I cling to the idea of you
And slowly break knowing you are not real.

How can one even begin to describe such a thought
How can one be deprived of such a thing
It was just a fantasy of mine,
I drool over it before I try to numb my mind, or to lay asleep with one such fantasy and wake shattered
Oh my love if only you were true
Oh my poor silly heart that longs for you
And all I have ever written, was always secretly about you
Oh such a feeling to feel,
To struggle and constantly remind oneself
the one thing you dream of, is a creation of your own suffering mind
As one who might not ever be in love
The thought of it devours me

It seemed reckless and harsh
The way I led you on
The way I told you I care for you freely
But it was never that
I was in shackles and I never let myself slip
Oh imagine what we could’ve been
You were a dream come true
You were what I wish I could be
Passionate and poetic in every sense
Oh the way you cared for me
And the way I never felt I could be anyone but me
But I held on to the whisper of my past
What if this was an obsession like any other love I’ve had
What if you lost interest in me
and left me be the shell of a person who had hope in better memories

You seem small and fragile
Even to my touch
I am terrified of how my love might crush you
But I cannot get myself to be the better person
I cannot hide how deep your eyes cut me
I cannot get myself to hide how stupidly I am in love with you
How much it is devastating

You are the only thing I wish to feel
Daydreaming,
If only you were real
It seems idiotic to hope
But I am hopelessly in need of a fracture of the simplest fairytale

My love,
Only you can understand,
and not underestimate me like myself and others do
How it feels to gather and cling to scraps of hope in means of staying sane
On most nights I talk to myself as if I were talking to you
I tell you about my day, about how mind numbing my work has become
It feels awfully devastating to say that I’ve tried, but it  wasn’t enough
I am busy most of the time, my free time feels like a sin
To eventually realize how little I know about life or how to live
Life has pushed me to a wall, that everyone seems to get through, but me
Often the only escape is sleep, but what feels like a dream, usually is
Because nightmares are real,
Painfully so
In search of solace, I have heard none sense of not working hard enough and other things that enrage me
Only my thoughts of you leave me in peace

You must admit
I am painfully human
I give my all, but still be humiliated at how little that is
I cannot control my moods,
Or my nervous breakdowns
I am overly human
I feel intensely, or nothing at all
I sometimes feel like I could cry from the beauty of our night sky
But, what is left from my dark times starts to creep in, little poisonous claws
“You are” I am,
I repeat,
“your efforts”  my efforts,
“your struggles”  my struggles,
“your worth” my worth,
“are nothing”  Are-
Oh but I sob to that
And try to fight back
But the feeling lingers,
like the softest words of endearment

I don’t know what is it I fear
I don’t know what I despise, but I despise this the most  
I envy your will, for I have been broken time after time for it
I wanna smash my head into the nearest wall
This stupid useless thing
Every time I try to let myself down easy, I know there’s only disappointment after
It shouldn’t be like that you know,
I wasn’t like this

I am a shy poet, who’s in conflict with his work
Or is it my feelings I despise?

I’ll hold with every bit of strength god gave me, cause night is just darkness without you my star
And my poems will be wounded without your name all over them
Ocean will be nothing but water, there’s nothing deeper in there, it’s blue like everything else
Color my eyes, hide me in your mind
Just like i hide you from the cruel world
Just like a child hiding it’s toy
I’ll hold your hand even though you’re far far away, hold them tight.

Someone tell me why we’re hurting instead of the people that should’ve been hurt?

You write the little things people forgot
You write the memories and those are a lot
And even if I wrote in poems,
What would I even gain from this rhythm?
Nobody could understand the puzzles I’ve written,
The feelings from within
Cause nobody could get in
Nobody could reach the part that drifts and sails in this useless rhythm.

The sunlight on these empty streets
And this city blown up with lights
And these nightmares as they try to reach,
The core of my well hidden steadiness,
Put on a leash

My darling
The shadows have swallowed me whole
And my thoughts of you never were written
they sank into my despair
smoke and evil took the will to ever write, to ever exist
Beyond your lingering touch,
I feel nothing
Beyond this bitter taste in the back of my throat,
I taste nothing
My dear I have finally given up
On anything beyond these shadows

All she had was her fire
And that was plenty,
To burn herself
all her desires withered and fell
As solid turned to ash
And embers seized the memorie that made her
smoke rose and told her,
All you have is your fire and that’s enough.

It’s empty, the place where my words come from
I face the northern light
My back to the unknown
My mind drifts,
My thoughts sail
My poems never seem to unravel
To no avail
So I face,
Let the hand drag me deep, in the thoughts that were never reveled
And let every unwritten poem,
Every tremor throughout the years,
To the sea.

