Desi - Hello Poetry

Desi May 2018

ticking

The thought of you circles in my mind.
The constant ticking of the watch your mother gave me ****** me off.
It's three am I haven't stayed up this late since we got together.
you always told me to go to bed.

a few months of a great relationship pass,
a new, horrible one emerges with the same person.
I tried to tell my self that its just a "rough patch"

Though you did do things for me,
still felt this was just a constant battle.

I felt like I was always fighting just to be myself.
I stopped telling you things I wanted to.

Kissing you felt forced.
The way we touched felt alien.

Know that I don't blame you.
we brought out the worst in each other.
we brought out the monster we never thought we'd show anyone.

Desi Apr 2018

Wake up

Knowing my relationship with my mother will never be the way it should be doesn't really bother me, but knowing my little siblings won't even have any relationship with you breaks my heart. Mom, I've learned how to live without you but they shouldn't have to. They need you, you should be there. You used to say kids come first, I guess you've forgotten.

Desi Apr 2018

We need you, mom

When I was younger I often had this nightmare an actual fear that I’ve developed since I knew the truth; your peacefully limp body on our old bathroom floor, with a rubber band around your arm and needle in hand. Though I've never seen you personally in this state I have this image vividly burned in the back of my mind. I've been sheltered yet so close to your drug addiction, only seeing parts of the things you've done. Only getting to see you when you were "feeling better" after the od.
I still remember when they told me, I was afraid for you but I wasn't even almost surprised. I began to realize thinking of something happening to you became a normal thought for me. The nightmares became my reality. Your poor decisions and horrible taste in men leaves your children scared.. no matter how many times you get the chance to change, you never will.And I'll never get used to that nor will I ever give up hope.

Desi Mar 2018

prom dress

trying on prom dresses only to find you can't fit anything you like,
and everything you can fit you hate.

everyone tells you, you look fine,
don't change.

standing in front of this mirror,
i'm not seeing what they are.

I can't get motivated to do anything about it,
instead I lay in bed and eat my feelings.

I never learned to deal with things in a healthy manner,
and it's taking a toll on my body.
which in turn, takes a toll on me.

I don't look like the other girls,
beautiful
sweet
happy

prom dress shopping must be a breeze.
they aren't afraid of the tight fitting, curve hugging dresses.

the girl beside me found the dress of her dreams
and I go home and cry.

Desi Jan 2018

Yellow

I haven’t seen you in three years, but it still feels like yesterday I was telling you how incredibly stupid you are. But what should have I expected from a person whose favorite song is by Coldplay. Sometimes I play that song, it makes me think of you in the best and worst ways. For that I hate it. However I sing it at the top of my lungs, when I do I remind myself of all the times I told you how much I hate this song. This song, pops in my head more than it should. More than I want it to. This song is you and I talking about relationship problems. This song is you and I telling each other, we deserve better. This song is the two of us not listening to our own advice. This song is our last falling out, when I told myself we’d still be friends. This song, is finally realizing that’ll never happen. And as much as that saddens me old friend, at least I have this song.

Desi Dec 2017

Home

My grandmother used to tell me to think of love as a home.
So I did.
home felt comfortable.
Home seemed a little broken from the past owners. I thought of it as a fixer upper.
Home was beautiful.
Home made me happy, except when he did that thing I didn’t like, a thousand times.
Looking back that thing, was just silly.
I think that thing was just my excuse for not loving all the other things home put me through.
I tried to brush it off because no matter what this would be the first home I knew.
For the longest time I tried to fix home.
However, when I fixed one thing; another seemed broken.
The tile floors started to crack, the very thing I loved the most.
Then the beautiful walls started to crumble right in front of me.
My first home started getting harder and harder to fix, and just like that it became harder and harder to love.
Looking back, home was just a house.

Desi Dec 2017

A silly, sad poem for an old friend

I had a friend who seemed so empty to me I honestly thought I could fit mountains in his soul. However, We’d stay up talking Until 5:00 am. Those nights I swear the hours where actually minutes. We’d tell each other things we hated, wanted to change, wanted to do, and things we believed in.
4 years pass and I can still vividly remember the sound his voice made when he tried to force the words to tell me what happened. That night I listened to the sad silence for hours. I think he spent this time asking god why? He always told me heaven was too far away for a good reason. I always assumed it was because you’d want to visit the ones who were gone, but this time I think it was so we couldn’t egg the heavens.