
I feel, and I don't want to
I think but, still wonder why to
I feel like what the animals from the Disney movies think of humans
They eat, talk nonsense, ****, for nonsense
Bury each other, for nonsense
I feel that feeling is nonsense
Can't help it but to admit and cave for nonsense
I walked a thousand miles in this thought
But nothing but, a white paper and explaintions written by a white pencil
I know but, just can't see it
Your thoughts and your points are not understandable to me, because they are nonsense.

No one wants to be saved, saving is from God
Everybody wants to feel numb, but numbness come from broken hearts
The distance that we walked, we really did go that far
Even when you are closing them, i can see the scars
But really we don’t care about it,
You are broken, I fall down
We really don’t care anymore
We really didn’t shed a tear, no remorse left here
And we say “ it is all for the best” at least I did
And still do
Music won’t numb your pain, you don’t have to listen to them
Friends won’t numb my pain, so i am done talking, done saying and telling
Cause bright lights won’t even show as a dim light in our dark times.

Maybe i have forgotten what it feels like to write with great passion, or so I’ve thought
To write about my sadness, to write about the endless hole of numbness
Scared to write anything less, anything not deep or common
I hear the words, see them form
Not daring to write them; judging by the outline or whether i feel something
But I feel nothing at all
Even with those that I once thought were my words, I do not understand
I don’t feel deep enough
Could my writing be only associated with dark thoughts and hopeless dreams?
Both very hard to escape and very easy to fall back into
But I could not find the right balance
For they were both reality and I am stock in a dream.

How can one even begin to describe such a thought
How can one be deprived of such a thing
It was just a fantasy of mine,
I drool over it before I try to numb my mind, or to lay asleep with one such fantasy and wake shattered
Oh my love if only you were true
Oh my poor silly heart that longs for you
And all I have ever written, was always secretly about you
Oh such a feeling to feel,
To struggle and constantly remind oneself
the one thing you dream of, is a creation of your own suffering mind
As one who might not ever be in love
The thought of it devours me

Silent baby
Love alone, don’t worry other people
About your tears
Silent hill, but somehow it tells me to look down
Just to imagine how it looks if I jumped to this beautiful shore
So blue to you if you’re so shallow
It’s dark to me but, that excites me
Where the real colors are
Don’t show me just a painting, tell me all about the emotions
Tell me that you cried once or twice
I really don’t care I just want to write about it.

Lately I’ve been alone with all of my friends around me
Lately i feel the need to cry when the sky is smiling at me
Lately it has been coming in waves
Knocking me down at night
Not as bad as last time but, god ****** it’s not easy
And that’s the beginning of it, knowing that any minute i could slip away and fall down to the opposite side of the smiling sky
Hopefully this time I’ll die.

I'm  hunted by an unknown ghost
I'm  hunred by devils and demons
And this is my last call
Hope your pain has been gone
Im standing, but not very strong
So i hope you are
Cause this is my last call
From the unknown heaven
From the Source of your dream
This is the best that can be
From the fairytales and the nightmares
I stand between
From the psychological reasons
I stand here not free
I stand here undone
devising something unreal
A sheer layer between us and fear.

Clear around the eges, if you saw a small dot
Up and down I go but, i feel like rockes
You can say I am sweet, you can say I am not and you can say I am bitter
But, they can’t feel it can they?
Don’t judge me! I am a spark in your light
Don’t judge me! If your light isn’t that bright
I tried to change your atmosphere
But, you keep forgetting that I am clear
You want my sweetness in your mouth
And you want me to disappear
And again I say “ I am your sugar crystal and you are my hot water dear”

yet i say, don't cry babe it's ok
And yet i still take this hell in
And yet it's burns, even through the cold nights
And even if i cry, I would still get hurt
Now I just don't believe in peace
And calmness is all i have left
Heaven or hell, I don't mind
Standing up or laying down, the pain is all mine
And even if i die, I would still wish to die
I would wish to cry
If my veins weren't buring, I would fly
And if you have a fantasy for blood
**** the rest of me, I won't mind
But just set me free or let me be
How i were in my dreams and my fantasy
Don't get emotional !! Just get rid of me
Oh big deal like it's supposed to be
Laying in bed while you're hitting me
Don't worry I won't be able to carry my backpack for the rest of the week
And yet again this is how it's supposed to be
Crying under the covers, like am smoking ****
Or closing the bedroom door just to not feel weak
But, i still seems to upset everybody
So it's a good idea to break me down with words, neat
Yeah another day at school where I switch to a different person, fragile actually
Moody maybe
it's ok just ok.

