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6.6k · Feb 2019
Little siblings
Desi Feb 2019
Little siblings,
please stop growing.
I wasn’t there for your first words.
Your first steps.
Your first days of school.
Your first anything.

Little siblings,
I know you don’t understand the world around you.
Why you don’t see me like you should
I wish I could hide you, you’ll never feel pain.

Little siblings,
I wish I could teach you about life
Good music
God
manners
And morals

Little siblings,
I want to be the perfect role model for you
I want to show you that family can be together
I want to show you a good life.
I want you to see where working hard,
Living for God,
And never being afriad to ask for help can get you.

Little siblings,
I see the world in your tiny eyes
And I hope I become someone you look up to.
I know you see me as strong, caring, and loving.
And I want to continue showing you that I am.

Little brother,
You came at the perfect time
You put light in my life I didn’t know I needed
You call me beautiful every time I see you

You give me big hugs that warm my heart.

Little sister,
I held you and I knew I had to build myself into the women I want you to be.
I know I’m not perfect but in your eyes I am.
You yell “*****” when you see me

You give me big hugs that warm my heart.

Little siblings,
I wish your laugh could always fill my room
I wish I could see you like I should
You used to be so tiny
Where has the time gone?

“Big sister” feels so important

Big sister has to be perfect for you
Big sister wants to be there more
Big sister wants to watch you grow

Big sister will always be someone you can rely on
Call  upon  
A helping hand
A loving hug
A long talk

Big sister can be someone you laugh with
Or cry with

Big sister will always love you
Never judge you
And always support you.
1.1k · Jul 2017
Rape me
Desi Jul 2017
**** me.
I guess that's what I was saying when I looked at you the wrong way.
Or maybe it was what I was wearing.
Those neon green jeans and my favorite tee.
I was only eleven, when I woke up from a drunken slumber with you on top of me.
That thought still haunts me.
I still see your eyes when I fall asleep.
I still see those days where I thought a boy four years older than me actually wanted to be my friend.
I still see the first night I told you I'd smoke with you.
An illegal drug I told myself I'd never do.
After all I grew up Seeing everything my mother went through.
How could I?
I think it was Your voice that took me up like an ocean and sweetly swept me off my feet.
I trusted you.
I shouldn't have.
you ruined me.
You're probably living your life as you should be now.
Like nothing ever happened.
I bet you don't even think of me.
You turned me into something I shouldn't have been at that age.
But maybe you don't think of it that way.
I just wanted to say,
I do.
821 · Jul 2017
Beauty
Desi Jul 2017
I see more beauty in the sky than I do in man kind.
Constantly hurting eachother just because they're dealing with their own hurt.
I see more beauty in my enemies than those close to me.
I see their hurt and flaws before I see their face.
The scars on their arms scream "love me"
They're just Faint enough to almost not not see.
But I do.
I always notice scars before I notice other things
It's kind of like a twisted beauty.
I don't think they're beautiful because I'm trying to justify self harm.
I think they're beautiful because they tell a story.
They speak louder than words can.
They tell me that their story isn't perfect,
There's twists and kinks that makes you who you are.
You might hate me. And maybe I hate you a little bit too.
But I'll always see the beauty in you.
In everything.
Desi Dec 2017
I had a friend who seemed so empty to me I honestly thought I could fit mountains in his soul. However,  We’d stay up talking Until 5:00 am. Those nights I swear the hours where actually minutes. We’d tell each other things we hated, wanted to change, wanted to do, and things we believed in.
4 years pass and I can still vividly remember the sound his voice made when he tried to force the words to tell me what happened. That night I listened to the sad silence for hours. I think he spent this time asking god why? He always told me heaven was too far away for a good reason. I always assumed it was because you’d want to visit the ones who were gone,  but this time I think it was so we couldn’t egg the heavens.
420 · Dec 2017
Home
Desi Dec 2017
My grandmother used to tell me to think of love as a home.
So I did.
home felt comfortable.
Home seemed a little broken from the past owners. I thought of it as a fixer upper.
Home was beautiful.
Home made me happy, except when he did that thing I didn’t like, a thousand times.
Looking back that thing, was just silly.
I think that thing was just my excuse for not loving all the other things home put me through.
I tried to brush it off because no matter what this would be the first home I knew.
For the longest time I tried to fix home.
However, when I fixed one thing; another seemed broken.
The tile floors started to crack, the very thing I loved the most.
Then the beautiful walls started to crumble right in front of me.
My first home started getting harder and harder to fix, and just like that it became harder and harder to love.
Looking back, home was just a house.
397 · Aug 2017
Advice to the br(ok)en
Desi Aug 2017
1.) Find your happy place.
Because happy places make happy faces or at least that's what my therapist says.
2. Find a therapist.
No, not like the therapist your parents tried to force, one you actually like.
3. Don't think about what they said.
Whoever "they" are, they're wrong.
4. Don't let them get to you, ever.
Even when their words seem to be the only ones you hear.
5. Let go of negativity.
Yes, that could even mean your "bff"
6. Remember, time doesn't matter
7 years of friendship means nothing when it's 7 years of bending of backwards and getting hurt.
7.find actual friends
Friends that care.
8. Don't text your ex
Any of them. Ever.
9. Open a window
10. Take a nap
11. Find happiness in the small things.
Even if they're small, they're something.
12. Find something to rely on.
A shoulder to cry on.
Someone who won't make you feel bad for feeling bad for no reason.
13. Have somone who understands.
Who will try to bring you sunshine when you can't find it.
Even if you don't want it, take it, appreciate it.
14. Tell other people they're beautiful,
Mean it.
Smile because they're smiling.
15. Thank whatever you believe in for another day, even if you don't really want it.
285 · Apr 2018
Wake up
Desi Apr 2018
Knowing my relationship with my mother will never be the way it should be doesn't really bother me, but knowing my little siblings won't even have any relationship with you breaks my heart. Mom, I've learned how to live without you but they shouldn't have to. They need you, you should be there. You used to say kids come first, I guess you've forgotten.
280 · Apr 2018
We need you, mom
Desi Apr 2018
When I was younger I often had this nightmare an actual fear that I’ve developed since I knew the truth; your peacefully limp body on our old bathroom floor, with a rubber band around your arm and needle in hand. Though I've never seen you personally in this state I have this image vividly burned in the back of my mind. I've been sheltered yet so close to your drug addiction, only seeing parts of the things you've done. Only getting to see you when you were "feeling better" after the od.
I still remember when they told me, I was afraid for you but I wasn't even almost surprised. I began to realize thinking of something happening to you became a normal thought for me. The nightmares became my reality. Your poor decisions and horrible taste in men leaves your children scared.. no matter how many times you get the chance to change, you never will.And I'll never get used to that nor will I ever give up hope.
272 · Jul 2018
The songs in your car
Desi Jul 2018
I think one of my favorite parts about our relationship is the times we spent in your car.
We could be driving to a random destination or parked at our favorite spot(s)

