We lay in bed, the only place I know him-
Wrapped in each other, legs a tangled heap-
Still sweaty, we are perpetually sweaty-
And he holds me with a tenderness I haven't seen before.

It is these times that we speak French-
During *** he speaks German, I do not know what he says-
But it sounds angry, and I like that.
Afterwards we speak French, the language of love-
and I tell him I'm in love-
but not with him.

I tell him I'm in love with a man thousands of miles away-
who cannot hold me.
And I trace the scars on his arm with my fingertip-
White lines that stand-out against the glistening black of his skin-
Which spell out a name that is not mine
and I know that he still loves her-
Because he tells me.

He pushes my hair behind my ear, and kisses me on the forehead.
It's a gentle kiss, not meant for me-
he knows I like it rough-
But I close my eyes and pretend the lips belong to someone else.
We pull eachother closer.

It feels like yesterday
I fantasized about
Making love at midnight

Now its just a distant memory
I love you
And the *** never mattered

I only wanted you
But the world slipped away
And you wouldn't hear me out

I don't want to say goodbye
But if your life is happier without me
I'm gone forever

Making love at midnight
Just a dream I had with you
So lets talk about this

Before we hurt ourselves
With irrational decisions
Produced by irrelevant feelings

I'll sit and listen to everything
That I know you want to say
And hopefully you will do the same

Making love at midnight
Only possible if we make up
And you allow me to say I'm sorry

You told me I was **** when you touched me
on my chest and stomach,
but I am sure that I wasn’t **** at all.

I have memories of you
cradling me like a lion with his cubs,
except there was nothing paternal
to your touch or words,
and I felt no safety when I was
in your bed.
Not even when you told me not to worry,
not even when I came to you
to escape my nightmares.

You didn’t seem to understand
that you simply led me into new,
scarier ones.

I've added 'getting over you'
to my long list
of inevitable failures
and of all the things
I couldn't do
(like play basketball
or drive a car),
my inability
to not-love you
still haunts me
when I've forgiven
all
the rest.

No one there to listen,
No one there to care.
Infused with their own
Thoughts
wishes and
sorrows

Why be a burden?
When you have yourself,
Alone to deal with the over whelming thoughts
that fill and rot your mind
Slowly but surely
Driving you over the edge.

Why be a burden?
When you have yourself.
To fall apart in
When no ones there
Having to scream at yourself
For the faults you know aren't there
But you make them up
Either way, to have someone to blame
For the sadness turning to anger and building up inside you
Until there no choice but to explode

I want you to rip the messy sutures from my stitched-up heart and
I want to love you with my chest wide open.
I want the icy air to whisper across my bared arteries and scoop the black from my lungs
I want you to kiss me so hard blood runs down my teeth.
I want to taste the salty crimson on my tongue and know
I am still breathing, that
I still have a pulse.
I want your eyes to burn holes in my skin & the cauterized nerve endings to emit a single sharp scream
I need your sweaty palms to take away the sting.
I want you to wake me from this gray unending dream.
I know meteorites always hit the sun or crash to earth, but
I want our comet to blaze through the night sky for a few bright seconds before the freefall.
I will ignore the craters you'll carve from my bones.
I know
I will end up lying in a hospital bed with skin grafts and bleeding bandages, but
I want the rose-tinged words that will leak from my eyes like saline-tipped blades.
I want to slowdance with cyanide.
I want to tiptoe on a razor-littered sidewalk.
I want to swim with sharks;
I want to dip my hand in fire;
I want a gradual descent from a cliff with a tattered parachute;
I want to toss my heart into your freckled arms.
I want your fingers around my neck before
I realize it.
I want you to destroy me.
I want your smile to eat me alive.

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
See you make your way through the crowd
And say, "Hello,"
Little did I know...

he doesn't like me for me.

he doesn't like me for my poetry.
he doesn't like me for my thoughts.
he doesn't like me for how i look.
he doesn't like me for how i act.
he doesn't like me for how i am.

he looks at me and sees not a person.

he looks at me and sees not a girl.
he looks at me and sees not a poet.
he looks at me and sees not a smart girl.

he sees a wasteland.

he sees a girl without love.
he sees broken skin and flaws.

he loves ruins.
he loves fixing people.

you can't fix everyone.
you can't fix a heart that has so many bandages on it that you can't tell what's latex and what's muscle.
you can't fix me unless i break even more.

do you want me to break more?
you love seeing me break.
that's kind of sad.
pathetic.
you love when i hate myself.
and i hate myself so you won't go away.