I closed the lights to prove to myself
Maybe I could suffer more
MaybeI could reach and tear my limbs to reach the shore
I only closed the drapes
Because I know the light will still whisper
In its uncanny way
And undoubtedly it’s only my thoughts to see
But there’s nothing, in this void
Do you still wanna see?
Do you still wanna reach into this depthless sea?
That my words seem to drown in
Never to surface, never meaning to tell what I might feel.

With this perfect rhythm, I feel it break
With those love words, I feel further away,
from what I used to be
My words used to mean something,
something maybe deep
But they couldn’t heal this cut, this wound, this break
From this I unknown depth, Everything seems foggy
Seem to have been overtaken.

Im lost, Im genuinely lost
Don’t you see?
I’m lost between my words
Im lost between holding on too hard or letting go too easily
I’m lost whether this is me or what the consequences made out of me
Im lost, what do I do when I don’t have confidence in me?
I’m lost, having to fight the thoughts that bring you down
And I lost a part of me
I’m lost because nothing is good enough now
Because that’s the achievements that came out of me
Im lost, should I sleep where the stress ate away from me, or should I wake up and be in my nightmare reality.

You’re lonely, such a survivor
You told yourself: boys are built that way
Quick, was the perfect end to the fall
Fall, and cover yourself in this
Mind games and riddles
You hid the answer deep within

We’ve only touched the surface
And tyed ribbons around the depthless sea
And mocking it’s color when ever we felt like it
The despairing silver black waves, in this crescent night
And in its nightmare, black like charcoal with no glow
How does that go without mention?
How does that not speak our truth?

Black, and those that bloom die soon,
And I drown in the depth of those greens of yours
Drift,
And see what my heart saw in thee
What my poems saw in me.

At least i have something i care about
At least I have something to call my passion
I’m still not sober,

Don’t you know I try so hard not to lose myself in the art I do
or the words I write
Trying not to lose myself to fiction and fantasy
Between the words that escape me
I found myself wandering in what feels like eternity
And I found what inspire me, in this hopless place
Only you can make me feel this way
Only can make me write love prosperity

You were absent, but you still cared
You brought presents, but you knew it wasn’t fair
Not to ask or hear,
Not to be jealous of the people who I am near
I fooled myself thinking you would come back, hold me tight and whisper in my ear
But we exhausted our chances
Exhausted our dreams
Nothing of our future that we spoke about would ever be
No more ‏picnics on the beach
No more loving poems, no more
They will never bleed
Not for you anyway
Not for someone along the way

Maybe i have forgotten what it feels like to write with great passion, or so I’ve thought
To write about my sadness, to write about the endless hole of numbness
Scared to write anything less, anything not deep or common
I hear the words, see them form
Not daring to write them; judging by the outline or whether i feel something
But I feel nothing at all
Even with those that I once thought were my words, I do not understand
I don’t feel deep enough
Could my writing be only associated with dark thoughts and hopeless dreams?
Both very hard to escape and very easy to fall back into
But I could not find the right balance
For they were both reality and I am stock in a dream.

To feel fear and not write it in your words
clinch and grind
To slowly try to swallow and speak despite the choked throat
To form words and intentionally write them wrong
You know that only you would read them so why make them instantly lost?
Confess and tell yourself
What is it that you truly fear?
The absence of someone who was truly there?
To only touch the surface? And nothing beyond, of someone who was truly there.

I fear for what I consider dimness that is only the long way to dark
I began to question the little things that don’t make sense from the start.

I said I’m not gonna break
But I broke anyway
Promised to hold myself but, I held my pieces away
And I whispered and after whispering came the scream
Run as far as you can from what sounds so real
For I could only imagine that if this isn’t a dream, I would never be able to wake.

I am the night,
They see and don’t feel
But the loneliest one
I am the knight,
They stand behind
And I hear the rythem of the fight
The battle bleeds,
And the knights are sacrificed.

Cause all the music has become so loud
Is this how we go down?
After this beautiful view, you fall off a cliff
Watch your hand full of scars let go, for everything was in demand to be held
Everything but your hand
No songs of yours were ever sang
Poems you never wrote
Wasted passion into the mud
My face into the mud, it ends
It ends.

Always drowning but, never deep enough
No one has ever called your bluff
You can almost feel the void, with your numb fingertips
Always deep but, never deep enough.

I try with great force to abandon this feeling that comes everyday
That I’m not good with words or numbers
I’m not good at all
Trying to ignore the feeling that my grades don’t define me but, they do
And I’m no good
No good at all
Can’t help but to feel jealous and pity myself for that
Trying to push back the cruel words i might say to myself
Trying not to tear up
Where did my confidence go?
Distract myself but, someday, someday soon, I’ll end up alone with no people no books but with all these thoughts that haunt me.

