The spider, dropping down from twig,
Unfolds a plan of her devising,
A thin premeditated rig
To use in rising.

And all that journey down through space,
In cool descent and loyal hearted,
She spins a ladder to the place
From where she started.

Thus I, gone forth as spiders do
In spider's web a truth discerning,
Attach one silken thread to you
For my returning.

My mom speaks on her First and Only son….

….. Born August 1st. to a single mother who barely made it threw his birth. Pulled from my stomach because my stress level caused an early birth, weighing less to nothing he was born N gone, doctors said his heart just wasn’t that strong, lying on his death bed I pray, “O Lord! Let my son see his brighter days!” nothing but faith ran threw my veins, I trust the Lord to do the right thing; I awoke one morning to a bright august day, and there lies my son Dante, tears ran down my eyes as I held my baby boy for the first time since that day. Now my heart is whole, the Lord has granted my son a 2nd chance. “Just me and you my son” is what I whispered in his ear as he lay close to my breast. You will change the world one day my son and I will be there every step of the way to cheer you on…No father’s shoulder to cry on, I must bear the soul of a father, and the strength of his mother, how will I explain that his father never wanted him as his son….A blessing to me, was a burden to him. How will I explain to my son that it’s not because of him! It will break his heart to know his father never loved him. Birthdays go by, and a gift from his father appears…was I foolish to sign his name? To give my son some hope on his 5th birthday, that maybe one day his father will hold his hand and teach him how to be a man. Maybe it was wrong, but on that day my son smiled ear to ear. Not because of the pair of Jordan’s that lie in the box, but because the name on that little card said “Love Your Daddy”. As my son grew older he saw the reality, there is no father. Just me his loving mother, who has never left his side, threw the good, and the bad I had his back. And if that back shall ever turn…Lord I give you my permission to take my soul and let it burn. Because a mother could never abandon her first, and only son.

She sat bewilder and rejected by the world
her hair dreaded clothes torn and stained with time
remains torn
she gazed at me longing
seeking shelter from the storm
the rain poured upon her shoulders
a lost soldier among the scorn
I read into her character
as if the scene were a book
and I thought of all the jackals
who must've shook and took
she sat withered like a flower in the
midst of December
I could tell if left there she'd surely die from
the weather
I was this women and she was me
together we were locked
in mystery wondering
longing
An exchange of a smile
and she was on her knees
begging for a ride a conversation
some relief
my door ajar
welcoming
inviting her into a place of warmth and understanding
motherly I consoled
she was my sister daughter love
she was everyone I ever cared about
trapt in a cardboard box
with a shake of her hand I read her palm
her troubles and despair
I spared some change a ride and empathy
hoping it was enough for her
if I could only save her I'd change her
I'd  change the world but for now
I'll fufill my mission
and allow her soul to fufill hers

sometimes i just get so sick
of how fake everyone is to each other like
"Hey, how are you?! You look fantastic!"
i struggle everyday to stay alive and i am running on eight shots of espresso and no sleep
"I'm doing really well, thanks! Yeah, you look great too. I love your shoes where did you get them?"
"Oh thanks, I found them at a thrift store for ten dollars. But I love your lipstick! Where did you get it?"
You don't actually love my lipstick, you just need to return the compliment because you're probably at as much of a loss for words right now as I am
"Oh, thanks, um, some convenience store probably. I don't remember."
Moment of silence
"So how are things at home? How's school? I haven't seen you in a while... Well there was that time we had plans but you cancelled because you had to work or something. It's nice to finally see you."
Yeah I cancelled on purpose and lied about having to work because we have nothing to talk about anymore and you are somehow still so attached to this friendship that has disintegrated that you refuse to acknowledge
"Home is good, school is fine, and yeah sorry about that one time, you know how it is. Work can be pretty unpredictable sometimes! How are you though? How is your boyfriend and all that jazz?"
"Oh my gosh, so great. We're moving in a house together right now, his parents are helping out which is great because I cannot afford a mortgage right now! Hahahaha."
Right, because you're 21 and you have your **** together and I don't but I can't tell you that because you'd never understand and we don't relate on that level of realness wow what do we have in common i can't remember i'm trying to remember but i can't
"Wow, good for you! That's a big step. Well I hope that works out for you. I have to go catch my bus now, but I'm glad we got to catch up, love."
forced hug
"Yeah me too, you are so beautiful and wonderful and I really really miss you. Don't be such a stranger, okay?"
but we are strangers why can't you just admit it to yourself so we can move on
"Yeah! Sorry I just get so busy. Nice to see you too and I miss you lots too. Talk soon?"
"Definitely."
*not

He sighs through his nose and closes his eyes.
This, as they say, is the life.
Forget the sun-stained beaches.
Abandon the synthetic blue sea.
And who needs smooth sand?
When one has air?
And pray tell, where is the demand for rushing waves?
When one has silence?

