I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone. I want somebody but I don't want to have to rely on somebody. I want to have feelings but I don't want to feel pain. nowadays we lose more than we gain. You got good grades you're judged for them you got bad grades you're dumb for them. I'm trying to grow up in a society where I'm told to be myself. But then again they're all trying to change me trying to rearrange me I don't know who to be  or where I'm going I set my standards too high while they set theres too low.   My whole life I've been a failure they told me I wouldn't make it that I'd give up just like my mum don't you see I'm trying so hard to prove them wrong? just because I got good grades doesn't mean there's nothing going on at home my family's ****** up I don't have nobody call me miss independent because I grew up on my own. I was lonely. It was hard for me. I've been through a lot from suicidal thoughts to anorexias evil plots.

Your kiss was like lightning but lightning meant pain and I remember I told you it was never meant to be this way then I pushed you away but you were never here to stay so I watched the winds blow you away and how many times do I have to scream I love you for you to come back my way I know that the clouds filled up our skies and the rain that fell was equivalent to the tears that feel from our eyes but through the darkness your blue eyes were a reminder of the summer sky and the warmth of your body next to mine held me together throughout the winter and even though the last few months we slept back to back it was better then sleeping alone. I know that I need you like flowers need sun and I always knew that you were the one ..

The reason its so hard to date me is because I'm broken. I mean mentally. I will wake up at 3am and start to try. Sometimes I will sit there for hours complaining about what's wrong with me and life while other days I'll push my self away and not say a word about why I am crying. You are introduced to this strong powerful girl then end up meeting someone who's been torn down and ripped apart. You will learn things about me that will hurt you, it will hurt to listen, and to know that I've gone through something like that. Then I relapse, I could be really happy one day then so depressed the next that I wont want to move or eat or speak it could last for a day or for a month. The reason it is so hard hard to date me is because its hard to keep up with me. To know that I am just a girl who's been made into nothing. Its too hard to handle my tears, my cuts, scars, bruises, past, anxiety attacks, depression, and heart so they leave or I leave because I notice the light in their eyes and smile slowly start to die. Its hard to be with me because while I destroy my self I won't notice that I am destroying you too. Because I apologize for everything. Because I am afraid of everything. Because im ****** up and you can not fix something as broken as me.

I feel like I'm drowning but in reality the only thing I'm drowning in is my own tears. My lungs are slowly being filled up with water that comes in the form of memories and I feel heavy but even though in order to drown you must be underwater I feel like I am on fire. Every cell in my body is burning with hurt, rage, and pain. I shake. I shake from the inside out like a ******* earthquake and I want to scream. But when I try nothing comes out because everything is silent when you're six feet under. Why can't I be helped. No body can help me but myself they say but I can't help somebody I don't know because when I am drowing I am no longer me.  I am everything that I don't want to be thrown together in one . a monster. A beast. A fool being held at gun point by her closest friend that they call PTSD. Torchered by the memories I tried so hard to forget. Memories of blue eyes on a cold winter night   or memories of her hands around my neck. Weather they are good or bad they all hurt me because they're memories of what I had . do you know what it feels to be set on fire to feel like you are melting the walls are spinning and your body feels heavy so heavy you can barely move every step you take feels like you're carrying the weight of the world on your back and you try to fight it but it's like the demons are whispering or screaming in your ears . you feel like youre falling but you're just standing still. You feel like youre dying your hearts racing and you can barely breath. that's how I feel. Its my panic attack. Yea. Its that bad.

Did you see the stars
As they shone on you
Vivid like a thousand scars
Inside the darkest blue
Did you see the hero

But that hero was you
Onward for people feel
When music becomes true
In the end you're never gone
Eternally remembered in a song

Bittersweet love, how you warm me
thoughts of you, they cloud my mind
Although I know how much you harm me
I just can't leave your love behind.

When I wake up, alone without you,
I tremble like the aspen tree.
Why do I love so much about you,
while you are slowly killing me?

False courage for the coward.
Synthetic wisdom for the fool.
Staggering aimless..ever downward
Oh how I hate my love for you.

Bittersweet love, you've stolen from me
everything that I've held dear,
but to your arms I stumble blindly
to ease some loneliness or fear.

Sometimes I feel folks eyes upon me
judging me because of you,
but they don't know you're my one and only
and they don't love you like I do.

False courage for the coward
synthetic wisdom for the fool
stumbling aimless ever downward.
Oh how I hate my love for you

I think myself a decent fellow
a few bad choices, a few slips
but when my skin and eyes turn yellow
will I still press you to my lips

So plant for me, a row of barley
pour sugar and yeast upon my grave
and let your children see the folly
of what at last I do not crave.

False courage for the coward
synthetic wisdom for the fool
staggering aimless, ever downward
Oh how I hate my love for you.
Oh how I hate my love for you.