Bleeding words they seem
But im fine
They’re feelings I know I should’ve felt but, not this time
Describing every inch
The feeling is not mine
It might’ve looked like im writing this with heartache and a fractured skull
Im not writing to revenge nor to vent
Im writing because I owe it to myself
Because one day I’ll find this and say “ what was this all about?”

Songs you used to sing out loud together, now they can’t bring you closer
Poems we used to write for each other,
Maybe next time you won’t take them for granted
Full of emotions, heart broken
Why didn’t you say you liked it?
Took them all for granted?
No maybe this time
We both know
As our big story ends I smile
Always  grateful as I always say
And forever thankful for what God gave me
This is nothing, I’ll always love you from the bottom of my heart and pray for you
Now, I have so much gratitude
Your name will always be Rigel, cause after a sky full of stars you are the true shine to me.

How does the ocean know?
Holding the star, facing the ocean,
“Take all of me” I say as soon as the water touches me
And if i were to give you my star is it actually worth giving?
If the star represent my feelings, my personality, my poetry and my good will
So here i stand facing the ocean wondering, how many people have asked you that?
So the waves are getting stronger
And the footprints start to fade
Do i have to tell you my feelings or do you already know?
So should I open up or should i fade with my footprints in your wave.

Ghost whispering in my mind,
Before the words i stand
Some are cought up in my spine
Tilting my head just a little bit,
somehow seeing them, the unthought thoughts in my mind
Recognizing the style
As if I just waited just a little they would’ve been mine
They looked shallow, much less sweet than the words I spoke

You find hope  in the little things, I’m no one to tell you to lose it
I don’t wanna break the hands that ever reached out and helped me but ******* they held me under
Held me tight
And I wanna let you go but, letting go hurts you and I know
I know
Why does it matter if we go our separate ways?
why do you care?
You didn’t care enough to stay
Why do you care? You didn’t notice our goodbyes in the silence
You didn’t notice the change of our way.

I knew, I knew, I’ve always known
You’re not here to stay
I’ve been writing poems since the start
I’ve gotta comfort myself in the end
I’ve always wished, the peace is in the end
What we lived wasn’t reality, but we tasted the bitterness, we cried together
I stayed for yours
Mine wasn’t enough for you to stay
Either the druging highs or the numbing lows
Ours wasn’t meant to be in the between
We were that weak
Don’t ask me if it was real
The numbness for sure was surreal.

Us, i meant when i said “it wasn’t worth it”
Us, the thing that i was waiting for to get stone cold
Us, the thing that each one of us had enough of
Us, the thing that lasted much longer than it supposed to be and by everyday that stretches it effects me gradually
Trying not to force myself to write but **** it ate me
So yeah, us, the thing that never supposed to be.

You said I don’t want you, all i want is the memory
Can’t bear to see you so sad so im leaving, it’s not that big of a tragedy
Like when you always cry when you leave the sea
Oh the memory it’s kills me, it kills me
And I’ve always looked at you like you’ve always looked at the sky
It kills me how you know how to write
And express feelings that never came out of my mind
Coffee will do you just fine, lift up your mood like mine
To which I’ve responded, fascinating how you got deep and still shallow inside.

It hurts to say that you played the guitar in your head in your head
You memorized the rhythm
It cuts through to your spine
Look above, look around, look under, you hear no voices
The silence didn’t **** you the voice in your head did
The burn in your heart did, till you lost sense of it
So you keep playing what you wrote saying if my heart did ever bleed it would sound like this
It would sound like this
It would feel like this
It’s my magnum opus
I layed on the floor, im always leaving myself helpless.

I can’t sleep, waking up every four hours trying to escape
Are you just like my past? The mistakes that I should have learned from
I can’t take the feeling in, there’s no beginning nor an end
They say if you didn’t learn the first time, you deserve the pain of the second
And I don’t wanna let you go without trying but, maybe I’ve tried enough
So now, where do I stand?
I love you, but it aches
Your actions i try to forgive
But, it’s taking a part of me
It’s knocking me down, I don’t know who I am
Ignored all my experiences,
Ignored the subtle signs,
Ignored my feelings at night
Ignored my friends advice
I’m afraid if i let you go, you’re not like my experiences at all.

You found a chance, but the chance cut your arm
You found a one, but the one teared you apart
And I have always said, don’t love people; they hurt
Don’t love people; they hurt
You don’t wanna fight, because you left the people you love with out one
Then people don’t deserve to see you at another one
And I’ve always said, if fighting hurts the most, then why am I fighting by you?
You make me feel isolated by your touch, I don’t like it, I don’t bare it
And you teared enough, enough of my heart was teared
I don’t understand the joy, the thing I call love
Maybe it was a misconception

“ I am fading just like your colors do”
That’s what I wrote in the middle of it, in the deepest whole depression can dig
How could such bright colors represent such pitch black mood
Thought coloring will help, but coloring won’t do
Now looking at it, why do i still love the color blue after you?