I kind of just want to be lost in it.
Am I healing or perpetuating my feelings when I choose to just sit in them?
I guess some growth has come...
I haven't totally lost control for another
and I can now admit, I kinda like myself in it.

Today I felt irritated, sad, nothing, creative, turned on sexually, spacey, sloooooooow moooooooo, itched to learn, rabbit hold, focus, tears, joy, uncare, not there, stuck (in my head), tired, restless.

There is none.
Then there are many.
No, a few.
Just one or maybe 2.
I'm confused.

I wish had more thoughts in my brain
I'm stuck on over analyze
I got we both fill a place
As so do you
I'm worried I'm too attached
Your arms are where I find solace
So what are we to do?

I haven't always seen things clear and have acted out of fear
Remember though my dear, healing isn't linear
Going up is also going down and through and around,
in between too.

How do I know who I am, when I'm different with each friend?
Do I combine all things or try to find the mean?
Who am I behind closed doors?
At least what are my actual dreams?
Why am I having a sudden existential crisis??
Oh...I was thinking about souls.
and how I see people with such imagery.
Then I began to wonder...
Will each person describe me differently...?
Or consistently across the board?
Can anyone describe me in the ways that I do them?
My mind is different.
Am I the things the people who love me say I am?
Or am I the way people hate me would say I am?
Can I truly exist if no one sees my soul as deeply as I do theirs?

I feel like I’ve taken drugs. I feel brand new. Everything is beautiful. I’m beautiful. Everything is connecting. I feel full of life. Words are overflowing. Thoughts are bright. I can see a future with purpose and passion. I know what I’m supposed to do! Is this what happiness feels like? A light on my face, a flame in my heart. I am ready to conquer the world. Yet something doesn’t feel right. I just can’t put my finger on it. I spin and spin and spin. Ignoring that feeling. Head up, staring at the clouds, soaking in the sunshine. I look over and see my love. He’s standing there, taking it all in, taking me in. I smile at him. He smiles back at me. A single tear rolls down my face. There’s that feeling again. This time a little stronger. “NO,” I shout, “this Will not be taken from me! I begin to dance, pirouettes, beautiful leaps, I am on fire. Nothing can take this from me! A sharp wind slices past me as I’m swirling, I stumble and fall. I look up and see that it wasn’t wind, it’s darkness cutting it’s way in. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I try to run. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I sit. Staring at the clouds again, soaking in the last bit of warmth I can. It’s inevitable. Darkness always wins. I just seem to forget it when I can see only light. I look around for my love. He’s nowhere to be found. I am alone. The darkness is moving in faster now. There’s only a sliver of light on my face. I open my mouth and swallow it. It is gone. Darkness now fully envelopes me. I curl into a ball and scream. Echoes. Silence. I close my eyes. Longing to find that light I had swallowed. Demons dance around me, shouting obscenities, telling me to **** myself….or is that my voice? I don’t know the difference anymore. Have I ever known the difference? I don’t know how long it’s been. I’m still here, lying on the floor. There’s something hitting me. I reach to hit it away. It’s a hand. I draw back and scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!”. The hand grabs mine. It pulls me up, wrapping arms around me. Someone whispers in my ear, “You’ll get through this. You always do. You are strong. I’m right here, always.” It’s my love! He found me! There we stand in the darkness and I am not alone. I was never alone.