It hurts to see my pain in my eye
I just want to see the end when it ends
I want to see the cold rusty me
The dryness to be, the biggest part of me
The ego that ran; to be free
And the horrible pain in my chest
Has became essential
And even if i sing my poems
It will be crazy to believe me
So i say let's sing it together
Since I'm already crazy to think that this pain will ever go away
It's mixed up with my blood
So that leads to cutting my hand open and letting the pain be a blood bath
I wish I could be alive to see that
Full of satisfying emotion.

Here, nothing but silence
Wanting for everything to happen in this life
(corruption)
There, praying for patience
Between aches from teared down buildings and blood from all of the children
Lay down, so you can drink your tears,
dehydration is the last thing you should fear
If the sounds don't worry you dear,
Where will you be next year?
They say success is about taking opportunities
And all of them, and all of their opportunities were taken by the wrong people, at the wrong time
Leaving you hopless and dry

I don't wanna die in peace, if I didn't fight for it
So you can't take the liberty and write about it
Are they killing us? or are we killing ourselves?
From wars to the competition
Self-destruct is among us
We're looking for freedom but, we're tying it with our belts
Are we fighting?
or are we killing?
Which one of us stands out for the real believing?
This one wants to die, the next one will blame and the other will live in hell
Are we risking our life, or are we blaming ourselves?
Are we telling a lie? Cause the end never seems to end
The end.

Bleeding words they seem
But im fine
They’re feelings I know I should’ve felt but, not this time
Describing every inch
The feeling is not mine
It might’ve looked like im writing this with heartache and a fractured skull
Im not writing to revenge nor to vent
Im writing because I owe it to myself
Because one day I’ll find this and say “ what was this all about?”

It’s empty, the place where my words come from
I face the northern light
My back to the unknown
My mind drifts,
My thoughts sail
My poems never seem to unravel
To no avail
So I face,
Let the hand drag me deep, in the thoughts that were never reveled
And let every unwritten poem,
Every tremor throughout the years,
To the sea.

I can’t sleep, waking up every four hours trying to escape
Are you just like my past? The mistakes that I should have learned from
I can’t take the feeling in, there’s no beginning nor an end
They say if you didn’t learn the first time, you deserve the pain of the second
And I don’t wanna let you go without trying but, maybe I’ve tried enough
So now, where do I stand?
I love you, but it aches
Your actions i try to forgive
But, it’s taking a part of me
It’s knocking me down, I don’t know who I am
Ignored all my experiences,
Ignored the subtle signs,
Ignored my feelings at night
Ignored my friends advice
I’m afraid if i let you go, you’re not like my experiences at all.

You’re lonely, such a survivor
You told yourself: boys are built that way
Quick, was the perfect end to the fall
Fall, and cover yourself in this
Mind games and riddles
You hid the answer deep within

Always drowning but, never deep enough
No one has ever called your bluff
You can almost feel the void, with your numb fingertips
Always deep but, never deep enough.

Why am i loving this feeling?
Buzz, the killing type
Don't know but, in a way I know exactly
What's going on
Trying to interface, between I and the photos that you call real life
Gathering actions, it takes me a few minutes to understand.

You write the little things people forgot
You write the memories and those are a lot
And even if I wrote in poems,
What would I even gain from this rhythm?
Nobody could understand the puzzles I’ve written,
The feelings from within
Cause nobody could get in
Nobody could reach the part that drifts and sails in this useless rhythm.

You must admit
I am painfully human
I give my all, but still be humiliated at how little that is
I cannot control my moods,
Or my nervous breakdowns
I am overly human
I feel intensely, or nothing at all
I sometimes feel like I could cry from the beauty of our night sky
But, what is left from my dark times starts to creep in, little poisonous claws
“You are” I am,
I repeat,
“your efforts”  my efforts,
“your struggles”  my struggles,
“your worth” my worth,
“are nothing”  Are-
Oh but I sob to that
And try to fight back
But the feeling lingers,
like the softest words of endearment