“ I am fading just like your colors do”
That’s what I wrote in the middle of it, in the deepest whole depression can dig
How could such bright colors represent such pitch black mood
Thought coloring will help, but coloring won’t do
Now looking at it, why do i still love the color blue after you?

Isn’t the voices in your head loud enough! why do they have to raise their voices for you to hear them?
Isn’t air such a heavy thing to carry? Try walking around with unspoken words
The weight of them can’t be held,
Only you think you can handle
Till you fall and shatter now, look around you they think you can handle,
You’re just not worth the gamble
In their careless state of mind, in their darkness, You are a hypocrite for pretending to be strong
In their defense you didn’t tell
In your defense words didn’t make sense.

We really use them these days
When it’s time to turn off our blinding light
They fall into pieces
So yes, we fall back into the realization that we aren’t more than just depressed people trying to fake happiness until death.

You’ve always said to me “keep your eyes closed; I don’t wanna see your misery”
And you’ve said “ cry out loud cry out loud to the point where I don’t hear”
So I cried loud enough till the moon heard me and I talked to the echoes where my words faded into silence.

They wear the blood of their victims like a suit so suited to their bodies
The guilt that they should’ve had lost its way in war to find its way into us
So as it kills us alive it keeps leaving corpses behind
So it kills us, not as it kills them
so we liv but it’s not the same without them.

My darling, they don’t have to love you as much as you love them
And they don’t have to give you as much as you give them and as my friend said “ there is only one of you, you can’t expect them to be you, that what makes you special”
And when they let you go you’ll see the way
And when they let you go you’ll outspread your wings like never before

I don’t recall being happy now that i am not
I don’t recall a day with out sadness,
Diving into the blue mood slowly coming up for a little bit of air
Didn’t think i need more, never thought the world would have colors
I see colors but, my mind didn’t take them in
Coffee going in like water, nothing...
My system is about to shutdown,
Walking around- feeling like at any minute now I’ll fall, I’ll hit the ground
Constant pain, thinking sleep will help but,
As soon as i open my eyes it hits me again
No relive, no help, no support
And feeling every feeling but totally  numb, hoping but, really desperate

Lately I’ve been alone with all of my friends around me
Lately i feel the need to cry when the sky is smiling at me
Lately it has been coming in waves
Knocking me down at night
Not as bad as last time but, god ****** it’s not easy
And that’s the beginning of it, knowing that any minute i could slip away and fall down to the opposite side of the smiling sky
Hopefully this time I’ll die.

You are you to yourself before dawn
You are you to yourself when you are waiting for sunlight to be sunshine
You are you to yourself when you climb the mountain you fell from
You are you to yourself when a laugh end with tears
And most importantly, you are you to yourself when the beautiful sea
Makes you wonder why are we even here?

War is where loneliness comes from
I took it upon myself
But loneliness isn’t death
And fighting is part of this mess

War is an option for those who have power
Counting dead bodies from the other side of the tower is a win for them
Sitting on their fancy chairs, feeling the ground they wouldn’t bear.

No depression shall take the beauty out of you
Went to you with a poem of mine
Saying “Im no good, Im no good”
You took the edge off, made me look at the bright bright sun saying “ maybe I shall rise like you when it’s time for the bleak night to end”
Cause we are like the moon and sun; should never be too old nor young
And again, my depression shall never take
The beauty off you.

Do my poems get the best of me?
I mean mentally,
Do they shape my feelings into words
Just to get the best of me?
“ So beautifully written” they say
But I am the only one who feels the weight of them
Yeah “so beautifully”

Just like chalk and paper,
Soundless sounds i hear
Just like the lyrics you write,
Feelings that don’t exist apear
Red flags, yellow flags and all of the colors
But, i see only grey up here.

Clear around the eges, if you saw a small dot
Up and down I go but, i feel like rockes
You can say I am sweet, you can say I am not and you can say I am bitter
But, they can’t feel it can they?
Don’t judge me! I am a spark in your light
Don’t judge me! If your light isn’t that bright
I tried to change your atmosphere
But, you keep forgetting that I am clear
You want my sweetness in your mouth
And you want me to disappear
And again I say “ I am your sugar crystal and you are my hot water dear”

No one wants to be saved, saving is from God
Everybody wants to feel numb, but numbness come from broken hearts
The distance that we walked, we really did go that far
Even when you are closing them, i can see the scars
But really we don’t care about it,
You are broken, I fall down
We really don’t care anymore
We really didn’t shed a tear, no remorse left here
And we say “ it is all for the best” at least I did
And still do
Music won’t numb your pain, you don’t have to listen to them
Friends won’t numb my pain, so i am done talking, done saying and telling
Cause bright lights won’t even show as a dim light in our dark times.

Silent baby
Love alone, don’t worry other people
About your tears
Silent hill, but somehow it tells me to look down
Just to imagine how it looks if I jumped to this beautiful shore
So blue to you if you’re so shallow
It’s dark to me but, that excites me
Where the real colors are
Don’t show me just a painting, tell me all about the emotions
Tell me that you cried once or twice
I really don’t care I just want to write about it.

You don't wanna try so I learned all the tricks for you
you don't wanna go to another direction so i ate all the rocks and they got through, through my eyes and my heart for you
I stood there like a wall to block the ugly vision that was in front of you
I guess they were true
You didn't appreciate me but, I wished you would do.