We always talked about the future
Or about what we meant to each other
Sometimes we’d rant about things that bothered us or sometimes we’d argue.

Those times in your car will forever be unforgettable.
The songs we sang at the top of our lungs like nobody was listening.

The songs I listen to when I cry.
The songs you’re probably showing her now.
The songs I’ll never forget, but wish I could.
Those songs that got us through all the ****.

Its crazy how far a little green car and good music can take two lost souls away from everything.
It’s crazy on how I confused my love for time spent with you and my love for you.

We may have been different
But the two things that will glue us together will forever remain.
272 · May 2018
ticking
Desi May 2018
The thought of you circles in my mind.
The constant ticking of the watch your mother gave me ****** me off.
It's three am I haven't stayed up this late since we got together.
you always told me to go to bed.

a few months of a great relationship pass,
a new, horrible one emerges with the same person.
I tried to tell my self that its just a "rough patch"

Though you did do things for me,
still felt this was just a constant battle.

I felt like I was always fighting just to be myself.
I stopped telling you things I wanted to. 

Kissing you felt forced.
The way we touched felt alien.

Know that I don't blame you.
we brought out the worst in each other.
we brought out the monster we never thought we'd show anyone.
252 · Aug 2017
Endless
Desi Aug 2017
today I woke up feeling better than yesterday.
Tomorrow I'll probably wake up
feeling worse.
Or I won't.
Some days I feel nothing.
When I do it's endless.
All I hope for is something.
Even if it is pain,
it's an end to the endless
which would be a new beginning.
236 · May 2019
Good vibe
Desi May 2019
Today was perfect
The windows were down
Indies music playing
And my favorite people were around
They make every sunset beautiful
every tear less sad
Every smile more meaningful
Every high more enjoyable
And every memory memorable.
Desi Aug 2017
I could stare at you for hours.
I look at you and see no imperfections.
You're more beautiful than a sunset to me.
So when I don't want to open up,
It's not because I don't want myself to get close to you.
it's because I'm actually terrified that I'll lose you.
233 · Mar 2018
prom dress
Desi Mar 2018
trying on prom dresses only to find you can't fit anything you like,
and everything you can fit you hate.

everyone tells you, you look fine,
don't change.

standing in front of this mirror,
i'm not seeing what they are.

