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Jan 2019
I tell my friends I don’t think of you. I breathe out a sigh of relief. Lying isn’t hard anymore. I do it everyday. Like that time we bumped into each other and I told you I hate your guts. You smiled but I think that’s because you’re the only person that’s actually good at calling my *******.  I tell you my life is amazing without you. That I am actually doing better in the absence of you. You tell me that you’re doing great also. ****. I pictured this situation at 3 am once and this is not how went at all. Now I’m staring at my fries wondering if we’re both bluffing. Looking stupid- as always. I’m not good at much but I think my notable talent is looking like an absolute idiot every time you’re around. You shouldn’t give me butterflies anymore. I always hated butterflies but maybe that’s because picturing bugs that eat dead things sometimes in my stomach isn’t my favorite thing to think about. Anyway- you make me nervous. I blame this on the lack of you in my life these days. But who am I kidding, you’ve always made me feel this way from the time I met you til the day you left me. I try to act cool and collected but instead I’m just making myself look like I eat wacky snackies in my free time. You’ve always given me that look you gave me that day I always have a hard time Deciphering weather you’re looking at me lovingly or if you’re just trying to find out why this mess of a human is talking to you. We never saw eye to eye but sometimes I swear I must’ve been speaking a made up language to you because you never understood a **** thing I was saying. Or maybe that’s just because you’re a man. Sometimes you’d be talking to me and I’d  just stare at you because I had no actual idea what you were talking about. But that’s because im a women. So you get the point. I try to strike up a conversation on top of the one that died a few seconds ago but when you’re done talking that’s usually it. I get about five minutes to wow you and it’s back to us being strangers. And then I walk away wondering what I said wrong or what I should’ve said instead. But the truth that you want so badly is that this is exhausting. I wish I could be myself and you love me but you don’t love me either way so, why do I still try. I shouldn’t. And Im done trying and no this time you can’t call *******.
Written by
Desi  20/F
   Suzy Berlinsky
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