What are humans made of?
I know but still wonder what
Why do we feel? Why do we eat? And plenty more
I feel, and I don't want to
I think but, still wonder why to
I feel like what the animals from the Disney movies think of humans
They eat, talk nonsense, ****, for nonsense
Bury each other, for nonsense
I feel that feeling is nonsense
Can't help it but to admit and cave for nonsense
I walked a thousand miles in this thought
But nothing but, a white paper and explaintions written by a white pencil
I know but, just can't see it
Your thoughts and your points are not understandable to me, because they are nonsense.

Here, nothing but silence
Wanting for everything to happen in this life
(corruption)
There, praying for patience
Between aches from teared down buildings and blood from all of the children
Lay down, so you can drink your tears,
dehydration is the last thing you should fear
If the sounds don't worry you dear,
Where will you be next year?
They say success is about taking opportunities
And all of them, and all of their opportunities were taken by the wrong people, at the wrong time
Leaving you hopless and dry

I don't wanna die in peace, if I didn't fight for it
So you can't take the liberty and write about it
Are they killing us? or are we killing ourselves?
From wars to the competition
Self-destruct is among us
We're looking for freedom but, we're tying it with our belts
Are we fighting?
or are we killing?
Which one of us stands out for the real believing?
This one wants to die, the next one will blame and the other will live in hell
Are we risking our life, or are we blaming ourselves?
Are we telling a lie? Cause the end never seems to end
The end.

I was your poison, before the world went grey
I was crazy, before you called me insane
I was beautiful, before you called my       Beauty "pain"  
You've changed my title, cause you didn't want to feel the same
As they all say, I was crazy, competitive and stubborn,
So you saw them all but, in a different way
Baby trust me, I am your soulmate.

I am my mothers daughter
I am no daughter to my father
That ship sailed a long time ago
Driven by my sister that I have right now
She is her mothers mother
She is the soul of all the lovers
She told you, you're a getter
And im a filler, so fill them up with poetry
Get a hold of them, she got a hold of me
“Can you see something?” She asked
No it's all fuzzy
My mom told me, they tried to conceal me
Tried to take a breath but, it's all fuzzy
So she's a killer!
Tried to run but guess what? She's a fast runner.

You find diamonds in the ocean
And you say it's a desert full of sand
I see you standing, you and your devotion
Where nobody have to stand.

Looking for me between pictures
Looking for you, but you're just fiction
Asking, i have a mission
Sitting down, i have a vision
Tasting, im not reminiscing
Crying, im not thinking
solace in, silence out
Well, guess you're blending in,
Take me, I am out
Hands above your head
With your black background.

Why am i loving this feeling?
Buzz, the killing type
Don't know but, in a way I know exactly
What's going on
Trying to interface, between I and the photos that you call real life
Gathering actions, it takes me a few minutes to understand.

You need to be beautiful to smile
Your body is not fine, you're starving yourself
You're losing your waves, and you think it's okay,
To faint every hour, baby you are losing your power
And the voices get louder, trying to tell you
You're so skinny, start eating!
She's so skinny, start feeding your daughter!
Or she won't get taller.


The Consequences (the after conscience)

When I start eating two meals a day, i feel the fat rushing through my veins
Looking at the mirror for hours, did I gain some weight?
Am I fatter now? Cause i feel normal
I don't feel like my body is out of blood
And the numbness in my foot and arms are gone
I can stand up normally
And i feel disgusting, how did i dare to do it ?
And I can't throw it up, but sometimes i hope it leaks into my lounges
Dont tell me my body got better, cause that will make me worse.

**** they're playing him sad songs
Sad songs for a warrior, songs, that mess with his head
So even when he dies he'd think he deserved it

Moving my body so it doesn't fall
Reading my poems so i can stay calm
Standing still so there won't be more.

After a storm, we didn't want to plant again
After a rainy day, we just wanted it to be over, we didn't even bother taking a little bit of water to quench our farm
Cause we didn't know how to love after we loved so hard
We didn't know how to admit after all of these lies
And I didn't know how could you be bored after you left me
And if you really knew the real me, you would remember me for a thousand years
Cause when you see the truth, you will know every lie.

Barely catching a breath
Nearly falling of the edge
So close to finding yourself
So far away from knowing it.

I deserve it
I worked hard, my body won't feel the pain
Try me, I survived when i was basically falling while i was walking
It's good to feel a relieve
When all you used to have is pieces from the past
So here I stand
Telling you my story
Where we all know this is the end
And we all know it's a happy one
When you get Joy, frame it
And look at the beauty that I never had
Let's love, yes i give you the love I left
It's nothing but, it will help
Help you, when the world is full of hate
I left but, i can feel it from the underground
So How is it ?
Are they still fighting over religions ?
I hope not
It's a war that kills innocent people
So fix it, i was good
The universe will pay you back
Little help
So Help them, or **** them.

It hurts to see my pain in my eye
I just want to see the end when it ends
I want to see the cold rusty me
The dryness to be, the biggest part of me
The ego that ran; to be free
And the horrible pain in my chest
Has became essential
And even if i sing my poems
It will be crazy to believe me
So i say let's sing it together
Since I'm already crazy to think that this pain will ever go away
It's mixed up with my blood
So that leads to cutting my hand open and letting the pain be a blood bath
I wish I could be alive to see that
Full of satisfying emotion.

Caving
Preparing yourself to get hit
And i never thought i would say it, but really My body was numb
All that time i was thinking
I wish i had bruises, scaring and a life with out The intention of getting hit
I asked god for help
I like to think that it's coming soon
But I don't think it will do
Hope won't do it all
And hope won't do it all
And I don't think i will be able to stay strong
Cause hope won't do it all
And my tears won't fall
I feel guilty and I deserve more
And i will get beaten, till hope wash it all.