I can't get motivated to do anything about it,
instead I lay in bed and eat my feelings.

I never learned to deal with things in a healthy manner,
and it's taking a toll on my body.
which in turn, takes a toll on me.

I don't look like the other girls,
beautiful
sweet
happy

prom dress shopping must be a breeze.
they aren't afraid of the tight fitting, curve hugging dresses.

the girl beside me found the dress of her dreams
and I go home and cry.
224 · May 2018
Give
Desi May 2018
I’ll be your giving tree
And when I can’t give anymore
I’ll keep giving

Destroy myself to make sure you’re alright
But don’t worry
I’m fine.
213 · May 2018
lost
Desi May 2018
My family tells me to work it out.
"it was almost a year"
Everyone loves you so much I almost couldn't think of myself.
I couldn't take the arguing,
The alone feeling even though I had someone.
I had to be someone different.
you were good to me.
******* cared.
I wish you didn't.
The way you showed me love and the way I needed it, didn't meet.
I still care for you.
you're not the only one falling apart..
Desi Jul 2017
I didn't love you because you were you. I loved you because I had an idea in my head of what I thought was you. I confused my thoughts with reality which twisted things. Both my emotions and  yours. Maybe I was bitter our whole relationship because you weren't what my head wanted you to be. Or maybe it was because you actually weren't a good person.
but either way I'm the wrong one here.
I let this go on for so long hurt felt like home. I reminded myself that there were some good qualities when something went wrong and it seemed to go away instantly.
However, the longer it lasted the good qualities faded and so did I.
197 · Oct 2018
We need you, mom
Desi Oct 2018
When I was younger I often had this nightmare an actual fear that I’ve developed since I knew the truth; You’re peacefully limp body on our old bathroom floor, with a rubber band around your arm and needle in hand. Though I've never seen you personally in this state I have this image vividly burned in the back of my mind. I've been sheltered yet so close to your drug addiction, only seeing parts of the things you've done. Only getting to see you when you were "feeling better" after the od.
I still remember when they told me, I was afraid for you but I wasn't even almost surprised. I began to realize thinking of something happening to you became a normal thought for me. The nightmares became my reality. Your poor decisions and horrible taste in men leaves your children scared.. no matter how many times you get the chance to change, you never will.And I'll never get used to that nor will I ever give up hope.
194 · Aug 2017
Me
Desi Aug 2017
Me
I wish I could be a blank draft.
Something I could just make myself.
So I could actually be myself.
I look in the mirror and I'm not sure I see me anymore.
I'm not sure I ever did.
Maybe I don't know exactly what "me" I'm looking for.
But I know that it's not the me I am now.
Sometimes I think about driving my fist through a mirror.
Maybe the shattered reflection would be what I'm looking for.
185 · Jan 2019
Bluffing
Desi Jan 2019
I tell my friends I don’t think of you. I breathe out a sigh of relief. Lying isn’t hard anymore. I do it everyday. Like that time we bumped into each other and I told you I hate your guts. You smiled but I think that’s because you’re the only person that’s actually good at calling my *******.  I tell you my life is amazing without you. That I am actually doing better in the absence of you. You tell me that you’re doing great also. ****. I pictured this situation at 3 am once and this is not how went at all. Now I’m staring at my fries wondering if we’re both bluffing. Looking stupid- as always. I’m not good at much but I think my notable talent is looking like an absolute idiot every time you’re around. You shouldn’t give me butterflies anymore. I always hated butterflies but maybe that’s because picturing bugs that eat dead things sometimes in my stomach isn’t my favorite thing to think about. Anyway- you make me nervous. I blame this on the lack of you in my life these days. But who am I kidding, you’ve always made me feel this way from the time I met you til the day you left me. I try to act cool and collected but instead I’m just making myself look like I eat wacky snackies in my free time. You’ve always given me that look you gave me that day I always have a hard time Deciphering weather you’re looking at me lovingly or if you’re just trying to find out why this mess of a human is talking to you. We never saw eye to eye but sometimes I swear I must’ve been speaking a made up language to you because you