I feel like lately,
maybe when you say my name,
it doesn't melt in your mouth like honey,
but maybe engulfs your taste buds like bland oatmeal.

When you think of my warmth and love,
that maybe you misplaced the thought of me with another.

Are you still crazy about me?

When I think of you,
its like a warm summer day,
it takes over my skin, warms my cheeks.
makes me smile at the sky and laugh for no reason but being happy.

When I say your name my mouth quivers,
and my chest just wants to explode with confetti,
like you are something to celebrate everyday.
You are the essence of my happiness

But when you talk to me I feel like I am the thorn in the lion's paw,
that I am no longer a luxury but a chore.

You told me that no one wants to be glued to their phone,
that its no fun to be on your phone on your birthday.

What can I do?
You live so far and the only connection I have is this satellite between phones.
I love you so much and I just wanted to do what I can to share that day with you.

If I could get on the plane right now and be with you I'd be there in a heartbeat,
no questions, I'd drop everything but I feel that for you that's not the case.

Aren't you still crazy about me?
Crazy like I am for you?

Why don't you want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you?
Why am I not on your mind all the time like you're on mine?
Why am I crying over how much I miss just seeing your words on my screen
but you can easily not reply for hours on end?

Are you still crazy about me?
Or am I just this safety net that catches you when you're falling?

Chapter I

There was a time...Once...
When I danced alone.
In a silent thicket full of creeping vines and
heavy tree’d paths that hid me from sight
by drooping, mossy, branches.

It was my home.

I danced,
a lonely dance of bare feet,
toes gliding over soft blades of grass, uninterrupted.

To a song heard only by my soul, a melody sung only by my heart.

I would dance,
eyes closed,
arms outstretched before me
                               circling. spinning…spinning, circling

Calling, casting,
wishes out into the universe from my small corner of the world.
Then…

My dance.

Without warning, it took me…

Over hills and dales it took me, warm and beckoning
To mountaintops, on gossamer wings it took me,
where the wind blew through my hair and I could fly.

But then…
Down I went. Down into shadowy valleys which blinded me.

Through cold waters that seeped in
and froze my veins.
Frosted me.

My dancing slowed,
as my limbs grew cold,
the beating of my heart had all but stopped.

To my knees, I fell, rooting myself to the ground.
And there I stayed...
my lips quietly forming the echo of the slowing beat...

made by my heart
             as the struggling rhythm
                      of my dance
                                began to die…

*onetwo...threefour
onetwo...threefour
onetwo…three
onetwo…three
onetwo…
one…
.......

Your beauty is to me,
nothing but an old, golden coffin,
Buried in the sea.
Your mind is to me,
A phoenix that had been imprisoned by fire,
and it can never gain liberty.
You are to me,
Nothing but an old memory,
That I threw away.
In the darkest corner of my mind, to the right, there's a small locked box.
You belong there
A memory that never tried,
To reach my tongue.
And in the dreamless night,
A whisper broke through my innocent mind,
Killing the memory
And by its death, I remembered
What I shall never forget

**** me hard and sweet and look me in the eye as I
Come to the see that being who I want isn't a
Race me to the front steps of our
Home is not always an accurate word for a physical
Place the picture of me in my cap and gown between the past and
The future us will realize that you're never too your for
Love thy neighbor as yourself is really much harder than it
Seems can fall apart but nothing ever stops you from stitching new
Ones enough sometimes, but sometimes four shots seem
Better I tell you I love you now, then wait till
Tomorrow nothing is holding me back from
Living day to day never had much appeal, I'd rather live from me to
You don't see that your daughter is suffocating because you can't let
Go with me to the moon, to the stars, and
Back then, I never really cared.
I still don't.

You can count the stars as many times as you want
But you are the earth and I am the moon.
And I will never stop revolving around you.

It isn’t what it seems, life isn’t but a dream.
A porous umbrella, a selfish Cinderella,
A deafening silence, an unfaithful alliance,
An inaudible roar, a dry liquor store,
A tell-all magician, a tell-all politician,
A stuttering thespian, a boy-crazy lesbian,
A sober alcoholic, a glad melancholic,
A deflated balloon, a dried-up lagoon,
A real-life oasis, a movable stasis,
A saddened hyena, a fat ballerina,
A one-item list, a sixty-pound mist,
An illiterate writer, a cowardly fighter,
A concrete bed pillow, a smiling willow,
A ****** librarian, a caring barbarian,
A fresh-water ocean, and a straying devotion.

True gardeners cannot bear a glove
Between the sure touch and the tender root,
Must let their hands grow knotted as they move
With a rough sensitivity about
Under the earth, between the rock and shoot,
Never to bruise or wound the hidden fruit.
And so I watched my mother's hands grow scarred,
She who could heal the wounded plant or friend
With the same vulnerable yet rigorous love;
I minded once to see her beauty gnarled,
But now her truth is given me to live,
As I learn for myself we must be hard
To move among the tender with an open hand,
And to stay sensitive up to the end
Pay with some toughness for a gentle world.

I can't guess what's outside my mind
I even don't know what's inside
there's only words that I can find
still trapped beyond their wrong and right

I tried to analyze what's me
and I did find I am not there
'though I'm still trying hard to see
my self gets lost within my stare

it seems this is the final line
there is no answer from beyond
my mind plays tricks on my weird mind
so I can't tell what i have found

I sense a gap yawning at me
extremely bored by useless tries
I can't control what I can't see
and what I see still blinds my eye

this gap is wide and it is deep
I would get lost if I should try
to cross it with a logic heap
since every meaning is a lie

hope I'm not ****** to realize
that there's no way for going on
that going further won't be wise
may cause confusing right with wrong

I blame my helplessly forced thoughts
for showing what I can't deny
although I know it's them of course
that hide the world from my fooled eye

I can't guess what's outside my mind
and don't know what is all inside
there's only words newly combined
to live on beyond wrong and right

the gap is deep and it is wide
I'm lost no matter if I try
to reach out for the other side
since every reason is a lie

but writing on to change what's true
may lift me to a novel top
a strange one with a wider view
for getting closer there's no stop

'though gaps restrain what I can do
but there's no way for giving up
lost, yearning for a self that's true
maybe I already went one step
.....................................................too far
........................................................... and
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....­....................................................... fell
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.........­.................................................. into
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....­.......................................................
.........­..................................................
..............­............................................. the
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...................­........................................ gap