And then I don't

The ones
we've given up on
minus
the one
that've give up on
us
equals all
of my tearing

How is this wash
of those already
over me
a catapult
or how
could it be
a wave that
throws me
somewhere
every time
laughs

I close my eyes
and constellations
arise

Who is signalling me
from inside my head
with the big dipper
and orion's belt
in that sequence
on my eyelids

That is not you
anymore
That is not
what you are
You never were
really
whatever
you thought
you wanted
to be
even if
you succeeded
doing it so well
you looked
exactly like it
and everyone
believed it even you

you know
you're still in there
pulling those levers
maybe even
frantically

swamped in whys
with inundating whats
and to be all those who's
keeping zoos of yous
behooves (it must)
too

an incomprehensible
self-reflection
to be laid down
in favor of another
equally wuh
and thuh
an' fuh
imaginality

full stop
could this myriad
of made up things
be abandoned
head long
running down
a grassy hill
with your arms out
making bird sounds

When I can no longer accept
any more other

So much yada yada
scanning the poems
everyone all of you
trying not to let
the words skada skada

Combinatorials of aromatics
defenestrations of passings
can you smell them leaving
this pronage this patron age
descending from upending
I am arranged by mr chaos
He hangs out with mr coffee
Trip over me and fall down
onto infinite is dom to find

I'd like to capitalize
some words
I just don't know
which ones

then I'd like
to punctuate
some sentences
'at might appear

finally I'd like
some readers
to try swallow
all my angst

All of your solidities
are stubornities
stalagmites in your
cavernous skull
reaching out for
stalactites from stars
or imaginary skulls
similarly solidified
tell me I've hardened
tell me I've solidified
thinking your accreting
when you're flowing
and darkened pixels
cavorting as words

Fragments of art
float just outside
the reach
of my furious
snapping claws

Picture art
dressed in letters
harrumphing
at my noisy
axial scrabbling

I'm laughing at what
I almost said
out loud

I have exited my head
to, admittedly, another part
of my head, a better one
this time and here
is why

Or is this a poem
that talks to you
on its own
about how it's
written
and that
alone

Is this a poem
if I just leave it
be
and not alone

I confronted my own smile
cursed in magenta
and alum
dysregulating away
from hitting its mark

It had been cheating again
wayward and wanton
thinking I was not watching
its curved tinctures imagining
them twitching

this is what I came to see
with its feet up captaining
coffee and papers, strewn,
of course, about, about that
time you came

I've never
written anything
I don't think
I've never
thought anything
I don't feel
I've never
felt anything
I don't believe
I've never
believed anything
I don't know
I've never
known anything
I know

I am just
this unconnected
thing

Flailing in space
as life's way
to waste

Had to be given
a name
didn't I

Somewhere thankfulness shows up with gratitude and you feel this glowing glow and for just a moment you're the TV show and you have the glowing glow this is a real thing this vibe if futile some percentage of the time

I have no distance to keep
nor a pattern to seek
I've closed my eyes
to not see my lies
and now a brushing touch
isn't too much

the video
hesitates
and stutters
     no wait
ers
that  that that
that's my life

drinking future
smoothness
  no wait
drinking now
spoonfuls
gulping
missing
splashing
yeah

mean
to mean

Will you take me
from here
I think at you

Please don't **** me
I grit at you
My fear

I broke into
where I save
my soul

Had to have
that inner
gold

Sould into
I expect
denial

All of these
capitalizations
No nuances
Just slights
of hand
Major league
swings
no hits
Air stepping
aside
Scenes often
repeated
Gunning again
shocks and after
falter and flail
today's distance
has been run

I'm still banging
my head
off of your death
as if

There is one time
I cannot

Was the darkness right
about the light being

I am in danger
the  danger of
the danger of
clambering out
of this thing
seeing this thing
that isn't grand
that is a chain
I would clamber
I would climb
I would rest here
Really I would

I've run out of the space I had
to get going to get up to speed
and the ramp the ramp I ran up
it ended it ended before I wanted
it to end

So I've been
just like you've
been

Spinning
seeking
trying

unspun
nightly
now

and here
just here
'gain

I sink beneath waves
knees exclaiming kicks
I do not execute or
anything I just look

No redemption none
no one redeemed nothing
pulled back to here or here

Why are you leaving me
oh why why why
are you leaving me
don't leave me don't
leave me please don't
leave me please

I am littered
across this
landscape

Scattered
even shattered
I've become bits

Before the lights
lose their power
I glitter I glint

Thousands as if
rings ran around
red things beating

Before the light
fails and I darken
amongst chances

collect me before
something anything
arrives and thrives

Nice shot
this thought
in this barrel

to be triggered
bayou
by you

knifing again
and again
and and and

carved of time
waiting art
unpaints

a nice picture
executed
perfectly

Attended the funeral
of my best friend today

Life goes out inexplicably
leaving confusion behind

and carries on against me
against my heart against

my breathing without
desperation as if I could be

not desperate to see you
not desperate to know

some **** thing any
**** thing other than

Remember
everything
is loosely based
on reality

My sound is less
I acerbate squarely
on the keystroke
a weakened ka-lick
of delivery

Then when
my head
begins to sag
I know
my neck
pinches
and I'm
back
for
a few lines

I have to consider
I thought what

I understood to be
expected

I saw old actors
and turned away

It will be better
I felt assured

I'll accept no false transit
as I stand up finger up
just do it to get it
moving on
as I stand up
remembering how
and then spasm
of unused
*******
pressed back

I was raging
I really was
I was caustic
aiming
to dissolve
all all
memory e
take out
the best
so's not
to feel
its absence

My life is
a bunch
of half-done
abandoned things
like

Scrambling, I assure you,
from a distance
try get over those commas
will ya
I can't find the ****
to whatever this distance

is

and am ambivalent maybe
or not about what not
and
well
you

can this be crossed
is this my shell
clamming up
footing off

snick snick
something is
advancing
subterranean
stranger
I know

When you hear a new voice
and it comes from inside you
and you realize it was always

Poetry is laughably
serious
If it gets you

At what point
must we divide
Prospero?

It's when I was
inserted
involuntarily
into the
universe
that the
trouble
started

A mysterious woman
reached out to me
online yes online
and asked me
what are you looking for?
someone, I said, with a huge
and cleverlerly broke it in two
sense of humor
"please send me a picture of yours
this is non-negotiable"
she sent me a picture
and, well, I checked the box
anyway

This arcing line
we know
this line
as it rises away
crests its charge
and begins to fall
gracefully
then lands
ungainly