never understood a **** thing I was saying. Or maybe that’s just because you’re a man. Sometimes you’d be talking to me and I’d  just stare at you because I had no actual idea what you were talking about. But that’s because im a women. So you get the point. I try to strike up a conversation on top of the one that died a few seconds ago but when you’re done talking that’s usually it. I get about five minutes to wow you and it’s back to us being strangers. And then I walk away wondering what I said wrong or what I should’ve said instead. But the truth that you want so badly is that this is exhausting. I wish I could be myself and you love me but you don’t love me either way so, why do I still try. I shouldn’t. And Im done trying and no this time you can’t call *******.
184 · May 2019
Still wanting you
Desi May 2019
I’ve been staying up late.
Waiting on that 4 am call.
You can’t sleep.
You’re sad.
You’re drunk.
You miss me.
You’re happy.
You need me.
I’m waiting to hear your voice.
Hear your muffled laugh through the phone.
Last time you called I never took my face from that phone.
Feeling your voice right next to me made me feel at home.
I want to hear what’s happening.
I want to know your new favorite song. I want to tell you about mine.
I want to know how your day went.
How your moms doing.
I want to know what you want to do next with your car; even though I used to hate hearing about it.
Tell me about your new passions.
Fears.
Wants.
You’re new must haves
Or never do’s.
Tell me what’s on your mind all the time.
Or now.
Or last week.
Even last month.
I want to know it all.
I want to call you.
I want you to know everything new about me too.
I want you to care.
Give me advice
Tell me everything’s alright or Im overreacting.
I want your input
I want to hear your views
Let’s argue
Tell me I’m wrong
I’ll tell you you’re right.
I want to hear you yelling at that video game you play.
I want to tell you to shut up
Or speak up.
I want to hear you snore.
I want to text you “call me”
And immediately get a call.
I
I want you.
177 · Jul 2017
Late night thoughts
Desi Jul 2017
Sitting in the quiet of my room, and realizing it's not actually the quiet of my room. you see silence sounds more like screeching when all I can do is think about the unthinkable. Everything I shouldn't be but everything I am. Everything I shouldn't have done but did.
172 · May 2019
It’s back
Desi May 2019
It’s back
It came back slowly
It creeped through the walls I’ve built trying to keep it out.
It wrapped around my mind.
It consumed my thoughts, my laugh, my life.
It paralyzed me.
It made sure I stayed in bed while my friends were out making memories, then drew dark clouds over all of my favorites.
It makes me angry but never hungry.
It makes me want to hide.
It makes me want to scream but it makes me too nervous to make a sound.
It comes and goes.
It likes to come more than go
And stay rather than visit.
It pushes me away yet draws me closer.
I kick and scream in my dreams but it always comes back to me.
171 · Sep 2018
Memory of you
Desi Sep 2018
I woke up screaming your name again.
I’ve driven down back roads screaming lyrics to our favorite songs.if I could scream the memory of you out of me, I would.
That’s not to say I wish You were gone,But to say maybe things would be easier if you were. Sometimes I say I wish I’d never met you ,then I remind myself how bitter sweet it is to have the memory of us. When I tell you how sad I am you always tell me to distance myself from you. But if I did that I’d only be more sad; however, talking to you makes me feel close again and I know I can’t be, I’ll never gain that feeling back. Sometimes we talk like we’re best friends and I think about the times we had together. You still make me laugh like the first time we met and I still cry like the last time you said you love me.
169 · Sep 2018
Sometimes
Desi Sep 2018
Sometimes I forget that life has ups too.
We always get so lost in the downs
It feels like that’s all we’ve got
Remember you’ll find your peace
Remember there’s always something
Even if it feels like nothing
Remember to hold on to the good days.  
Sometimes I forget to appreciate the people around me.
Sometimes I forget that if I were gone it would make a sound
That sound could echo
That sound could feel so loud in the minds of the people that knew me
Sometimes I forget that people appreciate me
Sometimes I forget that I’m less lonely than I think
On days that I feel less important or I feel like I have no purpose it’s always there.
164 · Dec 2018
Untitled
Desi Dec 2018
My room feels so lonely without you,
it  misses your laugh
your smile
the way you used to dance on its floor.