Pictures and people are shown to him.
Autumn ’58, she tells him.
The jive, she says.
Bright dresses, say the pictures.
Polka dots. Fedora.
Vague smile, he says.

Here’s something he knows:
Peace lies in thoughts.
Serenity basks in plainness.
Know nothing.
Remember little.
Vacant, simple, and ignorant.
Ignorance, they say, is bliss.
Less, they say, is more.
Simplicity is splendour.

love is
the sound of the voice of a girl who lives
3,781.8 km away
who calls you just to hear you say
Hello,
i love you,
i am not only here
but i am
listening.
Because long distance charges don't apply
to those who have telephone wires attached
to their hearts.

love comes
in waves of
strange connections,
painstaking inventions
that enable
the sad to meet the sad
the sick to meet the sick
where only a fragile minority find each other and decide
to stay and not feed each others
insatiable demons
because there is a mutual understanding
of what it is to be at war with oneself
constantly fighting to get through
another day
where something as small as a
hello,
i love you
is enough to make you want
to stay.

love is
a series of lessons you learn
from a girl
who is wise beyond her years
who is too young to be so sad
who is too smart to be so uncertain
who is too brilliant to realize her own
abysmal radiance.

Dearest Hillary,
in exactly one month
you will be greeting me
with the same open heart you always have
the only difference is
i will finally be able
to feel
it
beat.

She's a girl and you're a man,
A man not a boy,
When you said she was entertaining did you mean only like a toy? A toy you can just play, break and throw away?
She's confused.
Maybe you're just busy with life while she's still just growing up, my God you're old enough to have a wife.
She's confused.
One great night,
Maybe that's all it was and she should just accept it.
If it was up to her she could forget it.
The age difference is killing her and the mixed signals are willing her, to do what?
Keep trying, give up?
She doesn't know.
She doesn't want to.
Yes she does.
She's lost.
The girl is lost and confused, but what about the man?
Tell me _ , what about you?
Do you feel the way I do?
When you said you loved me I thought it was a joke,
But was it true?
I'm confused.
I haven't known you long but it feels like forever to me,
Forever.
How can one night be forever?
Is it worth it to endeavor?
Or just to wonder if I'll ever,
Ever be good enough
I ask myself in vain.
Either way I know ends with pain, that much I am sure.
Living so far away, having a difference in age,
Is true love even a cure?
It should be.
It could be.
Maybe I wish it would be.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
I've been through a lot.
I'm still waking up in hopes that it was just a dream.
A dream or a nightmare?
I can't recall.
If I took a risk could I lose it all?
Would that help?
Losing it all?
Maybe I'm being stupid,
Compared to this "problem" I feel so small.
I must be diluted
To just fall.
To fall so hard.
Staring at this wall maybe I'll get away?
Get away and forget the day,
Forget the time I was confused and lost.
How long until I just exhaust?
Love, it comes at too high a cost.
I'm confused and lost
Lost in my thoughts.
I don't cry easily but maybe it's time
I once heard a friend of mine say "Crying only means you've been too strong for too long"
Too late, I'm gone, so far gone
Lost in my thoughts, gone, unending as it seems
Somehow I'll survive, I'll figure out what exactly God's test means.
In the future I'll hopefully be, no, know I will be
The girl who was once confused, once lost
The one that became a woman
After she defined lost and beat the cost.
The cost of love.

I feel this undying need
to bring myself to a higher plane
my mind a run away train
that managed to veer off track
only to be redirected
and brought back to center

Peace is the moment we
find our way back
to the path that suits us
and I am sprinting breathlessly
in a desperate attempt to salvage

Once again regaining the strength
to repair and purify
with nothing other than growth in mind
our internal battles are most brutal
but fighting them is surely time well spent
The only war I believe in

last night scraped painstakingly
from the fissures in my brain
scraped like ink from wood-latch boxes with
fancy carved roses on the top

chewing apart memories with
your nails clenched into my hand
I am falling out of love all over again

clicking keys and snapping wrists
ripped strings and fractured minds
slipping into different facades
of distances that felt closer
six trembling months so
long

touching your palm
with a face that isn't real anymore
pillow cased fingertips touching cheeks
bumping elbows ripple through ponds of
tension seething just under the skin and
details throb in my temples

I have vanished from the city skyline
I am taking back my couch, I am stepping on dried roses
pilfering paint from butterfly wings
frankly darling sweet pea
there were these picnic baskets and sunflowers

bitterly lamenting to everyone but printed on both sides
of your business card it says "heartbreaker"
and printed on both sides of the fortune cookie it said
"not your business, move on move on"

stitching holes in my cheekbones, I
haven't got the heart to put up walls
haven't got the nerve to break them down
still painting you into my sunflowers and I am
so wary when I scrape elbows