I tell my friends I don’t think of you. I breathe out a sigh of relief. Lying isn’t hard anymore. I do it everyday. Like that time we bumped into each other and I told you I hate your guts. You smiled but I think that’s because you’re the only person that’s actually good at calling my *******.  I tell you my life is amazing without you. That I am actually doing better in the absence of you. You tell me that you’re doing great also. ****. I pictured this situation at 3 am once and this is not how went at all. Now I’m staring at my fries wondering if we’re both bluffing. Looking stupid- as always. I’m not good at much but I think my notable talent is looking like an absolute idiot every time you’re around. You shouldn’t give me butterflies anymore. I always hated butterflies but maybe that’s because picturing bugs that eat dead things sometimes in my stomach isn’t my favorite thing to think about. Anyway- you make me nervous. I blame this on the lack of you in my life these days. But who am I kidding, you’ve always made me feel this way from the time I met you til the day you left me. I try to act cool and collected but instead I’m just making myself look like I eat wacky snackies in my free time. You’ve always given me that look you gave me that day I always have a hard time Deciphering weather you’re looking at me lovingly or if you’re just trying to find out why this mess of a human is talking to you. We never saw eye to eye but sometimes I swear I must’ve been speaking a made up language to you because you never understood a **** thing I was saying. Or maybe that’s just because you’re a man. Sometimes you’d be talking to me and I’d  just stare at you because I had no actual idea what you were talking about. But that’s because im a women. So you get the point. I try to strike up a conversation on top of the one that died a few seconds ago but when you’re done talking that’s usually it. I get about five minutes to wow you and it’s back to us being strangers. And then I walk away wondering what I said wrong or what I should’ve said instead. But the truth that you want so badly is that this is exhausting. I wish I could be myself and you love me but you don’t love me either way so, why do I still try. I shouldn’t. And Im done trying and no this time you can’t call *******.

Today was perfect
The windows were down
Indies music playing
And my favorite people were around
They make every sunset beautiful
every tear less sad
Every smile more meaningful
Every high more enjoyable
And every memory memorable.

It’s back
It came back slowly
It creeped through the walls I’ve built trying to keep it out.
It wrapped around my mind.
It consumed my thoughts, my laugh, my life.
It paralyzed me.
It made sure I stayed in bed while my friends were out making memories, then drew dark clouds over all of my favorites.
It makes me angry but never hungry.
It makes me want to hide.
It makes me want to scream but it makes me too nervous to make a sound.
It comes and goes.
It likes to come more than go
And stay rather than visit.
It pushes me away yet draws me closer.
I kick and scream in my dreams but it always comes back to me.

Sitting in the quiet of my room, and realizing it's not actually the quiet of my room. you see silence sounds more like screeching when all I can do is think about the unthinkable. Everything I shouldn't be but everything I am. Everything I shouldn't have done but did.

Little siblings,
please stop growing.
I wasn’t there for your first words.
Your first steps.
Your first days of school.
Your first anything.

Little siblings,
I know you don’t understand the world around you.
Why you don’t see me like you should
I wish I could hide you, you’ll never feel pain.

Little siblings,
I wish I could teach you about life
Good music
God
manners
And morals

Little siblings,
I want to be the perfect role model for you
I want to show you that family can be together
I want to show you a good life.
I want you to see where working hard,
Living for God,
And never being afriad to ask for help can get you.

Little siblings,
I see the world in your tiny eyes
And I hope I become someone you look up to.
I know you see me as strong, caring, and loving.
And I want to continue showing you that I am.

Little brother,
You came at the perfect time
You put light in my life I didn’t know I needed
You call me beautiful every time I see you

You give me big hugs that warm my heart.

Little sister,
I held you and I knew I had to build myself into the women I want you to be.
I know I’m not perfect but in your eyes I am.
You yell “*****” when you see me

You give me big hugs that warm my heart.

Little siblings,
I wish your laugh could always fill my room
I wish I could see you like I should
You used to be so tiny
Where has the time gone?

“Big sister” feels so important

Big sister has to be perfect for you
Big sister wants to be there more
Big sister wants to watch you grow

Big sister will always be someone you can rely on
Call  upon  
A helping hand
A loving hug
A long talk

Big sister can be someone you laugh with
Or cry with

Big sister will always love you
Never judge you
And always support you.

I wish I could be a blank draft.
Something I could just make myself.
So I could actually be myself.
I look in the mirror and I'm not sure I see me anymore.
I'm not sure I ever did.
Maybe I don't know exactly what "me" I'm looking for.
But I know that it's not the me I am now.
Sometimes I think about driving my fist through a mirror.
Maybe the shattered reflection would be what I'm looking for.

I woke up screaming your name again.
I’ve driven down back roads screaming lyrics to our favorite songs.if I could scream the memory of you out of me, I would.
That’s not to say I wish You were gone,But to say maybe things would be easier if you were. Sometimes I say I wish I’d never met you ,then I remind myself how bitter sweet it is to have the memory of us. When I tell you how sad I am you always tell me to distance myself from you. But if I did that I’d only be more sad; however, talking to you makes me feel close again and I know I can’t be, I’ll never gain that feeling back. Sometimes we talk like we’re best friends and I think about the times we had together. You still make me laugh like the first time we met and I still cry like the last time you said you love me.

Sometimes I forget that life has ups too.
We always get so lost in the downs
It feels like that’s all we’ve got
Remember you’ll find your peace
Remember there’s always something
Even if it feels like nothing
Remember to hold on to the good days.  
Sometimes I forget to appreciate the people around me.
Sometimes I forget that if I were gone it would make a sound
That sound could echo
That sound could feel so loud in the minds of the people that knew me
Sometimes I forget that people appreciate me
Sometimes I forget that I’m less lonely than I think
On days that I feel less important or I feel like I have no purpose it’s always there.

I’ve been staying up late.
Waiting on that 4 am call.
You can’t sleep.
You’re sad.
You’re drunk.
You miss me.
You’re happy.
You need me.
I’m waiting to hear your voice.
Hear your muffled laugh through the phone.
Last time you called I never took my face from that phone.
Feeling your voice right next to me made me feel at home.
I want to hear what’s happening.
I want to know your new favorite song. I want to tell you about mine.
I want to know how your day went.
How your moms doing.
I want to know what you want to do next with your car; even though I used to hate hearing about it.
Tell me about your new passions.
Fears.
Wants.
You’re new must haves
Or never do’s.
Tell me what’s on your mind all the time.
Or now.
Or last week.
Even last month.
I want to know it all.
I want to call you.
I want you to know everything new about me too.
I want you to care.
Give me advice
Tell me everything’s alright or Im overreacting.
I want your input
I want to hear your views
Let’s argue
Tell me I’m wrong
I’ll tell you you’re right.
I want to hear you yelling at that video game you play.
I want to tell you to shut up
Or speak up.
I want to hear you snore.
I want to text you “call me”
And immediately get a call.
I
I want you.

Listened to the rain softly fall on the roof we used to cuddle under on days like this. I prayed maybe the rain would wash away some of this sting but my dear I fear I’ll always love you.

Knowing my relationship with my mother will never be the way it should be doesn't really bother me, but knowing my little siblings won't even have any relationship with you breaks my heart. Mom, I've learned how to live without you but they shouldn't have to. They need you, you should be there. You used to say kids come first, I guess you've forgotten.