my bed misses you
your 6:00 AM cuddles
our pillow fights.

I miss your eyes
and the way you make me feel.
I think the bigger issue is the way you make me feel now.
like I'm doing everything wrong.

My family asks about you daily.
They miss your hugs
the positivity you brought to our lives.
they miss the me I was when I was with you.
they'll always love you too.

I know you're making your new life.
I know you're alright.
I know i'll eventually be okay too.

knowing you're fine makes me wonder
if you miss me too.
I wonder if you ever think of me.
my laugh
my smile
my love for you.
159 · Jan 2018
Yellow
Desi Jan 2018
I haven’t seen you in three years, but it still feels like yesterday I was telling you how incredibly stupid you are. But what should have I expected from a person whose favorite song is by Coldplay. Sometimes I play that song, it makes me think of you in the best and worst ways. For that I hate it. However I sing it at the top of my lungs, when I do I remind myself of all the times I told you how much I hate this song. This song, pops in my head more than it should. More than I want it to. This song is you and I talking about relationship problems. This song is you and I telling each other, we deserve better. This song is the two of us not listening to our own advice. This song is our last falling out, when I told myself we’d still be friends. This song, is finally realizing that’ll never happen. And as much as that saddens me old friend, at least I have this song.
143 · Jan 2019
Conversations
Desi Jan 2019
Talking to you the other night made me realize I definitely should’ve written down every time I thought of you; or thought of being with you talking to you made me realize that maybe I’m not so crazy for missing you so much. We got to talk for hours, but I wasn’t able to tell about every day in the last six months even though I really wish I could’ve. We cracked jokes and I saw your smile and my heart melted. I thought of how every time I got to see that smile when you were mine all I could do was thank god you were mine. There were awkward moments of silence but I was just thankful to have those moments with you.
141 · Aug 2018
Untitled
Desi Aug 2018
lust hasn't felt the same since you left darling.
138 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Desi Sep 2018
Listened to the rain softly fall on the roof we used to cuddle under on days like this. I prayed maybe the rain would wash away some of this sting but my dear I fear I’ll always love you.
135 · Jan 2019
The other boys
Desi Jan 2019
When I say I still love you
Part of me knows it’s not you
That I am still loving
But the way it felt to be yours

The other boys will never
Love me
Not like you did.

They can touch me but
My heart will never race
As it did in your embrace

They can buy me roses
But their smile
Will never compare to yours
When you see mine

They can complement me
But they don’t mean it
Not like you did
I could see that in your eyes
The way you looked at me

They could try to comfort me
But they’ll never make me feel better
They wouldn’t  know how to hold me
Or what to say

They could give me attention
But what good is that
If I’m only craving yours

They could make my favorite foods
But their cooking would never be as good as yours
I could cook with them but
They wouldn’t dance to
Your favorite songs with me

They could carry my books to class
Or walk by my side
But I’d only be dreaming of you

They could tell me they’re so proud of me
But you’re the only one I’m going on for

At the end of the day I want to call
YOU
I wanna tell
YOU
About everything
I wanna kiss
YOUR
lips
And I wanna feel
YOUR
Skin

I wanna hear your voice
Your laugh
I wanna see you smile
I want you to strive

The boys they can want me
But they’ll never love me
Not like you did
133 · Jan 2019
to my best friend
Desi Jan 2019
You're misunderstood
your laughter always fills the room
and when peoples happiness is absent
yours is always present

However, you're not always happy
you hide your pain from the world
you're a jokester
some people don't get it, but I always do

you never know how to make up your mind but that isn't always a  bad thing
some days we go to 1000 different places
but any day with you is an adventure

anytime you're around I can count on
feeling a little better
and
laughing until I cant breathe

you're the strongest person I know
but you're also sensitive
you sting just like anyone else would sting

sometimes you're too ******* yourself
sometimes you make mistakes but so does everyone

you always tell me to pray for you
even if you don't believe
even if you know I always do

I love you on your best and worst days
even though we show it in twisted ways
131 · Mar 2018
For you-or me
Desi Mar 2018
Sometimes I can't focus enough to write. While on one subject my mind drifts to another. While seeing the beauty in one person sometimes my brain and even heart sees it in another.
However this whole time I've only had my eye on you.
The crazy part is, I don't know why.
One day I walked into your life and decided I'm staying forever.
Though at first you pushed me away I had this unchanging feeling that I had to be with you.
130 · Aug 2018
forget me
Desi Aug 2018
weeks feel like days now, but maybe that's because i'm used to waiting that long to hear from you.
but i should've guessed when you said you wouldn't be a stranger that's exactly what you became.
and when the weeks become months will i still cry for you my dear?
and when the months become years will i still think of you?
and when the thought of you fades will i still remember you?
When i forget you, will you remember me?
and when you remember me will it hurt?
111 · Jan 2019
anxiety rhythm
Desi Jan 2019
they say I'm overdramatic
all I want to do
is sit in my attic
smoke and listen to the static

I feel so alone
when I'm home

when I'm out
I don't want to be there
I get scared

"just breathe"
I dry heave 
all I wanna do is leave

they tell me I'm no fun
maybe I'm a ***

I feel the judging eyes

when I  meet my demise
will they miss me
would they wish to kiss me?

when I die
please don't cry

I know you won't.

— The End —