Only if she knew how much I cared
If she knew how much I wanted her to be happy
If she knew how much I love her
If she knew how much my actual body aches for her
If she knew that despite everything I'll still be by her side
If she knew that she means much more than a lover to me
If she knew that every waking hour I wonder how she is
If she knew that even though I don't write I'm still here writing
If she knew that even if I hate it I will still support you with the stuff you love
If she knew how much I wanted to stop being a complete **** to her
If she knew that every minute of everyday is another new day to me
If she knew that I've done more with her in 2 months then I have in my whole life
If she knew that when the time comes I won't end it
If she knew she's not alone with her struggles she has me to lay them on
If she knew I genuinely wanted to hear her problems
If she knew how much I wanted to be with her and see her every hour of every day
If she knew she means the universe to me
If she knew she was my first everything
If she knew she makes me happier than I've ever been
If only she knew.

I could stare at you for hours.
I look at you and see no imperfections.
You're more beautiful than a sunset to me.
So when I don't want to open up,
It's not because I don't want myself to get close to you.
it's because I'm actually terrified that I'll lose you.

today I woke up feeling better than yesterday.
Tomorrow I'll probably wake up
feeling worse.
Or I won't.
Some days I feel nothing.
When I do it's endless.
All I hope for is something.
Even if it is pain,
it's an end to the endless
which would be a new beginning.

1.) Find your happy place.
Because happy places make happy faces or at least that's what my therapist says.
2. Find a therapist.
No, not like the therapist your parents tried to force, one you actually like.
3. Don't think about what they said.
Whoever "they" are, they're wrong.
4. Don't let them get to you, ever.
Even when their words seem to be the only ones you hear.
5. Let go of negativity.
Yes, that could even mean your "bff"
6. Remember, time doesn't matter
7 years of friendship means nothing when it's 7 years of bending of backwards and getting hurt.
7.find actual friends
Friends that care.
8. Don't text your ex
Any of them. Ever.
9. Open a window
10. Take a nap
11. Find happiness in the small things.
Even if they're small, they're something.
12. Find something to rely on.
A shoulder to cry on.
Someone who won't make you feel bad for feeling bad for no reason.
13. Have somone who understands.
Who will try to bring you sunshine when you can't find it.
Even if you don't want it, take it, appreciate it.
14. Tell other people they're beautiful,
Mean it.
Smile because they're smiling.
15. Thank whatever you believe in for another day, even if you don't really want it.

Sometimes I can't focus enough to write. While on one subject my mind drifts to another. While seeing the beauty in one person sometimes my brain and even heart sees it in another.
However this whole time I've only had my eye on you.
The crazy part is, I don't know why.
One day I walked into your life and decided I'm staying forever.
Though at first you pushed me away I had this unchanging feeling that I had to be with you.

I didn't love you because you were you. I loved you because I had an idea in my head of what I thought was you. I confused my thoughts with reality which twisted things. Both my emotions and  yours. Maybe I was bitter our whole relationship because you weren't what my head wanted you to be. Or maybe it was because you actually weren't a good person.
but either way I'm the wrong one here.
I let this go on for so long hurt felt like home. I reminded myself that there were some good qualities when something went wrong and it seemed to go away instantly.
However, the longer it lasted the good qualities faded and so did I.