Who are you to decide my worth
When you don't even know me?

I can no longer write


            my pen only drips with anger

I don't know my own name anymore,
It's like I stare into the mirror, and someone else stares out.
I'm trapped, and I can't get out

If you were a piece of glass,
I'd wrap you in silky cloth
so you wouldn't break
or cut me.

If you were a child,
I'd sing you sweet songs,
until you fell asleep,
so quiet in my arms.

If you were a rose,
I'd never cut you from
the bush where you belong
So you would never ***** me.

If you were a dandelion,
I'd cup you in my hands so gently,
so the wind could not
blow your dreams away.

But because you aren't a fragile thing,
I have to leave you be.
It truly breaks my heart
to see you get hurt so easily.

I feel all too deeply.
I care far too much.
I want to make you happy.
I know that's not what you need.
I know that's not what you want.
I can't help feeling this way.
I want to be the hero again.
I want to save you from yourself.
I want to save you from them.
I want you to treat me with reverence.
I know how selfish that is.
I want to save you, to save me.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Am I breathing too much?
Why am I not blinking?

Breathe in, breathe out.
Maybe I'll drink some water,
No, no it just comes straight up again.

Breathe in, breathe out.
My head has lifted off my shoulders like a hot air balloon.
I think I'm blacking out.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Take another anti-depressant.

Let it all fade to grey.

I am told every day by my 83 year old grandfather to
Cheer up, smile, no one wants to see you looking like that
And every time, I smile weakly, look him in the eye and despondently reply
Oh, sorry. Didn't sleep well

And I didn't.
I was too busy thinking how nice it might be just to drift into this sleep and not awake.
And then at 4am drifting off... hoping.

Disappointed, it's 7 am. The sun is shining, I know I should be grateful to be alive.
But I'm not.
I'm just disappointed to be held accountable for myself every morning,
and not have the guts to do anything about it.

I want to wade into the dark depths of the ocean at midnight
and stop right when my nose hovers above the water

and see what I'd do

Play me a tune
on that awful thing please
I don't care what it is,
just make me at ease

Flutter and swipe
your hand to the right
to hit those high notes
that are harder than most

Tap your foot lightly
to the beat and the sound
Swaying your head
as you look to the ground

How can you smile,
and yet be so serious?
How can a harmonica
Make me so deliriously

Happy
yet
sad

because this is a memory
And you're far away now


Gone, gone, gone.






So play me a tune now
on that awful thing, please
and as you hit that last flat note,
Watch me fall to my knees.

-

I sent you a million love letters
Behind painted on smiles

And they all came back

Return to sender

-

I really thought it was different this time,
That you'd let it just be between us.
I know I should've known better than that,
You always did like to cause a fuss.

I'm not mad, I promise
But it hurts like ******* hell
When we parted in such an amicable way
With me thinking that things were swell.

But you see, my day has been a bit ****,
Filled with whispers and withering stares.
And then, from the boy you supposedly hate,
I was the receiver of a deadly glare.

Trying to make banter, I joke around
"Well what have I done this time?"
And then to find out that I'm the talk of your friends
For commiting the worst kind of crime.

You see, I am evil, I truly am
To have fought with you at all
And the blame isn't on you no no no
I am the one with the faults

I am not mad at you,
Because I refuse to be
I don't want  a repeat of last time
But this is going to be the death of me.

I cannot go on being treated like this,
So either deal with it,
Or I'll deal with it myself
Because this is it

This is the last time.